my boyfriend doesn't talk

[kityoume]

In recent months I have been in a relationship with a guy who seems to be on the autism spectrum. He is not very talkative, although I enjoy spending time with him - we have common tastes and interests, I like his tactility and kindness. But we have disagreements because he does not like to have long intimate conversations, and I am talkative.

Usually I chat with my friends and that is enough for me, but I feel a lack of spiritual closeness with my partner and a feeling that I cannot get to know him as a person. He talks little, that is, he is not silent all the time, but he answers in monosyllables and mainly likes to talk about technology and electronics, and not about people, their feelings and relationships. When I want to tell him something about my feelings or experiences, he answers with just one word.

I asked him if he was ignoring me and if it was because he was simply tired of me, he said that it was only because he didn't like to talk. Sometimes I am overcome with the horror of loneliness, it seems to me that because he is so taciturn it is easier for him not to get attached to me completely and it is easier for him to leave me.

Because of an argument about the fact that I spoke out and wanted to get support and he did not answer me in sufficient detail, he suggested that we break up because, according to him, he is such a person and will never change this and he himself does not know why this is happening.

Why can't autistics have long, heart-to-heart conversations? I think they might just be contemptuous of not wanting to do it and not caring what others feel, it's easier for them to dump you on top of not wanting to bother talking to you.

That guy claims he doesn't want to, he just can't, but I don't understand why? Maybe I'm just not important or interesting enough to him? Is it worth ending the relationship because of this? It's hard for me to end this relationship because I'm already attached and because there are so many other things I like and I haven't had this experience before so I'm not sure how much effort and time it will take to find a partner like that, it might not be that easy and ultimately he will still have flaws. But on the other hand, it's really hard for me to feel detached because of this guy's taciturnity.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Lots of people have difficulty with long, heart-to-heart conversations. If people were better at discussing their feelings, we'd live in a pretty different world. Whether your boyfriend is willing or able to understand his feelings better is something he will have to explore. Your needs may be better met elsewhere, but that's something you'll have to resolve between the two of you.

 

[kityoume]

on the one hand, it seems to me that this is not a serious enough reason to break up, and besides, finding a new partner and his possible shortcomings also scare me, on the other hand, I worry that the lack of conversations and satisfaction from them will not make us truly close people and we will live our whole lives just as roommates and that perhaps if I had a better option, I would feel better next to him. But still, the thought of parting makes me very anxious and instantly tears and a lump in my throat, I do not want to lose this person. I have tried to build relationships before, they were much worse and I am afraid that with other people it will be as bad as before. I have never had a truly ideal relationship and it seems to me that I will never. In my family, many people live alone, so it seems to me that unconsciously the same scenario awaits me and in order to prevent it, I must better maintain the relationship

 

[Rodafina]

To me, communication in a partnership seems to be just about the most important thing for long term contentment. I think every person has a different capacity for conversation and preferred methods of communication. If you and your partner don't match in this way, it can be very tough to make things work. I don't know enough to suggest that your boyfriend is doing anything wrong, but it sounds like you both have a very different method of communication and different expectations for what is comfortable in a relationship.

From what you shared, it sounds like you are at risk of being perpetually let down and frustrated by your partner.

It's not about who is right and who is wrong - just is it a good fit between you? I don't think you want to spend your life trying to change someone.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

on the one hand, it seems to me that this is not a serious enough reason to break up, and besides, finding a new partner and his possible shortcomings also scare me, on the other hand, I worry that the lack of conversations and satisfaction from them will not make us truly close people and we will live our whole lives just as roommates and that perhaps if I had a better option, I would feel better next to him. But still, the thought of parting makes me very anxious and instantly tears and a lump in my throat, I do not want to lose this person. I have tried to build relationships before, they were much worse and I am afraid that with other people it will be as bad as before. I have never had a truly ideal relationship and it seems to me that I will never. In my family, many people live alone, so it seems to me that unconsciously the same scenario awaits me and in order to prevent it, I must better maintain the relationship

Are you afraid of shortcomings in general, or specific things? What is an ideal relationship?

 

[kityoume]

Are you afraid of shortcomings in general, or specific things? What is an ideal relationship?

