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fireandair

New Member
Hello. I haven't been formally diagnosed but it's becoming ever clearer to me that I must be evaluated. I'm 54 -- almost 55 in one month minus two days. Let's just say that I can fully understand why undiagnosed adults are at high risk of suicide at this point in my life, but I can't imagine being diagnosed, even though I feel panic-stricken at the idea of continuing on with life any more like I am. I feel like I've been blown around in a hurricane for my whole life, and I've managed to just hold on with bloody fingertips, and I'm finally getting exhausted enough to lose my grip. I started looking into the possibility of being "on the spectrum" and the little checklists you find online were so accurate that they scared me.

The image of being "on the spectrum" though was always one of a little boy who played with trains a lot and memorized baseball statistics, not women and not grown women with jobs and educations. I thought it had nothing to do with me, and that my problems were just me being weird or wrong and not fitting in and failing to be a human correctly.

I guess I just want people to talk to who know about this. I can't see myself being diagnosed. My elderly mom lives with me, which is not easy for either of us but I've lived alone and away from my family for decades and had to move back here six years minus a few months ago, and it's been ... hard. Really hard. I cannot imagine her knowing that I've been officially diagnosed.

I just feel like I've been clinging to a cliff my whole life, and my hands are finally starting to give way, and I'm forced to finally try to figure out why. I hate sounds and have to plug up my ears to get to sleep. I hate being touched, it's like electricity. Despite being heterosexual, I have never successfully had sex in my life. I breathe numbers, words, and music -- my brain seems to think they're all the same thing. I can write well but when I try to talk extemporaneously, I sound like a stroke victim because the words have to come out in a certain order, and that's not how I think. I am horrible at social interaction and judging other people, and I tend to take what they say at face value. I was bullied and an academic overachiever for my entire childhood and youth, and my absolutely failure to being a human correctly -- especially a human woman -- has left me exhausted. I CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE RULES THAT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. When I'm in a room full of humans, I feel like Jane Goodall. I hate eye contact; I can't make it, and when I make it, I can't figure out how to disengage it, and people are so creeped out by that. I have no "own kind."

I'm just starting to want to let go and stop trying anymore, but I can't because I'm responsible for taking care of my mom. My only close family is her and one surviving older brother out of two who felt that tormenting me until I lost control and screamed for my whole childhood until I moved to the west coast was the funniest thing in the world. I don't want any close family. I have one close friend period whom I love more than anything, and no one else. I dated one person in grad school and knew it was a bad idea, but had no idea how to disengage. I know that I can't figure out how to disengage, so I just stayed away from men completely my whole life because I knew that if I found myself in a bad relationship, I would not be able to figure out how to end it. And sex was always horrifically painful, so why try anyway? Unfortunately, I looked a certain way when I was younger (still kind of do) that meant that I got a lot of attention that I had no idea how to handle.

I'm just tired. I want to lie down and not wake up, just sleep forever. I'm sick of being Jane Goodall. I'm sick of being surrounded by rules I can't work out, stepping on land mines everyone but me can see, and being born on the wrong world. I should have been born on a planet of sentient sponges or something, and instead I ended up among a bunch of strange, elongated chimpanzees, and I hate it. I want to go home, but there's no home. I guess I'm pretty sure that I'm "on the spectrum," but having it formally stated would mean there's no hope.

Sorry this is so long. I'm so tired of being like this.
 
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Hello fireandair
Welcome to the forum! I have things in common with you about being on the spectrum and not really wanting an official diagnosis. I have found alot of support here. I get what you mean about the being on the wrong planet thing too.
 
Welcome. I hope you find a lot of support here. So many with similar stories and experiences. This is a nice place to learn and find support :-)
 
6dda3c75f3be4e359131b421082f26ee.png
 
Hi and welcome, what a hard time you have had, I am sorry you have had to go through all that, we surely are a lost generation in some ways, especially Aspie women.

However, I don't agree that getting a diagnosis or formal statement, or just realising that you were an Aspie, is a hopeless situation. It's big, for sure, but there's explanations in it for how things have been. And also, the possibility to acknowledge some things won't change easily, so we can think of a strategy, perhaps, to get around them.

Remember, everyone in the world is different, and everyone is flawed. We have upsides and we have downsides. Everyone. Our challenges are tough, and especially when we have had to grow up without help or awareness around us, but we have plenty of good points, and clearly you do too, indeed you have mentioned some of them.

