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My partner (ASD) and I (NT) have relationship problems. Looking for advice/different perspectives!

AO1501 said:
I think there are times when it is more useful to hear what is being actually said, rather than what it might be interpreted as meaning. In this instance, it seems quite likely to me that when he admitted that he did not see a future with you, that he actually meant exactly that, and not anything else.

As difficult as it is for most NT people to understand, there are many ND people who have little or no capability to project themselves into the future - or indeed any unknown. There is a skill required to do this, which as I know myself, can simply not be there at all, or be very limited in nature.

The fact he has no sense of what he wants for the future would tend to suggest this, so the question itself is so open-ended and lacking in framework to judge by, that there isn't an answer clear enough to give. Add to that the additional pressure of what answer you would see as right and what might be the wrong thing, and the most likely response to the question is silence.

It also seems to me that he told you how he perceives the problem, that the relationship is 'too unstable'. Since this was the core of his response, that's the question that really needs to be addressed, and whether he sees a future for the two of you is actually a tangent which takes you away from the crux of it.

My suggestion is to go back to that issue, and ask him in what ways the relationship seems too unstable, and for suggestions as to how it could be stabilized better. What you, and he, can do to establish something that is more rewarding for you both.

It's only when you both know the answers to this and agree what ways you can move forward, that either of you can really and realistically have a sense of whether the future can be together or not.
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Thank you so much. This is so helpful to know! Based on his past choices and our dynamic I do believe this applies to him. Further, I know that he can talk in a very honest and literal way (some things I love about him), but I wasn't sure about this moment because it was indeed difficult to understand for me. Most people I know (including myself) would have responded differently. Therefore, the moment kept bothering me, even though I wanted and tried to simply trust him on his words so much. It's nice and comforing to know that his response actually makes perfect sense to a lot people who also don't see the future and who would perhaps even have responded in the same way, without that nesseceraily having to be concering/mean something bad.

We already talked a little bit about this unstability. A few things that were discussed, were things we disagreed on (and how problematic this was in our opinion), stuff I could work on (managing my emotions, way of communicating), and the agreement that he would try to let me know sooner. For now we will work on these things and were planning on letting the topic rest for a while. It's probably a good idea to bring it up again some time in the future to reevaluate. Thank you for your insight! :)
 
leoxsi said:
Thank you so much. This is so helpful to know! Based on his past choices and our dynamic I do believe this applies to him. Further, I know that he can talk in a very honest and literal way (some things I love about him), but I wasn't sure about this moment because it was indeed difficult to understand for me. Most people I know (including myself) would have responded differently. Therefore, the moment kept bothering me, even though I wanted and tried to simply trust him on his words so much. It's nice and comforing to know that his response actually makes perfect sense to a lot people who also don't see the future and who would perhaps even have responded in the same way, without that nesseceraily having to be concering/mean something bad.

We already talked a little bit about this unstability. A few things that were discussed, were things we disagreed on (and how problematic this was in our opinion), stuff I could work on (managing my emotions, way of communicating), and the agreement that he would try to let me know sooner. For now we will work on these things and were planning on letting the topic rest for a while. It's probably a good idea to bring it up again some time in the future to reevaluate. Thank you for your insight! :)
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Your outline of the instability in your relationship sounds pretty much like a typical mismatch between the way ND and NT people perceive and communicate with each other, rather than anything really and fundamentally flawed in the relationship itself.

If his ND characteristics involve high levels of literal thinking and verbalizations for example, he will have great difficulty if your NT characteristics then draw inferences and interpretations rather than quite literally take him at his word. In reverse, if you tend to imply what you mean rather than implicitly state it, or talk in allegory and metaphor (as many NT people unintentionally do), he may well find himself constantly lost for what you mean or have said to him. Worse, he may take you at your literal word, only to subsequently discover that wasn't what you meant.

These are very common problems for ND/NT couples, but not insurmountable as long as you both recognize and accept the other's form of communication is misaligned in that way. But, I know from personal experience of many, many years, that there is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than having what I say being 'interpreted' rather than taken as my literal meaning, and having to wrestle with implications in what I am told, rather than being able to take a literal meaning as being what was actually said.

