Need advice

[Jdeisher]

So I posted a few things earlier in the day about obsessing about autism and my wife getting angry or irritated over the obsession. We had just laid in bed and I had posted a status on Facebook about life throwing curveballs, and that you just have to keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again. And I put my feeling as “relieved” since I do believe I have found the cause of my struggles throughout my life.

Well my wife disagrees with me, says that a lot of the things my mother told me I did were what any child would do; lining up specific toys(army men, cars) into a perfect line, not one out of place, and that I would get VERY angry if anyone tried to move them. I would not allow them to be put away.

Or the fact that I lacked empathy to an extreme extent. Or that when I got agitated I banged my head on the ground. Or that I spun in circles or slapped my thighs constantly(stimming). Also hating toothpaste in or around my mouth, and hating baths and showers and crying when soap was used on me. The fact that I could not go outside without shoes on because the feeling of the grass bothered me, and I hated being dirty at all. I hated sandboxes.

The fact that everytime I got yelled at, I had no idea what I did wrong or why they raised their voice at me. The fact that to this day I HATE the way seams and tags feel and have to wear all of my shirts inside out. The fact that I HAVE to eat every meal a certain way and each thing can’t mix with the other ones(vegetables stay on 1/3 of plate, side like rice or potatoes on 1/3 and my meat on 1/3). The fact that I don’t know how to express my feelings to ANYONE and completely shut down when I’m confronted.

The fact that I don’t understand sarcasm or other things that are meant to mean something else. For example the song “cake by the ocean”, I said to my wife, “why would anyone eat cake by the ocean, there’s sand everywhere and it’ll melt!” She explained to me that cake means sex. I had no idea!! The fact that I take everything LITERALLY. The fact that I don’t like to cuddle, I’ve never liked it, I only do it for my wife because she likes it. She always asks why I hate kissing. Idk I just don’t like it!

The fact that I have a routine for every single thing I do, including getting in and out of my car, or taking the trash out, or even using the bathroom! And when my routine is changed or denied, I get very very angry, and throw something or try to hurt myself by punching something or kicking something. At work it happens to me on a daily basis! Or the fact that I don’t like to smile so I ALWAYS look miserable or zombieish. Or the fact that I need to rub my feet together at night to fall asleep. Or that I bite my nails down until my fingers sting as a calming thing. The fact that I ALWAYS shake my left leg when I’m sitting with anyone or even just my wife because it soothes me.

She swears I am exaggerating and thinks I have anxiety, depression, ocd, ADHD, social anxiety disorder, and other things. Antidepressants NEVER worked for me, I’ve never been able to socialize or talk to people about things I’m NOT interested in. I have maybe 2 guy friends that I BARELY talk to, and they are my friends because my wife is good friends with their wives.

My wife also thinks I just want this diagnosis so I can use it to not do things! Or blame it on autism!! When all I want is relief! I want to know that I had no control over why I was this way my entire life. Why I struggled in school and relationships. And why I have such a hard time showing my love and affection for my wife.

She’s known me 12 years and said I didn’t always act like this. Well it’s because I had to pretend the best I could so that I could stay in a relationship. Am I out of line? Am I to blame? I try so hard to be normal, caring, affectionate....I’m not good at always wanting to be close and cuddly, or showing when I’m happy, or even trying to initiate intimacy. Any time touching or intimacy does occur I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack the entire time.

I have ADHD too and my wife hates that they have me on adderall. But that’s the only thing that makes me focus, yet I still get yelled at for focusing on the wrong things, and that I need to focus on the most important things FIRST.

Ugh I’m sorry, my rant is over for this evening.

 

[Ambi]

I am so sorry that your wife isn't understanding and/or is questioning you - you know your experience better than anyone else. This is why I don't tell people - they will question, and I do not want to have to justify myself - and when they already have it set in their heads not to believe me (not saying your wife is like that, but many people are). I truly do you come to find this forum useful and friendly. I find that this place has brought me so much healing and support and transformation. The validation of seeing so many others reflecting my same experiences is very helpful. Rant away!

 

[Judge]

It's rough when you have someone so close within your orbit who more or less rejects your being on the spectrum of autism. In my own case it has strained my relationship with my one relative who lives nearby.

