My family is bullying me

[Jet Weiss]

What are the point of these get togethers? Are either of your parents close to someone in this group of people? If ties were to be severed would it have a negative impact on either of them? Lastly, are you able to opt out of these interactions?

My mum is close to her aunt and uncle, who sometimes come to these get-togethers.
I don't think severing ties with my mum's cousins would necessarily have a negative impact on anyone for the most part and I agree with the advice everyone has given thus far.
I would be able to opt out of these interactions if I could find something else to do for the day, I would just feel guilty leaving my mum alone with the monsters.

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

This is so relatable. The only difference is that it was a t school not my family. Just use your intellectual advantage to learn everything you can. Learning numbs the pain. Btw, once I stopped trying to be normal and started using my intelligence to my advantage the bullying stopped. So just absorb any and all information and you'll feel better because you'll know you're so much smarter than them. Maybe then they'll stop bullying. If that doesn't work, try just not reacting. And if that doesn't work, try asking an adult to seperate them from each other. That can help break up the mob mentality.

 

[Bella Pines]

But slowly over time! It just dawned on me that abruptly cutting NTs out of your life can go sharply south. If they realise you are doing it, they tend to get real spiteful!

Fortunately it doesn't sound like you are dealing with the sharpest tools in the shed, so with a bit of luck they might not notice, or even better, think it's their idea!

 

[Cyrano]

Unless you have some valid reason to maintain a connection with these clowns (like a major inheritance and you have seen the will), I strongly urge you to sever all ties with them. Life for folks on the spectrum is hard enough without that kind of negativity. You are better off without it -- and them. Relatives or not, they are not your friends; they do not support you; and they certainly don't want to try and understand you.

If you can't completely cut them out of your life, at the very least make it clear to them they are not welcome in your home. Block their phone numbers, block their emails, unfriend them on social media, the whole nine yards. If they turn up on your doorstep and refuse to leave, call the police on them. If necessary, have them arrested for trespassing and hauled off in handcuffs. They are not your friends and you are under no obligation to treat them with more consideration than you would a total stranger.

Do not attend family gatherings where they will be present unless it cannot be avoided, like funerals and weddings; and then leave as soon as propriety and decency allow. Interact with these wastes of space as little as possible. Never meet them on their turf. Always meet them on neutral ground, and always in public, never in private. If possible, bring a true friend with you, who can extricate you from their presence if required by anything from a fictional doctor's appointment to just dragging you out of there, tossing you in the car, and driving off.

Sounds harsh? The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They have done badly unto you; therefore, you do badly unto them by showing them with every action you take and every word you utter that you are meeting them as strangers, not as relatives.

You are under no obligation to be a doormat for these jackasses. Don't allow them to treat you that way. As I said, cut them out of your life as much as you can; treat them as strangers; and don't hesitate to call the police if the situation requires it. They have tried to step all over you. Stomp back!

 

[Judge]

I would be able to opt out of these interactions if I could find something else to do for the day, I would just feel guilty leaving my mum alone with the monsters.

You have to overcome your guilt with anger these people are causing you. Otherwise at this point you are a victim of your own making.

Turn your back on your relatives and don't look back. Take charge of your own life in as much as is possible. When I was your age I became determined not to let anyone put me on the spot ever again. For the most part I succeeded.

 

[radasp]

Someone said, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to" Good Advice! Dump these people.

 

[Alaska]

Go to a volunteer group, or event, or class every time these abusive jerks show up or plan to come by. If necessary make something up and go to the library.

 

[Grandmother B]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

Why does your family even see these people? That would be the first question to ask your mother. There is no law that says someone HAS to see people just because they are related. The first thing to do is to discuss this with your mother and let her know that she does not have to put up with this. And I don't understand why they see all of you either, since they are so afraid of people with different abilities. I'd just say Sayonara to them and get on with my life. God bless and keep you and your mom and best of luck!

 

[Kirsty]

Unless you have some valid reason to maintain a connection with these clowns (like a major inheritance and you have seen the will), I strongly urge you to sever all ties with them. Life for folks on the spectrum is hard enough without that kind of negativity. You are better off without it -- and them. Relatives or not, they are not your friends; they do not support you; and they certainly don't want to try and understand you.

