My family is bullying me

[Jet Weiss]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

 

[Kyn]

I can't even formulate a response to people such as that. Just know that they are most decidedly in the wrong and have no right whatsoever to treat you and your mom that way.
Quite frankly, I believe that cutting ties with such people is usually the way to go. I have recently severed contact with part of my extended family, and it has been a huge relief to no longer have those individuals in my life. You cannot help who you are genetically related to, but sharing a bloodline does not mean that those people deserve the title of 'family'. True family loves and cares for one another. Those who don't are just chromosomally similar people.

 

[Streetwise]

the bible talks about vengeance, in psalms David asks god to punish people and then thanks god for his care
if you wait youll see their punishment for descrimination

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

 

[Alaska]

Jet, it is awful that you have had to bear such terrible behavior.

I have, or rather, had, a very large extended family on both sides. They behaved in negative ways constantly, so I elected to leave them out of my life. I think it is much better to dispense with people who behave like that.

I do not know whether you have any choice at this time about associating with the badly behaved relatives, but you might want to consider avoiding them as much as possible until you can cut them out of your life entirely.

I like your lavender hair and coordinating glasses.

 

[Streetwise]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

if you DONT have a bible Google psalm 109 i!!!!!! have to

 

[Streetwise]

I can't even formulate a response to people such as that. Just know that they are most decidedly in the wrong and have no right whatsoever to treat you and your mom that way.
Quite frankly, I believe that cutting ties with such people is usually the way to go. I have recently severed contact with part of my extended family, and it has been a huge relief to no longer have those individuals in my life. You cannot help who you are genetically related to, but sharing a bloodline does not mean that those people deserve the title of 'family'. True family loves and cares for one another. Those who don't are just chromosomally similar people.

a my crappy coordination
part 2 forgive

 

[Streetwise]

if you DONT have a bible Google psalm 109 i!!!!!! have to

forgiveness is a war every day but its designed to stop my pain

 

[Suzanne]

I wish I had a stress ball right now, for I am FUMING reading this; how DARE they treat you and your mother like this.

I wonder, it at all, that the parents actually meant: you must not say cruel things to people in wheelchairs etc, but she instead made it appear that they should be prejudiced instead ie don't talk to people who are not like you?

If it is about a lack of proper communication skills via parents to children, then it seems that youtube is the culprit, if they can find deogratory things to say.

I have now, pushed the remaining family members out of my life and I am better for it. They have a nasty habit of transporting me back to the past and due to my sister's bad parenting, her eldest daughter hates me and basically, none of our nieces or nepthew want to know us and in truth, since I made the decision to not have any more communication with them, it is honestly, good thing for me and my welbeing.

 

[OlLiE]

that's pretty bad, especially as it is being done by family in your own home

although i would think that it is entirely avoidable, one would think that a parent wouldn't want their child exposed to such things and just wouldn't invite them over, they wouldn't be the first family members to be declared persona non grata, if they continue to be invited make sure you know in advance and find something to do outside the house for the duration, let your mom make up an excuse for your absence

otherwise simple minded, abusive, self hating trash is everywhere, the fact that they are family is ultimately irrelevant, there is no reason for you to place any value on what they say, if that's the only way they know to have fun you should pity them, their world is so much smaller than yours, making a success out of your life is the ultimate putdown for them

good luck

 

[Bella Pines]

No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!

Sorry to hear that, it sounds awful. It's difficult to distance yourself from close family and in that situation, working to resolve the differences is often the best course of action. But for extended family, it does sound like you can encourage your mother to distance yourselves from these people and this behavior.

Don't be tempted down the path of resentment or revenge, I think that deep down you realize that NTs have a sort of disability themselves. They don't view the world objectively. They can't see the effect their parents are having on people and they can't see how their attitudes make for a harsh and unfriendly world. Not only that, a lot of them don't want to see. A lot of them are content to live in nasty, spiteful environments, possibly because they have never know differently and they lack the ability to imagine that the world can be different.

It is a tragedy but I would suggest that you leave them to it and focus elsewhere.

 

[Momo]

This sounds like my father's family (and my father himself). There isn't really all that much you can do except minimise the time you spend with them. Trying to change the children won't work as the parents will only become angry and push the kids into more of this behaviour, and you won't be able to change the parents either. My father has treated me like that for as long as I can remember, laughing in my face about how I am a f***** up person, useless, gutless and so on. He wouldn't let me be diagnosed because of the stigma, I don't know if that was entirely external stigma or if it was his feelings on mental disorders as well. I don't think I'll mention his stance on race or homosexuality (that won't end well). All you can do with these types of people is either spend as little time with them as possible or cut them off, or they will forever poison you and bring you down. You don't deserve that treatment!
Now my rant is complete.

 

[ksheehan88]

I would cut them off completely. You didn't need them before they moved there, so you don't need them now. I am so angry!

 

[Momo]

I would cut them off completely. You didn't need them before they moved there, so you don't need them now. I am so angry!