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a thing. About the only thing that has helped has been to avoid any discussion whatsoever with my cousin regarding autism. Though in your case with a spouse that's probably not practical.

 

[Keigan]

We live this every day, it is very real for us.

Some, who think they know us, can’t accept that the person that they believe in might actually be different, Be aspie. It takes those individuals time to understand and accept, some times they don’t.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

If you're from the USA or a writer you will know - show don't tell.

Here's what I did :
1. Stop talking about Asperger- the resistance is difficult. People who know you want to think about you the same i.e. The image they've created that they consider 'you'
2. Any difficulties you have learn to rephrase them. Yesterday I was shouting at my wife - apparently- she took it very personally. Sometimes I raise my voice when I'm frustrated or excited it doesn't mean I want to hurt anybody. She interprets it differently. So I was able to explain I had no bad intent, the reason I raised my voice so that the next time she would know and perhaps be able to help me.
3. Rephrasing things using the words that you may be able to help me. Asking for help has sort of worked.
4. You can share anything here. Just don't mention it.

After months, 6 maybe more, we can now have the odd conversation about Aspergers.
You have to be the explorer of new territory first. There's a good chance you'll get happier, more relaxed and she'll notice that.

So talking of Aspergers halts progress at the start but learn how to be the new you and be confident in that.

My 2 cents

 

[Sabrina]

First of all, you seem pretty aspie, welcome to the club.

Second, I recommend you to invest some time and money looking for a therapist that you feel comfortable with (I’ve been with one for two years now). Sometimes I just need to be told that ‘cake by the ocean’ means ‘sex by the ocean’ (I didn’t know either, thank you) without anybody else being present, for example. There are so many things that are ‘obvious’ but that for me are not, that having a guide translating these everyday details and situations, has helped me a lot.

Third, obsess about Asperger’s all you want (or whatever is your special interest at the moment) but make an effort to calm down about everything else. Repeating a phrase over and over works for me (for example, ‘I honor my life by living slowly’... I made that one up years ago). Most probably, your ‘slow’ is just normal for everybody else, so don’t worry.

Picturing an image or scene works too. One of my favorites is from the movie The Incredibles. I’m Dash (the kid that runs super fast) and when he’s competing at the end of the movie, the parents cheer him from the bleachers to slow down. I imagine these parents cheering me to slow down, and being so proud of me because I did.

It’s ok to feel relieved. I felt that way too. Now you know ‘there are others’.

 

[xudo]

For example the song “cake by the ocean”, I said to my wife, “why would anyone eat cake by the ocean, there’s sand everywhere and it’ll melt!” She explained to me that cake means sex.

I'm sorry, but can we all just take a minute to think about this?? Why would anyone refer to sex as 'cake'??

I also agree that eating cake by the ocean sounds like a terrible idea. I've been to picnics as a kid at the beach, and sand in food is not pleasant.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm sorry, but can we all just take a minute to think about this?? Why would anyone refer to sex as 'cake'??

I also agree that eating cake by the ocean sounds like a terrible idea. I've been to picnics as a kid at the beach, and sand in food is not pleasant.

Yep, that's what stuck out to me throughout that post... I would never have understood it was about sex either, and food on the beach is ridiculous - when we were kids and we'd go the the beach we always ended up with sandy chips, yuk.

 

[ksheehan88]

