Need some advice on how best to handle a family situation.

[Chance]

I haven't been on much here much lately... Have a bunch of personal poop I'm trying to hash out and move beyond, but one has me stuck... I'm not looking for pity... Just some answers and sanity (if there is any)... So please don't feel sorry for me... It's not what I'm seeking in anyway.

I went to my aunts for Thanksgiving (had a decent time really) only to come home as apparently dis-owned again...

I had been getting distantly along with my dad and stepmom, but I guess I screwed that up again.

I saw my dad right before I left and I asked him some stuff about my childhood that I couldn't even remember and some stuff about my real mom that I needed to know, or wanted to know. I broke cardinal rule number 1.
Rule #1
I am not allow to speak of my childhood, or my real mom - ever.

Then I told them I was going to my Aunts for Thansgiving... It wasn't like they were inviting me to be with them so? That was me breaking cardinal rule number 2.
Rule #2
I am never supposed to speak of this part of my family - ever...

Which makes it really awkward when I go either place. They know my stepmom and dad hate them, so thats odd and really awkward. And when I'm with my parents I'm not allowed to talk about the other side of my family (who basically raised me), so I just usually sit there and pray for my phone (which I dislike) to ring and give me some excuse to leave.

Now I guess I'm not allowed to see my dad at Christmas... I was told I upset him too much...
The words were... "Please just don't come around." I usually don't anyway, unless they get to feeling guilty I guess and act like they want me to be with them.

Okay... I guess? So this is the Uber Christian thing to do? Sorry, but when I see a hypocrite I see it in full living color. I cant stand it when people think they are something... When clearly there words and actions show them to be something very different.

Hell, I'm ASD and not even good at picking that up very well, and its screaming in my face.

I'm just confused and have been mulling this over and over, and I guess there is no answer...

I just have to forget it and move on? I can but it takes time... I wish they had just left me when they had the chance. My mom did, I wish they would have also... All this would be easier I think.

I don't know how they do it... But they make me feel bad for them having to had to raise me?
My moms ditching screwed up their plans, but not really cause they just left me with whoever and shuffled me around till I was old enough to toss out into the world... 15 was grown enough for them not to feel real guilty it seems. 12 I guess would have been okay also, but I couldn't get a job that young.

I was hoping that someday I would have this reasonably normal family... Maybe I do... Maybe this is "normal" and I just don't know how to deal with it? Sadly... Its hard for me to swallow that lie when I see how my friends families are... and they have zero resemblance to what I have to mentally associate with what I deal with as a "family."

If I get to come back for another try at this, in another life... ASD is fine, just put me with a loving family, or in a children's home... Not in a total train wreck that I cant even place words too.

If you have some sanity I can borrow I will take it. Or if you know how to suddenly have amnesia, or know a cool hypnotist that might work also. : )

 

[Flinty]

I don't know if your father's behaviour is Christian, but I do know that it's awful.

Maybe your aunts will have to serve as your parents from now on. People have been known to do such things.

 

[Gritches]

Is there a difference between sympathy and pity? Because I won't pity you or anyone else, but as a human being I can't just not feel bad for you, sorry man.

But as for some sanity? That's tough, this is a messed-up situation for sure. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I find sanity usually comes in the form of hope, so you might try asking yourself what you're hoping to get and focus on the ways in which it is within your power to make it happen. Within your power, is the key. What you can and can't control in the situation. You can't control your dad and stepmom's actions, but what you can control is doing the best you can. And if you're doing the best you can, which you can only determine for yourself, then you're doing everything in your power to get what you're hoping for, and that's all you can do, no use worrying about the rest.

I feel like that's easy for me to say, but it's hard to tell you to do anything different. You're not the one being unreasonable here, you're not the one in the wrong. Wish I could do more, but I tell you what, as soon as I find a genie lamp and get my 3 wishes I'll hook you up.

 

[Judge]

I'm afraid that blood isn't always "thicker than water".