Its good that you found us, people here get what you experience and many will have been there themselves. I hope you enjoy it here, and will write some threads and answer others.

:shavedice::coffee::fishcake::coffee::cookie::coffee::grapes:
 
Hi,

Sounds like my story...I envisaged it as being on a life raft, like a flat one made of logs, and you get progressively shoved to the outside over time until you are in the water and clinging on with your fingertips to the edge of the raft.

When you finally let go, after they stamp on your fingers, you realise there are lots of others in the water, also shoved off the life raft, hanging on to logs or flotsam, so you're not alone.

Living with mum can't be great, do you have any other options? Disability housing maybe?
 
unperson said:
Living with mum can't be great, do you have any other options? Disability housing maybe?
Click to expand...

Hi, unperson. I'm lucky I think, even though it's hard. I'm well employed and my mom lives with me instead of the other way around. She's old enough that she can't really live on her own anymore. I had to move across the country back to this coast because of it. I miss my old life. It was a tech company, and I think weird people were a little more accepted there.
 
fireandair said:
Hello. I haven't been formally diagnosed but it's becoming ever clearer to me that I must be evaluated. I'm 54 -- almost 55 in one month minus two days. Let's just say that I can fully understand why undiagnosed adults are at high risk of suicide at this point in my life, but I can't imagine being diagnosed, even though I feel panic-stricken at the idea of continuing on with life any more like I am. I feel like I've been blown around in a hurricane for my whole life, and I've managed to just hold on with bloody fingertips, and I'm finally getting exhausted enough to lose my grip. I started looking into the possibility of being "on the spectrum" and the little checklists you find online were so accurate that they scared me.

The image of being "on the spectrum" though was always one of a little boy who played with trains a lot and memorized baseball statistics, not women and not grown women with jobs and educations. I thought it had nothing to do with me, and that my problems were just me being weird or wrong and not fitting in and failing to be a human correctly.

I guess I just want people to talk to who know about this. I can't see myself being diagnosed. My elderly mom lives with me, which is not easy for either of us but I've lived alone and away from my family for decades and had to move back here six years minus a few months ago, and it's been ... hard. Really hard. I cannot imagine her knowing that I've been officially diagnosed.

I just feel like I've been clinging to a cliff my whole life, and my hands are finally starting to give way, and I'm forced to finally try to figure out why. I hate sounds and have to plug up my ears to get to sleep. I hate being touched, it's like electricity. Despite being heterosexual, I have never successfully had sex in my life. I breathe numbers, words, and music -- my brain seems to think they're all the same thing. I can write well but when I try to talk extemporaneously, I sound like a stroke victim because the words have to come out in a certain order, and that's not how I think. I am horrible at social interaction and judging other people, and I tend to take what they say at face value. I was bullied and an academic overachiever for my entire childhood and youth, and my absolutely failure to being a human correctly -- especially a human woman -- has left me exhausted. I CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE RULES THAT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. When I'm in a room full of humans, I feel like Jane Goodall. I hate eye contact; I can't make it, and when I make it, I can't figure out how to disengage it, and people are so creeped out by that. I have no "own kind."

I'm just starting to want to let go and stop trying anymore, but I can't because I'm responsible for taking care of my mom. My only close family is her and one surviving older brother out of two who felt that tormenting me until I lost control and screamed for my whole childhood until I moved to the west coast was the funniest thing in the world. I don't want any close family. I have one close friend period whom I love more than anything, and no one else. I dated one person in grad school and knew it was a bad idea, but had no idea how to disengage. I know that I can't figure out how to disengage, so I just stayed away from men completely my whole life because I knew that if I found myself in a bad relationship, I would not be able to figure out how to end it. And sex was always horrifically painful, so why try anyway? Unfortunately, I looked a certain way when I was younger (still kind of do) that meant that I got a lot of attention that I had no idea how to handle.

I'm just tired. I want to lie down and not wake up, just sleep forever. I'm sick of being Jane Goodall. I'm sick of being surrounded by rules I can't work out, stepping on land mines everyone but me can see, and being born on the wrong world. I should have been born on a planet of sentient sponges or something, and instead I ended up among a bunch of strange, elongated chimpanzees, and I hate it. I want to go home, but there's no home. I guess I'm pretty sure that I'm "on the spectrum," but having it formally stated would mean there's no hope.

