My parents don't believe me

[hi_i_like_cats]

I told my parents that I suspected that I may be Autistic. They launched into a long rant about how I was reading too many books and letting them pollute my mind. They said that there was nothing wrong with me and I'm perfect. They made it seem like autistic people are damaged goods. They said I was causing problems for myself. It was very horrible to listen to. I wanted to stim so bad, but I knew I'd get in trouble if I did.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I told them I was probably lactose intolerant. I told them that I had depressive symptoms. They didn't believe me until something bad happened in both cases. Now I don't think I'll ever be able to get a diagnosis because I won't have anyone to talk about my childhood behaviours during the assessment.

 

[Crossbreed]

Are you still in high school? If you are, talk to your school psychologist. They could evaluate you (for free, if you are in the US).

 

[hi_i_like_cats]

Are you still in high school? If you are, talk to your school psychologist. They could evaluate you (for free, if you are in the US).

I'm not in the US. I'm not in highschool either. I'm doing my A-levels right now

 

[Gerontius]

I've been told that I was being made stupid by books, off and on, for a long time. It's like people are ok with reading until it makes one end up questioning their prior beliefs.

Do keep reading.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I told my parents that I suspected that I may be Autistic. They launched into a long rant about how I was reading too many books and letting them pollute my mind. They said that there was nothing wrong with me and I'm perfect. They made it seem like autistic people are damaged goods. They said I was causing problems for myself. It was very horrible to listen to. I wanted to stim so bad, but I knew I'd get in trouble if I did.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I told them I was probably lactose intolerant. I told them that I had depressive symptoms. They didn't believe me until something bad happened in both cases. Now I don't think I'll ever be able to get a diagnosis because I won't have anyone to talk about my childhood behaviours during the assessment.

That sounds really awful. It's hard to deal with that kind of invalidation, when all you're looking for is help. I dealt with some of that when I sought a diagnosis, because people thought I was fixated on the label Autism, when I really just wanted relief and understanding. A lot of times people also think we (i.e. other people) exist for their pleasure. Rather than understand us, they believe we should confirm to their ideals.

If you can't get a diagnosis now, don't give up. I only had a sibling to help confirm behaviors, through a questionnaire. Other than that, I did everything, and was still diagnosed. As hard as it is, you also have to be true to yourself, and your parents will have to deal with that. It's not your job to be the child they want.

 

[Crossbreed]

I'm doing my A-levels right now

Do "A-levels" have school-based psychologists?

 

[Suzanne]

Off spring tend to be seen as a reflection of their parents, so if there is a whiff of "imperfection" in their off spring, they consider it a slight on themselves and thus, react negatively and actually that is subconsciously blaming their child for bring such horror to their notice and thus, their ears and eyes are closed.

Since autism IS considered a huge imperfection in the world, a lot of parents see that too.

Is there ANYONE in your family who noticed you being different as a child, who would be willing to be your advicate?

I can imagine the nightmare you are going through. Not a child; but neither an adult!

I suggest that if you insist on needing your parents to listen, that you highlight the POSITIVE accepts of Aspergers.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My mother and sisters have rejected the idea,...I am in my mid-50s. On many levels, I am at peace with it. I have always said, YOU cannot change their minds, THEY have to change their own minds. Whether it be that their mind is settled on a "moral diagnosis" of you, or that they cannot perceive that someone in their family is not this perfect ideal of a person, or perhaps ignorance,...perhaps willful ignorance,...and there are people in our lives that thrive on a toxic relationship just to torment you. There are a long list of reasons why the people in our lives would rather not acknowledge the presence of autism in their family.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is to simply no longer use these people as "support people" in our lives,...and just move on.

I think the same sorts of family dynamics occur with those in the LGBTQ community, as well.

Many people do not process well the idea of someone else being "different",...whatever that may be. Our tribal nature, I suspect. Sometimes it just comes down to just finding a new group of people to surround yourself with.

 

[VictorR]

There have been examples reported here of individuals who were able to get a diagnosis without an interview from a parent or someone else who knew them in their early childhood.