 

[Tcx]

My parents live separated but they don't divorce, my father visits us 0~2 time per month(but they text a lot). All I've learned is not to anticipate what a family should be. I've asked both of them if they loved each other and why they kept separated, they shouted at me few times and then told me I would realize after I grew up. Still no idea.
I assume, your parents may have mental problems or being too selfish. That seems to be common or maybe they aren't aware that the way they treat their children would do a huge impact on them. They have empathy on you, they shift their hatred on your bio mother to you and you are seriously been mentally abused. If totally cutting off the abusive relationship between you hurts you too much, I'd suggest you slowly try to decrease the degree you care about their thought and focus on building up yourself. That's what I've done when I came over some tough situation.
...Ugh, I start hating myself typing these useless words. I'm disable to give you literally proper advice. I learned mental independent in a tough way. My parents were once be my illusion-reality crossroad road sign but they split my delusion.
Try to recognize what causes your parents act like this and what they and you want from each other.
Confirm yourself that they are hurting you for themselves mental problem purpose, then choose if you are going to defend or escape.
...Ughhh, please don't take my words into heart.

 

[pax]

So your mum left, your parents divorced and your dad remarried? I hope I got that right. Has your mum died since, or can you not contact her anymore?

Your dad's reaction is strange, given that your mum left when you were a young child and you are now an adult with children of your own. You are entitled to know about your mother and your past, your parents may have split up but gee, it sounds like he didn't want custody of you but now wants full custody of your past. I'm sorry if I put that too bluntly. (I have a similar story with my mother before I went no contact, when I asked if I could borrow childhood photos to take copies of; mainly for pictures of my dad who died when I was a child; and she laughed and refused - telling me I would either lose them or wreck them. WTF?!?! So I have one photo of my dad, and none of my family before my 21st. Not many after.)

Frankly I think you are better off having christmas at your aunt's. I hope you have a great time.
As for giving you some sanity...I'm not sure I can give you that. All I can say is accept the insanity is theirs, not yours, and leave them to it.

 

[WittyAspie]

I don't have any advice, though it seems @Mia might have the tough solution that would work.

The next time you need someone to call/text so you can leave a situation let me know. We've all been there, staring at the phone wishing it would command our attention. I can hook you up man.

 

[Fitzo]

I spent just about my whole life wondering why my relationship with my family was so screwed up and beating myself up about it. After all it must have been my fault. That's what they told me.
It was only about 4 years ago when in therapy for the umpteenth time that the psych said 'well your mother probably has narcissistic personality disorder'. That day changed my life! Once I realized what was really going on it all started to make sense. Not only my mother's behavior but also my dad's and even my brother's. After a lot of reading I realized my Dad was fighting for his own survival - so had no energy left to fight for me. And because my brother was the 'golden child' his experience of her was completely different to mine. Unfortunately this left no one in my corner, because my Dad was already dead and my brother is also very self absorbed, although nowhere near as bad as mum. He does now recognise a lot of her narcisisst behavior which he never used to because it just becomes 'normal' when it's what you grew up with.
If I had known all this 40 years ago I would have just cut her out of my life, but now she's in her 90's and it's just too late.
The big difference now though is
a). I now have boundaries.
And I enforce them. She still tries to mess with me but I just hang up the phone or leave. She knows I'll do it so she has actually modified her behavior, which I never thought would happen.
b). I don't buy into the guilt trips she tries to lay on me any more. She's never shown me love and now I know it's not my fault. And I don't owe her anything. Anything I do, I do because she's old and no one else will do it. NOT because I owe her but because I wouldn't turn my back on her at this stage of her life. However it's on my terms and I protect myself as much as I can.
c). I now know any person who chooses to have children owes it to them to love and care for them. And encourage them not just punish and criticise them. She made my life hell for so long and I've had to fight to survive. But I wasn't the problem, she was.

Knowing these things has really empowered me and changed my life.

Chance you do have family who love you. Your son loves you. Unfortunately things haven't gone well with your wife, but that is probably because you unwittingly chose someone like your own mother. Disfunction is miserable, but if it's all you've known, it feels normal. I've also made some really bad choices in partners. Maybe I was trying to somehow 'fix' my ****** childhood by replaying it over and over??? Who knows.
But I do know I'm done with that now.
So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is recognise that your family failed you. And it was NEVER your fault. So let them know if they want to keep on doing that you're not going to keep on taking it. You owe them nothing. You have NOTHING to be guilty about.
In fact you've actually succeeded pretty well in spite of their best efforts to undermine and break you.
So put some boundaries in place and stick by them.
You might even be surprised to discover they'll even change their attitude when you change yours.

