Needing someplace to get support

[Magna]

Welcome. I have a tremendous respect for nurses. I think they/you are the angels that care for the rest of us when we're in great need. Thank you for choosing the vocation that you have. I mean that very sincerely.

Obviously we're in no position to diagnose your husband for many reasons. However, much of what you describe in your husband you could just as well be describing me. I am professionally diagnosed as autistic. I'm a man and I'm married to a neurotypical woman.

I don't relate to these things though: "He gets frustrated if I am not paying attention to the same thing he is. He feels left out if I am on the computer while he is watching TV, for example.

I need a large amount of "alone time". Thankfully my wife does too but not as much as I do. During this time I don't want her to pay attention to the same thing's I am. I also don't feel left out when she's doing her things. Perhaps these specific things are not autism related and could be co-morbid?

You're wise to allow your husband time to form his thoughts by emailing or writing to him about things that concern you. A fundamental aspect of autism is the struggle with social communication. Processing, responding to and communicating verbally in "real time" about things that carry any level of import (ie relationship issues) is extremely difficult. There have been a number of times (small) in our marriage where my wife left a multi-page handwritten note on my pillow about something that was really bothering her. This allowed me time to really understand what was bothering her and time to think about how I felt and how to respond to her.

You'd like your husband to see you sing in the choir. You mention that he has sensitivity to sound. Does he wear earplugs in public? I'm assuming he does not. I will share a tip that may help your husband regardless of whether or not he is autistic. You can suggest this to him without even bringing up autism:

Check into transparent high fidelity earplugs. There are numerous brands out there, but I've been using a brand called Eargasm for about three years now. They've changed my life for this reason: "high fidelity" earplugs do not block all noises. They block the highs and lows and subdue the mid ranges. The transparent types are practically invisible. I wear them anytime I'm in public and I've never had anyone comment nor have I had anyone look/stare directly at my ears. They're reusable and can be cleaned. I've actually been using the same pair for about 1.5 years (with periodic cleanings following the instructions). They protect me from unpredictable loud sounds and therefore make public situations more pleasant. Pre-Covid, they allowed me to actually enjoy going to the occasional restaurant with my wife because I could converse with her rather than my brain being overwhelmed with all the sounds, voices, etc that my brain can't filter/prioritize. They're protection that works. The ones I have come with an aluminum keychain screw top case. I always have them with me as a result. These might help your husband when you two go out in public together. Even places like the grocery store, home improvement store, etc can have unexpected loud noises that are intensely disruptive and painful.

I hope some of that helps.

 

[Jen Wiseman]

Wow, I really appreciate these responses! @MyLifeAsAnAspie , the Lorna Wing information and quiz was interesting. As my husband is not really interested in exploring this, I answered as I thought he would, so of course the results may not be accurate, but he seems to fall mostly in the Stilted category, with some Active but Odd features. @Magna , it is so perceptive that you mentioned the earplugs and his sensitivity to sound. He wears headphones almost all the time when he is trying to concentrate or needs to block some things out. His reason for not wanting to hear me perform, though, is more that he has an idea of the way a song should be (by the original artist, and he prefers recordings most of the time since live music is usually not only too loud but not as high quality). He doesn't like to hear arrangements of music that he knows sung by other people. He needs his alone time too, and will go up into his study and shut the door when he needs to decompress, but when he is in the living room, I think he feels connected when we are both paying attention to the same thing. It's his way of being closer.

And thanks so much for your words about my profession. I absolutely love being able to hear people's stories and find ways to help them feel better, and am so honored that people trust me when they are in distress. Every day that I get to work feels like a gift to me.

 

[Judge]

I really would like to find ways to improve communication with him, as there is a lot I value in the relationship, but it is hard for me to know what is reasonable or unreasonable to hope for when I am asking for him to consider my feelings or perspective.

Unfortunately your circumstances are rather unique, IMO. That both of you have more-than-adequate medical backgrounds to absorb the possibilities. However this is likely to prove to be both an asset as well as a liability. That if you assert yourself in dealing with him as an autistic person, in a professional sense he may catch onto to what you are attempting and react well...badly in the process. So choosing to deal with him as an autistic person may potentially have consequences. Especially if he remains in a state of denial over the possibility that he may be on the spectrum of autism.

Though basically what you are asking is a common scenario here for Neurotypicals. It's also a tough question for many of us to answer. Where we aren't always aware or attentive of a partner's emotional wants and needs. That even if you literally itemize them for us, is no guarantee that we will consistently address them. You could choose to call this a "deficit" or even a "black hole". Made potentially worse in that many of us simply do not project our feelings so easily, even while we indeed have them when it comes to caring for a Neurotypical partner, spouse, etc.. I know in my own case I failed in a relationship with an NT woman, and it cost me dearly. Quite honestly I doubt I could ever make a neurologically mixed relationship work in my own case.

It's also conceivable that your relationship may only function optimally on a "60-40" basis, where you may feel that you're doing all the emotional work. Where you can either deal with it to sustain some acceptable degree of satisfaction, or terminate the relationship simply on a basis of inequity. Where any sense of "fairness" just isn't in the equation.

In essence you may discover that there are no "50-50" solutions to such problems. For many of us, this is our reality in terms of making or breaking relationships. Probably not what you are truly looking for, but for me this is the most honest way I can answer such questions.

