Need advice. GF with Asperger's broke up with me.

[Jordy]

No, I did not misrepresent what you said. In fact, you and I appear to be in total agreement that the OP should leave the relationship if he is unhappy with the GF's decisions - HER personal decisions - about the relationship.

I do not read the original post to depict the GF as "selfish, petty and cruel". I read it to mean that this GF, newly divorced and being on the spectrum, explained to the OP that he was hovering, smothering and suffocating her with too much attention. The OP understood what she said even if you did not.

I think she is putting fault at the op for getting into a relationship she likely never fully wanted. Consider that when you only want to be friends with someone and have them cook for you, even normal amounts of romantic affection feels smothering and suffocating.

 

[sil80guy]

I understand where Jordy is coming from.
So I will try to explain a bit more to maybe shed some light.
Let me begin by saying, I don't want to think of her in a negative context, I think she was a very amazing a beautiful person both inside and out.

I personally don't consider that she had any malicious intent, I've had my fair share of toxic relationships. It was everything Mary Terry said, and what I figured it was. Things just got too real and she wasn't ready for it.
I honestly believe everything she said to me, I don't think she lost interest or fell out of love.

It was very hard for her to explain how she was feeling, often times she would say she just couldn't verbalize it, which always made me take a step back and think of everything she said and put the puzzle pieces together, which took some time, but more often than not, ended up in me being too late to figure things out. As you can see with this break up.

I understand that, yes that is a little selfish to string someone along just to cut ties abruptly because things got too real. But I also understand her situation, and understand that she thought she was ready, and that's ok that she actually wasn't and was masking and running from her issues rather than facing them.
It does suck that she didn't deal with them before bringing me into the picture, but that's just life I suppose.
It does sound selfish and it does sound inconsiderate, but I was happy to have been part of that stage in her life, and happy to have helped with what I could.
I'm hoping her journeys in self healing helps, and that maybe one day she will reach out.

And I'm only saying this last part out loud, because I am feeling hurt and used and upset. But today I want to message her more than ever to see how her journey is going, but I won't, even though it kills me inside.

 

[Mary Terry]

I think she is putting fault at the op for getting into a relationship she likely never fully wanted. Consider that when you only want to be friends with someone and have them cook for you, even normal amounts of romantic affection feels smothering and suffocating.

Perhaps she didn't want a relationship, perhaps she didn't understand her own feelings in that regard, perhaps she thought the relationship might ripen into something more significant than just dating. All we can do is to merely speculate about her feelings and to acknowledge what she actually said.

When she felt smothered, she spoke up. That is her right and it is the right thing for her to do. She is not obligated to have sex with the OP or do anything when he volunteers to cook or takes her out on a date except to be grateful and appreciative when he chooses to do it.

The last sentence of your above comment makes no sense. What is "normal amounts of romantic affection"? You need to define that. I cook for friends all the time. I expect nothing in return except a thank-you. I do it because they are my friends, I enjoy spending time with them, and I like to cook.

 

[Jordy]

Perhaps she didn't want a relationship, perhaps she didn't understand her own feelings in that regard.

That would have been her fault. She should have told op that she didn't want to have a relationship with anymore. Not blame his actions for her disinterest. You can clearly tell from the story that she framed her disinterest as being caused by op's inappropriate amount of affection. If she just doesn't like him that's dishonest and borderline gaslighting.

At any rate, when she felt smothered, she spoke up. That is her right and it is the right thing for her to do. She is not obligated to have sex with the OP or do anything when he volunteers to cook except be grateful and appreciative when he chooses to do it.

You are really missing the point. Her right to breaking up isn't being contested. A right to brake up isn't a right to mislead and string someone along while not having to take responsibility for your actions.

The last sentence of your above comment makes no sense. What is "normal amounts of romantic affection"? You need to define that. I cook for friends all the time. I expect nothing in return except a thank-you. I do it because they are my friends, I enjoy spending time with them, and I like to cook.

They weren't friends.