Brilliant advice, I agree.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I agree with all the persons that said cut that family off. By not doing so, that is enabling their behavior. They love feeling that power, sensing that you and your mother need them, and that they can do or say anything and make you react bad, and you will still love them. They get strength by this. They love preying on persons they see as weak.

This might be harsh to say, so sorry if it is. But, what is more important to your mother, you or them? Her yelling at them does not fix those scars that you will have to deal with the rest of your life from those comments. This is not about shielding you from bad in the world, but from evil in the world. There is a difference.

If I were you I would tell your Mom, "If you want to see them, need them, love them, or keep forgiving them, that is your choice, but I do not. I do not want to look at them, hear them, hear about them, associate myself with them, as I want to care about myself and be around persons that can see the good about me. I rather have no family than that family.

Like it or not, persons are often judged by who they associate with, too. So, even victims will be seen as less as victims by many in this world, if they hang around their abusers and keep going back to them. Yes, I understand low self-esteem and fear often is a part of this equation, and a desire to be loved or for change to occur, but when is enough, enough?

As for those others in the world who preach forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. Those others never admitted any wrong. They see the mother and son as being the wrong ones. If I were you both, move on. Send each family member a letter describing what real family means to you. Tell them you cannot associate yourselves with persons who do not act as family.

 

[Ambi]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

I would cut them out of my life entirely. Those experiences are wounding both of you - you are both worth too much to let those injuries keep happening. If the parents are encouraging that kind of family culture, I don't think there's anything you can do. If you'd like, you could both compose a letter together and send it out to the family members and explain why you are cutting off contact, and what your hopes for them are. I've had to cut off contact with my own father, and consequently, my whole extended family in order to ensure no triangular conversations or passing along of information. It is something many people don't understand or won't support - but he is such a damaging person that it got to the point where I didn't want to constantly have to be in damage control mode. As concerning as their own issues are, I would focus more on your own concerns - shielding yourself from people who are abusing you.

 

[WildCat]

Sounds like these dumplings need to learn tolerance, and quick. That behavior is completely uncalled for, assuming they're not doing this in a joking or lighthearted manner. Even without much direct guidance, I eventually learned it myself as a youngster...reading or witnessing this kind of nonsense disturbs me.

I dread to think how they will turn out once they reach their adult years and whether or not that behavior will continue to carry on. If they don't want to change their ways, ditch them. Nothing you can do about the little ones as it seems like their close relatives obviously don't care either.

 

[Kirsty]

Don't be tempted down the path of resentment or revenge, I think that deep down you realize that NTs have a sort of disability themselves. They don't view the world objectively. They can't see the effect their parents are having on people and they can't see how their attitudes make for a harsh and unfriendly world. Not only that, a lot of them don't want to see. A lot of them are content to live in nasty, spiteful environments, possibly because they have never know differently and they lack the ability to imagine that the world can be different.

This is so very true. (In my circumstances. Well, theirs, as it's not my fault my 'family' turned out the way they are.) I'll copy and paste this into my notes for a while and re-read it until it sinks in.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I had cut my father out of my life after leaving home at eighteen, and did the same to our sister several years prior after she left home. Persons that are abusive, rude, crude and /or narcissistic did not deserve my time, regardless if related by genetics. I rather spend that time talking to some homeless person on the street or to others on forums that want support, or help.

 

[isthisreallife]

What are the point of these get togethers? Are either of your parents close to someone in this group of people? If ties were to be severed would it have a negative impact on either of them? Lastly, are you able to opt out of these interactions?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I agree with all the persons that said cut that family off. By not doing so, that is enabling their behavior. They love feeling that power, sensing that you and your mother need them, and that they can do or say anything and make you react bad, and you will still love them. They get strength by this. They love preying on persons they see as weak.

This might be harsh to say, so sorry if it is. But, what is more important to your mother, you or them? Her yelling at them does not fix those scars that you will have to deal with the rest of your life from those comments. This is not about shielding you from bad in the world, but from evil in the world. There is a difference.

If I were you I would tell your Mom, "If you want to see them, need them, love them, or keep forgiving them, that is your choice, but I do not. I do not want to look at them, hear them, hear about them, associate myself with them, as I want to care about myself and be around persons that can see the good about me. I rather have no family than that family.

Like it or not, persons are often judged by who they associate with, too. So, even victims will be seen as less as victims by many in this world, if they hang around their abusers and keep going back to them. Yes, I understand low self-esteem and fear often is a part of this equation, and a desire to be loved or for change to occur, but when is enough, enough?

As for those others in the world who preach forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. Those others never admitted any wrong. They see the mother and son as being the wrong ones. If I were you both, move on. Send each family member a letter describing what real family means to you. Tell them you cannot associate yourselves with persons who do not act as family.

I agree completely save formone thing.

Under no circumstances write them a letter or fall into the trap of telling them what you feel.
Disengage completely and silently.

The letter thing can go very wrong and ramp up the abuse.
Revenge can be one outcome when you attempt to burst the self image of an abuser. Ie their revenge on you.
The messenger is always shot. (I mean metaphorically)

I have personal experience of the letter thing, so im against, as you may have guessed