New and worried about everything...

[Steff]

Hello All, I hope you're doing well

I have know idea what to say really, I think I may have Aspergers/ASD or something of the like and the idea makes me feel both immensely relieved and utterly desolate.

Relieved because it would explain so much... why I don't understand humans and have always described myself as an alien and have had to work so hard to accommodate people and not upset them. It would explain why people seem to have just as much trouble understanding why certain things upset me. And why I do certain things, "stimming" I guess it's called, i.e Putting myself in small dark spaces, or finding ways to apply pressure to myself/body, needing music to cosintrate, always moving my hands and legs without noticing, rocking slightly most of the time, issues with certain sounds, fascination with kinds of flashing lights, and problems with certain kinds of touch making me rage/panic, ect.

Desolate because it means I'll never have the "Ah Ha" moment I have been waiting for all my life, a moment where all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day. And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I don't have a diagnosis yet, and am not sure if I want one, maybe I don't even have any kind of ASD. But without a diagnosis, I can imagine that I'm just a really really late bloomer and it will all be easy "someday", but on the other hand If I get a diagnosis then maybe it means I'm not just a socially inept screw up who doesn't understand anything but rather a person using a different operating system than the majority of my peers.

I'm just scared, this whole idea is kind of terrifying and I can't figure out if it would change everything or nothing... and I'm not so great with change.

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

 

[Judge]

Sounds like you've come to the right place to explore your concerns.

I didn't begin to unravel this mystery until I was in my mid-fifties, and am still not formally diagnosed. Though at the moment it's not a pressing issue for me.

Although at the moment there is a thread containing a somewhat spirited debate over the merits of formal diagnosis vs. self-diagnosis.

Self Diagnosis; Why the Controversy?

Welcome to AC.

 

[Blast off]

For me I would say getting a formal diagnosis would be a huge weight off my chest. I am working towards it right now. Lots of what you described I also experience. You are in the right place. There are many online (unofficial) tests you can take that may also point you in the right direction .Aspie tests
Welcome !

 

[When In Rome]

Hi Steff, welcome and I just joined too, looks a good site. I must let others address your concerns on diagnosis as I am totally against self-diagnosis and therefore my judgement would be subjective.

 

[Marmot]

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

Welcome Steff,

If it'll make you feel better and/or give you some greater sense of worth to spend a bunch of money to get a guy in a white coat to officially tell you what you already know, then by all means go for it and seek out said 'official' diagnosis, but otherwise I'd say: Diagnosis -> Schmyagnosis..... The answer lies within.

Personally speaking, the only thing my diagnosis ever did was make sense of the 38 years looking backward: It's not like (going forward) we get a break on our taxes or a better parking spot by touting an official diagnosis verses non, and from your very descriptive & thorough introduction, I'd suggest you dig around a bit here first to see if you find enough similarities & circumstances to convince you that a diagnosis (official or non) is even necessary.




Are you a Python / Do you have a sense of humor ?

I mean no disrespect nor mockery, but when I read your intro, this song IMMEDIATELY came to mind & I feel that I must share with all you Pythons & Non-Pythons alike. -Humor is totally the best medicine ever, and I hope we can help you laugh more than worry going forward

 

[When In Rome]

I'm a huge Python fan. It's almost a science. And I like traffic lights.

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome!

 

[Nitro]

I'm very happy you have found us and hope you find our membership friendly and the forum educational and fun.

I wouldn't worry about getting a professional opinion (opinion being the key word here) unless you require it for gaining support. Many of our members here either started off investigating themselves long before they sought a "real" diagnosis,or never got one at all.
Psychology is a very subjective "art" where opinions come into play,and are often not in agreement with each other due to the results being skewed by the particular school of psychology the the assessors follow during the process.

AC has always been a site that welcomed anyone as a member and wouldn't be a very good support group if we took a stance that you had to have "proper" paperwork to be a member.

Once again,Welcome aboard!

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[Steff]

Welcome Steff,

If it'll make you feel better and/or give you some greater sense of worth to spend a bunch of money to get a guy in a white coat to officially tell you what you already know, then by all means go for it and seek out said 'official' diagnosis, but otherwise I'd say: Diagnosis -> Schmyagnosis..... The answer lies within.