So I posted a few things earlier in the day about obsessing about autism and my wife getting angry or irritated over the obsession. We had just laid in bed and I had posted a status on Facebook about life throwing curveballs, and that you just have to keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again. And I put my feeling as “relieved” since I do believe I have found the cause of my struggles throughout my life. Well my wife disagrees with me, says that a lot of the things my mother told me I did were what any child would do; lining up specific toys(army men, cars) into a perfect line, not one out of place, and that I would get VERY angry if anyone tried to move them. I would not allow them to be put away. Or the fact that I lacked empathy to an extreme extent. Or that when I got agitated I banged my head on the ground. Or that I spun in circles or slapped my thighs constantly(stimming). Also hating toothpaste in or around my mouth, and hating baths and showers and crying when soap was used on me. The fact that I could not go outside without shoes on because the feeling of the grass bothered me, and I hated being dirty at all. I hated sandboxes. The fact that everytime I got yelled at, I had no idea what I did wrong or why they raised their voice at me. The fact that to this day I HATE the way seams and tags feel and have to wear all of my shirts inside out. The fact that I HAVE to eat every meal a certain way and each thing can’t mix with the other ones(vegetables stay on 1/3 of plate, side like rice or potatoes on 1/3 and my meat on 1/3). The fact that I don’t know how to express my feelings to ANYONE and completely shut down when I’m confronted. The fact that I don’t understand sarcasm or other things that are meant to mean something else. For example the song “cake by the ocean”, I said to my wife, “why would anyone eat cake by the ocean, there’s sand everywhere and it’ll melt!” She explained to me that cake means sex. I had no idea!! The fact that I take everything LITERALLY. The fact that I don’t like to cuddle, I’ve never liked it, I only do it for my wife because she likes it. She always asks why I hate kissing. Idk I just don’t like it! The fact that I have a routine for every single thing I do, including getting in and out of my car, or taking the trash out, or even using the bathroom! And when my routine is changed or denied, I get very very angry, and throw something or try to hurt myself by punching something or kicking something. At work it happens to me on a daily basis! Or the fact that i don’t like to smile so I ALWAYS look miserable or zombieish. Or the fact that I need to rub my feet together at night to fall asleep. Or that I bite my nails down until my fingers sting as a calming thing. The fact that I ALWAYS shake my left leg when I’m sitting with anyone or even just my wife because it soothes me. She swears I am exaggerating and thinks I have anxiety, depression, ocd, ADHD, social anxiety disorder, and other things. Antidepressants NEVER worked for me, I’ve never been able to socialize or talk to people about things I’m NOT interested in. I have maybe 2 guy friends that I BARELY talk to, and they are my friends because my wife is good friends with their wives. My wife also thinks I just want this diagnosis so I can use it to not do things! Or blame it on autism!! When all I want is relief! I want to know that I had no control over why I was this way my entire life. Why I struggled in school and relationships. And why I have such a hard time showing my love and affection for my wife. She’s known me 12 years and said i didn’t always act like this. Well it’s because I had to pretend the best I could so that I could stay in a relationship. Am I out of line. Am I to blame. I try so hard to be normal, caring, affectionate....I’m not good at always wanting to be close and cuddly, or showing when I’m happy, or even trying to initiate intimacy. Any time touching or intimacy does occur I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack the entire time. I have ADHD too and my wife hates that they have me on adderall. But that’s the only thing that makes me focus, yet I still get yelled at for focusing on the wrong things, and that I need to focus on the most important things FIRST. Ugh I’m sorry, my rant is over for this evening.

Your wife sounds rather unsupportive and a bit of a B to be honest.

Yes, we need to compromise sometimes, I get that, I try to aswell and it is hard. But she needs to understand that you cannot change yourself, this is who you are, who you have always been, and as hard as you try to compromise, she has to try equally as hard to accommodate the things you can't control.

 

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry, but can we all just take a minute to think about this?? Why would anyone refer to sex as 'cake'??

I also agree that eating cake by the ocean sounds like a terrible idea. I've been to picnics as a kid at the beach, and sand in food is not pleasant.

And why wasn’t the frosting melting? I felt like looking at the sky, to see when the millions of flies would arrive... or would they be giant flies?

 

[Jdeisher]

Thank you all for the support, I really do try not to show I’m obsessed with things but it is very difficult, especially when it’s all you want to talk about, or read about, or try to figure out. My wife will always ask me why am I on my phone so much or on my computer looking at what ever it is I’m interested in at that moment. It’s hard to express to her a lot of things, I have chores around the house. And I get yelled at a lot because no matter how hard I try, I cannot make them a priority to me. And I get yelled at for it.

I do think I've coped and learned to hide or pretend to look and act normal pretty well for over 20 years. But it becomes exhausting. Remembering to kiss your wife everyday and say I love you is nerve racking, I do love her but I don’t know how to show it other then telling her. And with the song things, if they use other sayings or words to describe something else, I never understand them, not 1 single time. For 12 years my wife had to explain all of those to me. The same with sarcasm. I literally cannot understand it so I assume that is what you want me to do.