I wish you all the very best in your NEW life.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Rule #1
I am not allow to speak of my childhood, or my real mom - ever.

Then I told them I was going to my Aunts for Thansgiving... It wasn't like they were inviting me to be with them so? That was me breaking cardinal rule number 2.
Rule #2
I am never supposed to speak of this part of my family - ever..

Chance this is completely my fault.
I was supposed to send everybody the updated rules for 2017, ASD VI,
These rules are for 2016 and have been written out of the new version.

The new rules are :
1. Nobody gets to set any rules for you
2. Set your own rules without guilt.

Sorry I realise it’s nearly 12 months late

Weak people can’t face themselves.
They’re using you to get you to feel the discomfort pain and guilt that belongs to them.

3. Set yourself free.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Wow, some really good advice here Chance. None of this family stuff is your fault as everyone has pointed out. Believe them. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our family members and sometimes we get incredibly lucky but sometimes we get sh.t. Refocus on building your own family with those who do love and care for you- other family members like your aunt, son and friends. There is no reason to try with toxic family members and this is what your father and step-mother have become. Gritches has some good advice- focus on what you want for you and your son and start building that. No amount of effort or guilt is ever going to change your dad and step-mom so stop punishing yourself- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And don't hesitate to come to this site if you need support and encouragement and let us do that for you.

Oh and P.S. If you need something lighthearted right now check out Fridgemagnetman's thread on swearing vegetables- it's hilarious.

 

[Chance]

So your mum left, your parents divorced and your dad remarried? I hope I got that right. Has your mum died since, or can you not contact her anymore?

Your dad's reaction is strange, given that your mum left when you were a young child and you are now an adult with children of your own. You are entitled to know about your mother and your past, your parents may have split up but gee, it sounds like he didn't want custody of you but now wants full custody of your past. I'm sorry if I put that too bluntly. (I have a similar story with my mother before I went no contact, when I asked if I could borrow childhood photos to take copies of; mainly for pictures of my dad who died when I was a child; and she laughed and refused - telling me I would either lose them or wreck them. WTF?!?! So I have one photo of my dad, and none of my family before my 21st. Not many after.)

Frankly I think you are better off having christmas at your aunt's. I hope you have a great time.
As for giving you some sanity...I'm not sure I can give you that. All I can say is accept the insanity is theirs, not yours, and leave them to it.

You get it...
I am not allowed to know my past, nor do I have anything from it. Its just so weird to me, that people hold that level of hate (or maybe its guilt) within them. My mom isn't dead, shes very much alive and well I suppose. I'm just not allowed to be a part of her life. Maybe thats the issue in some ways... Passing away creates a finite end that forces closure. Hating your own kid while living a very real life and never caring that he grew up and actually became resoanbly sucessful, leaves tons of questions.

I realize I need to just walk away and I suppose maybe they just made that a reality. It just feels like a loss but I know I'm not losing anything really. Maybe the years of hope is what grinds on me so much.

Thank you all for the great advice.
I kind of think I may just go off somewhere for the coming holiday and just avoid all the worry and frustration. I may just drive up the Pacific Coast and see if I can find some closure to way too much dysfunction.

I have always been made to be the stupid one, maybe its because I was stupid enough to not let go a long time ago.

I just have to understand I dont get closure in any of this... (which is really hard for me to do).
I have to find the best logical answer and you all are telling me what I was already not wanting to tell myself.
I guess I will always care for them, but I will just let it go. Its only harming me.

At some point the sun has to shine again in my life. I know that its ebb and flow, but man I need somethings to let up a little.