 

[Judge]

Sadly you have to deal with one critical aspect of the equation. That most parents are apt to default to a "NOT MY CHILD" mentality over the possibility of anything that is so stigmatized in society.

That their children couldn't possibly be anything less than perfect. Preposterous, but I've witnessed it all my life.

In my own case I've been grateful that my own parents saw "something different" about me. Sufficient for them to pursue the matter with medical professionals. Unfortunately in the early 60s, the science simply wasn't there.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My youngest son had a learning disability, got it diagnosed. figured out how to overcome it put a plan in place. Once he hit puberty the disability resolved itself, got him through college. now he is very gainfully employed. has a fiancé, will in the next few months be a father.

 

[hi_i_like_cats]

Do "A-levels" have school-based psychologists?

Yes, they do. I want to talk to ours but I'm a bit apprehensive

 

[hi_i_like_cats]

That sounds really awful. It's hard to deal with that kind of invalidation, when all you're looking for is help. I dealt with some of that when I sought a diagnosis, because people thought I was fixated on the label Autism, when I really just wanted relief and understanding. A lot of times people also think we (i.e. other people) exist for their pleasure. Rather than understand us, they believe we should confirm to their ideals.

Exactly!

If you can't get a diagnosis now, don't give up. I only had a sibling to help confirm behaviors, through a questionnaire. Other than that, I did everything, and was still diagnosed. As hard as it is, you also have to be true to yourself, and your parents will have to deal with that. It's not your job to be the child they want.

Thank you

 

[hi_i_like_cats]

Off spring tend to be seen as a reflection of their parents, so if there is a whiff of "imperfection" in their off spring, they consider it a slight on themselves and thus, react negatively and actually that is subconsciously blaming their child for bring such horror to their notice and thus, their ears and eyes are closed.

Since autism IS considered a huge imperfection in the world, a lot of parents see that too.

Is there ANYONE in your family who noticed you being different as a child, who would be willing to be your advicate?

I can imagine the nightmare you are going through. Not a child; but neither an adult!

I don't think I have any relative that would be willing to stand by me.

I suggest that if you insist on needing your parents to listen, that you highlight the POSITIVE accepts of Aspergers.

Will do.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Must admit Elon Musk is not doing us Aspies any Favours right now as he has admitted to being one of us.

 

[MildredHubble]

I had a similar reaction from my Dad. I'm a lot older than you, I did my A Levels so far back now that it's a dim distant memory :-(

Anyway, that aside, how you can proceed will depend on your age. If you are doing your A Levels you will be between 16-18 right? The issue is when you are under 18 your parents will need to be notified and give permission for any assessment. But if you are over 18 this becomes your business and yours alone.

You might want to wait until you are 18 and then look into it, though one thing I would recommend is talking about any letters or emails that may still be sent to your parents. I had a situation where I was at school, had just turned 18 and my mother in one of her abusive tirades had kicked me out. The problem was that the school were still sending letters to her so I had to formally request that all correspondence was sent to me.

If you do have to wait until your are 18 to get a test, I suppose you may want to think about someone who could go along with you that knows about the traits you have.

I've spoken about this elsewhere on the forum, but when I was 16-17 I had received enough comments from friends etc that indicated I might be dyslexic. So I went to see the school psychologist and talked to them about it and they agreed I should be tested. They gave me a form that my parents would need to fill in. I had been talking about this with my mother every step of the way but when I brought the form home she hit the roof! She accused me of attention seeking and that everyone involved would conclude that and besides I "had already been tested" which was news to me.

I felt very ashamed of myself and it was another 10 years before I got tested and, yep, I'm definitely dyslexic. She made up me being tested before. I assume because she was indulging in the "NOT MY CHILD" behaviour others have mentioned.

The thing is, I suspect she was worried I had autistic traits too and adopted a similar policy of bullying and denial, thinking that she could shame the traits out of me.

