Need advice

[Ambi]

So, this is a thing lots of people say then? I still can't equate cake to sex haha.

I don't know if it's lots of people - but there was one person who explained to me that "cake" was slang for sex. Not sure if that was just for a brief time among a certain segment of the population? My husband had never heard of it.

 

[Ambi]

@Jdeisher on either this thread or another you had mentioned wondering if you were obsessing too much about the Asperger's thing. Well, in the opinion of others, they may think we are obsessing - but I can honestly say, anything I "obsessed" over was just an intense and deep learning process - I thoroughly learned all details about whatever it was I was interested in. I think of it as a good thing. It only gets bad in ways it detrimentally affects other aspects of life - but I love and benefit from knowing the ins and outs of the things I find interesting, or that will help me. In that sense, I've been "obsessed" with learning about ASD, but it is the best thing I can possibly do to improve my life! It makes my life more manageable, and it makes me more manageable for others to live with and be around. So it's all good! It think it's great that you are focused on learning more about ASD.

 

[Jdeisher]

pertaining to my newest status update, but my stomach was upset for some reason, but I didn't tell my wife that right away and we were taking our son to a birthday party. its my wifes coworkers daughters party, and my wife said I didn't have to go with. so then I said ok my stomach feels weird anyway. then she got upset because I wasn't going...she said I didn't have to. and I ALWAYS go everywhere with them. as she was leaving the house she was making small comments to our son like, daddys not coming because hes stressed about his family, and that she knows how I get when I'm stressed about them, and i told her i wasn't stressed about my family at all, but she didn't believe me, so i went to kiss her goodbye and she said well don't kiss me if your not feeling good. like I'm confused, did i do something wrong? she said i didn't have to go...my wife isn't a mean person at all, but since i brought up the Asperger's thing, she has been so defensive and has been constantly telling me that its not that and its only because i obsessed over it like i do with everything that interests me....

 

[Ambi]

pertaining to my newest status update, but my stomach was upset for some reason, but I didn't tell my wife that right away and we were taking our son to a birthday party. its my wifes coworkers daughters party, and my wife said I didn't have to go with. so then I said ok my stomach feels weird anyway. then she got upset because I wasn't going...she said I didn't have to. and I ALWAYS go everywhere with them. as she was leaving the house she was making small comments to our son like, daddys not coming because hes stressed about his family, and that she knows how I get when I'm stressed about them, and i told her i wasn't stressed about my family at all, but she didn't believe me, so i went to kiss her goodbye and she said well don't kiss me if your not feeling good. like I'm confused, did i do something wrong? she said i didn't have to go...my wife isn't a mean person at all, but since i brought up the Asperger's thing, she has been so defensive and has been constantly telling me that its not that and its only because i obsessed over it like i do with everything that interests me....

That is very passive aggressive of her. Listen, maybe she is extra defensive because she subconsciously is reacting against the possibility that she might be on the spectrum herself. But on a more mundane note, people just hate change - she might be afraid of what all of this might mean, and taking it out on you instead of supporting you. I'm just sorry you're going through this. I am very lucky to have a supportive spouse.

 

[Jdeisher]

That is very passive aggressive of her. Listen, maybe she is extra defensive because she subconsciously is reacting against the possibility that she might be on the spectrum herself. But on a more mundane note, people just hate change - she might be afraid of what all of this might mean, and taking it out on you instead of supporting you. I'm just sorry you're going through this. I am very lucky to have a supportive spouse.

I think part of it is she is afraid I’m going to use it to get out of things, and be able to blame everything I do on this. I don’t know what makes her think that, but that’s how I see it. I have coped with so many things, I suck at Time management and doing things right when I’m told but I still get them done. I always do our dishes, take out the trash, do all of our laundry, mow the grass.... I try, I’m not going to regress from knowing the truth. It’ll make me better not worse! I don’t think she thinks that way

 

[tree]

I never heard any one say 'cake' and mean 'sex.'
Or write the word 'cake' with the implication being 'sex.'
So, yeah.....I looked it up.

cake - Dictionary of sexual terms
What does cake mean? cake Definition. Meaning of cake. OnlineSlangDictionary.com
http://www.hipwiki.com/Cake+(Slang+Meaning)
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?page=2&term=Cake

Commonalities among the slang definitions are:
a. cake/sex is 'sweet'/enjoyable
b. cake = buttocks
c. also, cake may mean female genitalia

OK then.