BTW, in my own case I've always preferred to deal with Nurse Practitioners than most MDs.

 

[Jen Wiseman]

@Judge , thank you, you explain yourself so well. And I am glad you have had positive interactions with NPs! My husband is actually an experimental psychologist, not clinical, and I think his concern about being "labeled" as autistic has more to do with the potential social stigma and not out of concern for his profession--he is a tenured full professor. He seems quite comfortable with himself and his interactions with most people, and doesn't feel the need to make changes in most areas of his life. He really did not like trying to see a marital counselor with me, but has been willing to try some exercises meant to help our communication and as long as I am very clear in asking for what I need, he is happy to try to oblige. I am not expecting 50-50, but I would be quite a bit less frustrated if I didn't have to get past his resistance to change in so many situations and if he would stop and listen to what I am saying instead of reacting immediately. We are both trying to work on that--me by trying to take things less personally and by communicating when I am feeling less emotional or in writing, and him by changing his phrasing and instead of starting with "no", trying to remember to ask for some time to consider what I am asking/saying and then getting back to me.

 

[Judge]

My husband is actually an experimental psychologist, not clinical, and I think his concern about being "labeled" as autistic has more to do with the potential social stigma and not out of concern for his profession--he is a tenured full professor.

Sadly I can totally understand this. And I suspect many of us would tell you he is correct in such concerns. Equally sad though is that we desperately need more medical professionals who in fact ARE autistic.

IMO one of the most perplexing things about autism to NTs is often an inability to recognize or accept autistic traits and behaviors in terms of those which are "hard-wired" that we cannot change, versus those which maybe subject to change to some degree. Without his help I'm not sure how you can properly identify them and put them into proper perspective, but I suppose as a medical professional you can try. It may serve you well if you can.

 

[Magna]

@Judge , thank you, you explain yourself so well. And I am glad you have had positive interactions with NPs! My husband is actually an experimental psychologist, not clinical, and I think his concern about being "labeled" as autistic has more to do with the potential social stigma and not out of concern for his profession--he is a tenured full professor. He seems quite comfortable with himself and his interactions with most people, and doesn't feel the need to make changes in most areas of his life. He really did not like trying to see a marital counselor with me, but has been willing to try some exercises meant to help our communication and as long as I am very clear in asking for what I need, he is happy to try to oblige. I am not expecting 50-50, but I would be quite a bit less frustrated if I didn't have to get past his resistance to change in so many situations and if he would stop and listen to what I am saying instead of reacting immediately. We are both trying to work on that--me by trying to take things less personally and by communicating when I am feeling less emotional or in writing, and him by changing his phrasing and instead of starting with "no", trying to remember to ask for some time to consider what I am asking/saying and then getting back to me.

If your husband is anything like me, Jen, unless my wife tells me that she's unhappy about something or she makes it extremely obvious (e.g., huffing, setting things down loudly, etc) I assume she's fine. I assume she's fine because I assume if she's not that she'd tell me. I don't understand non-verbal communication well at all. My wife has accepted this and she's gotten very good over the years of telling me what she needs, wants, doesn't want, etc. There have been countless posts on autism forums from neurotypical women who lament the fact that their autistic male partner doesn't/can't pick up on their mood or non-verbal cues.

Is your husband a "fixer"? Does he assume that if you tell him something that you're asking for his advice or asking him to "fix" the problem that you have? I'm a "fixer". I can't understand why someone with a problem doesn't want to solve that problem. I can't understand that sometimes people just want to share and just want someone to listen without that person offering any advice or solution. My wife has also learned to preface her sharing times when she wants no advice or solution with: "I don't want you to fix this, I just want to share this with you and for you to listen." < That statement is very direct and easy for me to understand. That helps both of us immensely.

How is your husband with eye contact?

 

[Jen Wiseman]

@Magna , it sounds like you and your wife have done some great communication work. Yes, I sometimes fall into the trap of hoping or expecting that my husband will be able to figure out what is wrong or that I am upset over something, but I try very hard not to do that any more--it just gets both of us worked up. Most of the time, I can tell him what is going on, but I sometimes am not successful at saying it in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive, and so he argues with me and tells me why I shouldn't feel like I do. And yes, he is a fixer and doesn't always understand that if I have a work issue or an issue with one of my friends, I sometimes just need to say it out loud to clarify it for myself, and I just want him to tell me I am being completely reasonable and the way I feel is justified--I can handle it myself, I just want sympathy! I do try to make that clear. I have other friends who I can talk to when I really need to vent about things, so I don't expect that from him very often any more.

His eye contact is OK, but we do have better conversations sitting next to each other (like in the car, or next to each other on the sofa) than sitting face to face.

 

[Rectify]

Welcome!

Judge has covered much of what I would have said, especially in regards to having to be open to things - one thing that I'd like to add is Dr. Tony Atwood, who has authored or co-authored a number of books on Asperger's, missed seeing it in his own son for a number of years, if I recall correctly.

Yes, it's true, he did. Interesting. I imagine that oversight has pushed him and others to continue to learn.

 

[Alexej]

.. though he refuses to consider the possibility.

it took me a while to come to accept that I might be on the spectrum. I did not want to be labelled, but my wife said that I was already labelled because of the way my behaviour (autism) manifested.

So it came down to a label I chose or one I was given