And my wife will tell me to run to the store and get something for dinner, I ask her what and she will say like get pasta or something. Telling and expecting me to be creative. But when I get home I literally got pasta. Because that’s what she told me exactly.

 

[ksheehan88]

Thank you all for the support, I really do try not to show I’m obsessed with things but it is very difficult, especially when it’s all you want to talk about, or read about, or try to figure out. My wife will always ask me why am I on my phone so much or on my computer looking at what ever it is I’m interested in at that moment. It’s hard to express to her a lot of things, I have chores around the house. And I get yelled at a lot because no matter how hard I try, I cannot make them a priority to me. And I get yelled at for it.

I do think Ive coped and learned to hide or pretend to look and act normal pretty well for over 20 years. But it becomes exhausting. Remembering to kiss your wife everyday and say I love you is nerve racking, I do love her but I don’t know how to show it other then telling her. And with the song things, if they use other sayings or words to describe something else, I never understand them, not 1 single time. For 12 years my wife had to explain all of those to me. The same with sarcasm. I literally cannot understand it so I assume that is what you want me to do.

And my wife will tell me to run to the store and get something for dinner, I ask her what and she will say like get pasta or something. Telling and expecting me to be creative. But when I get home I literally got pasta. Because that’s what she told me exactly.

She should know you well enough to know you aren't going to come back with something creative when she told you to get pasta.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

How long ago was the pasta example?

What will you do the next time?

 

[Jdeisher]

How long ago was the pasta example?

What will you do the next time?

What ever she tells me I do exactly that, get this many lemons, she has to be specific because I’ll stand there looking at the things not knowing which one I have to get... I will literally be lost, confused.

 

[Jdeisher]

Your wife sounds rather unsupportive and a bit of a B to be honest.

Yes, we need to compromise sometimes, I get that, I try to aswell and it is hard. But she needs to understand that you cannot change yourself, this is who you are, who you have always been, and as hard as you try to compromise, she has to try equally as hard to accommodate the things you can't control.

My wife can sometimes be like that, but I think it’s because she thinks I just don’t listen to her, or that I don’t make her my priority, I try so hard to make her my priority, but it’s difficult, especially when I don’t even know what’s going on in my head, why I think the way I do or act the way I do

 

[ksheehan88]

My wife can sometimes be like that, but I think it’s because she thinks I just don’t listen to her, or that I don’t make her my priority, I try so hard to make her my priority, but it’s difficult, especially when I don’t even know what’s going on in my head, why I think the way I do or act the way I do

This is my point though - after 12 years together, I would have to assume she knows you well enough to know when you're just not listening?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

What ever she tells me I do exactly that, get this many lemons, she has to be specific because I’ll stand there looking at the things not knowing which one I have to get... I will literally be lost, confused.

Can't you initiate a process on your own?

If she wants creativity i.e.

She wants a meal. We have eaten before. What did we eat?

I can take things literally but I also take into account numerous previous occasions so my guessing is better.

I will often say 'is this a trick?
When it seems like a hidden expectation is there (with humor)

So.. she says get pasta be creative.. what can you do?
The 2nd time, so would you guess the expectation of a meal?

 

[ksheehan88]

I think, you should ask her to research Asperger Syndrome. Get her to read some of the posts here, read websites explaining it and such. Perhaps she just needs to educate herself on the condition so she can make some comparisons and understand you better.

 

[Jdeisher]

I have a huge issue with change. If I’m used to pasta, I know I like pasta. I’m going to get pasta. Everytime we go out to eat, I literally get the SAME thing. If it’s a place I’ve never been to then I get the thing I like the most ie.=wings....and everytime after that first visit that is the only thing I’ll get! I never understood why either until this week

 

[Jdeisher]

I think, you should ask her to research Asperger Syndrome. Get her to read some of the posts here, read websites explaining it and such. Perhaps she just needs to educate herself on the condition so she can make some comparisons and understand you better.

She even took one of the aq tests on line as me, a score of 34 or higher was considered asd, she scored a 34 and didn’t know some of the questions of what I would have picked, I scored a 47 myself