You can build a better platform for communication than this by talking over your differences in communication 'style', because by doing that you're both able to air your method and communication needs and expectations, so even though you'll still get it wrong to some degree, you both know where the other is coming from in a conversation.

That 'I don't see a future with you' comment is a perfect example of how the same words can end up meaning two fundamentally different things to two people, which then could cause a widening fracture which is hard to repair because it wasn't meant to be there in the first place.

It isn't a matter of him being right and you being wrong, so you have to change, but that of the two of you, he is unlikely to be capable of changing how he communicates and comprehends, so if the relationship is important to you, you're the one who will need to be most aware and adaptive to the disparity.

One other thing is that it is possible he can't process thought and conversation in real time quite as easily as you can. This is not untypical for NDs. It means that you will probably get silences during conversations when you would expect more immediate responses. In the NT world, those silences are often interpreted as 'I don't want to answer', or 'I don't have anything to say', where in the ND world, they often mean 'I'm stuck processing what you said'.

You may well also find that he doesn't have particularly well developed emotional language. Many ND people express their feelings through what they do, not what they say.
 
Try this - make a personal list of the following:

1. What would I like in a relationship?
2. What do I want from a relationship?
3. What do I need from a relationship?
4. What do I feel is mandatory in a relationship?
5. What can I absolutely not be happy without in a relationship?

Then discuss with your other (who should, maybe, also independently make a list).

At this point, you'll have a much better idea as to whether a satisfying relationship is possible for either or both of you.

If you decide it is possible, you'll also have a list of incompatibilities that you both can decide how you'll work on - together.
 
leoxsi said:
Hopefully I didn't hurt someone by referring to the term ASD, as I totally agree it's not an illness or something bad. I've seen quite some people refer to the word 'aspie'. It's not a common used word in my mother language, but I will try to use it more
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Nobody minds others using the standard terminology :)

I phrased it that way because I've found it helps (NT) people think about the difference between our thinking a little differently due to having slightly different genetics, and having an "NT-accepted" and treatable or manageable mental illness, or some common/accepted character trait.

Up to a point, we can learn to change how our unique (or at least non-NT) characteristics manifest, because our minds are just as malleable as everyone else's. But there's an "underlying cause" that can't be changed.

To paraphrase an old (and now probably old-fashioned & probably on its way to proscription) joke:
Men marry in the hope that their wives won't change. Women marry with the expectation that they can change their husbands. In general, neither get what they wanted :)

We can change, but some things that NTs might like to change are not malleable in NDs:

In LTRs significant changes in behavior can be, and generally are, negotiated .
But we can't change our "hardware" so there will always be things you can't fully understand, but must accommodate. But also many others for which we are the same as NT's.

A thought for you: a full stay/split discussion, even a perfectly structured and polite one, can't be simple, and will affect the participants.

It might be time for something else: a low-ley discussion where there's no (zero) hint that you're having stay/split thoughts.
So not a big "relationship talk" as such, but address some of the open issues using the "clear, correct, concise, direct, unflinchingly honest" communication principles discussed earlier in the thread.
It would be good practice for a different communications style, and might answer a few of the important "peripheral" questions.

NB:
* I know it's hard to change your communication style. We have to live with this daily, and while it gets easier with time and practice, it's very difficult at first. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and time to refine your technique.

* "No hints" doesn't mean you shouldn't be honest - but be "economical with the truth".

* A lot of NT's try to sneak in "emotional undertones" in their speech.
But Aspies have to learn how to extract the accurate content from the "froth" in NT speech. Some verbal tricks come across as lies, which is counter-productive in a serious discussion. This is why it's "unflinchingly honest" in the list above. Ego-protecting "white lies" sometimes register as malicious deceit to us.
 
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TBRS1 said:
Try this - make a personal list of the following:

1. What would I like in a relationship?
2. What do I want from a relationship?
3. What do I need from a relationship?
4. What do I feel is mandatory in a relationship?
5. What can I absolutely not be happy without in a relationship?

Then discuss with your other (who should, maybe, also independently make a list).

At this point, you'll have a much better idea as to whether a satisfying relationship is possible for either or both of you.

If you decide it is possible, you'll also have a list of incompatibilities that you both can decide how you'll work on - together.
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That's a great way to get two people onto the same page!

