New and worried about everything...

[Soona45]

Hi steff, I'm 28 and was diagnosed with Aspergers about 2 months ago. I'm high functioning too.
Rock back an forth slightly to, and apply pressure to myself to calm down. Hiding in cool dark places-love it!

Desolate because it means I'll never have the "Ah Ha" moment I have been waiting for all my life, a moment where all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day. And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I can really relate to this. I tried all my life to make it work, hoping one day I would just start coping/managing in they way everyone else did. The problem is that day never comes! It was driving me insane.

Some people are happy to self diagnose, some want a professional one.

I used my diagnosis to say to myself that there will never be a day where I'll start acting like everyone else because I'm neurological different. I immediately started to control my surroundings to help my sensory issues. I feel alot more comfortable in my-self and a massive weight lifted of my shoulders.

Welcome to the forum, hope you enjoy your time here.

 

[AtomicBlondie]

Hello All, I hope you're doing well

I have know idea what to say really, I think I may have Aspergers/ASD or something of the like and the idea makes me feel both immensely relieved and utterly desolate.

Relieved because it would explain so much... why I don't understand humans and have always described myself as an alien and have had to work so hard to accommodate people and not upset them. It would explain why people seem to have just as much trouble understanding why certain things upset me. And why I do certain things, "stimming" I guess it's called, i.e Putting myself in small dark spaces, or finding ways to apply pressure to myself/body, needing music to cosintrate, always moving my hands and legs without noticing, rocking slightly most of the time, issues with certain sounds, fascination with kinds of flashing lights, and problems with certain kinds of touch making me rage/panic, ect.

Desolate because it means I'll never have the "Ah Ha" moment I have been waiting for all my life, a moment where all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day. And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I don't have a diagnosis yet, and am not sure if I want one, maybe I don't even have any kind of ASD. But without a diagnosis, I can imagine that I'm just a really really late bloomer and it will all be easy "someday", but on the other hand If I get a diagnosis then maybe it means I'm not just a socially inept screw up who doesn't understand anything but rather a person using a different operating system than the majority of my peers.

I'm just scared, this whole idea is kind of terrifying and I can't figure out if it would change everything or nothing... and I'm not so great with change.

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

Welcome Steff. I'm new too and was recently "formally" diagnosed in my late 30s. I began suspecting I was on the ASD spectrum after volunteering for an outing for Autistic kids a few years ago. I began researching and independently concluded I was on the spectrum a couple of years ago. I sought a diagnosis because I have always felt defective, especially socially, and I wanted to to know definitively if something was neurologically wrong/different with me. Getting a diagnosis has provided some relief for me and it's helped to better frame my life choices for myself, family, and the (very few) friends that I have. Many people have told me to change, to stop being "weird", and just act normal. Now, they and I know this isn't a choice for me--my brain is different and I can't help (for the most part) the way that I am. I take comfort in this knowledge now.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Hello All, I hope you're doing well

I have know idea what to say really, I think I may have Aspergers/ASD or something of the like and the idea makes me feel both immensely relieved and utterly desolate.

Relieved because it would explain so much... why I don't understand humans and have always described myself as an alien and have had to work so hard to accommodate people and not upset them. It would explain why people seem to have just as much trouble understanding why certain things upset me. And why I do certain things, "stimming" I guess it's called, i.e Putting myself in small dark spaces, or finding ways to apply pressure to myself/body, needing music to cosintrate, always moving my hands and legs without noticing, rocking slightly most of the time, issues with certain sounds, fascination with kinds of flashing lights, and problems with certain kinds of touch making me rage/panic, ect.

Desolate because it means I'll never have the "Ah Ha" moment I have been waiting for all my life, a moment where all my research into social behavior, my work on eye contact, not telling the truth when it will make people cry, studying personality profiles, and modeling myself after admirable and socially acceptable people will never result in me just getting "it" one day. And if I never get "it" never understand the humans then they will never understand me and I would really really like to feel understood a little bit at some point in my life, to just feel less alien.

