My financial stupidity and how it makes me want to end my life.

[Metalhead]

Today, my payee paid $300 on the credit card I still have open. I went to the grocery store and tried to buy $140 worth of food. My card kept on getting denied. Apparently, a bunch of charges went through without me knowing about it earlier ty got home, I ordered another cell phone, but I am going to have to eat ramen for the rest of the month because of this.

I have decided to default on the three cards I was paying off through a debt management plan. I thought I had a lot more money than what I actually do have. So this means seven years of collections calls until they fall off my record. None of my wages can be garnished legally, but this is not what I wanted for my life. And I do not want to turn to my parents and ask them to bail me out because I am retarded and smashed my phone in a second of rage.

There are a few good tall bridges nearby I can make a leap from and end my life with.

I suck at handling money.

 

[Au Naturel]

Today, my payee paid $300 on the credit card I still have open. I went to the grocery store and tried to buy $140 worth of food. My card kept on getting denied. Apparently, a bunch of charges went through without me knowing about it earlier ty got home, I ordered another cell phone, but I am going to have to eat ramen for the rest of the month because of this.

I have decided to default on the three cards I was paying off through a debt management plan. I thought I had a lot more money than what I actually do have. So this means seven years of collections calls until they fall off my record. None of my wages can be garnished legally, but this is not what I wanted for my life. And I do not want to turn to my parents and ask them to bail me out because I am retarded and smashed my phone in a second of rage.

There are a few good tall bridges nearby I can make a leap from and end my life with.

I suck at handling money.

Declare bankruptcy?

Why do you order a cell phone when you know you are broke? Live without and discover life unplugged.

Money handling can be learned very easily. Impulse control and anger management is your problem.

 

[Metalhead]

Declare bankruptcy?

Why do you order a cell phone when you know you are broke? Live without and discover life unplugged.

Money handling can be learned very easily. Impulse control and anger management is your problem.

Stupidity is my problem. The only cure for my stupidity is death.

 

[Suzette]

Stupidity is my problem. The only cure for my stupidity is death.

Chin up big guy. Many of us have made similar mistakes. If bankruptcy is an option for you, go that route. You can start rebuilding credit right away and you credit rating will take much less of a hit than defaulting.

Sounds stupid but look at this as an opportunity for a fresh start where you can make better choices.

 

[Metalhead]

Chin up big guy. Many of us have made similar mistakes. If bankruptcy is an option for you, go that route. You can start rebuilding credit right away and you credit rating will take much less of a hit than defaulting.

Sounds stupid but look at this as an opportunity for a fresh start where you can make better choices.

I will call a bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow morning. Right now I just feel like taking the last of my cash and buying a 12-pack of beer with it. I am not going to give in to that. I feel like numbing out. I do not want to feel anything at all right now. I hate myself so much. If only I could slip away from feeling like this.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Don't hate yourself. I have seen too many people fall into the credit trap. It is so easy to do and you are not alone. I second Suzette's suggestion to file for bankruptcy.

Credit is so predatory and people are never taught the true costs, including compounding interest if you pay the minimums. The FIRE sector (Finance, Insurance, Real Estate) count on people being clueless. I have gotten into costly situations in the past and while digging myself out took the lessons to heart.

 

[Metalhead]

True, but most of the people in my life around me would be very happy if I were to suddenly drop off the face of the planet.

And the only people who won't be happy about it do not even live in the same state that I am in.

 

[Metalhead]

Most of my close friends have dropped completely out of my life over the last couple of years. And I am not a priority to the friends who still are in my life - they can make plans with me, but the second something more interesting comes up for them those plans are cancelled without a second thought and I am left alone. I have no social life any more. I have no transportation to go to places anymore outside of my job. All I have is a mountain of debt, no local friends left who actually care about me and my well being, nothing but debt.

 

[Metalhead]

I live in a house surrounded with material possessions, none of which mean anything. I may as well burn it all. I am never going to find purpose there. All it got me was a mountain of debt. And it did not bring me any closer to the people around me. The people around me were going to slip out of my life no matter what I did. All I have is isolation, junk and debt. That is the sum of my life these days. I may as well quit my job and accept my place as a hermit, and live off my SSDI alone. I may as well feel this isolation which I have been avoiding with copious amounts of beer and retail therapy. This is what my life has become. I used to have a very active social life three years ago. Then the pandemic came, bus service faced heavy cuts because of the pandemic, and my friends starting slipping out of my life, one after another. So I have hundreds of games, hundreds of movies, lots of vinyl records, lots of technology in my house, but none of it means a damn thing. And I am no longer drinking, so I am feeling all of this very acutely. This isolation. This futility. This nihilism. The short term dopamine hits from purchasing junk has brought me closer to this point. My life has no purpose. My life has no meaning. My life has no reason to exist. All of that was lost gradually over the course of three years.

 

[Suzette]

Figure out how much money you have really sent your credit card companies compared to your original obligation. See, a huge chunk of that money has been manufactured to keep you in debt so that the card companies can make PROFIT off your back. This debt is not real. This debt is manufactured the same way congress prints money, it is backed by very little. You will feel better divesting yourself of the obligation.