One caveat though is that the questions are rather too open for some on the spectrum to know how to answer, particularly if they have little or no experience of relationships - or more importantly, positive ones. I know that at least when I was younger and inexperienced, I would have struggled to know what I could say. Or, more accurately, what I was supposed to say in response to each. I might have felt very pressured, which is a bit counter-productive in this situation.

The principle is excellent, but maybe closed questions for an ND person would typically be easier to parse and respond to, which means that while they may be harder to phrase, the answers would likely be more helpful.

'Do you like when I....?'
'Do you prefer ...... or .......?'
'If we can fix the lack of stability, do you want us to be together?'
'Name the things that make you feel that we are unstable?'

Many ND people like tick boxes, checklists and worksheets, because they're specific and focussed.
 
Steelbookcollector217 said:
just asking because you said that no sexual intercourse has occurred between both of you yet and that makes me wonder why, let me guess not ready for it yet?
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We tried two times but those times didn't work out. I let the topic rest, because I didn't want to put a lot / too much pressure on him. Soms weeks ago I brought up the topic though and he told me that the relationship sometimes felt unstable to him and therefore he had been procastinating (so I suppose he doesn't feel ready yet).
 
Thank you so much for all the kind and helpful responses (@AO1501 @TBRS1 @Hypnalis and @Alexej)! All of your responses are super useful. I really appreciate that you took the time to read about our struggles and share your thoughts on them.

To you and all the others who've shared their thoughts:
I felt very insecure and honestly a bit desperate about what to do, but I feel much more secure now (both in how to feel and what to do). Because of your help, I have a much better idea about the things I can do to make it easier for him and how we can further work on our problems together. Whether we are right for each other or not is a decision we'll finally have to make together, but because of your insights and perspectives it's a lot easier for me to understand him, see what our possibilities are, and what I can (and cannot) expect from him/us/the relationship. Thank you for your amazing support (it's really appreciated)!!
 
leoxsi said:
We tried two times but those times didn't work out. I let the topic rest, because I didn't want to put a lot / too much pressure on him. Soms weeks ago I brought up the topic though and he told me that the relationship sometimes felt unstable to him and therefore he had been procastinating (so I suppose he doesn't feel ready yet).
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Remind me of my ex-girlfriend even though she didn't feel like a true girlfriend due to her asexual personality but she called me her boyfriend and she did allow kissing and making out but more than that she was uncomfortable with
 
I'M on the spectrum my wife is NT we have been married 43 years. We have an active sex life only issue was doctors gave me couple of prostrate drugs as the nerve that allows me to piss was damaged. and the not required drugs screwed up my ability to satisfy my wife. Rebounded after the drugs were discontinued.
 
Ronald Zeeman said:
I'M on the spectrum my wife is NT we have been married 43 years. We have an active sex life only issue was doctors gave me couple of prostrate drugs as the nerve that allows me to piss was damaged. and the not required drugs screwed up my ability to satisfy my wife. Rebounded after the drugs were discontinued.
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I assume both of you first met each other while as teenagers or in the beginning of your twenties
 
I meet her after I graduated college. Running a rooming house, she was one of my tenants. Yes in twenties.
 
This definitely is a difficult subject for me. But l pretty much have filtered thru it the best l can. My partner has a medical issue, and that will always be there. And l think trying to make it up in other ways, just makes him feel inadequate. But he still likes flirting, and kissing, and showing affection. So hopefully your guy doesn't have a medical issue that he may not be aware of, and then he won't really get the ball rolling or initiate something more. Or he maybe asexual and not ready to accept that, like in denial. He doesn't want to lose you yet he can't really bring himself to the next step as it's not really who he is. You kind of have to figure this out, and decide if you want to be with him should it be something you aren't prepared for. I have survived this type of relationship, and we are very close.
 
leoxsi said:
We tried two times but those times didn't work out. I let the topic rest, because I didn't want to put a lot / too much pressure on him. Soms weeks ago I brought up the topic though and he told me that the relationship sometimes felt unstable to him and therefore he had been procastinating (so I suppose he doesn't feel ready yet).
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Reminds me, I use reddit a lot, I saw a couple make a post and they say they have been together for 4 years and they have not had any intercourse or oral either.

The girl mentions that her partner is scared about sex.

Similar to me except it was the opposite
 
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