I'm afraid that my new partner won't satisfy me sexually or will be too aggressive and cold or will be flighty and will constantly cheat on me

 

[Mr. Stevens]

If you do detach from his taciturn behavior--since silence won't give you what you want--do you think that will lead to something better?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

In recent months I have been in a relationship with a guy who seems to be on the autism spectrum. He is not very talkative, although I enjoy spending time with him - we have common tastes and interests, I like his tactility and kindness. But we have disagreements because he does not like to have long intimate conversations, and I am talkative. Usually I chat with my friends and that is enough for me, but I feel a lack of spiritual closeness with my partner and a feeling that I cannot get to know him as a person. He talks little, that is, he is not silent all the time, but he answers in monosyllables and mainly likes to talk about technology and electronics, and not about people, their feelings and relationships. When I want to tell him something about my feelings or experiences, he answers with just one word. I asked him if he was ignoring me and if it was because he was simply tired of me, he said that it was only because he didn't like to talk. Sometimes I am overcome with the horror of loneliness, it seems to me that because he is so taciturn it is easier for him not to get attached to me completely and it is easier for him to leave me. Because of an argument about the fact that I spoke out and wanted to get support and he did not answer me in sufficient detail, he suggested that we break up because, according to him, he is such a person and will never change this and he himself does not know why this is happening. Why can't autistics have long, heart-to-heart conversations? I think they might just be contemptuous of not wanting to do it and not caring what others feel, it's easier for them to dump you on top of not wanting to bother talking to you. That guy claims he doesn't want to, he just can't, but I don't understand why? Maybe I'm just not important or interesting enough to him? Is it worth ending the relationship because of this? It's hard for me to end this relationship because I'm already attached and because there are so many other things I like and I haven't had this experience before so I'm not sure how much effort and time it will take to find a partner like that, it might not be that easy and ultimately he will still have flaws. But on the other hand, it's really hard for me to feel detached because of this guy's taciturnity.

Consider this perspective from someone who is autistic married to a neurotypical for over 35 years.

Some of what you explain above hits home, so I will try to address some of this in terms of "work arounds" and "coping strategies".

Issue #1: Generally speaking, heterosexual men, and especially when autistic, have zero interest in talking about people and relationships. Very rarely will they even want to watch a movie that involves the topic. As a general rule, we are far more interested in "things" and "topics". The strategy that works best for my wife and I is that she goes out every few weeks with her girlfriends, often to just sit and talk.

Issue #2: I am alexithymic, which means I often cannot identify my feelings. I have them. I have physical sensations, but I cannot regulate them well and most of the time its 100% on or off, which can come off as socially inappropriate and embarrassing. So, I have become very good at shutting down emotions and functioning almost exclusively on a logical level. Furthermore, as with most autistics, there is an underlying depressive condition, and males, if they are depressed, will often express it as aggression, frustration, and anger. Why? It raises testosterone and dopamine, which helps minimize the depression in this rather socially dysfunctional biofeedback loop. Interesting physiology. Good luck dealing with that as a female partner. The strategy I have for that was to be involved with athletics, intense workouts in they gym, focusing my mind on everything else but me. Keep my mind and body busy. Don't let me get bored.

Issue #3: I have been with my wife for 40 years. I have zero idea what she is thinking, if she is "in the mood", whatever. Welcome to autistic "mind-blindness". I do have a few strategies here: (1) If I don't know, I ask. This involves some intellectual curiosity and interest on my part. Without it, I am operating blind. (2) Because I am not operating on an emotional level, am not bonding with conversation, and also knowing that many autistics, including myself, have lower circulating levels of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the "love hormones", most of my bonding is by physical touch. My wife and I hold hands, hug, and kiss a lot. I tell her I love her probably 6 times a day, maybe more. If we are sitting on the couch or in bed, we are up against each other. You get the idea.

Issue #4: Disagreements. Yes, but we learned to not raise voices and argue. That's a skill, but a necessary one with me because if I become emotional (1) I cannot think and I will shut down, ending the discussion, but if you keep pushing, then (2) I am a physically strong and very aggressive person, with poor emotional regulation, which might not bode well for my wife whom I can toss around like a little rag doll. I cannot allow myself in that state. So, the strategy here is to push aside emotion, discuss things calmly, and sometimes agree to disagree and just let it go. Stop trying to control the situation. Let me do my thing. Let her do her thing.

Issue #5: You can have a heart-to-heart conversation. Just without emotions. As soon as either of us become emotional, the conversation breaks down, nothing is ever resolved, and it is tabled until later, dragging the situation out longer. No good.

