I have a few more thoughts:
It seems obvious to me, too, that you haven't done anything wrong. You showed in your response that a large part of your sadness is more like a mourning...of the loss of two people that you have loved. Of course, that is hard.
You have emotions, that is feelings. But you don't know how to"emote", that is: to outwardly act out feelings in order to manipulate your environment. That is something NTs can do, and is a skill that could be used for good...but often isn't.
This fact should make you feel better: your parents are not seeing you clearly, then rejecting what you are based on a set of circumstances. They have always made you up to be a certain way (possibly only having glimpses of what you really are which they later assimilated into their imaginary story of "you". So, it's not really like they are hating you...
Both of my parents literally hate the Me they've created in their heads. I tried loving on my mother all the way up until she literally tried to kill my family. Then I had to tell her to stay away from me, detailing her past abuse and perversions. Now, she tells everyone she knows that I am an abusive pervert. And she def never repented or apologized. Last year, I found out when contacting my father for Christmas that it was also convenient for him to think I was Satan.
My husbands mother and grandparents all committed suicide, but when he was in their care, they shipped him off to group homes and the like. He's the sweetest, strongest person I know...
And lastly, you are an adult. You probably have been since some point I childhood. So in reality, you don't need parents. But in the world, you do need safe food and shelter. Do you have those?
It is a good time to spread your wings as Kestrel said.
I always tried very hard to do things for my dad to like me. I don't know that for him to ever love me would even be a possibility. I guess my most unreasonable fear would be to turn out to be some heartless monster.
I suck at emotions. A lack of emotions is not the problem, I'm flooded with them and don't have the ability it seems to express them correctly at times.
I try so hard to see the good in people, hoping they can find something good in me, only to have to live with the facts that my birth parents hate my guts basically.
I look back and yes I was a handful, but not a problem child in anyway. My dad was basically a high school football jock. He expected me to be this coordinated sports kid and I couldn't do it. I saw then the hate he had for me and it never changed.
As for my mom... I just have no answers for why she hated me so bad, maybe other than the fact she always told everyone I almost killed her in childbirth. I guess she forgot I nearly didn't make it either.
Thank you for sharing and caring.