Personally speaking, the only thing my diagnosis ever did was make sense of the 38 years looking backward: It's not like (going forward) we get a break on our taxes or a better parking spot by touting an official diagnosis verses non, and from your very descriptive & thorough introduction, I'd suggest you dig around a bit here first to see if you find enough similarities & circumstances to convince you that a diagnosis (official or non) is even necessary.

Oh, nobody told me I wouldn't get a tax break... hardly worth it then.
But really I think a diagnosis could only really give me a more clear starting point for personal development research since ASD is such a large spectrum just knowing where/if I fall on it would give me quantifiable information to work off of. Also, if I'm being honest with myself a diagnosis might give me a little personal permission to do some of the strange things I really enjoy with less self-criticism. However, on the other hand self-diagnosis after the requisite research might give me that same thing without applying any of the stigmatization that may come with a formal diagnosis, and at a much more reasonable price... I'm clearly still in the R&D part of making a plan at the moment... Thanks ever so much for your input and assistance.

Are you a Python / Do you have a sense of humor ?

I mean no disrespect nor mockery, but when I read your intro, this song IMMEDIATELY came to mind & I feel that I must share with all you Pythons & Non-Pythons alike. -Humor is totally the best medicine ever, and I hope we can help you laugh more than worry going forward

I am a Python fan Thank you for the laugh, it's very much appreciated!

 

[toothless]

hi steff, welcome to AC!
it doesnt matter if you have a diagnosis or not, every trait you stated is commonly found in people with ASD so you already relate to us and that is what matters, not whether you have a label or not.

i think a label might help you understand yourself a bit more as you would be certain you then had autism,and for a lot of undiagnosed aspies/HFAs who emulate NT life until their 30s/40s/50s it becomes a neccessity to be diagnosed as they commonly suffer from autistic burnout,often caused by struggling to emulate NTism for to long.

you dont have to get diagnosed,but i think it will help you come to terms with your life and get better understanding quite possibly.
i cant judge from my own experience as i was diagnosed with severe classical autism as a toddler but what ever way you choose your at home here.

 

[Steff]

Thank you @toothless You message is so nice and welcoming I really appreciate it! And I also like "How To Train Your Dragon" so your awesome name and avatar are a bonus

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi and welcome

I'm in the process of being assessed for AS.

For me, diagnosis means I KNOW, I'm not guessing. Its a case of feeling like a fraud if I'm not told by a professional.

Many people here are self diagnosed, and that's great, nothing wrong with that, its just a personal thing for me.

 

[Lucos]

Hi Steff, I'm in exactly the same boat. Aged forty-four, two children with asd/ suspected asd. The word has been knocking on my door very faintly for a long time. In the last few months it's become a hammering. I have spent the last couple of weeks immersing myself in books and articles about female autism, and there it is. Me. I feel lightheaded with it all, but also kind of calm and pleased.

I don't feel that I NEED diagnosis, but that it might make it easier to tell other people. As in: 'Oh, I've got Aspergers,' 'Oh right, so you were diagnosed?' 'Er no, but I am pretty sure'...that sounds a bit lame. Also it will help with employment situations etc.

I don't think that you are going to be a 'late bloomer' somehow. We spend years thinking like that. We will bloom when we can be honest about being different. And maybe that would be easier with a formal diagnosis.

 

[StephF]

Hi & welcome to the forums.

About diagnosis, you have to ask yourself what benefit you might gain from diagnosis ?

Would you get any extra support or any extra money from your country ?
Would it make you feel any better ?

It is really up to you to decide whether you want a formal diagnosis ?

 

[MrSpock]

Hi Steff,

for me the biggest thing about being (self- and friend-) diagnosed was the relief of knowing that I'm not completely by myself and knowing that there are resources through which I can learn more about myself and how I'm different and learn to cope with that better.

The more I look into it the more sure I am of the diagnosis, I may get officially diagnosed if it will help me get financial assistance or help with a strange situation regarding a young person who has been officially diagnosed, it may affect how his care is perceived because I may spend a great deal of time with him as a somewhat parental figure.

I've always felt rather alien, in fact I've joked about my real people coming to take me home after this reconnaissance mission I'm on. In my report I will tell my real people not to destroy this planet because it contains cats. The humans are fortunate in that.

You will be you, no matter the label or lack thereof. The label may change your outlook, but a rose is a rose.

It's great that I have a clearer idea of who I am, I wish I'd known long ago, I wouldn't take back self-knowledge of any kind I've so far been fortunate enough to acquire.