Issue #6: Long silences and spending time by ourselves doing our own thing. At this point in our relationship, we've figured it all out. Things I like to converse about, she has no interest in. Things she likes to converse about, I have no interest in. I can sit in silence for hours, thinking, reading, doing whatever. She has learned to do the same. She reads her novels and watches her "chick flick" movies. We love to travel and spend time together very much, but sitting next to each other for long periods of time in the car or on a plane, no need to converse. I literally cannot think of or simply make up anything to talk about. I cannot start a conversation with small talk. I don't have those skills. Now, having said that, obviously, throughout the day, we will address issues of importance, bills, domestic things, the kids, work, etc. It's not like we don't communicate. We probably communicate better than most couples in this regard, but we simply aren't blabbering on about "non essential" things in our lives, or anyone else's lives that is none of our business.

Well, I hope this gives some perspective.

 

[jsilver256]

Autistic and in a long term marriage as well. My experience is similar to @Neonatal RRT minus the testosterone-induced aggression. Autistics simply do not feel intimacy in the same way as other NTs.

 

[Mary Terry]

Consider this perspective from someone who is autistic married to a neurotypical for over 35 years.

Some of what you explain above hits home, so I will try to address some of this in terms of "work arounds" and "coping strategies".

Issue #1: Generally speaking, heterosexual men, and especially when autistic, have zero interest in talking about people and relationships. Very rarely will they even want to watch a movie that involves the topic. As a general rule, we are far more interested in "things" and "topics". The strategy that works best for my wife and I is that she goes out every few weeks with her girlfriends, often to just sit and talk.

Issue #2: I am alexithymic, which means I often cannot identify my feelings. I have them. I have physical sensations, but I cannot regulate them well and most of the time its 100% on or off, which can come off as socially inappropriate and embarrassing. So, I have become very good at shutting down emotions and functioning almost exclusively on a logical level. Furthermore, as with most autistics, there is an underlying depressive condition, and males, if they are depressed, will often express it as aggression, frustration, and anger. Why? It raises testosterone and dopamine, which helps minimize the depression in this rather socially dysfunctional biofeedback loop. Interesting physiology. Good luck dealing with that as a female partner. The strategy I have for that was to be involved with athletics, intense workouts in they gym, focusing my mind on everything else but me. Keep my mind and body busy. Don't let me get bored.

Issue #3: I have been with my wife for 40 years. I have zero idea what she is thinking, if she is "in the mood", whatever. Welcome to autistic "mind-blindness". I do have a few strategies here: (1) If I don't know, I ask. This involves some intellectual curiosity and interest on my part. Without it, I am operating blind. (2) Because I am not operating on an emotional level, am not bonding with conversation, and also knowing that many autistics, including myself, have lower circulating levels of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the "love hormones", most of my bonding is by physical touch. My wife and I hold hands, hug, and kiss a lot. I tell her I love her probably 6 times a day, maybe more. If we are sitting on the couch or in bed, we are up against each other. You get the idea.

Issue #4: Disagreements. Yes, but we learned to not raise voices and argue. That's a skill, but a necessary one with me because if I become emotional (1) I cannot think and I will shut down, ending the discussion, but if you keep pushing, then (2) I am a physically strong and very aggressive person, with poor emotional regulation, which might not bode well for my wife whom I can toss around like a little rag doll. I cannot allow myself in that state. So, the strategy here is to push aside emotion, discuss things calmly, and sometimes agree to disagree and just let it go. Stop trying to control the situation. Let me do my thing. Let her do her thing.

Issue #5: You can have a heart-to-heart conversation. Just without emotions. As soon as either of us become emotional, the conversation breaks down, nothing is ever resolved, and it is tabled until later, dragging the situation out longer. No good.

Issue #6: Long silences and spending time by ourselves doing our own thing. At this point in our relationship, we've figured it all out. Things I like to converse about, she has no interest in. Things she likes to converse about, I have no interest in. I can sit in silence for hours, thinking, reading, doing whatever. She has learned to do the same. She reads her novels and watches her "chick flick" movies. We love to travel and spend time together very much, but sitting next to each other for long periods of time in the car or on a plane, no need to converse. I literally cannot think of or simply make up anything to talk about. I cannot start a conversation with small talk. I don't have those skills. Now, having said that, obviously, throughout the day, we will address issues of importance, bills, domestic things, the kids, work, etc. It's not like we don't communicate. We probably communicate better than most couples in this regard, but we simply aren't blabbering on about "non essential" things in our lives, or anyone else's lives that is none of our business.