 

[Swimczar]

I have a huge issue with change. If I’m used to pasta, I know I like pasta. I’m going to get pasta. Everytime we go out to eat, I literally get the SAME thing. If it’s a place I’ve never been to then I get the thing I like the most ie.=wings....and everytime after that first visit that is the only thing I’ll get! I never understood why either until this week

When I find myself lost, I have had success asking for directions. Perhaps on next errand to get dinner try asking people in store for ideas.
Then on way home, try and think of a few more things to be grateful for. It helps me to re-focus my thoughts.

 

[Bella Pines]

I have a good paying job that I absolutely hate

Yeah snap, I hate it and I hate having to smile. I hate the beep of the turnstiles and the welcome message on the audio conferencing system and most of all, I hate the motivational posters in the elevator. I really really hate the motivational posters. But most of all I hate the fact that everyone else seems to really enjoy being treated like a chicken on a battery farm.

I hate the fact I get nagged for everything and that the word 'mummy' gets massively overused. I hate that I'm just getting into one of my special interests and someone will interrupt me, I always want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE.

But then equally, if I quit and choose not to participate I know would turn in to my mother. I'd give up going to the gym (which I REALLY hate), gain weight and become a bitter, mad old cat lady. I would hate that too

But then on the flip side, I absolutely adore the pests that are my children, who make me want to be a better person, and my pet hates and struggles inspire me. One day I'd like to become an author and without all these delightfully colourful villains in my life (myself included), how would I write? So I just keep swinging, just keep swinging.

 

[Katleya]

So I read post after post thinking that maybe discussing this with your wife and a therapist who could provide some mediation might help, until I read your post that your therapist isn't exactly helpful or knowledgeable enough on autism. There goes that suggestion...

I think you will indeed be going through several states now that you've self-diagnosed. I can't tell if it's best to let those stages run their course before you start the assessments for an official diagnosis, but I found the assessment extremely stressful and challenging, and it really helps to have a bit of emotional stability when you enter this stage. I'm confident you'll find answers to a lot of your questions, find questions you hadn't ever considered, and much more, including support and a sense of understanding. That should help you settle down with your newfound identity. Maybe your wife has trouble understanding that this is a label, or actually an answer key, but it will not change who you are, because your brain has always been like that. It's not a mental disease that might appear one day out of the blue and change everything. It is not new. The way I see it, it could be somewhat akin to a kid who knows he was adopted (the same way you probably always sensed that you were very different from other people), and one day they find the name of their biological parents (the way you found why you were the way you were). Is it going to change what that person has been so far? No. Would it be something that can be used as an excuse to do/skip things? Why the heck would it? Maybe it's me being confrontational, but when somebody tells me I might use autism as an excuse, I can't help but ask them why? Would they, if they were in my shoes? And what in my behavior makes them think that I would do that? They usually can't come up with a proper answer. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and again, and again, explanations are not excuses; but for a lot of people, they are the same. Probably because those people work that way (in which case, too bad for them, but most Aspies actually can hold their own without needing excuses... although we have a tendency to be misunderstood).
I would wait till all of this settles down a bit for you before discussing it with your wife. I totally get your enthusiasm, you found the last pieces of a puzzle and you want to show the full picture. You just need to wait for her to be ready to see that picture.

Another thought, when I told my boyfriend after more than 10 years together about Asperger's, he probably didn't connect ghe dots at all. When I told him about it again a few years later (by then, we'd moved in together), he was shocked -and I was surprised that he wouldn't remember big news like that. And he was extremely difficult for several months afterward, as if I had hidden some major flaw from him (I'm not damaged goods, and I didn't hide squat, I just didn't always know what to call it), I would say almost like I had betrayed him somehow. Sometimes, I would have trouble doing something, without any relation to AS, and he'd go "Don't say it's because of AS, you can't hide", which I felt was uncalled for because I hadn't even linked the failure of the day with AS, but apparently, that's not how everyone feels. Then he got into a brief stage where he had to assert his superiority in normalcy over me, which I guess made him feel better somehow, I just don't see how. And then I managed to have him listen to the good things about it, too. Got him to read a tiny bit about the traits and challenges (still not enough if you ask me, but I'm getting there). And now I'm working on getting him to take the online tests, because it turns out I'm most likely not the only neurodiverse person in this household of 2
Maybe you could check the 5 stages of grief. Sure, you're not mourning the death of an actual person, but figuring out who you are implies realizing who you are not/cannot be, and it is something you have to let go of. Your wife will probably be going through similar stages for different reasons, even if the reveal isn't as big for her as it was for you.