 

[Chance]

I spent just about my whole life wondering why my relationship with my family was so screwed up and beating myself up about it. After all it must have been my fault. That's what they told me.
It was only about 4 years ago when in therapy for the umpteenth time that the psych said 'well your mother probably has narcissistic personality disorder'. That day changed my life! Once I realized what was really going on it all started to make sense. Not only my mother's behavior but also my dad's and even my brother's. After a lot of reading I realized my Dad was fighting for his own survival - so had no energy left to fight for me. And because my brother was the 'golden child' his experience of her was completely different to mine. Unfortunately this left no one in my corner, because my Dad was already dead and my brother is also very self absorbed, although nowhere near as bad as mum. He does now recognise a lot of her narcisisst behavior which he never used to because it just becomes 'normal' when it's what you grew up with.
If I had known all this 40 years ago I would have just cut her out of my life, but now she's in her 90's and it's just too late.
The big difference now though is
a). I now have boundaries.
And I enforce them. She still tries to mess with me but I just hang up the phone or leave. She knows I'll do it so she has actually modified her behavior, which I never thought would happen.
b). I don't buy into the guilt trips she tries to lay on me any more. She's never shown me love and now I know it's not my fault. And I don't owe her anything. Anything I do, I do because she's old and no one else will do it. NOT because I owe her but because I wouldn't turn my back on her at this stage of her life. However it's on my terms and I protect myself as much as I can.
c). I now know any person who chooses to have children owes it to them to love and care for them. And encourage them not just punish and criticise them. She made my life hell for so long and I've had to fight to survive. But I wasn't the problem, she was.

Knowing these things has really empowered me and changed my life.

Chance you do have family who love you. Your son loves you. Unfortunately things haven't gone well with your wife, but that is probably because you unwittingly chose someone like your own mother. Disfunction is miserable, but if it's all you've known, it feels normal. I've also made some really bad choices in partners. Maybe I was trying to somehow 'fix' my ****** childhood by replaying it over and over??? Who knows.
But I do know I'm done with that now.
So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is recognise that your family failed you. And it was NEVER your fault. So let them know if they want to keep on doing that you're not going to keep on taking it. You owe them nothing. You have NOTHING to be guilty about.
In fact you've actually succeeded pretty well in spite of their best efforts to undermine and break you.
So put some boundaries in place and stick by them.
You might even be surprised to discover they'll even change their attitude when you change yours.

I wish you all the very best in your NEW life.

wow... You really remebered what I previously wrote... Thats kind of you and I thank you...

I was trying not to bring up the ex-wife nightmare... but in this right now its a toxic double edged sword but it will hopefully make me stronger... For what reason I dont even want to consider...

Thank you for your kindness : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

Aaww Chance. You are not stupid and it is really, really hard to let go of hope especially when you have so much invested. You can find your own closure though by a decision not to keep torturing yourself trying to repair an unrepairable family relationship. Some folks are just not cut out to be parents and unfortunately their kids are the ones who suffer. The kids are not the ones to blame in this situation and neither are you.

 

[OkRad]

Is there a difference between sympathy and pity? Because I won't pity you or anyone else, but as a human being I can't just not feel bad for you, sorry man.

But as for some sanity? That's tough, this is a messed-up situation for sure. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I find sanity usually comes in the form of hope, so you might try asking yourself what you're hoping to get and focus on the ways in which it is within your power to make it happen. Within your power, is the key. What you can and can't control in the situation. You can't control your dad and stepmom's actions, but what you can control is doing the best you can. And if you're doing the best you can, which you can only determine for yourself, then you're doing everything in your power to get what you're hoping for, and that's all you can do, no use worrying about the rest.

I feel like that's easy for me to say, but it's hard to tell you to do anything different. You're not the one being unreasonable here, you're not the one in the wrong. Wish I could do more, but I tell you what, as soon as I find a genie lamp and get my 3 wishes I'll hook you up.

Dang. You nailed this: "I find sanity usually comes in the form of hope," Powerful words, them.........

 

[OkRad]

It is hard, Chance, never to find closure. I have had a series of traumas with no closure. There is not a thing you can do about it. The best you can do is create a beautiful story to close it yourself.

We have no idea when we have no closure and it gnaws at us something terrible. And our brains just make sh** up.

So, if our brain make stuff up, you can use that. You will never know the truth, so chuck the truth. The truth is a luxury for people who were lucky enough to be hurt by people with a conscience. But most people who hurt do not have one.

So The Truth is out. Great! Then you can make your brain make up whatever YOU need. You can have your mom having a breakdown, maybe there was an affair, maybe some reason, but then, imagine if you had stayed......make something up.....maybe you would have been killed or something.............

I have heard that MDMA makes you feel awesome all the time. Nothing matters on it. I never took it. But imagine how all this would make sense to a brain on MDMA. That means the brain is CAPABLE of not being an SOB, so imagine you are on MDMA and make something up.