Well, I hope this gives some perspective.

This describes my NT marriage as well.

 

[DrBadStrings]

. Why can't autistics have long, heart-to-heart conversations?

Long answer short, because we're autistic. That whole trouble with social interactions and relations being a cornerstone of being autistic. The kind of conversations you are looking for would require a neurotypical brain.


Ramble about my own experiences dating (can be skipped)
The way you describe him is almost of mirror of myself in relationships. That emotional side of things just doesn't compute for me at least. Especially if it's something where there is a clear logical answer/solution but someone's going a different direction because of "emotions". Emotions be damned, logic/fact should take priority every time. It's not that I don't care, but not being able to read people, and being very literal I need to be told something directly, especially if it's something involving relationships. I don't have the "magic decoder ring" for what NT's are internally thinking and feeling, or hinting at with indirect words. Just like friendships etc, when someone is not in my immediate circle I just don't think about them, literally out of site out of mind. And with the talk of feelings, since I don't understand generally what others are feeling, without being explicitly told, it's not something I find any interest or desire to talk about. And while I'm not opposed to romantic relationships, I gave up a long time ago on trying to pursue or form them as I know that I personally could never give the emotional level of input to a relationship that a neurotypical would expect and honestly deserve.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Long answer short, because we're autistic. That whole trouble with social interactions and relations being a cornerstone of being autistic. The kind of conversations you are looking for would require a neurotypical brain.

I just want to remind you of the typical "if you know one autistic, you know one autistic" response.

I personally have had plenty of long heart-to-heart conversations, with both non-autistic and other autistic people, and kityoumi herself is autistic. However, I have a big interest in people and decision making, so I suspect other autistic people might struggle more simply because they do not find those topics as interesting as I do. I also have a very logical mind, but I don't find logic and emotions to be incompatible, as long as you approach emotions in a logical way.

To @kityoume. I think this might simply be a consequence of the two of you ultimately not being particularly compatible socially. When I was with my ex, who is very emotional, I struggled to express myself. I think this was partly due to inexperience, and partly because her strong feelings could be smothering and overwhelming to me. I also handle conflict and arguing very badly, while she had no problem arguing or raising her voice about topics she is passionate about. This made me act very much like how you describe your boyfriend, where I seemed robotic and mechanical, though in my case I think it was a consequence of anxiety over doing or saying something wrong. When we were still just friends, we would have several hours long conversations about all sorts of topics.

With my current partner, we have lots and lots of long conversations, and both talk passionately about topics we care about. Like me, she doesn't like arguments, and she is also very to the point, which fits my style of communication well. She definitely experiences emotions differently than me, as she is not autistic and I strongly suspect I am alexithymic, but she is not needy, and her strong emotions are not directed at me. In addition, we communicate very well, and are completely honest with each other. My ex has also found other more passionate people she gets along with better, so ultimately I think we just weren't emotionally compatible.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I just want to remind you of the typical "if you know one autistic, you know one autistic" response.

I personally have had plenty of long heart-to-heart conversations, with both non-autistic and other autistic people, and kityoumi herself is autistic. However, I have a big interest in people and decision making, so I suspect other autistic people might struggle more simply because they do not find those topics as interesting as I do. I also have a very logical mind, but I don't find logic and emotions to be incompatible, as long as you approach emotions in a logical way.

I realized I was making a broad generalization there. But given that trouble with understanding and engaging in social interactions is one of the key criteria to being autistic I thought it worth noting again.

That's an interesting take on emotion and logic not being incompatible. I'm not sure that i'd agree I think when the two are aligned it's mostly just coincidence. My experience over the years dealing with NT's has always been once they get emotionally hung up on something facts and logic do not matter at all. Mind you that can be true for most NT and ND alike. I've always tried to remove emotion from any important decisions because emotion clouds logic and reason.

 

[Judge]

I'm afraid that my new partner won't satisfy me sexually or will be too aggressive and cold or will be flighty and will constantly cheat on me

If your boyfriend really is on the spectrum of autism, it's possibly a mistake to assume that his verbal communication abilities parallels his sexual communication abilities.