I totally had the same reaction. Though it did bring up a vague distant memory of someone explaining that "cake" was a reference to sex. I think that was back when I listened to the band "Cake" a lot. But I'm still in the dark as to whether "Cake" meant cake or sex.

So, this is a thing lots of people say then? I still can't equate cake to sex haha.

OK, now I'm stressing out over the next time somebody offers birthday cake. Is it going to be cake cake, or the other type of cake?
Although, cake by the ocean or sex by the ocean, honestly... either way, there's gonna be sand everywhere, so they're equally terrible ideas.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Asperger's, he probably didn't connect ghe dots at all. When I told him about it again a few years later (by then, we'd moved in together), he was shocked -and I was surprised that he wouldn't remember big news like that. And he was extremely difficult for several months afterward, as if I had hidden some major flaw from him (I'm not damaged goods, and I didn't hide squat, I just didn't always know what to call it), I would say almost like I had betrayed him somehow

See my later comment re porcelain. Sometimes i think,when everyday is a massive struggle, nobody believs you or supports you... its like training for a marathon. Towards the end you can run 20 miles and not feel it wheras, if you havent done the training (the world of aspergers training - in being rejected,ridiculed, all the rest of it -decades of quality training.

Your boyfriend, perhaps a delicate little flower - not in marathon shape.
Something like that!

Your wife will probably be going through similar stages for different reasons, even if the reveal isn't as big for her as it was for you.

I think the opposite of this. We always knew there was something, so the reveal may be bigger for them ie oblivious.

I think being osttacized and all the rest of it means we are stronger. Wheras....

They may be delicate pieces of porcelain that shatter at one sniff of difficult feelings.
Think the old sterotype of the weakly written woman characters in old style films - raising a handerkerchief and fainting all the time.

 

[Katleya]

Well, the reveal probably isn't life-changing for them, while it is for us. Now, the shock that comes with it... yeah, partners do get the biggest shock, I'll happily grant you that (even though some partners who are astute enough know from the start that there is something very unusual about us).

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Well, the reveal probably isn't life-changing for them, while it is for us. Now, the shock that comes with it... yeah, partners do get the biggest shock, I'll happily grant you that (even though some partners who are astute enough know from the start that there is something very unusual about us).

That clarifies things nicely.

But yeh - Didnt you like us when you moved in or married us?
You must've known we were different - youre not that stupid!

So why make a big deal now?

But i take the higher ground, thinking don't smash the porcelain...

Or to quote James Kirk 'welcome to my friend pain'
(Not sure if the quote fits but ive been waiting too long for a context, so im using it )

 

[Bella Pines]

as she was leaving the house she was making small comments to our son like, daddys not coming because hes stressed about his family, and that she knows how I get when I'm stressed about them, and i told her i wasn't stressed about my family at all, but she didn't believe me

In the UK we call that "passive agressive". If you look it up the dictionary there might be a picture of my husband. He has coined such phrases like "oh I suppose I'll do the washing again then" or "we're going out for dinner with my family, not that you'll want to join us" or and nonsensical comments like "who left their lipstick out?", a seemingly innocent question but considering I'm the only female in the house and my 9 year old son isn't a cross dresser (as far as I know), should be an obvious answer. He doesn't do it (solely) to wind me up, he is trying to communicate his dissatisfaction in the stupidest and most illogical way possible.

I wish I could remember what got us through it, it could have just been staying power, or being too tired to doing anything about it, but I think it was the little things, taking one issue at a time. Me constantly trying to explain sensory overload and how I just don't enjoy social events. But I use the phrase your "long suffering wife" because for all the times I tried to explain how my brain worked to him, I never really tried to understand him. How he needs people and reassurance and all the other nonsensical oddities that NTs suffer.

And I did once try to explain to him the concept of "passive agressive" and he sort of accepted it before pointing out that it's preferable to my reaction, which he described as "aggressive aggressive".

