DogwoodTree
Still here...
That's the way I feel about my former step-dad. I know he didn't have an easy childhood, either, but good grief. There are some things that are just wrong, period.
My dad is truly mentally ill, even though he doesn't seem to recognize it for what it is and instead uses all of his problems as excuses to act however he wants to. Sometimes I can find a soft spot in my heart for him, but not often. Again, some things are just wrong.
My mom was horrifically abused, and she's come so far in her recovery. She's done the best she knew how along the way, and being a way-less-than-perfect mom myself, I can see how there are some mistakes you just can't help but make until you get some functional help.
But that was another problem for her--she reached out for help to people who ended up abusing her again. And again. She's gained a lot even through those experiences, but eventually she reached a point where she seemed to say, "Okay I think I've figured this out well enough now that no one else is in a good enough position to be helpful to me." I understand the dilemma when you feel like you know more about psychology than the counselor you're seeing...even I've had that happen. But there's something to be said for coming in under healthy authority and leadership, no matter how much you know...for being accountable to someone, even though that person is a flawed human being, too.
On the one hand, I have to acknowledge the harm she's done. She was severely dissociated when I was a kid, and simply wasn't there for me, even though she feels so badly about it now. And now she seems to have gone to the opposite extreme and trying to run my life and be deeply enmeshed in everything I think or do. Recognizing how unhealthy she can be helps me stay sane, to realize how much she's contributing to the problem.
On the other hand, I can't fault her without recognizing the extent to which many of those same patterns are still in me. It's like it's a generational thing, and she made progress against it all, but she couldn't fix all of it in one generation. Now it's my turn to push the issues a little further along, and claim even deeper healing and recovery in our family line. Then my kids will have the opportunity to take the baton from me and run with the momentum that I've stewarded and created...each generation healthier than the one before it.
So even though she gets so hurt and pouty and angry and manipulative...I see it as actually honoring her when I do the hard things that I know will move our family toward healthier functionality. She just doesn't often see it that way herself...because she thinks she's already "arrived"...that she's fixed everything already and that she is the standard for health and functionality. She doesn't say that, but her actions clearly communicate that message, over and over and over.