If you can't completely cut them out of your life, at the very least make it clear to them they are not welcome in your home. Block their phone numbers, block their emails, unfriend them on social media, the whole nine yards. If they turn up on your doorstep and refuse to leave, call the police on them. If necessary, have them arrested for trespassing and hauled off in handcuffs. They are not your friends and you are under no obligation to treat them with more consideration than you would a total stranger.

Do not attend family gatherings where they will be present unless it cannot be avoided, like funerals and weddings; and then leave as soon as propriety and decency allow. Interact with these wastes of space as little as possible. Never meet them on their turf. Always meet them on neutral ground, and always in public, never in private. If possible, bring a true friend with you, who can extricate you from their presence if required by anything from a fictional doctor's appointment to just dragging you out of there, tossing you in the car, and driving off.

Sounds harsh? The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They have done badly unto you; therefore, you do badly unto them by showing them with every action you take and every word you utter that you are meeting them as strangers, not as relatives.

You are under no obligation to be a doormat for these jackasses. Don't allow them to treat you that way. As I said, cut them out of your life as much as you can; treat them as strangers; and don't hesitate to call the police if the situation requires it. They have tried to step all over you. Stomp back!

Exactly! I personally feel this is the best post on here by far!

 

[AidenMaccullagh]

Throughout the past several years, some of my mum's family members, mainly cousins, have moved to the USA. This means that we see them relatively often. (We are not in contact with my dad's family as they were abusive to us).
My mum's cousins all have children, some of whom are around my age. The children range in age from 11-19.
The cousins' children have made a very blatant point of singling me out. They will not include me in their activities, and if they are in a situation where they have to interact with me, they go out of their way to bully and disrespect me.
This includes behaviour such as mocking how they think "autistic" people act, i.e. slapping their chests and making unintelligible noises, frequently calling me a "retard," making me the butt of all of their jokes, and saying things to the effect of they think I wear diapers and crap my pants, and don't know how to feed myself properly.
They watch YouTube videos with titles to the effect of "retarded people failing" and other things that I can't really say in print, but you get the idea...
When my mum catches them in the act, she tells them off, and unfortunately they do similar things to her as she has a disability and has a medical alert service dog. They will not take her seriously as they think she is the R-word as well.
My mum has told me that one of her cousins said to her daughter "Don't talk to people who are in wheelchairs or have service dogs."
Wtf?!
No wonder the children behave in such a way, they are learning it from their parents!
I don't know what to do about this, my mum wants to put a limit on the amount of time we spend with the family, which is understandable of course. This is taking a massive emotional toll on the both of us and is causing me to have meltdowns in front of the family, which obviously makes the bullying worse.
Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

That kind of behavior would constitute a separation from family. And a no contact order or even what's called a 258e. This kind of behavior is uncalled for and must be put to an end. They want to play this game and be a bully see how they like it when they don't get anything from you or your family for birthday or Christmas. Hugs to you and your mom. Karma has them in its cross hairs and she is hungry.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I agree completely save formone thing.

Under no circumstances write them a letter or fall into the trap of telling them what you feel.
Disengage completely and silently.

The letter thing can go very wrong and ramp up the abuse.
Revenge can be one outcome when you attempt to burst the self image of an abuser. Ie their revenge on you.
The messenger is always shot. (I mean metaphorically)

I have personal experience of the letter thing, so im against, as you may have guessed

Good point. Although the letter worked for me, it may not work for everyone else. I guess it probably depends on who the abusers are, in terms of age, type of abuse, relationship to the victim, and maturity level, and the tolerance level of the victim. I wrote a letter to my narcissistic sister that was the truth, and I left with feeling of strength and putting the problem on her telling her exactly why I would not communicate with her again. And she did not contact me since. We did not even talk during our Mom's funeral. She had a red face of embarrassment, not sorrow.

But, if I wrote a letter to a group of bullies, insensitive clods, or immature dummies that were relatives, the pack of weak fools likely would try to make things much worse, though I am not sure how much worse it could become without them going to jail. I just know if they were saying that to our kids, it would be the last time they would be saying that. I would tell the parents until every one sincerely apologized to our sons, in our and their presence, with the parents looking on too, it would be the last time they ever saw them again.