 

[Ambi]

So I read post after post thinking that maybe discussing this with your wife and a therapist who could provide some mediation might help, until I read your post that your therapist isn't exactly helpful or knowledgeable enough on autism. There goes that suggestion...

I think you will indeed be going through several states now that you've self-diagnosed. I can't tell if it's best to let those stages run their course before you start the assessments for an official diagnosis, but I found the assessment extremely stressful and challenging, and it really helps to have a bit of emotional stability when you enter this stage. I'm confident you'll find answers to a lot of your questions, find questions you hadn't ever considered, and much more, including support and a sense of understanding. That should help you settle down with your newfound identity. Maybe your wife has trouble understanding that this is a label, or actually an answer key, but it will not change who you are, because your brain has always been like that. It's not a mental disease that might appear one day out of the blue and change everything. It is not new. The way I see it, it could be somewhat akin to a kid who knows he was adopted (the same way you probably always sensed that you were very different from other people), and one day they find the name of their biological parents (the way you found why you were the way you were). Is it going to change what that person has been so far? No. Would it be something that can be used as an excuse to do/skip things? Why the heck would it? Maybe it's me being confrontational, but when somebody tells me I might use autism as an excuse, I can't help but ask them why? Would they, if they were in my shoes? And what in my behavior makes them think that I would do that? They usually can't come up with a proper answer. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and again, and again, explanations are not excuses; but for a lot of people, they are the same. Probably because those people work that way (in which case, too bad for them, but most Aspies actually can hold their own without needing excuses... although we have a tendency to be misunderstood).
I would wait till all of this settles down a bit for you before discussing it with your wife. I totally get your enthusiasm, you found the last pieces of a puzzle and you want to show the full picture. You just need to wait for her to be ready to see that picture.

Another thought, when I told my boyfriend after more than 10 years together about Asperger's, he probably didn't connect ghe dots at all. When I told him about it again a few years later (by then, we'd moved in together), he was shocked -and I was surprised that he wouldn't remember big news like that. And he was extremely difficult for several months afterward, as if I had hidden some major flaw from him (I'm not damaged goods, and I didn't hide squat, I just didn't always know what to call it), I would say almost like I had betrayed him somehow. Sometimes, I would have trouble doing something, without any relation to AS, and he'd go "Don't say it's because of AS, you can't hide", which I felt was uncalled for because I hadn't even linked the failure of the day with AS, but apparently, that's not how everyone feels. Then he got into a brief stage where he had to assert his superiority in normalcy over me, which I guess made him feel better somehow, I just don't see how. And then I managed to have him listen to the good things about it, too. Got him to read a tiny bit about the traits and challenges (still not enough if you ask me, but I'm getting there). And now I'm working on getting him to take the online tests, because it turns out I'm most likely not the only neurodiverse person in this household of 2
Maybe you could check the 5 stages of grief. Sure, you're not mourning the death of an actual person, but figuring out who you are implies realizing who you are not/cannot be, and it is something you have to let go of. Your wife will probably be going through similar stages for different reasons, even if the reveal isn't as big for her as it was for you.




OK, now I'm stressing out over the next time somebody offers birthday cake. Is it going to be cake cake, or the other type of cake?
Although, cake by the ocean or sex by the ocean, honestly... either way, there's gonna be sand everywhere, so they're equally terrible ideas.

I am so sorry for everyone whose significant others reacted this way

 

[isthisreallife]

So I posted a few things earlier in the day about obsessing about autism and my wife getting angry or irritated over the obsession. We had just laid in bed and I had posted a status on Facebook about life throwing curveballs, and that you just have to keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again. And I put my feeling as “relieved” since I do believe I have found the cause of my struggles throughout my life.

Well my wife disagrees with me, says that a lot of the things my mother told me I did were what any child would do; lining up specific toys(army men, cars) into a perfect line, not one out of place, and that I would get VERY angry if anyone tried to move them. I would not allow them to be put away.

Or the fact that I lacked empathy to an extreme extent. Or that when I got agitated I banged my head on the ground. Or that I spun in circles or slapped my thighs constantly(stimming). Also hating toothpaste in or around my mouth, and hating baths and showers and crying when soap was used on me. The fact that I could not go outside without shoes on because the feeling of the grass bothered me, and I hated being dirty at all. I hated sandboxes.

