My 2 year old daughter was diagnosed with asd and I am now questioning my own neurotypicalness

[laurainthesky]

When I told my mom about the ASD diagnosis, she was a little defensive.
She basically told me that I presented the same way at her age with less speech.

I am a successful adult and have a family. I feel like I navigate life pretty well. However my social life in childhood was so stressful that I had actual nightmares about it. The bus, recess, lunch, and PE were usually the dreaded parts of my day.

I just had my third child. I get terrible postpartum depression. My husband is a stay at home dad who does the majority of infant care. I get rage attacks listening to a crying baby who won't stop crying. When I get overwhelmed, I meltdown and hit myself repeatedly in the head which I am careful that the kids don't see that. I get frustrated with my kids when I am interrupted. I don't transition well to changes in plans.

Maybe some of my postpartum and parenting issues are ASD and not that I am horrible? I bought a pair of shooting range headphones which have helped me be more patient with my newborn. My husband says that I am a great mother, but he is better with crying and day to day stuff. I provide and set everything up. I am sensitive to abrupt noises and loud noises I can't stop. I am very sensitive to pain which is annoying.

I have a lot of social blindspots, but I absolutely have empathy. For the whole theory of mind issue, how can anyone know what someone else is thinking unless they say something? An obvious facial expression could give away emotion or mood, but that is it. Trying to guess what people are thinking about caused crippling social anxiety for me. People with strong feelings who don't want to communicate in words are not my problem. ‍

Nice to meet you all! I put not sure as my diagnosis, as I am still not sure. I've had a huge amount of social anxiety starting at the age of 4, so maybe it is just that? I feel like I have mastered my social anxiety by no longer attempting to read people or care about the impression I made.

Long-winded. Sorry!

 

[laurainthesky]

disregard the pink icon. The emoji I used must not have been supported.

 

[Ezra]

Welcome to the forum. Your neurotypicalness seems questionable to me. And your experiences are quite understandable from an ASD perspective. Most of what you have written about yourself is quite relatable.

 

[unperson]

You picked the right husband! Welcome to forum.

 

[laurainthesky]

You picked the right husband! Welcome to forum.

I did!!! I never saw myself as a mother of 3 before we got married. Without him being able to step into the mother like role, my son would have been my first and last. I have to be vigilant to give him the affection he needs. It is easy for me to just get stuck in daily business. We play Magic and Dungeons and Dragons together.

 

[Rasputin]

I did!!! I never saw myself as a mother of 3 before we got married. Without him being able to step into the mother like role, my son would have been my first and last. I have to be vigilant to give him the affection he needs. It is easy for me to just get stuck in daily business. We play Magic and Dungeons and Dragons together.

Welcome the the forums. Based on your introduction, you very well could be on the spectrum. The good news is that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you; you just might be neurologically different from most people.

 

[laurainthesky]

Welcome the the forums. Based on your introduction, you very well could be on the spectrum. The good news is that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you; you just might be neurologically different from most people.

I just hope my daughter won't go through the hell I did as a child. I couldn't understand why I was so different. I didn't even understand what was different about me. I am annoyed that my mom ignored my grandmother who thought I had autism. At least I can do better for my child.

 

[unperson]

Mine wanted to dump me in an institution at about 17, like Girl Interrupted, but the medical system changed. It can be well intentioned that parents don't personally or professionally label you.

 

[Crossbreed]

For the whole theory of mind issue, how can anyone know what someone else is thinking unless they say something? An obvious facial expression could give away emotion or mood, but that is it.

Internally, NTs are so much on the same page that there is a high degree of accuracy in their intuition toward each other. Neuro-diverse people [neurds ] have that to a certain extent, too, with other neuro-diverse people.

 

[Ezra]

I just hope my daughter won't go through the hell I did as a child. I couldn't understand why I was so different. I didn't even understand what was different about me. I am annoyed that my mom ignored my grandmother who thought I had autism. At least I can do better for my child.

She will have understanding parents. Especially having one who understands through personal experience. That is a huge advantage for her.

 

[Rasputin]

I just hope my daughter won't go through the hell I did as a child. I couldn't understand why I was so different. I didn't even understand what was different about me. I am annoyed that my mom ignored my grandmother who thought I had autism. At least I can do better for my child.

There is another way to look at your situation. You may have had a more difficult time, but you learned coping strategies on your own. There is some danger if one is made to believe they are defective or hopeless. I think this could happen if the parents are not supportive or if teachers are not qualified. Your mother probably thought she did what was best for you. I would just accept things as they are now, and focus on helping your daughter.

By the way, I was similar to you. I was not diagnosed until January of this year, and I am 61 now.