 

[sil80guy]

Perhaps she didn't want a relationship, perhaps she didn't understand her own feelings in that regard, perhaps she thought the relationship might ripen into something more significant than just dating. All we can do is to merely speculate about her feelings and to acknowledge what she actually said.

When she felt smothered, she spoke up. That is her right and it is the right thing for her to do. She is not obligated to have sex with the OP or do anything when he volunteers to cook or takes her out on a date except to be grateful and appreciative when he chooses to do it.

The last sentence of your above comment makes no sense. What is "normal amounts of romantic affection"? You need to define that. I cook for friends all the time. I expect nothing in return except a thank-you. I do it because they are my friends, I enjoy spending time with them, and I like to cook.

I agree with this sentiment about feeling obligated to do anything.
Everything I did for her was out of care and love. I loved and enjoyed seeing her smile.
I always told her she wasn't obligated to feel indebted or that she had to pay me back in any way.
In that regards, I may have done too much, that put too much pressure on her, and she may have forced herself to reciprocate. I don't want to delve into that though, cause we won't know without asking her, and she may not even know herself.

I've always wanted and told her that she is her own person, and if she wants to do anything for me she should out of her own free will not because she felt obligated to do so.
And she did, she did a lot of stuff for me that made me feel loved.

And this is the 2nd time sex was brought up, I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for companionship. Sex is something that happens naturally with mutual feelings.

I just don't want to lose a friend.

 

[Mary Terry]

Perhaps she didn't want a relationship, perhaps she didn't understand her own feelings in that regard, perhaps she thought the relationship might ripen into something more significant than just dating. All we can do is to merely speculate about her feelings.

At any rate, when she felt smothered, she spoke up. That is her right and it is the right thing for her to do. She is not obligated to have sex with the OP or do anything when he volunteers to cook except be grateful and appreciative when he chooses to do it.

The last sentence of your above comment makes no sense. What is "normal amounts of romantic affection"? You need to define that. I cook for friends all the time. I expect nothing in return except a thank-you. I do it because they are my friends, I enjoy spending time with them, and I like to cook.

That would have been her fault. She should have told op that she didn't want to have a relationship with anymore. Not blame his actions for her disinterest. You can clearly tell from the story that she framed her disinterest as being caused by op's inappropriate amount of affection. If she just doesn't like him that's dishonest and borderline gaslighting.


You are really missing the point. Her right to breaking up isn't being contested. A right to brake up isn't a right to mislead and string someone along while not having to take responsibility for your actions.


They weren't friends.

Jordy, I surmise that you have not experienced a romantic relationship. People who are in successful romantic relationships most certainly are friends first and lovers second.

 

[Mary Terry]

I agree with this sentiment about feeling obligated to do anything.
Everything I did for her was out of care and love. I loved and enjoyed seeing her smile.
I always told her she wasn't obligated to feel indebted or that she had to pay me back in any way.
In that regards, I may have done too much, that put too much pressure on her, and she may have forced herself to reciprocate. I don't want to delve into that though, cause we won't know without asking her, and she may not even know herself.

I've always wanted and told her that she is her own person, and if she wants to do anything for me she should out of her own free will not because she felt obligated to do so.
And she did, she did a lot of stuff for me that made me feel loved.

And this is the 2nd time sex was brought up, I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for companionship. Sex is something that happens naturally with mutual feelings.

I just don't want to lose a friend.

You sound like a wonderful person. Someone will fall in love with you someday. It may or may not be her. Women love to find someone like you.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I agree with this sentiment about feeling obligated to do anything.
Everything I did for her was out of care and love. I loved and enjoyed seeing her smile.
I always told her she wasn't obligated to feel indebted or that she had to pay me back in any way.
In that regards, I may have done too much, that put too much pressure on her, and she may have forced herself to reciprocate. I don't want to delve into that though, cause we won't know without asking her, and she may not even know herself.

I think we are somewhat similar in this regard. However, I have one piece of advice which has really helped me when it comes to interacting with others in a positive way. Sometimes it's important to let others help you, and just be appreciative of it (even when you don't feel like it's needed), and on the flipside, it can also be useful to not help people even when you can, and let them figure things out themselves. Even if you aren't expecting anything back, that doesn't mean it won't make the other people feel guilty of "taking advantage of you" (yes, even when you offer to do something and don't mind).