The fact that every time I got yelled at, I had no idea what I did wrong or why they raised their voice at me. The fact that to this day I HATE the way seams and tags feel and have to wear all of my shirts inside out. The fact that I HAVE to eat every meal a certain way and each thing can’t mix with the other ones(vegetables stay on 1/3 of plate, side like rice or potatoes on 1/3 and my meat on 1/3). The fact that I don’t know how to express my feelings to ANYONE and completely shut down when I’m confronted.

The fact that I don’t understand sarcasm or other things that are meant to mean something else. For example the song “cake by the ocean”, I said to my wife, “why would anyone eat cake by the ocean, there’s sand everywhere and it’ll melt!” She explained to me that cake means sex. I had no idea!! The fact that I take everything LITERALLY. The fact that I don’t like to cuddle, I’ve never liked it, I only do it for my wife because she likes it. She always asks why I hate kissing. Idk I just don’t like it!

The fact that I have a routine for every single thing I do, including getting in and out of my car, or taking the trash out, or even using the bathroom! And when my routine is changed or denied, I get very very angry, and throw something or try to hurt myself by punching something or kicking something. At work it happens to me on a daily basis! Or the fact that I don’t like to smile so I ALWAYS look miserable or zombieish. Or the fact that I need to rub my feet together at night to fall asleep. Or that I bite my nails down until my fingers sting as a calming thing. The fact that I ALWAYS shake my left leg when I’m sitting with anyone or even just my wife because it soothes me.

She swears I am exaggerating and thinks I have anxiety, depression, ocd, ADHD, social anxiety disorder, and other things. Antidepressants NEVER worked for me, I’ve never been able to socialize or talk to people about things I’m NOT interested in. I have maybe 2 guy friends that I BARELY talk to, and they are my friends because my wife is good friends with their wives.

My wife also thinks I just want this diagnosis so I can use it to not do things! Or blame it on autism!! When all I want is relief! I want to know that I had no control over why I was this way my entire life. Why I struggled in school and relationships. And why I have such a hard time showing my love and affection for my wife.

She’s known me 12 years and said I didn’t always act like this. Well it’s because I had to pretend the best I could so that I could stay in a relationship. Am I out of line? Am I to blame? I try so hard to be normal, caring, affectionate....I’m not good at always wanting to be close and cuddly, or showing when I’m happy, or even trying to initiate intimacy. Any time touching or intimacy does occur I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack the entire time.

I have ADHD too and my wife hates that they have me on adderall. But that’s the only thing that makes me focus, yet I still get yelled at for focusing on the wrong things, and that I need to focus on the most important things FIRST.

Ugh I’m sorry, my rant is over for this evening.

This situation feels the same to mine. The first thing my wife said to me, in the office, I'd just gotten my diagnoses and had been bawling my eyes out, she said "Don't let this define you". You think it's meant to be encouraging, but I knew exactly what she wanted to say but couldn't, which was "Don't use this as an excuse" and I've been treated in this vain ever since.

 

[Ambi]

I think the NT partners are using the diagnosis as an excuse to start abusing their partners and being passive aggressive! The fact is, no one is perfect, including those people. Everyone annoys everyone at least a bit, marriage is challenging for this reason. But being able to conveniently nitpick at the ASD partner as though they are somehow simultaneously damaged goods as well as undamaged goods claiming to be damaged goods....just gives those partners way too much room to be obnoxious - they get an excuse to say mean things like "don't blame the ASD". If it weren't ASD, maybe they would just find some other excuse or way to be mean about it. I'm just worried for everyone who says their partner does this, because that could really tear up a person's self-esteem. I truly find those kinds of statements abusive. Maybe I am just missing the context or tone of these interactions since I'm only reading about them here, but it makes me so sad to know people can't just be understanding - not just of people with ASD, but just of people/humanity in general - none of us was made-to-order for the other.

 

[Jdeisher]

I’m guessing maybe my wife thinks I’m jumping to conclusions or assuming based off of symptoms and self tests, but I did the research, then thought deeply about how I act now, and reached out to my mom and asked probably 100s of questions, with everything that I have heard or remember, I have no doubt in my mind that I have ASD. And I want to make a thread later with everything I have discovered, some things confuse me and make me question myself and I would like others opinions