My casual friend was a textationship in disguise.

[Tony Ramirez]

This is my so called solo first female friendship in my life. I now believe it will be my last so it's too late to know what red flags too look out for next time which will be never.

Me and Madison would message all the time although most of the time I would have to message her first before she would respond which is a red flag of a textationship. She would respond within a few hours sometimes more quickly so she did read her messages. She would give me very inspiring messages which would lift me up and make me feel better.

The big red flags was when I tried to just hang out with her as a casual friend and she said just church friends and Sunday only. Then when Sunday comes she will often say on her texts that I will see you on Sunday we will talk but when Sunday can't around she no longer came to me. I often had difficulty finding her. When I did find her and wanted to catch up for the week and about our personal messages she would often say I got to go and make up the same crap excuse like I am meeting a friend and busy but never mentioned it in her text messages about meeting up on Sunday.

The last straw which I am not going to repeat myself you can read my post history was the tipping point and she was one of the factors of why I changed churches recently.

 

[tree]

It seems you expected way more from the friendship than
what she had in mind.

 

[thejuice]

You know what we do with fake people

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It seems you expected way more from the friendship than
what she had in mind.

I don't understand. Really. Every freaking day I see guys and girls just hanging out as casual friends talking and stuff. What's do damn important and impossible that I got to pull teeth to even get someone that suppose to be my friend to even talk to me for longer than a minute once a week. Why am I the victim and bad guy all the damn time when I am always super nice to her. It sucks so you expect that.

 

[tree]

As I said, it looks as if you expected way more from the friendship
than she did.

I don't see that you are a victim of anything other than misunderstanding
how much time a casual friend might devote to you.

That doesn't make either one of you a bad guy.

 

[thejuice]

I don't understand. Really. Every freaking day I see guys and girls just hanging out as casual friends talking and stuff. What's do damn important and impossible that I got to pull teeth to even get someone that suppose to be my friend to even talk to me for longer than a minute once a week. Why am I the victim and bad guy all the damn time when I am always super nice to her. It sucks so you expect that.

This is my so called solo first female friendship in my life. I do believe it won't be my last but now I do know what red flags too look out for.

Me and Madison would message all the time although most of the time I would have to message her first before she would respond which is a red flag of a textationship. She would respond within a few hours sometimes more quickly so she did read her messages. She would give me very inspiring messages which would lift me up and make me feel better.

The big red flags was when I tried to just hang out with her as a casual friend and she said just church friends and Sunday only. Then when Sunday comes she will often say on her texts that I will see you on Sunday we will talk but when Sunday can't around she no longer came to me. I often had difficulty finding her. When I did find her and wanted to catch up for the week and about our personal messages she would often say I got to go and make up the same crap excuse like I am meeting a friend and busy but never mentioned it in her text messages about meeting up on Sunday.

The last straw which I am not going to repeat myself you can read my post history was the tipping point and she was one of the factors of why I changed churches recently.

If someone would avoid me at a gathering and also made excuses to leave as soon as possible when you do cross paths and would never initiate contact first, I wouldn't consider them a friend. Id say they were a flake.

 

[Judge]

This is when one can best learn from such an experience. Not to seem so urgent, or push too hard over someone you meet, even if just a simple friendship. If you "smother" such a person too much and too often, in all likelihood you will repel them. When suddenly they don't even want to meet in person with you any more...which appears to be exactly what happened.

It's a social dynamic to be very much aware of regarding newly-acquainted friends of the opposite sex. To be a friend and not project anything beyond that. If you do, even while your intent is merely platonic in nature there's a chance they will simply run off.

Don't push it so hard- especially at the outset. To learn to not project any sense of urgency about it all. And keep it positive, without dumping all your fears and concerns on them. At least not at the beginning.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Defeated whoever or not. This person made me so happy then severely depressed that I thought single women hated me again to the point I was considered suicide and yes I even told her that like she gave a damn. It was my married friend Patty who found me Roots where she works where they did game where I discovered this great church while Madison hoped to London for her job trip,told me some BS about not being able to message me even though you can use EE data cards and WhatsApp then was concerned when I was not there this Sunday when she got back.

 

[thejuice]

Youve trusted your gut on this one and youve moved on, seems like a win, youre in control. No point throwing good money after bad as you have realised. Youve got a fresh group of potential friends, take what youve learned with this experience and prosper!

 

[Neri]

Defeated whoever or not. This person made me so happy then severely depressed that I thought single women hated me again to the point I was considered suicide and yes I even told her that like she gave a damn. It was my married friend Patty who found me Roots where she works where they did game where I discovered this great church while Madison hoped to London for her job trip,told me some BS about not being able to message me even though you can use EE data cards and WhatsApp then was concerned when I was not there this Sunday when she got back.

Telling her you considered suicide is extreme and cruel emotional manipulation, even if you weren't trying to, that's how it would be felt by her.

Waaaaay too much pressure.

