New here -- hi

[Barymore]

Hi there and welcome! I hope you find this space as safe and welcoming and low-stress as many of us do!
Many of the things you wrote resonate with me - "failing to do human correctly" is brilliant, although I know just what heartache lies behind that for many of us.
Dont give up just yet!

 

[fireandair]

You are amongst friends now.

Thank you very much for the welcome. I saw your "AQ" score in your .sig file. I remember taking that after I started to suspect that it applied to me, scoring a 45, and getting scared.

I still don't know what to do. Like I said, my mom lives with me in a small, one floor, two-bedroom apartment, and I can't imagine going to see a psychologist and getting evaluated for this and having her know about it. And I can't imagine being able to do it privately living so close on top of each other. It would only be a matter of time until my brother found out and I can just see him smirking at me over it, no matter if I asked her not to tell him.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Thank you very much for the welcome. I saw your "AQ" score in your .sig file. I remember taking that after I started to suspect that it applied to me, scoring a 45, and getting scared.

I still don't know what to do. Like I said, my mom lives with me in a small, one floor, two-bedroom apartment, and I can't imagine going to see a psychologist and getting evaluated for this and having her know about it. And I can't imagine being able to do it privately living so close on top of each other. It would only be a matter of time until my brother found out and I can just see him smirking at me over it, no matter if I asked her not to tell him.

I don't know your situation. All I know is that I had to pay a few hundred dollars for the 2 appointments. I thought it would be a few thousand dollars, but the folks at the psychologist office new exactly which codes to put in,...and the insurance paid the vast majority of it. Keep in mind, my insurance company said to me prior that since I was over 18, mental health services would not be covered,...they lied or were misinformed.

Having said that, I was also lucky enough to have my wife come with me to the appointments,...as the psychologist wanted to interview her, as well, to get a sense of "what it is like living with me"...I can only imagine that conversation.

Being autistic, especially if you are an "Asperger's Condition" type, has nothing to do with intelligence,...in fact, some of us are exceptionally intelligent,...but have varying degrees of behavior and communication difficulties. For myself, and others with a "late diagnosis", it is a relief,...and not something to be anxious about. So,...you might have Asperger's condition,...OK,...so what? You've lived with it this long,...what is going to happen if you get a confirmed diagnosis? The people around you,...they've already judged you,...that's been my experience. I've told people and literally got an, "Ok",...and nothing else. Besides, you might now have some understanding and not feel so bad about yourself.

 

[Kevin1968]

You don't need to be scared (I realise that may be how you feel though). A diagnosis is just that a diagnosis...

You will still be you,

nothing changes except you may know why some things are more difficult for you (and some things are easier for you) than for the "average" neurotypical person.
It's an explanation for why you are you, not a new condition.

I don't want you to think I am down playing any difficulties you have...just that a diagnosis doesn't change them (though you could use a diagnosis to seek assistance).

As regards your brother, despite the adage that we don't get to choose our family, you can choose to distance yourself from them, especially if they are harmful to your mental health. Make it clear to him to behave like an adult if he wants to stay in contact with you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am new as well. I am probably older than most of you but have always felt like a sore thumb in any gathering and I just didn't fit in. I was diagnosed with everything throughout life: clinical depression, ADD and ADHD, slight bi-polar disorder, borderline personality, etc. It's just whatever diagnosis was popular for my type at the time and whatever medication went with it.
I was an A student in grade school but beyond that, I just didn't seem to get a lot of things that others found easy. This proved what I was told by a well-meaning guidance teacher in grade 7 or 8. He explained that the higher grades would be tough for me. I'm guessing he was using an IQ test as a guide. We did a lot of those tests back then.
I dropped out of school in grade 10. I did find it harder but I could have done it. Life took me in another direction. A few years later I took the equivalent to grade 12 and went on to college. One thing for sure though, I have always had a very hard time finishing anything. My brain seems to work slower than others and it is frustrating at times. I could never seem to explain things the way I could write them.
Looking back I often wonder if my mother was on the spectrum as well. She absolutely never voiced any feeling to us, no deep understanding of things. She didn't seem to grieve when someone close passed away, and never conveyed human feelings well. She looked normal. She was a great listener but I'm thinking she just nodded or laughed because she thought she should.
There are so many little things, and bigger things that indicate something is wrong. My own child also has problems which she is dealing with. She was diagnosed with Aspergers. and although she is quite intelligent as far as learning and speaking, it is obvious that there is a disconnect in social aspects. I have accepted my problems as just 'who I am' but seeing it in other's in the family has led me to find out more about it. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Scientists have found over 100 genetic markers associated with autism. Some of these genetic markers lie dormant, some are "opportunistic"....waiting for other intrauterine conditions to activate them (abnormal testosterone, estrogen, insulin, thyroid hormones, etc.). There does not appear to be any one cause of autism, but rather, it is a condition that can be triggered under a long list of intrauterine conditions. However, autism can have a strong genetic component in some families,...from what you are describing, it would appear more genetic in your family.

Your experiences, to varying degrees, mimic many of ours.

At any rate,...welcome.