It's a very difficult balance to find, which also depends on the person in question. I share the same helping impulse, but it's an important lesson, and one which many people learn the hard way. Sometimes thinking of yourself first also helps the people around you.

 

[sil80guy]

I think we are somewhat similar in this regard. However, I have one piece of advice which has really helped me when it comes to interacting with others in a positive way. Sometimes it's important to let others help you, and just be appreciative of it (even when you don't feel like it's needed), and on the flipside, it can also be useful to not help people even when you can, and let them figure things out themselves. Even if you aren't expecting anything back, that doesn't mean it won't make the other people feel guilty of "taking advantage of you" (yes, even when you offer to do something and don't mind).

It's a very difficult balance to find, which also depends on the person in question. I share the same helping impulse, but it's an important lesson, and one which many people learn the hard way. Sometimes thinking of yourself first also helps the people around you.

Thank you.
Yes I've been told by my close friends that I am very selfless.
I do understand that that is not healthy, and I have been takin advantage of plenty of times.
It is indeed very difficult to find a balance, and it is something I try to bring to the forefront when I do things for others. But it is very very hard to stop when it gets going.

 

[Jordy]

Yes, she does get to decide whether to have a relationship with the OP, and she gets to decide what kind of relationship it will be.

Did you mean to state that the girlfriend gets to decide everything about the relationship while he puts up with it or leaves, because she is a woman and hes a man? Just asking for clarification.

 

[Mary Terry]

No, @Jordy. I mean that a woman has free will and autonomy to decide whether or not she wants to be in a relationship and what the nature of that relationship will be. Men cannot force women into relationships if the women reject it. Women can reject men who try to force them into abusive relationships or a relationship that is repugnant to them. It is a woman's right to do so.

The same principle applies to men. Men have free will and autonomy to decide whether or not they want to be in a relationship and what the nature of that relationship will be. Women cannot force men into relationships if the men reject it. Men can reject women who try to force them into abusive relationships or a relationship that is repugnant to them. It is a man's right to do so.

When a couple mutually decides to pursue a relationship with each other, BOTH of them cooperate and compromise to decide factors involved in the relationship.

 

[sil80guy]

I'm not sure if this thread will be useful for anyone in the present or in the future, so I'll keep it updated as time goes on. My hope is there is a conclusion, and hopefully it will be a good read for any NT's that may stumble upon this thread.

We ended up having a brief conversation today. Very brief, just a few sentences each about a recent movie and her dogs. Nothing to do with our past relationship. I made my tone more of a friend.
I did ask how she was doing, and that may have been a mistake.
However I think it went well because I know more about the current situation thanks to everyone here.

She didn't mask, and I think that's amazing.
She felt distant and robotic, which is fine by me.
It showed me she is going through a really really tough burnout phase.

I'm unsure what my plans are going forward, but I'm glad we had a brief conversation.

 

[sil80guy]

I unfortunately reached out last Thursday.
It did go well though, I think what helped was being direct.
I told her that I missed her and the dogs a lot, and if she had energy for it, maybe we could meet up that weekend.
The answer was what everyone would have guessed.

She said she's not ready for us to spend the weekend together.
However she gave me details on what she was doing for the next few weekends, which was surprising to me, in a good way. I think everything she's doing on those weekends is so amazing, and I'm so happy for her. IE seeing family, seeing friends she keeps talking about seeing again.
She also said she thinks that a weekend further into June would be best. I think that's a good sign as well.

Maybe I'm being too hopeful, and maybe I'm thinking like an NT, but I take the whole conversation as that she is working towards doing her own things and getting out of this huge burnout. I think her letting me know her plans is very good sign and shows she does care. Giving me a time that we could potentially have a weekend together is good as well.

I feel like that was a big enough step to warrant a post.