Don't do that to your friend's, that's not being a friend to her, that's just trauma dumping on her. You are going to have to learn to keep that in check if you want to succeed at female-male friendship.
You are the one that wrecked it, don't put it on her. You put too much pressure on her.
She actually sounds like a lovely person who was just trying to be a friend, but you made it "heavy".
Something to work on.
I think learning more interpersonal and emotional regulation skills would help you.
Dialectical therapy comes to mind.
Or you could get more into the whole body-mind healing aspects of yoga and that might help you learn some healthy detachments and self awareness. Yoga means "union" and is about starting to identify with your eternal and interconnected Whole Self through breath and body awareness and all of the different kinds of yoga. There is "karma yoga" which is about developing interconnectedness, peace and wellbeing through humble service to other's.
"Bakti yoga" which is developing healthy relationship to Self and other's through an attitude of reverence and awareness of the Spiritual, Undying and Archetypal "God(s)" Aspects of Self and opening your heart to "The Divine,"(however you perceive It).
There are many different types of "Yoga/Union" that will, or at least can, bring you into alignment with the you that is happy and content just to Be, and not needing to be so attached to outcomes and people being the way you want them to be, instead learning to accept life on life's terms and be content within yourself. That, in turn, will make you more attractive to be around and more relaxing and nicer, as a friend, yourself.

 

[Rodafina]

What is a textationship?

 

[Judge]

What is a textationship?

I had to look it up...wondering if it was a real word. It is...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...-textationship-into-something-more-meaningful

 

[jsilver256]

This is when one can best learn from such an experience. Not to seem so urgent, or push too hard over someone you meet, even if just a simple friendship. If you "smother" such a person too much and too often, in all likelihood you will repel them. When suddenly they don't even want to meet in person with you any more...which appears to be exactly what happened.

It's a social dynamic to be very much aware of regarding newly-acquainted friends of the opposite sex. To be a friend and not project anything beyond that. If you do, even while your intent is merely platonic in nature there's a chance they will simply run off.

Don't push it so hard- especially at the outset. To learn to not project any sense of urgency about it all. And keep it positive, without dumping all your fears and concerns on them. At least not at the beginning.

Yes, I kept talking intimacy levels for a reason.

If there is stuff you'd share with someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn't share with the same sex, then that's a good sign that you are pushing the relationship into territory that would not be considered "platonic."

Platonic doesn't mean just not flirting. Platonic implies emotional boundaries as well.

The vast majority of a long-term, committed relationship is about the emotional intimacy, not the physical/romantic aspects.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Then why did she keep saying to me especially in person that it's okay Tony and you don't need to apologize.

She even said that she still wants to hang out with me the other Tuesday couple I am close with out to eat.

Also as I said I have no therapist my mother keeps delaying it for 2 months now so I been trauma dumping on practically everyone.

 

[jsilver256]

Then why did she keep saying to me especially in person that it's okay Tony and you don't need to apologize.

Two reasons. First, you weren't being a bad person and she knew that. Second, NTs rarely talk to each other in such direct language.

She even said that she still wants to hang out with me the other Tuesday couple I am close with out to eat.

If she was qualifying hanging out by with doing it with another couple, that was most likely her way of hinting that she did not feel comfortable being with you alone. Remember what I've mentioned in this post about many single women not wanting to be with men alone.

NTs don't always say things like "I'm uncomfortable being alone with you because that's too intimate for an opposite-sex relationship, here are the boundaries of a platonic relationship which I'm comfortable with." They often will instead use "positive" language like "I'd like to hang out with you and another couple." It does take practice to read into the hints.

 

[Rodafina]

Second, NTs rarely talk to each other in such direct language.

NTs don't really say things like "I'm uncomfortable being alone with you because that's too intimate for an opposite-sex relationship, here are the boundaries of a platonic relationship which I'm comfortable with." They will instead use "positive" language like "I'd like to hang out with you and another couple." It does take practice to read into the hints.

I wonder about the validity and reliability of this generalization. I think we would all benefit from accepting the idea that NTs are varied and diverse in the ways that they interact and the things they do and say. Their behavior cannot be described within such narrow confines.

Neurotypical people with healthy and strong communication skills can certainly be direct and clear in setting boundaries. This is not a trait that is exclusive to neurodivergent folks.

 

[jsilver256]

That's a fair point, and yes, this doesn't apply to all NTs.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe she went on her trip and realized she truly missed you. Sometimes others don't miss me until l vamoosed entirely away. Sometimes, you can be taken for granted. Friendships are tricky. To me, they are as complicated as relationships. And l have clearly stumbled around in very extreme variations of either. Did she lead you on? Yes, that could have happened also.

 

[thejuice]

People should appreciate Tony more IRL, ya snooze ya lose

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

"Friendship" isn't a single, simple thing. For example in casual conversation people will use the same word for someone they've been close to for 20 years, and someone who works at a shop they've visited around once a month for a couple of years, and who knows their name.

In case this is relevant, you can't learn about friendships on TV or in movies. Entertainment is deliberately made of exceptional situations - routine isn't interesting enough to hold a viewer's attention - so the majority of what you see on screens is unrealistic fiction.

The depth and level of commitment of a friendship is "negotiated" in small steps. There's no single protocol, and it varies a lot anyway. e.g. you might have "exercise friends", and have coffee with them sometimes, but never do anything else with them. Or talk friends - this works differently for M-M friendships and M-F friendships, and very probably F-F friendships are a third category (I can't do a live test on those
Or people with whom you exchange favors. Any combination is possible.

Last point, but the reason for the post: Relationships of all kinds are controlled by the one who wants it least.

You can read that in different ways: one is that you can't force a friendship beyond its "agreed/negotiated" limits. You can ask, but you can't demand.

The two quickest ways to destroy a friendship are both related to this: push too hard, and betrayal of the agreement.

I can't know if you did either of these of course. But they're the first place to look.

For example, "Trauma Dumping" which I think you've mentioned, is a consistent source of "friendship stress".
Some people don't mind it. Some even like it (I've described these to you as "caring personalities" previously. And some don't accept it at all.