You just may find that he communicates with you much better physically than in words alone. -A reality for some of us.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I just want to remind you of the typical "if you know one autistic, you know one autistic" response.

I personally have had plenty of long heart-to-heart conversations, with both non-autistic and other autistic people, and kityoumi herself is autistic. However, I have a big interest in people and decision making, so I suspect other autistic people might struggle more simply because they do not find those topics as interesting as I do. I also have a very logical mind, but I don't find logic and emotions to be incompatible, as long as you approach emotions in a logical way.

I enjoyed your post, Stuttermabolur. What you say above is very much my experience.

 

[vergil96]

I have been on the other end of the problem as well. Hmmm. I often want to talk but nothing comes to my mind. Special interest is something I think about a lot and exercise my vocabulary about it, it's like involuntary background noise in my head - science, computers, numbers and the such. Sometimes another topic as well.

Feelings are also hard to talk about, hard to identify. There is some level of difficulty for me in talking about feelings, I need a lot of space and time for it.

I definitely have heart to heart conversations and need them, however, it's hard and I didn't always know how to do it, because of the already mentioned alexythymia. I used to have a hard time telling what I feel.

I am alexithymic, which means I often cannot identify my feelings. I have them. I have physical sensations, but I cannot regulate them well and most of the time its 100% on or off, which can come off as socially inappropriate and embarrassing. So, I have become very good at shutting down emotions and functioning almost exclusively on a logical level.

I learnt how to identify and manage feelings, but still, I have mastered simply functioning without feelings to a degree that it's my default. It was also very natural for me since a young age.

When it comes to special interests, I can talk an awful lot, but someone asks me how I feel about something, and if I don't have a ready made packaged response for it, my mind goes "ummm", "emmm" and "I kinda feel good/bad/[another too general single word], I want cookies, it makes me think of cookies / [insert something that might not make a lot of sense for someone who can''t read my mind]"... I'm introspective, but I can be bad at answering questions about feelings on the spot, it often comes out in an awkward manner.

For me it's having conversations about feelings speciffically that can be difficult and I like to do something together with others in general, we don't have to talk, just be together. Do something fun, enjoy the time. I don't like being touched, but with a partner it becomes easier over time.

 

[Hypnalis]

@kityoume

If you want to keep this guy, you need to negotiate.

Assume he's telling you the exact truth about his inability to discuss "feelings" with you.
Don't state or or imply he's lying about that.

As for the "why": The details are in #1 and #2 of @Neonatal RRT 's post above.

Some soft advice:
Judging by your first post, he's been through something akin to this before, and he knows that rejecting this part of him is the same thing as rejecting him as a person and as a partner.

This has to be a "balance of needs, interests, and capabilities" negotiation, not a "balance of power" negotiation.

 

[kityoume]

If your boyfriend really is on the spectrum of autism, it's possibly a mistake to assume that his verbal communication abilities parallels his sexual communication abilities.

You just may find that he communicates with you much better physically than in words alone. -A reality for some of us.

yes, that's true and that's what I really like about him. His tactility is top notch no one has ever hugged or kissed me so tenderly before, I like interacting with him

 

[kityoume]

Consider this perspective from someone who is autistic married to a neurotypical for over 35 years.

Some of what you explain above hits home, so I will try to address some of this in terms of "work arounds" and "coping strategies".

Issue #1: Generally speaking, heterosexual men, and especially when autistic, have zero interest in talking about people and relationships. Very rarely will they even want to watch a movie that involves the topic. As a general rule, we are far more interested in "things" and "topics". The strategy that works best for my wife and I is that she goes out every few weeks with her girlfriends, often to just sit and talk.

Issue #2: I am alexithymic, which means I often cannot identify my feelings. I have them. I have physical sensations, but I cannot regulate them well and most of the time its 100% on or off, which can come off as socially inappropriate and embarrassing. So, I have become very good at shutting down emotions and functioning almost exclusively on a logical level. Furthermore, as with most autistics, there is an underlying depressive condition, and males, if they are depressed, will often express it as aggression, frustration, and anger. Why? It raises testosterone and dopamine, which helps minimize the depression in this rather socially dysfunctional biofeedback loop. Interesting physiology. Good luck dealing with that as a female partner. The strategy I have for that was to be involved with athletics, intense workouts in they gym, focusing my mind on everything else but me. Keep my mind and body busy. Don't let me get bored.

