She won’t want to know about it at the moment. Even if it’s not a surprise and it makes sense as to why things are like the way they are, there’s always some sort of hope that you’re not like that and it has to be something else. That they got it wrong. And then, the acceptance comes in. And things do get better.
My official diagnosis is ASD with General anxiety disorder as a Co-morbid. I wasn’t told formally, my parents were planning to keep it hidden from me as they were worried about how it would affect me. I found out when things started to boil over and my therapist seemed to be hinting about things that made me a bit suspicious. I remember listening to UB40s red red wine in the car whilst we waited for my sibling to finish her music lesson and I kept demanding to know what was wrong. Until my mom snapped and told me that I had “Aspergers”. It’s not really a surprise that I struggled with the acceptance of the diagnosis. By how it was told to me, and afterwards how my mom couldn’t really fully accept it because it shattered her perfect world view at the time. I didn’t really fully accept it until a year later. By then, I had seen an ASD group, that I wasn’t ready for and I didn’t go back to after the first meeting, a strange church group were I was asked to be healed..yeah..awkward and rather offensive.... and a therapist Who was part of the institute that diagnosed me.
I did join a ASD forum and started posting when I became a little bit desperate to get some sort of “yes you’re like this because of this and I do it too” kinda thing, it did help that I had that additional support because at the time my mom was making the process of acceptance harder by her refusal and ....borderline aggressive treatment of me. Why she was like that I don’t know really, but i didn’t have a lot of maternal support for the first year post diagnosis, and it wasn’t until we moved again and I got the same diagnosis for a second opinion that she fully accepted it. I love my mom but I can’t forget that time. And my dad tried but he was working a lot so was barely home but they both did receive strategies and support from my therapist.
My therapist was good in that she addressed a lot of immediate issues, put me on a support plan and gave strategies that we worked on. Strategies and scenarios about how to talk to people, how to take public transportation, how to handle my anxiety levels with breathing techniques. Like if things got to overwhelming to recognize the anxiety build up and take steps to manage it — so although it’s highly dependable on a situation I’ve learnt over time to recognize the build up. If it’s minimal and I can do it, I do it with music blocking things out, if it gets higher I remove myself from the place. It’s helped because I haven’t had any public meltdowns for a few years. I’ve had a few private ones when I get too overwhelmed but aftermath is handled a lot more smoothly afterwards than it is in public.
As for school. Ha, well how I was referred to initially before being diagnosed was because I couldn’t cut school. Every school I had been to had left a long history of bullying. I did well at school academically but school made me extremely unhappy, anxious and pre anorexic and severely self harming myself. It wasn’t a great time. So it was a good thing that I was immediately put on to homeschooling. I flourished and without that I don’t think I would be here...let alone would have gained 3 university degrees. Homeschooling is a great alternative, And you developed a lot of skills like self discipline and good organisation skills etc. but you do have to find other alternatives for socializing like I did end up joining some clubs with the exception of archery club, most of them tended to be adults and not my own age group. It wasn’t really until I got to university where I mixed more with my own age group. And I didn’t party or do anything that was considered student life because that’s not really me. But I did receive excellent support from the university’s disability support unit and was assigned a mentor to help ease the transition between home and first year. Something I wouldn’t have got if I had my diagnosis hidden.
I didn’t think I’d do things like that, especially after being diagnosed. There’s a lot of obstacles to over come. And there’s always going to be obstacles to overcome. With the exception of 2020 and it’s fun bag of tricks, I do try to use the strategies I’ve learnt over the years. They’ve been ingrained thanks to a lot of practice although I do struggle with feeling tired afterwards, and whilst there are things that I can’t do like work in a busy environment or sometimes struggle with making friends properly I still do try to learn even if people are still a bit of a mystery. I still get things wrong, and I still have misunderstandings and anxiety levels can spike crazily. And 2020 whilst my anxiety was high enough so that I didn’t give the best I could be, I did receive a couple of job interviews, and I did get accepted for a few job opportunity that because of covid and restrictions had to be taken away....a lot of frustration there that I’m trying to work on. But I’m determined not to give up. I’ve overcome obstacles before, and can do so every time.
