Spot
New Member
Hi all, new to the forum. Late discovering I'm on the spectrum (68yo). It's the only thing that connects the multitude of dots from a very confusing life, with all the abuse and self-loathing and quirkiness one can remember. not knowing how that define them.
Skipping the trauma stories (most of us late-comers can relate), I had started stuttering very badly at age 12, I displayed Tourette's face tics, throat noises, hyperactivity, emerging from a childhood of abuses of all sorts. I started playing piano at age 13, by ear, using the chords from Let It Be (my older brother showed me where to place my fingers to create the chords). I loved listening to the piano strings resonate (heavy sustain pedal use). It soothed me, "transporting" me into an emotional space that was without drama.
The first time I created sounds on the piano, it was a revelation, almost a spiritual experience. I came alive from a depth I had never known, it was as if my soul stood up inside me, as if I was reborn. Stuttering didn't conflict with my self-expression anymore when I was at the piano. Music was a vehicle that allowed me to explore even further and deeper my inner world and express much more than I understood, without being caught in the secrets of inexpressible traumatic details I could not even process.
You can't make others understand what you are feeling when you don't even understand it yourself, but you can create Art that is an exploration in self-expression, and sometimes others can also feel some of the musical solace you develop for yourself.
As a teenager I would play everywhere I could, at home, in the local church basement, school gymnasiums (most schools had pianos there, often damaged), breaking into the high school auditorium, etc. I would be creating my own little musical ditties, emulating various genres and developing what I call my own "musical calligraphy."
When I was alone at home, I would sometimes remove the front boards on top and bottom of the upright piano, exposing the hammers and strings, to be "closer" to the sound. I'd sometimes hold down the sustain pedal and slam the keys (not too violently) up and down the keyboard until the piano would shake. Then I'd close my eyes and listen to the sound "disappear" in the distance, and it was as if it pulled out venom from my soul, anxiety, away into oblivion.
Soon my parents also sent me to a French linguistic drama school to relearn how to express myself in public. And I haven't stuttered since.
I never took formal music lessons, except 2 but I was in my early 20s but I found it was stifling. The process of improvisation is to me the whole idea. It suits me more than the rigidity of traditional learning.
It would be 10 years before I played in front of other people, in my mid-twenties. I just couldn't do it otherwise, I would freeze, very self-conscious. It was a very personal process I came to call "tuning the soul." It anchored me in the present moment. Both my thoughts and emotions would be quieter. If the environment of a chaotic large family could trigger and confuse me, then surely the sound of my own music brought me a certain measure of peace. And that is what has been with me ever since.
I even worked in a piano repair shop for a year and a half to learn how to tune pianos, which I have done for many years. I wanted to "dive deeper" into the instrument, so to speak. The next milestone is when I started recording my improvisations. And I would like to share some of them from time to time if this is allowed. Maybe it could help someone at some point, or inspire others during their own creative activities.
Thanks for reading,
Regards and blessings,
Spot
Skipping the trauma stories (most of us late-comers can relate), I had started stuttering very badly at age 12, I displayed Tourette's face tics, throat noises, hyperactivity, emerging from a childhood of abuses of all sorts. I started playing piano at age 13, by ear, using the chords from Let It Be (my older brother showed me where to place my fingers to create the chords). I loved listening to the piano strings resonate (heavy sustain pedal use). It soothed me, "transporting" me into an emotional space that was without drama.
The first time I created sounds on the piano, it was a revelation, almost a spiritual experience. I came alive from a depth I had never known, it was as if my soul stood up inside me, as if I was reborn. Stuttering didn't conflict with my self-expression anymore when I was at the piano. Music was a vehicle that allowed me to explore even further and deeper my inner world and express much more than I understood, without being caught in the secrets of inexpressible traumatic details I could not even process.
You can't make others understand what you are feeling when you don't even understand it yourself, but you can create Art that is an exploration in self-expression, and sometimes others can also feel some of the musical solace you develop for yourself.
As a teenager I would play everywhere I could, at home, in the local church basement, school gymnasiums (most schools had pianos there, often damaged), breaking into the high school auditorium, etc. I would be creating my own little musical ditties, emulating various genres and developing what I call my own "musical calligraphy."
When I was alone at home, I would sometimes remove the front boards on top and bottom of the upright piano, exposing the hammers and strings, to be "closer" to the sound. I'd sometimes hold down the sustain pedal and slam the keys (not too violently) up and down the keyboard until the piano would shake. Then I'd close my eyes and listen to the sound "disappear" in the distance, and it was as if it pulled out venom from my soul, anxiety, away into oblivion.
Soon my parents also sent me to a French linguistic drama school to relearn how to express myself in public. And I haven't stuttered since.
I never took formal music lessons, except 2 but I was in my early 20s but I found it was stifling. The process of improvisation is to me the whole idea. It suits me more than the rigidity of traditional learning.
It would be 10 years before I played in front of other people, in my mid-twenties. I just couldn't do it otherwise, I would freeze, very self-conscious. It was a very personal process I came to call "tuning the soul." It anchored me in the present moment. Both my thoughts and emotions would be quieter. If the environment of a chaotic large family could trigger and confuse me, then surely the sound of my own music brought me a certain measure of peace. And that is what has been with me ever since.
I even worked in a piano repair shop for a year and a half to learn how to tune pianos, which I have done for many years. I wanted to "dive deeper" into the instrument, so to speak. The next milestone is when I started recording my improvisations. And I would like to share some of them from time to time if this is allowed. Maybe it could help someone at some point, or inspire others during their own creative activities.
Thanks for reading,
Regards and blessings,
Spot
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