Sorry this is so long. I'm so tired of being like this.
Click to expand...

I'll add the book Knowing Why, by the Autistic Self Advocacy Network to the list of references here. It's about why getting a diagnosis, no matter what age you are, can be very important. Think of it this way, if you find out you really are on the spectrum, you can finally have a chance of finding your home. It's certainly made all the difference in my life!!

Oh, and by the way, Welcome!
 
fireandair said:
CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE RULES THAT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. When I'm in a room full of humans, I feel like Jane Goodall. I hate eye contact; I can't make it, and when I make it, I can't figure out how to disengage it,
Click to expand...
This part really rang a bell with me. Thank you for sharing
 
Welcome to the forum. Your post described a lot of things I can relate to. I'm so sensitive to sound, I too have to wear ear plugs when I sleep. I also have problems when I'm speaking. My tongue often stumbles over words and I get myself into verbal dead ends and can't figure out how to complete the sentences. I also get sidetracked easily, and fail to say what I originally intended.

I can also relate to your brother torturing you. For me it was my younger brother, and he delighted in making my life miserable. All I wanted was to be left alone! I was the one who got punished and he never did.

I can understand how you feel like Jane Goodall watching a family of chimpanzees, when watching people. I always compared a room full of people to a section of bee hive like I used to see displayed at the state fair. I couldn't understand how the bees knew where to go, and which bees to communicate with. The same with people, what did they know that I didn't? There had to be some secret rules they followed that I wasn't privy to.

Have you read many other threads in this introduction section? It feels amazing to finally read so many people's stories that sound so much like our own, and to know you're not the only one in the world who feels like you do.

I'm a self-diagnosed aspie, and for me, I'm looking forward to getting a confirming diagnosis, but I know others may feel differently for their own reasons. For me, a diagnosis of ASD would be a major step to finally be able to understand myself and my life, and just to understand why I am the way I am.

I hope you can find what you need here. I'm new here, so I don't have much to offer, but there are a lot of people here who have a wealth of information and are happy to help. Once again, welcome.
 
Hi and Welcome to the Forums.

It is a good place here to explore the different aspects of autism and to share your experience. There is little tat you have experienced which wont have been experienced by others here.

Pull up a chair and join in the conversations.
 
Welcome!:) I was 52 when I was diagnosed. There are quite a few so-called "older adults" that have been recently diagnosed,...finally. What a relief,...an explanation for a lifetime of confusion, frustration, anger, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, and a long list of "unhealthy thoughts".

My way of coping is through deep dives into the neurobiology of autism. I have this need for understanding. In turn, I've been learning how my brain works and all the "why's" I've been questioning all my life.

Personally, I am thinking we are a group of "survivors" of sorts. We've done what we've done in life without any answers, a lot of ignorance, varying degrees of personal tragedy, and so on.

You are amongst friends now.;):)
 
I am new as well. I am probably older than most of you but have always felt like a sore thumb in any gathering and I just didn't fit in. I was diagnosed with everything throughout life: clinical depression, ADD and ADHD, slight bi-polar disorder, borderline personality, etc. It's just whatever diagnosis was popular for my type at the time and whatever medication went with it.
I was an A student in grade school but beyond that, I just didn't seem to get a lot of things that others found easy. This proved what I was told by a well-meaning guidance teacher in grade 7 or 8. He explained that the higher grades would be tough for me. I'm guessing he was using an IQ test as a guide. We did a lot of those tests back then.
I dropped out of school in grade 10. I did find it harder but I could have done it. Life took me in another direction. A few years later I took the equivalent to grade 12 and went on to college. One thing for sure though, I have always had a very hard time finishing anything. My brain seems to work slower than others and it is frustrating at times. I could never seem to explain things the way I could write them.
Looking back I often wonder if my mother was on the spectrum as well. She absolutely never voiced any feeling to us, no deep understanding of things. She didn't seem to grieve when someone close passed away, and never conveyed human feelings well. She looked normal. She was a great listener but I'm thinking she just nodded or laughed because she thought she should.
There are so many little things, and bigger things that indicate something is wrong. My own child also has problems which she is dealing with. She was diagnosed with Aspergers. and although she is quite intelligent as far as learning and speaking, it is obvious that there is a disconnect in social aspects. I have accepted my problems as just 'who I am' but seeing it in other's in the family has led me to find out more about it. Thank you for taking the time to read.
 
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