I don't have a diagnosis yet, and am not sure if I want one, maybe I don't even have any kind of ASD. But without a diagnosis, I can imagine that I'm just a really really late bloomer and it will all be easy "someday", but on the other hand If I get a diagnosis then maybe it means I'm not just a socially inept screw up who doesn't understand anything but rather a person using a different operating system than the majority of my peers.

I'm just scared, this whole idea is kind of terrifying and I can't figure out if it would change everything or nothing... and I'm not so great with change.

Could any of you please give me your opinion on being diagnosed, does it feel better, or do you wish you could take it back?

Hello Steff - I know this is a very late reply but I only joined this community around a month ago and came across this revived thread. I should have joined much sooner and I should have started seeing a psychologist much sooner. The one I'm seeing highly suspects I have Asperger's and we're currently working together on managing it. Right now we're working mostly on anxieties and social skills; he was the one who recommended that I join an online community for Asperger's, and here I am.

I've described myself as an alien and I don't understand quite a bit of NT behavior at all. I never understood how everyone magically seems to get along with each other and why I'm having so much trouble. People tend to not understand me as well. A lot of people think I'm very weird and are confused by many of the things I do. I've always known there was something off about me but I made the mistake of sweeping my struggles under the rug. I have too been considering myself a late bloomer and kept saying to myself that it will all be easy someday, that it would get better - that I would get better. Who was I kidding - only myself. I may have improved just slightly, but that's purely from observing the people I work with during all these years.

I get upset by so many trivial things and people keep asking me why this or that bothers me so much, it's not a big deal. People tended to misunderstand me completely and think that I was crazy, on drugs, or otherwise just some jerk. I believed them all (well except the drugs part, I've never ever smoked or done drugs. I tried alcohol but didn't like it so I'm also not a drinker). I've always thought of myself as some sort of psycho that needs to be locked up in a mental institution, and if I didn't have my parents' love and some other people appreciating me for who I am, I could have very well just committed myself to such an institution. I've exhibited extremely off-putting behavior in college due to my social inexperience and near total lack of social skills - wanted to fit in and be friends with everybody. I never meant to hurt or offend anybody. This has led me to exhibit self-hatred and to this day, I still do. It's a wonder some people actually love me when I don't even love myself.

I tried to mimic socially apt people in my past, but then the mask just slipped into that aforementioned behavior. I lost so many potential friends in college, and that's really upsetting because I hardly ever had any friends to begin with. Only in recent years did I manage to make maybe 3 NT friends, and I keep wondering just how I did it. I'm almost 30 now and I never dated. I struggle with severe OCD/anxieties, and I feel like I could be heading into depression if I don't do anything about them. I've only just now embarked on an eternal battle against them, with the help of my doc - because up until this point I've never been able to manage them on my own, or with other people's help. I want to make sure to also never regress into that off-putting behavior I've exhibited in college and I've nearly done that twice after graduating, leading into even more self-hatred.

I stim quite a bit. I move my legs when I sit, can hardly ever be still. I peel skin and fingernails, sometimes inadvertently making the affected areas bleed. I scratch my scalp a lot when it doesn't itch. I rub the skin on my neck and exhibit multiple facial tics (eye blinking, nose twitching, sometimes even head shaking). I also make some quiet random sounds, as well as scream out random words at home. Even in the chatroom I do similar things; I have an affinity towards the word "valley" for instance and I keep typing it in the chatroom all the time. Valley.

So my doc - he's convincing me that I'm not a screwup, like I used to always think about myself. He's told me of the same "operating system" concept, that I have Asperger's and my brain is just wired differently. He and are are working together to manage and help me compensate for the liabilities my disorder is causing - without a diagnosis. This makes me think that a formal diagnosis is unnecessary, but if he were to recommend it then I wouldn't be scared at all - I did suspect Asperger's in me for a little bit after all after accidentally coming across it online. I too wish I could be understood better by NT's and feel much less alien. At least I'm not totally alone like I used to be - but for the record I was a lone wolf by choice for a large portion of my life.