More...well, less-known and more 'casual' forms of neglect?

[autism-and-autotune]

I want to point out "Yes, Mum" is prolly the only way to deal with them, and even so, they will start drama.

Oh yeah, I realize this too. People-pleasing for the sake of making only one person is not a healthy thing to do. My enabler of a father always would strive to do anything to avoid the wrath of my mother.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

To answer the thread:

Yes, neglect is sometimes "benign", but no less destructive. I think autistic people may be especially sensitive to this because of the conditions we have.

Independence is the opposite of neglect but when one has no one who can be counted on, then independence itself suffers.

The real issue I remember was the complete lack of regard for anything you actually experience. When you can't say "this is not good,"or "this hurts," without a reply like "no it doesn't," you end up with a mess.

I was born in the 90s, raised to be the tough, masculine man of the Sixties, discovered literature and opened my life up to more than that.

The trouble was and is that I have always been afraid of anything that matters to myself. Nothing I have done was ever "good enough" unless it was something else dad wanted. My mother, God bless her, was also rather out of touch. She didn't notice that there was something wrong, and said that I needed "to pray more."

Religion didn't solve it. I found help outside of that.

My girlfriend was neglected but "nothing bad happened to her." Well, she's now physically damaged, lacks all independent skills, and has no one in her life she can trust.
I was more emotionally neglected, I guess, and have serious issues with stress affecting my heartbeat and other things. It is one of those issues I can not ever escape without leaving the family home at last.

Happy father's day to those men who are true men and do not go out of the way to harm those "below" them.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm sorry that you went through all of that.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

@Gerontius, putting the whole thing, not one line, into context and perspective: I repeat. "Having said that, I think the term "neglect" is all relative to what the norms are of your time and culture. At the time when we grew up, "neglect" meant someone was getting physically beaten, bruised and battered from their parents. Now-a-days, anything that is not viewed as "protecting, nurturing, loving, etc." is considered "neglect". Which is open to a LOT of interpretation."

While I sort of agree with you that neglect can be up to interpretation, much about abuse and neglect simply cannot be open to interpretation.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Some things I've recognized as neglect (whether emotional, physical, academic or developmental) from my childhood, which may or may not be "obvious" forms of it:

- Not being allowed outside and having to be quietly by myself 24/7 from the time I was a toddler
- Not being taken to a proper doctor to diagnose my lifelong debilitating digestive disorder until truancy court made them take me as a teenager, and only being taken to doctors when legally necessary
- Never being helped with school work or encouraged to do it, and being treated as if my academic progress didn't matter
- Not putting any effort to actually get me diagnosed w/ ASD and get me continued support, especially for my diagnosed dyscalculia and ADHD, and even taking me off of ADHD medication for no reason because they "didn't like it", which all affected my development
- Being expected to basically be a therapist and mediator for my parents since 3-4 y.o., and having to listen to things and give them support for things they'd never even care about if they happened to me
- Being expected to be unaffected by my parents and siblings issues, somehow being expected to tolerate things better than them + getting yelled at for reacting or developing my own issues due to it
- Not being taught proper hygiene or having proper hygiene practices enforced (like brushing my teeth, bathing regularly, how often to change menstrual products, etc.) and being shamed for not magically developing good habits

Some of these things might be "normal/common" forms of parental "laziness", and older generations might laugh at the idea of some of them being neglect, but they are all forms of neglect and I know I'm not the only one who dealt with things like this as a kid and is now negatively affected by it.

I'm sorry to hear of what you had to endure.

Yes; I agree with it being a form of parental laziness. Too many folks go about having kids before learning about themselves, or being willing to work on themselves.

may I ask: what did/do your siblings think on all of this? I only ask because my sister and I are very divided in terms of how we view our parents; she thinks of my father as a tortured, abused martyr while I was abused by both parents, leaving me hurt and bitter.

 

[Hylian]

I'm sorry to hear of what you had to endure.

Yes; I agree with it being a form of parental laziness. Too many folks go about having kids before learning about themselves, or being willing to work on themselves.

may I ask: what did/do your siblings think on all of this? I only ask because my sister and I are very divided in terms of how we view our parents; she thinks of my father as a tortured, abused martyr while I was abused by both parents, leaving me hurt and bitter.

My siblings acknowledge that my parents are crappy parents, but they still blame me for some of it. Most of them were adults and moved out by the time I came around and they didn't have the same childhood, so they think it's somehow my fault I endured all of that. They all were allowed to go places, got proper attention from them, went to doctors, and got help with school work and other things, so they can't fathom our parents just flat out neglecting me like that without me doing something to deserve it (really, a small child deserves that crap???). My brother who is the second youngest (I'm the youngest) and lived with me the whole time also still acts like my existence created some of it, and like I stole attention away from him even though he got to do everything our siblings did and is now way better off than I am due to the experiences he had.

 

[All-Rounder]

Oh yeah, I realize this too. People-pleasing for the sake of making only one person is not a healthy thing to do. My enabler of a father always would strive to do anything to avoid the wrath of my mother.

I don't think of it that way, whatever works to avoid additional stuff, the creature isn't gonna change anyway, and is very limited. It's not very possible to create a true relationship with her, either, so I let go of that prospect.

But I have to say nothing works like complete ignoring. Even the behaviour becomes better. Admittedly it's hard to do it when she uses every opportunity to tempt and then she will find a reason for sure to punish.