Oxytocin is similar and you can buy that. It's legal.

The point is HACK that ba***tard brain. I hate my brain and am working on ways to hack it. You are into this and have spoken about it. The brain CAN BE TRICKED and you have to trick it because it will busily, in its state of panic and helplessness over the state of our humanness and mortality, well it freaks out a lot. It takes over.

It is our weakest organ, our most thwarting and ruinous organ. It never obeys us as much as we obey it.

When MDMA is legal for PTSD I will take it. "Good bye Naughty Brain," I say......"I Hate You."

 

[Sabrina]

The only family members you should care about are your kids (I remember you said you had one, I don’t know if he’s the only one). Be the dad you wish you had and concentrate on that.

Don’t be afraid to be alone. I stopped communications with my parents and extended family aproximately a year ago, and it’s being a huge relief. I feel I am finally living my life for me, not for them. I am resuming ‘a bit’ our relationship (for example, we will see them in Christmas time, but not in Christmas eve). I am making my own life rules, and if they don’t like them, it’s their problem, not mine. Make your own rules. If they have their “cardinal rules” you should have your own too.

 

[Sabrina]

You get it...
I am not allowed to know my past, nor do I have anything from it. Its just so weird to me, that people hold that level of hate (or maybe its guilt) within them. My mom isn't dead, shes very much alive and well I suppose. I'm just not allowed to be a part of her life. Maybe thats the issue in some ways... Passing away creates a finite end that forces closure. Hating your own kid while living a very real life and never caring that he grew up and actually became resoanbly sucessful, leaves tons of questions.

I realize I need to just walk away and I suppose maybe they just made that a reality. It just feels like a loss but I know I'm not losing anything really. Maybe the years of hope is what grinds on me so much.

Thank you all for the great advice.
I kind of think I may just go off somewhere for the coming holiday and just avoid all the worry and frustration. I may just drive up the Pacific Coast and see if I can find some closure to way too much dysfunction.

I have always been made to be the stupid one, maybe its because I was stupid enough to not let go a long time ago.

I just have to understand I dont get closure in any of this... (which is really hard for me to do).
I have to find the best logical answer and you all are telling me what I was already not wanting to tell myself.
I guess I will always care for them, but I will just let it go. Its only harming me.

At some point the sun has to shine again in my life. I know that its ebb and flow, but man I need somethings to let up a little.

I’m going to tell you a phrase that my therapist told me when I realized the reality of my family of origin: “you have to mourn the family that you never had”.

I still believe that the concept of family is important, in spite of what happened with my family of origin and my impending divorce. That concept has love as a basic principle, and my family of origin couldn’t care less about love, they care about having minions that they can control, and if someone deviates from the norm, or does not follow their rules, it’s outcasted.

My rule is simple: family is love. If a family member doesn’t treat me, or my kids, with care and respect, I am not interested in a relationship with them.

Make your own rules, think of what the abstract concept of family means to you, and just stick to what conforms to that concept... and get rid of the rest.

 

[WittyAspie]

I am so impressed by those of you who have had difficult family situations and found a way to work past it. Your stories are so encouraging.

 

[Buzzerfly]

For sanity purposes, I will tell you that, from what I've seen, family members in our world are unable to truly know or love each other. Period. But I think parents, and especially those of autistic adults have a responsibility to try and shield you from the NT world as best they can. It sounds like yours jumped ship. Your dad may be a swell guy and all, but it sounds like he's being a d***less coward here. I mean, he's your blood parent and has seen all your life that you're a good creature that doesn't really do anything wrong. He'd rather serve some bimbo in her head than stand up for you. That's not cool. Just to write you off, because it world for him.

My husband and I have both been abandoned by our families in a similar fashion. You can survive though. And in the end, you may have a better chance of accurately seeing the world around you than others. If you go back around your dad and stepmom for survival, just be wary as you do it. And yes, keep hope in the things on Earth that are good.

 

[watersprite]

I think in pictures, so forgive my odd approach here.
@Chance You have shown on AC here with your many wise, yet kind writings that you have strong "wings." You are entitled to, have every right to do so, and now have more than one valid reasons to wrap them around self. They'll unfurl when you need them.