[QUOTE="Markness, post: 773145, member: 21486"......I cannot get even any practice in......
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While you are awaiting more real experiences, and planning more events and later doing those, practice can occur right now, in your daydreams at home. Visualize yourself at coffee dates, book clubs, libraries, supermarkets, art museums, parks, etc. , with you succeeding socially, and having more alluring posture, expressions, positive attitude. Imagine these for any chance encounters with another and others, ones where you both initiate.
Imagine often in detail you being relaxed and confident in social dating and acquaintance situations, with much social success there in various such mentioned and other places, then over time of having these daydreams often, this can retrain your mind and body to believe you had more social successes with the opposite gender than you actually had, causing you hopefully to feel more relaxed and your best during future encounters.
When at a time of higher energy, or have someone else do this for you, write hundreds of prompt questions or topics on note cards, and then each day read several one by one and reply in detail out loud trying to be detailed and relevant with your answer or comment, in as calm, sincere or confident way as possible, depending on that item to be addressed, to help with your communication and presentations with others, when random questions and topics come up.
Look in the mirror, if need be, to see how you could be coming across to others, if this was ever an issue. Or ask a trusted other you respect to be totally honest in what you could be doing wrong, or in why others do not want a relationship for you, if you are able to handle that truth as they perceive, or if you can handle any possible more critiques. Sometimes full honesty is needed from another to motivate us further, yet for some others hearing that makes them messed up more. You know what you can handle there.
Having a negative thought is often ok in order to learn from that either wrong or mistake that occurred and to make some possible adjustment there, if possible, and in order to feel, as sometimes having even less positive feelings are needed to heal and as a protective measure, but when we dwell on the negatives day after day, and when we repeat those same negative thoughts in our minds, constantly have those same negative feelings and same negative actions and reactions, how will that accomplish much other than to be dependent on others for support?
There are lots of ways to make us feel more positive about our situations and to feel better, and while some want to focus on just one way, others try a variety of things, to see what will work, and yet others feel they can do nothing to change their situation. In my case, what I mentioned was just a few of the dozen or so more things I did. The point is, things are rarely as hopeless as they seem, as many can be doing more than what we are to live happier, less sad, or more functional lives. They may not see that in their despair, but they can often do more.
The key I feel is to replace if possible unhealthier routines and attitudes with more healthier ways to accomplish your goals in life. While medications, therapies, faith, and support persons have helped and will help several to get more strength, motivation, direction, knowledge and ability to proceed in a better direction-- to achieve their goals--others got there break by luck, or in my case, by doing everything on my own, through research and daily doing self-help practices there. We all can be different in what we need. Find what works for you.
With regards to luck, many less deserving as those alone could be in relationships, so I get that, and that was like my case before I started dating. I got really really annoyed at that fact. Look at all the abusive and neglectful men and women that could be harming their partners in some way, when someone like you could treat another better. But, they, like you, created opportunities to meet others, and those others may not have advertised their lesser qualities or character flaws, so in that regard deceptions may have occurred from them. In other cases, their behaviors may have worsened in the relationship. This can occur too. But, sometimes things get definitely better, if you find the right fit.
But, when those dating and relationship opportunities failed, several of those others kept creating more opportunities thinking they just met the wrong ones or needed to target their efforts to those places where their interests or traits they desire in another would more likely be. More is often needed though than those, to attract more and to keep another or others in your life for longer duration. I am not sure if you are mostly positive in your talks with others, or not. If not, it would help to start projecting that more after getting that additional medical and/or other help, as mentioned.
Also, by consciously thinking of something good in every bad, and by also shifting the mind to good different things instead of current bad, if you keep doing these daily, then within weeks even its possible to more instinctively be less negative and more positive, relaxed, happy and confident when around persons, and when alone. And try using humor in bad situations sometimes, and try changing up any more depressive looking posture, action or expression, to see if this gets you out quicker out of a bad mood. And reward yourself with things you want or like each day, whether things or activities you enjoy.
Each day think of one or more good things about you. In my case, for each and every letter of the alphabet I eventually came up with at least one good trait. Also, change your password to some positive trait about you. Get fill-in books that are more positive in nature, where each page asks a question and one must brainstorm or think of something good to say about themselves, another, some situation, or from some bad experience, etc. These type of books in general will ask you to detail any past or present happy experiences, thoughts, feelings and dreams. Other books can be about detailing and moving forward from traumas.
We have more control over our lives than many think, especially once we are legal age, and can get away from negative influences, and when we see there are many avenues to take. Then many will have even more time, abilities and motivation to think even more clearly, to put forth more efforts, and to be the best version of themselves. But, even when I lived with my very dysfunctional parents, I said to myself, "Things cannot get much worse, and I still survived that. Things will only get better. Just take things a step at a time, and believe that better days will be soon ahead." And so I started dreaming then of those.
Many will be ok with doctors and therapy, and I am all for that for them too. My worries though are when good advice is given by a variety of others, and action never follows, neither immediately, nor later. They'll just repeat the same patterns they have, expecting different results. In your case, I feel you have the ability to try new things, and consider others' suggestions, from what I see and hear, so I am hoping for that. Maybe something someone says will seem like good advice for you, and you can try acting on that.
Whatever you do, I hope it will allow you if not now, then later, to not come across as too needy to women. It is likely a huge turnoff to most. This could imply to them you have less to offer, or more baggage, even if this was not true. It's always best to focus on positives, but not in an arrogant way, and not pushing things too fast. Women can sense that. While it is true that many women too have baggage or insecurities of their own, they are often smart enough to often not advertise that either. Guys in general like more confident and functional woman as well. So, it works both ways there.
I will end with a few final thoughts that could sum up several of my points. Many women looking to date could see a guy these days and see some good, but what if they see things that do not seem like a longer term match for them at first glance? They could be thinking either: (1) The good in the other and their abilities outweighs their perceived needs or limitations, so they overlook or accept any faults or limitations and give it a chance; (2) Run away, as they need more now than that, or (3) Let's learn more, or try as there seems some fit or good shown, but let's hope to change the other things in the other later, to make it a better fit.
So, it seems to me then, that guy must either show more good than needs on the surface early on in the process, or they must perceive that that guy can change one or more of those things she may want changed. But, if she senses the guy basically saying through body and words, "Just be with me and everything will be ok." That is like a guy telling her, "I cannot change. Will not change. And the relationship solves everything." Take it from me, who understands relationships, they require sacrifice, daily efforts, compromise, and change. That's what love is about, and putting forth the efforts for them too, in ways never done before. Women can dream of future things too.
Maybe you are the rarer one who will automatically feel much better, give more efforts or want to be your best once a relationship happens. Usually though, that is not how things work. How one is now is usually how they will be in a relationship, if not worse, as they will have the others' problems and needs to take on too, which they may or may not be ready for, and as they will rely on the other to change their ways too, to get their needs met. So, I just feel the advice about focusing on improving your health or mindset should be the top priority, before dating. That seems like the least riskiest of paths to take, and then we can be more choosy in what we do.
