my boyfriend doesn't talk

[Jonn]

He talks little, that is, he is not silent all the time, but he answers in monosyllables and mainly likes to talk about technology and electronics, and not about people, their feelings and relationships. When I want to tell him something about my feelings or experiences, he answers with just one word.

Those on the spectrum are known for their social disabilities.
We are also known for our special interests and our lack of interest with other ppl's special interests.

When it comes to personal relationships, most of us seem to lack acumen in this area.
Heavy compromise is often the name of the game.

 

[Jonn]

Why can't autistics have long, heart-to-heart conversations? I think they might just be contemptuous of not wanting to do it and not caring what others feel, it's easier for them to dump you on top of not wanting to bother talking to you.

I think lack of ToM (Theory of Mind) has a lot to do with poor interpersonal communication.
I'd be surprised if "contemptuousness" has anything to do with it.
Interpersonal relationships are very difficult for some of us.

 

[thejuice]

I think lack of ToM (Theory of Mind) has a lot to do with poor interpersonal communication.
I'd be surprised if "contemptuousness" has anything to do with it.
Interpersonal relationships are very difficult for some of us.

Yes there were some very faulty deductions from him just being himself. He's trying to be honest and transparent. This is probably based on a fear of abandonment which is not the boyfriend's issue or fault, so it's unfair to unload that baggage on to him. The excessive worrying and forcing him to be someone he is not might drive him away, especially if his feelings and needs are not being considered. But is that subconsciously what is wanted.

 

[Hypnalis]

I think lack of ToM (Theory of Mind) has a lot to do with poor interpersonal communication.
I'd be surprised if "contemptuousness" has anything to do with it.
Interpersonal relationships are very difficult for some of us.

This is all connected of course, but I'd suggest there's a bit more to it:

* People with a different "emotional palette" than NT norms, and/or less intense emotions (both would categorize under Alexithymia) don't have the same body of experience as a "standard issue NT", and even less so an NT who self-classifies as "emotional"

* People who think more visually, or even more difficult, neither verbally nor visually, have a harder time communication about their emotional states even if they are "100% typical" in terms of their feelings.
It's much harder to discuss something abstract when there's no shared vocabulary

* Then you have the 100% natural, evolved M/F bias: (a) Men frame things as "problems to solve" what women frame as "a topic for analysis and discussion"; (b) Men regulate their emotions more actively, and are inclined to wait out imbalances rather that talk them out.
(NB: this is part of the "Hunter vs Gatherer" split of you look at it with an evolutionary lens: whatever someone feels while in the middle of a fight with a hungry Smilodon is best deferred
Except for goal-directed adrenaline-fueled rage OFC, but I don't classify that as an emotion at all. YMMV.

* ToM belongs on the list OFC,


What it all nets out to is that some 100% reasonable people won't be able to talk about their own emotional states, nor discuss someone else's emotional states with them.

In a "relationship", this could be negotiable, a low-level problem, or a show-stopper, depending on circumstances.

Uncertainly should be handled via clear and honest communication, leading to a negotiated result.
But people are people - that's easy to say in a forum, harder to actually do it IRL

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I also want to emphasize the "when you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person" thing. My partner and I, both autistic, have a very different experience than those described earlier.

I am very talkative, and we are both very verbal people. Mind you, we both also have a strong interest in people's inner lives. We both want to go into psychiatry as a profession (or, for my partner, it's a strong alternative option). We both have interpersonal skills I'd consider quite high for autistic people, because we've both spent our lives observing and learning about them, because we're very interested in them. Interestingly, we are VERY different with people, but, in our own way, we both are skilled. We are also sort of the free therapists for our friends, we both have always been that way since childhood/adolescence.

That, of course, is reflected in our relationship. When one of us has a problem, the other one automatically goes into therapist mode - we try not to do that too much, but within a limit, it's inevitable. We like to discuss people we know, their problems and their relationships, but not in a gossipy way - at least it doesn't feel gossipy, and I have seen gossipy with girl-friends - but in a more detached, interested way. We both are able to verbalize what we want and need, and the other one tries their best to comply with it, or we try to find a compromise. There's a feeling of deep intimacy.

There are of course situations where we don't understand each other because our brains work differently - not everything is rainbows and sunshine. But, generally, we're very compatible that way. But, as I said, I'm quite sure that that's also because of both our interests in people's inner lives, and both our great knowledge in that area.

In your (the OP's) situation, I agree that no one has to be right or wrong. Sometimes people are just wired differently and aren't compatible enough for a happy, long-lasting relationship. You have read a few descriptions of how your relationship COULD turn out long-term. Do you think you could be happy with it?
I understand your fear of not finding someone else. But I think that that fear will always be there. You have to weigh your options and think through, on your own, what you want. I don't know how old you are. But I think that some people (myself included) have the tendency to think in each and every relationship, that there'll be nothing better out there. And, often, we are wrong.

 

[Jonn]

I also want to emphasize the "when you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person" thing.

Yes, but don't neglect to consider the autism bell curves.
Some of us are on its fringes...
But many are closer to the mean...

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Yes, but don't neglect to consider the autism bell curves.
Some of us are on its fringes...
But many are closer to the mean...

I hadn't thought of it that way. With the recent developments in autism research (no linear spectrum but circular spectrum, etc), do you really think there's a bell curve with the "typical autist" in the middle?

 

[Jonn]

do you really think there's a bell curve with the "typical autist" in the middle?

Reason, and decades of mixing with those on the spectrum on the internet, strongly suggests, to me, that there is at least an implied autism bell curve mean.

Consider:
In order to be diagnosed as being on the spectrum, certain characteristics need to be satisfied.
This doesn't negate the: "When you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person" comment.
However, I find that statement rather amusing since you can say the same about NTs, also.

Damn, it!
To hell with NDs and NTs!
Let us just say: "When you know one person, you know one person."

 

[vergil96]

I'd be surprised if "contemptuousness" has anything to do with it.

I don't understand how not speaking equals to contempt. Yes, when someone is contemptuous, they won't talk to you and will keep to themselves, but it's just one of many possible reasons for this behaviour. Someone might be tired, busy, not talkative, afraid, ashamed, sad, upset, most of the possible reasons have nothibg to do with you or demonstrating an attitude to the OP specifically.

 

[thejuice]

I don't understand how not speaking equals to contempt. Yes, when someone is contemptuous, they won't talk to you and will keep to themselves, but it's just one of many possible reasons for this behaviour. Someone might be tired, busy, not talkative, afraid, ashamed, sad, upset, most of the possible reasons have nothibg to do with you or demonstrating an attitude to the OP specifically.

Yes. The situation is reflecting back the OP's self image.

 

[Jonn]

I don't understand how not speaking equals to contempt. Yes, when someone is contemptuous, they won't talk to you and will keep to themselves, but it's just one of many possible reasons for this behaviour. Someone might be tired, busy, not talkative, afraid, ashamed, sad, upset, most of the possible reasons have nothibg to do with you or demonstrating an attitude to the OP specifically.

In my case, fear of saying the wrong thing or being misinterpreted may be the main factor of keeping "mum".
I am very good at piecing together the reaction after the event, but often clueless on what will trigger a series of consequences.
Think: Lack of ToM.

 

[Jonn]

Yes. The situation is reflecting back the OP's self image.

"Projection" could be a factor in some situations.