Issue #3: I have been with my wife for 40 years. I have zero idea what she is thinking, if she is "in the mood", whatever. Welcome to autistic "mind-blindness". I do have a few strategies here: (1) If I don't know, I ask. This involves some intellectual curiosity and interest on my part. Without it, I am operating blind. (2) Because I am not operating on an emotional level, am not bonding with conversation, and also knowing that many autistics, including myself, have lower circulating levels of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the "love hormones", most of my bonding is by physical touch. My wife and I hold hands, hug, and kiss a lot. I tell her I love her probably 6 times a day, maybe more. If we are sitting on the couch or in bed, we are up against each other. You get the idea.

Issue #4: Disagreements. Yes, but we learned to not raise voices and argue. That's a skill, but a necessary one with me because if I become emotional (1) I cannot think and I will shut down, ending the discussion, but if you keep pushing, then (2) I am a physically strong and very aggressive person, with poor emotional regulation, which might not bode well for my wife whom I can toss around like a little rag doll. I cannot allow myself in that state. So, the strategy here is to push aside emotion, discuss things calmly, and sometimes agree to disagree and just let it go. Stop trying to control the situation. Let me do my thing. Let her do her thing.

Issue #5: You can have a heart-to-heart conversation. Just without emotions. As soon as either of us become emotional, the conversation breaks down, nothing is ever resolved, and it is tabled until later, dragging the situation out longer. No good.

Issue #6: Long silences and spending time by ourselves doing our own thing. At this point in our relationship, we've figured it all out. Things I like to converse about, she has no interest in. Things she likes to converse about, I have no interest in. I can sit in silence for hours, thinking, reading, doing whatever. She has learned to do the same. She reads her novels and watches her "chick flick" movies. We love to travel and spend time together very much, but sitting next to each other for long periods of time in the car or on a plane, no need to converse. I literally cannot think of or simply make up anything to talk about. I cannot start a conversation with small talk. I don't have those skills. Now, having said that, obviously, throughout the day, we will address issues of importance, bills, domestic things, the kids, work, etc. It's not like we don't communicate. We probably communicate better than most couples in this regard, but we simply aren't blabbering on about "non essential" things in our lives, or anyone else's lives that is none of our business.

Well, I hope this gives some perspective.

your experience is very interesting and seems really similar to my situation, silence scares me because it creates a feeling of "insufficient attachment" as if it is easier for a person to leave you. Basically, the problem is only in this fear. I do not feel the need for constant conversations, I like to be alone for a few days or spend this time only with my friends, obsession is a huge minus for me. If only I could be sure of someone's devotion to me despite their silence and unemotionality, I would stop worrying. I have an idea that there is a direct connection between long conversations and the absence of abandonment.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

your experience is very interesting and seems really similar to my situation, silence scares me because it creates a feeling of "insufficient attachment" as if it is easier for a person to leave you. Basically, the problem is only in this fear. I do not feel the need for constant conversations, I like to be alone for a few days or spend this time only with my friends, obsession is a huge minus for me. If only I could be sure of someone's devotion to me despite their silence and unemotionality, I would stop worrying. I have an idea that there is a direct connection between long conversations and the absence of abandonment.

Within the context of autism, where most of us struggle with small talk, initiating conversations, maintaining conversations, and speaking "ad nosium" on topics that are outside our area of knowledge, long periods of silence are not a good indicator of interpersonal attachment. Within this context, you should focus upon "action not words". Do you hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle? Actions are more telling. Another example, if my wife or I find another person attractive and look, does that mean that we do not love each other and/or are looking for another opportunity for another relationship? Absolutely not! Is the other person acting upon shallow impulses, or are they grounded in the relationship and empathetic to the other person? We will catch each other and laugh. We trust each other implicitly. Will people, including myself and my wife, have "opportunities" with other people? Sure. However, do I or my wife recognize that situation, pause, and say to ourselves, "How would the other person feel?" "Is this fair to the other person?" "What are the consequences of my actions?" So, in the end, nothing happens. I also have a strong sense of conscience.

So, in your situation, you need to sort this out in your mind. Do you let your insecurities undermine and destroy your relationship from distrust? Self-destructive behaviors.