 

[Metalhead]

Figure out how much money you have really sent your credit card companies compared to your original obligation. See, a huge chunk of that money has been manufactured to keep you in debt so that the card companies can make PROFIT off your back. This debt is not real. This debt is manufactured the same way congress prints money, it is backed by very little. You will feel better divesting yourself of the obligation.

I don't even care about the debt any more. I was a retard who got hooked on retail therapy because my life has no meaning. I was a retard who got hooked on beer because my life has no meaning. Separated from my addictions, all I have is isolation. I never had a reason to exist. I was supposed to be a miscarriage. And life would have been better for everybody if that most likely outcome actually happened.

 

[Suzette]

@Metalhead
You have been here before my friend.
Have you made any attempt to get a job closer to home or a home closer to your job?
The 2 hour commute is significant and likely contributes to your depression.

Many of us have delt with the same thing. I did. I used retail as therapy too. Oh well. That WAS what you did. It is not what you continue to do right?

Think of it this way, over the last 6 months you have made significant changes to your life. This is just one more. Each change you make is helping you become the person you know you really are.
You are kind of like a Pheonix, you have to burn to be reborn. Right now you are just in the ashes phase but you will progress! You are growing the new you out of the lessons learned from where you have been.
There is still stuff to do but every day you get a lityle closer. Don't give up too soon!

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, the commute to the job used to be just under one hour each way until bus services got cut even more several months ago.

I may as well burn everything I purchased in my retail therapy phase. I did not find what I was looking for there.

And what am I looking for? Something that quite possibly not exist - a reason for me to keep living.

 

[Metalhead]

The abyss and everlasting nothingness is tempting. Not feeling anything is tempting. To cease to exist is tempting. No more pain, no more tears, no more isolation, no more mistakes, no more failures on my part. A lifetime of messing things up fixed in one determined flash.

 

[Suzette]

The abyss and everlasting nothingness is tempting. Not feeling anything is tempting. To cease to exist is tempting. No more pain, no more tears, no more isolation, no more mistakes, no more failures on my part. A lifetime of messing things up fixed in one determined flash.

But if you can distract yourself for a little while and think of something else, you will start to feel a little bit better and you can start making plans to change things.

But the biggest thing is to stop focusing on your own wretchedness. You are staring a a wart and thinking that tiny spot is all there is. That is not true at all!

 

[Crossbreed]

I may as well burn everything I purchased in my retail therapy phase. I did not find what I was looking for there.

If any of it can be resold or sold to a pawn shop, you may be able to recover some of those funds.

 

[SusanLR]

Death and what ever comes after it will happen soon enough to each of us.
At least while you are alive, you know how it is. So, I take it and go with it,
experience it and work on what can be done.
Every day holds new experiences and new turns.

No one thought I would be born either. Mom was in and out of a coma with pneumonia
and the Hong Kong flu in the third trimester and I was a month late in being born.
I thought the same way, wish I hadn't been born like everyone thought would happen.
But, here I am 65 years later and a lot of life has been really rough.
Now I know most of it is over so I'll take what's left.
Not looking forward to it ending really.

I've no money either. My SSDI is not enough to live on especially if I need help due to health.
Bankruptcy is nothing big. Both my parents did it before they died.
You're young and can start over with more perspective now.
Don't worry what others "think". Take care of yourself first.
You know what's behind door #1. You're living it.
Who knows what's behind door #2 or #3?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

You have been given very good advice by people here who cares about you.

The purpose of live thing its easy. Do actively look what you can do for others, and do it.

It may be work, volunteer, rescue a pet, take care of plants, clean houses or streets... whatever its better than spend time hating yourself or being so focused on your emptiness.

Just start to actively do things. Doing things for others and sadness dont match. So you will feel better.

If you dont want to live for yourself its fine. Many people find sense to their lives living for others and making the world one grain of sand better

 

[Streetwise]

I will call a bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow morning. Right now I just feel like taking the last of my cash and buying a 12-pack of beer with it. I am not going to give in to that. I feel like numbing out. I do not want to feel anything at all right now. I hate myself so much. If only I could slip away from feeling like this.

TRIGGER WARNING
Do you have an Alcoholics anonymous sponsor that's right for you ?,contact AA now ,if not ,get one,tell them everything! that's making you drink\want to drink,get a gp appointment, you need more talk therapy ,DBT is specifically for suicidal ideation, here's dbt info , DBT’s Approach to Treating Individuals at High Risk for Suicide – Behavioral Tech.
Now find out what you have for each month and don't spend any more than that

 

[Metalhead]

Well, I just contacted a bankruptcy lawyer and the lawyer told me that I was technically judgment proof since my job income was too low to be legally garnished and my SSDI could not be legally garnished, and advised against bankruptcy for me because of that. I will try contacting another lawyer soon.

My new phone will not arrive until Monday, and I will be socially isolated all weekend long because of that.

I still am able to reach people using my work cell phone, but I have none of their phone numbers since all of that information was on my personal cell phone, and I have no landline.

I feel insanely depressed. Not just because of the finances, but because of the isolation, the commute, the bad decision I made with my phone yesterday which really makes me an idiot, the lack of transportation on weekends due to bus cuts, the fact that collectors have started to contact me and my family, the fact that there is only condiments in my fridge currently, the fact that I am surrounded with material possessions I tried to cheer myself up with and they only sit there mocking me.