 

[laurainthesky]

There is another way to look at your situation. You may have had a more difficult time, but you learned coping strategies on your own. There is some danger if one is made to believe they are defective or hopeless. I think this could happen if the parents are not supportive or if teachers are not qualified. Your mother probably thought she did what was best for you. I would just accept things as they are now, and just focus on helping her daughter.

By the way, I was similar to you. I was not diagnosed until January of this year, and I am 61 now.

Need to find that balance! My parents told me I was perfect, but the real world didn't support that from an early age. Telling a child they are defective is worse though, so I see your point.

 

[laurainthesky]

Internally, NTs are so much on the same page that there is a high degree of accuracy in their intuition toward each other. Neuro-diverse people [neurds ] have that to a certain extent, too, with other neuro-diverse people.

I am going to have to quiz my NT husband on this. Although he may not be the best specimen of NT with his love for Magic, Dungeons and Dragons, and video games. I have one NT college friend I can ask.

 

[Aspychata]

My daughter was very sensitive and intelligent. I had to homeschool her due to a bully in 2nd grade. But this was better in the long run and she didn't have that conditioning of the school system until she went to HS. She took herself in for antidepressant script year after l left the marriage. She is on the spectrum. But she has the tools to navigate life. I didn't know her and l were different. I thought she was perfectly normal because she was like me. She is still unaware that we both have attributes of autism, as l only figured this out as a older older female.

Welcome to our community and may you find answers or knowledge.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, this is a friendly place and hopefully you can have discussions and find out more that will be useful for you and your daughter. High autistic traits or ASD1 does sound like it could explain your mix of experience when growing up.

Anxiety is a comorbid condition, it's caused to an extent by your life circumstances including all the challenges, so it would be expected that anxiety lessens when someone knows the child has autism and helps with the challenges in supportive ways. Every child is different, too. Seems like your daughter will have two great helpers in her parents, and that's a huge advantage for her.

 

[menander]

You may have post-partum indeed! It may or may not be neurodiversity but you are welcome here. Love the baby with all your heart which is sounds like you do. I am sure you are a great mom. We will help you any way we can. And the little critter, too.

 

[SDRSpark]

I get rage attacks listening to a crying baby who won't stop crying. When I get overwhelmed, I meltdown and hit myself repeatedly in the head which I am careful that the kids don't see that. I get frustrated with my kids when I am interrupted. I don't transition well to changes in plans.

Hi and welcome!!! You sound exactly like me (well, I'm not a parent. But this is how I respond to crying babies which is WHY I'm not a parent. Also I can't see myself being able to show a child affection, care, anything aside from the bare necessities and even that is questionable...maybe I'm worse off than you in that regard, or maybe I am underestimating my true capabilities.)

Don't even get me started on the stress of social interaction when I was a child lol. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was physically sick with anxiety a lot. Now I look back on it and go "oh...so that's what was going on". It was definitely unusual that I threw up almost every morning before school/daycare but no one ever bothered to investigate.

 

[Alexej]

Hi @laurainthesky

Sounds like you have come to a good place to consider whether you are on the spectrum. Read some of the threads from folk who are diagnosed and see how well their symptoms are similar to yours.

However autism is different for everyone, so having some similar symptoms or not having the symptoms means little in the long run.

Welcome here

 

[laurainthesky]

Hi and welcome!!! You sound exactly like me (well, I'm not a parent. But this is how I respond to crying babies which is WHY I'm not a parent. Also I can't see myself being able to show a child affection, care, anything aside from the bare necessities and even that is questionable...maybe I'm worse off than you in that regard, or maybe I am underestimating my true capabilities.)

Don't even get me started on the stress of social interaction when I was a child lol. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was physically sick with anxiety a lot. Now I look back on it and go "oh...so that's what was going on". It was definitely unusual that I threw up almost every morning before school/daycare but no one ever bothered to investigate.

If you have no interest in being a parent, then definitely pass. Having a child changes everything and they come first before preferred activities. I do really miss getting to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. However if you do want to be a parent, the partner who choose is extremely important because they are signing up for all/most screaming baby duties. Affection for my children has come easier than any other type of affection. I love all over them, but my husband has to ask for his.

I had a Tums habit as a kid for years. I don't know when you were born, but it felt like no one gave a **** about anxious kids when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s. Anxiety is serious ****. I had thoughts of suicide because death was easier than living each day with that much anxiety. My awful 4th grade teacher helpfully told me I was going to get burning ulcers. I'm sorry you went through it too.

 

[laurainthesky]

You may have post-partum indeed! It may or may not be neurodiversity but you are welcome here. Love the baby with all your heart which is sounds like you do. I am sure you are a great mom. We will help you any way we can. And the little critter, too.

It is absolutely postpartum depression, but I think the asd is adding an extra layer to it. I could be in a good mood and still lose it over crying. You are very sweet. Thank you!