 

[premiumsockets]

Sil you sound like a great guy and I'm glad you're still on good terms with her. I'd recommend patience and space, and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. It's never the end, and you will find someone even if it's not her

Now I'm gonna talk to Jordy.

A right to brake up isn't a right to mislead and string someone along while not having to take responsibility for your actions.

I'm getting the vibe that you think that just because she wanted time alone, felt suffocated by the volume of affection, and eventually decided that she wasn't ready for the relationship, means that she was acting with malicious intent and stringing Sil along the entire time. Which is a huge leap to take considering how that is clearly not Sil's perspective on this at all, and to be sure of your theory you'd have to take a peek inside her brain.

That would have been her fault. She should have told op that she didn't want to have a relationship with anymore. Not blame his actions for her disinterest. You can clearly tell from the story that she framed her disinterest as being caused by op's inappropriate amount of affection.

I'm not sure why you're so intent on painting her in a negative light, but I love how you say that she should have just broken up with Sil (she did). She, as I understand it, ended the relationship *technically* because of Sil's actions, yes. But while that is technically true, sometimes people just make mistakes and decisions that end up hurting people. And a lot of times, there's no ill-intent involved. Just because someone hurt someone else doesn't mean that they are evil. And you write like you *hate* her.

If she just doesn't like him that's dishonest and borderline gaslighting.

She clearly does like him! She spent several great months together with him. Just because she got burned out on the level of affection she was receiving, doesn't make her some villain or abuser. EVEN IF she didn't like him the whole time, sometimes people get into things they're not ready for (and that's nothing bad!! we're all learning and growing bay bee). Sometimes people try to convince themselves that the situation they're in is fine and nothing's wrong until something snaps and the whole house of cards comes down. If she was gaslighting at all (preeeeetty sure she wasn't) she was gaslighting herself.

 

[Aspychata]

So many great thoughts, so many ideas because relationships are living breathing situations. We sometimes don't know what are feeling until we step anyway and reflect on what we need and want. She never had a chance to really process her divorce and just went into another relationship, like a rebound one.

If she didn't honestly know what she was feeling then she wasn't leading you on. I was very overwhelmed in a relationship, and l once just got up and walked out. They just had a very intense connection and we shared great deal of closeness but they didn't want anything more and l just protected myself by stepping back emotionally. Good luck on reconnecting with her.

 

[sil80guy]

It saddens me to write this, but it is over for the foreseeable future.
We talked and caught up a bit. Talked about us, and the real reasoning behind the break up was that since she moved, she finally tasted freedom like she never had before.
Throughout her life from childhood to right before she met me, she was always doing what others wanted her to do, and she never had the chance to do things that she wanted to do. Never had a chance to be selfish.

She acknowledge that I did let her do things she wanted to do, which was the first time any ones really given her that opportunity.
However she still sees me as a blocker in her path to living free and living doing only what she wants. She wants to be very selfish and can't be selfish because I was too caring.

I'm going to stay optimistic, but this is something that might last indefinitely for her.
If anything changes I'll make another post. But for now, I believe this is the end for a very very long time.

 

[premiumsockets]

It's hard to feel free and to do what you want when you feel like there's something holding you back, and it's equally hard to give love to someone who feels stifled by it. I feel for both of you, but am nonetheless glad for your experience. "Happiness cannot exist without sadness," yadda yadda. Proud of you both, at least as much as a stranger can be proud of another stranger. Just keep truckin'.

 

[MalvaTron]

However she still sees me as a blocker in her path to living free and living doing only what she wants. She wants to be very selfish and can't be selfish because I was too caring.

This might sound hurtful but it actually isn't, if you give it more thought. Whether she's an aspie or not, some people are drawn to more "selfish" individuals. And the funny thing about that is that you don't need to be inconsiderate to be selfish... think about it. You see yourself as someone caring, first and foremost; how many times you've refrained from doing anything else you'd like because you felt almost compelled to be "good" to her? Maybe you were too available for her and at some point she became overwhelmed. It doesn't mean you did anything objectively wrong... there are some people that are more into that attitude than others.

If I were you, I'd try and move on.