The reason why I'm saying all of this is so perhaps you can navigate the system a bit better but also so you you don't get to my ripe old age without knowing. You have every right to decide how to proceed for yourself and a diagnosis, whatever it is will not change who you are but it may help you know yourself better. And that is a very valuable thing!

 

[hi_i_like_cats]

I had a similar reaction from my Dad. I'm a lot older than you, I did my A Levels so far back now that it's a dim distant memory :-(

Anyway, that aside, how you can proceed will depend on your age. If you are doing your A Levels you will be between 16-18 right? The issue is when you are under 18 your parents will need to be notified and give permission for any assessment. But if you are over 18 this becomes your business and yours alone.

You might want to wait until you are 18 and then look into it, though one thing I would recommend is talking about any letters or emails that may still be sent to your parents. I had a situation where I was at school, had just turned 18 and my mother in one of her abusive tirades had kicked me out. The problem was that the school were still sending letters to her so I had to formally request that all correspondence was sent to me.

If you do have to wait until your are 18 to get a test, I suppose you may want to think about someone who could go along with you that knows about the traits you have.

I've spoken about this elsewhere on the forum, but when I was 16-17 I had received enough comments from friends etc that indicated I might be dyslexic. So I went to see the school psychologist and talked to them about it and they agreed I should be tested. They gave me a form that my parents would need to fill in. I had been talking about this with my mother every step of the way but when I brought the form home she hit the roof! She accused me of attention seeking and that everyone involved would conclude that and besides I "had already been tested" which was news to me.

I felt very ashamed of myself and it was another 10 years before I got tested and, yep, I'm definitely dyslexic. She made up me being tested before. I assume because she was indulging in the "NOT MY CHILD" behaviour others have mentioned.

The thing is, I suspect she was worried I had autistic traits too and adopted a similar policy of bullying and denial, thinking that she could shame the traits out of me.

The reason why I'm saying all of this is so perhaps you can navigate the system a bit better but also so you you don't get to my ripe old age without knowing. You have every right to decide how to proceed for yourself and a diagnosis, whatever it is will not change who you are but it may help you know yourself better. And that is a very valuable thing!

Thank you very much

 

[Au Naturel]

I told my parents that I suspected that I may be Autistic. They launched into a long rant about how I was reading too many books and letting them pollute my mind. They said that there was nothing wrong with me and I'm perfect. They made it seem like autistic people are damaged goods. They said I was causing problems for myself. It was very horrible to listen to. I wanted to stim so bad, but I knew I'd get in trouble if I did.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I told them I was probably lactose intolerant. I told them that I had depressive symptoms. They didn't believe me until something bad happened in both cases. Now I don't think I'll ever be able to get a diagnosis because I won't have anyone to talk about my childhood behaviours during the assessment.

Of course they don't believe you. Parents don't usually believe it even when a mental health professional tells them. Autism is a bad thing and NOT THEIR CHILD!

It is normal human nature. You'll need a neutral 3rd party like a school counselor on your side. Even if you can't improve your home situation, perhaps your school situation can improve.

 

[Ken]

I think the biggest issue is that almost everyone believes autism is a terrible, tragic disease. So, even if you got an official diagnosis as autistic, I don't think your parents will be any more "happy" about it.

Perhaps it would be helpful to stress that autism is not a bad thing; just different, and with a little understanding the difference can be a really good thing.

It might help to point out that Albert Einstein, Dan Aykroyd, Daryl Hannah, Anthony Hopkins, Tim Burton, Hans Christian Andersen, Bill Gates, Thomas Jefferson, Steve Jobs, Michelangelo, Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Sir Isaac Newton, Jerry Seinfeld, Nikola Tesla, Andy Warhol, Elon Musk, Benjamin Franklin, Henry Ford, Abraham Lincoln and many, many more are all autistic. So, if you are indeed autistic, then you are in some very good company. Indeed, I think any parent should be very proud to be the parent of an autistic child.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Interesting article in latest edition Dec. 2022, of Scientific America, called rethinking Autism Therapy. To me the proper way of thinking.