It seems to me that the biggest disadvantage of being on the spectrum is that most people aren't. If we were in the majority it would be considered a benefit, and I'm not sure that it isn't anyway. There are definite pros and cons. We seem to be an interesting bunch. Much better than being average in my humble(?) opinion.

 

[Lifesahaze]

Hi Steff,
I got a diagnosis after many years of questions being raised by a variety of people - it was a huge relief. For me, it wasn't around external benefits (although my employer knowing has been really helpful), it was around understanding myself. I wouldn't have been comfortable in self-diagnosing, and needed that confirmation - and it felt like an affirmation of everything I've been through. To me, the diagnosis was almost 'no, you're not putting it on; no, you're not imagining things'. It's a step forward in my own development and understanding.

 

[Streetwise]

what it did for me is cause confusion not uncommon for me as someone had suggested borderline personality disorder
still confused over a year after diagnosis

Hello All, I hope you're doing well

I have know idea what to say really, I think I may have Aspergers/ASD or something of the like and the idea makes me feel both immensely relieved and utterly desolate.

Relieved because it would explain so much... why I don't understand humans and have always described myself as an alien and have had to work so hard to accommodate people and not upset them. It would explain why people seem to have just as much trouble understanding why certain things upset me. And why I do certain things, "stimming" I guess it's called, i.e Putting myself in small dark spaces, or finding ways to apply pressure to myself/body, needing music to cosintrate, always moving my hands and legs without noticing, rocking slightly most of the time, issues with certain sounds, fascination with kinds of flashing lights, and problems with certain kinds of touch making me rage/panic, ect.

Desolate because it means I'll never have the "Ah Ha" moment I have been waiting for all my life, a moment where all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day. And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I don't have a diagnosis yet, and am not sure if I want one, maybe I don't even have any kind of ASD. But without a diagnosis, I can imagine that I'm just a really really late bloomer and it will all be easy "someday", but on the other hand If I get a diagnosis then maybe it means I'm not just a socially inept screw up who doesn't understand anything but rather a person using a different operating system than the majority of my peers.

I'm just scared, this whole idea is kind of terrifying and I can't figure out if it would change everything or nothing... and I'm not so great with change.

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

 

[JamesBon92007]

It looks like you've been here since February so I hope you have found at least part of what you are searching for.

I just got here and the way I see it is that it's very likely that the people here will understand me. I may look into being diagnosed mainly because I am unable to work in most typical work environments but it sounds like I may actually have some legal rights in the workplace! Finally someone may have to adapt to me rather than me having to adapt all the time. In any case I'm expecting to be reading many posts that I can relate to! I suddenly don't feel quite so isolated, as though I was the only person on the planet like me.

 

[Bella Pines]

I felt very similar to you.

My relief came because I wasn't alone in the universe and when I really struggled with something that seemed so normal (like phoning a plumber back) then I had a way to solve the problem. I had something to Google and people that had the same problem and had advice. My desolation came from the fact that is never be normal and do normal social things.

all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day.

But yet how valuable. After 6 months or so when I let it stink in, I did come to terms with it and with who and what I was. The ironic thing was, I always knew, but it still shocked me when I was faced with it.

So think of it this way, you are on a journey of self discovery and the good news is that you already have the tools to equip you for this.

And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I don't understand men. I have sons and they pee EVERYWHERE. I have a husband and he enjoys talking about boobs. I don't understand them at all. They talk about cars over and over again, sometimes repeating the same conversation!

I enjoy shopping, I love it, I can go for hours and not even buy anything, my husband doesn't understand that.

My son's friend's mum runs. For fun. And competes. She runs in large 5 mile circles and ends up back where she started, but tired and sweaty. I don't understand that. She doesn't understand why I hate running!

So you see, whilst you are focussed now on not understanding NTs (neurotypicals) and them not understanding you. There is SO much variety in the world that you will never physically be able to understand everyone. But good for you for trying! The best way forward is to simply accept them. Accept that men are the way they are, accept that fitness freaks are the way they are. Then after a while you may come to appreciate all these wonderful variations. And will they accept you? Well that doesn't much matter, that's their problem not yours.

I'm just scared, this whole idea is kind of terrifying and I can't figure out if it would change everything or nothing... and I'm not so great with change.

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

Not at all. It's been a long road for me, getting to where I am! I don't like change either. So take a breather. Just go about your day, go about your normal routine and just let your active brain process what it needs to.