And then if it happened again they and their parents would never be seen again, and as they had advance notice of that. Enabling can be just as harmful as abusing, as often the enabler has a nice side, but that other not nice side in supporting the abuser messes up the childs mind even more, as that child thinks it is ok for someone to love them and to still condone and tolerate the persons who abuse them. That really messes up with their mind. In other words, whereas the victim can hate the abuser, he is taught not to hate the enabler, which in turn causes the victim to be abused more.

You know what is the saddest part to abuse? Without enablers, most abuses would stop immediately in its tracks, and there would be far less victims in this world. Had our Mom not enabled our Dad, and our Dad not enabled our Mom, we would have had a better life.

 

[Kirsty]

a no contact order or even what's called a 258e.

I've seriously been thinking about putting a restraining order on my mother and her partner if they ever harass me again as I'm moving house eventually. Is this the same thing? I don't want them to find out my details; they can easily be found in the wrong hands. If any family member tells them where I live, etc., I'll be protected. I will warn others not to pass it on, though.

 

[GhostPrinceRi]

My dad actually refused to have me evaluated because he did not want a "retard" for a child. Now at 20, I have had no therapy or even slight accommodations throughout life. My dad constantly grounded me for being slow at things I wasn't good at, needing step-by-step instructions, crying when I'm being yelled at because it's too loud, and not understanding sarcasm. He would also get very irritated when I had trouble doing things because I am suspected to also have dyspraxia. I still have trouble tying my shoes and buttoning things sometimes. I don't really have any advice, just was letting you know that it's not just you dealing with people like this.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

That is the type of father I would love to give a strong lecture to. I think parents like that who refuse to see the good in their children, and who see any need, limitation and delay as something bad are awful parents. Of course you were not the problem, but him. There are parents would have loved a son like you, including us for sure. We actually encourage our sons to be themselves, but if they want or need extra assistance, we are there for them. So, really sorry your Dad was like that. I hope you do not have to deal directly with that anymore, though his treatment toward you could take much time to heal. The good news is, if you can somehow distance yourself from him, there will persons in this world who will help you find more peace and happiness, defined in your own ways.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

You don't have to be blood to be family. This is not family. Cut them out of your life like they've never existed and never speak to/contact them again.

 

[Misery]

Good grief, that's awful. I'm glad I dont have any family members that would pull that crap.

If I had cousins like that though... I know I wouldnt exactly respond well. I get more than a little "unpleasant" when angered, and would probably have ranted (shrieked) at the parents for 20 minutes about their kids' behavior. Making sure to do this in front of as many people as possible. And then after that, utterly refuse to go to any events that they'd be within 20 miles of.

Just cant tolerate people being complete bigoted asshats like that. There's no excuse for that type of behavior.

Ugh, crap like this is why I'm such a complete misanthrope.

 

[Bella Pines]

I would just feel guilty leaving my mum alone with the monsters.

You have to respect her choice. If she wants to engage then she has every right to do so, you can't choose for her.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Ugh, crap like this is why I'm such a complete misanthrope.

Same here.

 

[Hartley]

If I were you I would ignore these mentioned cousins of yours... cutting them off entirely, in my opinion, seems a bit extreme, however, I wouldn't give them one minute of my time if they started insulting people with mental/physical disabilities. If they can't behave maturely... don't talk to them... you can still have contact, but yeah, I wouldn't tolerate that sort of thing... it's offensive.

 

[Lookinator]

I think it's a sad situation. I would not tolerate such a behaviour toward myself and my mom. I think your relatives unfotunatly are not educated of respect toward people no matter who the person is. You should look for a better friends.

I have the kind of the same situation. The members of one small church where my parents go, used to bully them and me, because we moved over here from central region of Russia to south. That situation lasted for 5 years. They were disrespectful, xenophobic and discriminative so i quited attending the church and figured that i'm an atheist, because i have more logical way of thinking and don't believe in god. I anoniomusly wrote to a local newspaper and discribed the attitude of this people, they told to police so they warned this guys so they were scared and changed their behaviour on hidden aggression, instead of opened.