New here, I’m an NT who is now certain my girlfriend is an Aspie

[RGR]

Hello!

I’m new here. I’m seeking knowledge and feedback from others who know more about AS than I do. As briefly as I can, I’m a man who has been in a relationship with a woman for nearly 2.5 years now. Within the first month of knowing her I experienced my first “episode” from her. AS was not part of my vocabulary at that time and in fact, I’ve only come to realize she is likely an Aspie in her mid 40’s in the past two weeks.

The episodes were consistent from the start of our relationship. I had never experienced anything like these episodes that would steadily become more and more standard as time went on. I was shocked and taken aback by the cruelty and delivery of things she would say to me. But I stayed the course. I experienced her first multi-day shutdown before I knew her for two months. Anyway, I’m sure most of you have heard my story countless times. I’ve tried to self- diagnose her for a couple years now, bouncing in and out of notions such as possible ADHD, OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, etc.

The “break through” occurred a couple weeks ago when I decided to google “why does my girlfriend only have sex when she’s drunk”, and different variations of that such as “why does my girlfriend avoid morning sex or sober sex”.

Almost every search return contained the acronym ASD. So I started to delve deeper into that acronym and the world I live in started to come into true focus. It wasn’t until I wrote these words down to express how she made me feel, then subsequently used these words to search deeper into this ASD thing. Here is what I wrote down before I even understood what AS or ASD even is, just a couple weeks ago:

“How I feel

• I don’t feel any empathy from you toward me. You get defensive about many things I try to talk about or just say although I’m not trying to be bossy, a know it all, or demeaning
• I feel marginalized and invalidated by you. Examples of what I mean:

* You seem to deliberately despise the notion of my accomplishments

* You seem annoyed if I receive a compliment

* You hush me and/or speak down to me in front of others

* You never compliment me on anything

* You never recognize my service to our country

* But you recognize everyone else’s

* You get annoyed when I speak to you while the television is going

* You don’t think I’m important enough to notify me about your plans

* I usually find out at the last second

* I can honestly say you hurt my feelings in some way, everyday

* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

* You never appear to appreciate anything I do

* I could go on but this makes the point

• You show me no affection. None. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay

* I’ve stopped trying because I feel rejected, unattractive and it’s awkward now

* We have no sex life anymore. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay if you don’t

* In over 2 years we’ve maybe had sober sex a couple dozen times

* And now that you’ve stopped drinking, I worried how it would impact our sex life... That reckoning is now...

* I worry that after I help and participate through your recovery, someone else will get to enjoy the new, sober, renewed, and improved, *her name ommitted*, while I fade away

* You can’t tolerate me. You can’t control you’re disdain toward me. I can see you try sometimes but you fail when you try

* You don’t even know me inside

* You control 100% of our relationship

* We both want more space apart from each other. A slow death...

* I don’t feel like I can be myself because I’m afraid it’s the real me that makes me intolerable to you.

* I don’t get the feeling you’re thrilled to be in the world with me anymore


So what the f#*@ are we doing?”

Keep in mind, I wrote these words to her just a couple weeks ago, before I started to equate them with possible Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome. It’s noteworty that she got angry when I presented these words to her. She shutdown on me for 3 days. She’s in completely denial so I’m not sure if she’s undiagnosed which appears to be common in adult women with AS, or she’s not being honest with me.

I’ll stop here for the sake of brevity and leave this thread open for input and comment. But I’ll leave this last comment; I’m almost 100% certain she’s an Aspie now that I’ve had a couple weeks to research more and I’m almost ready to walk away from our relationship now. Especially if she’s remains closed to discussing the obvious Elephant in our Room...

I’m not sure what my goal is by being here. I’m just lonely and desperate I guess.

 

[tree]

She sounds narcissistic.
Controlling, lack of empathy, self-involved,
devalues others.....


https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism

 

[SunnyDay16]

Her not wanting to have sex could mean a number of things. Aspies can have varying sex drives; some have high sex drives while others don't, so I don't think that alone is a good enough reason to diagnose her with ASD. It's a stereotype that aspies are asexual, but it's not really reality.

It appears to me she doesn't know how to communicate without shutting down or responding in a belligerent manner. People like that aren't the easiest to be in relationships with.

You writing out how you feel is a good first step. However, instead of saying how she generally makes you feel or how things "seem", it's better to provide explicit examples of how this is so. Aspies can be oblivious to what they are actually doing wrong and need to have it specifically pointed it.

You can't make her change her communication style, only she can do that. Now all you can do is accept her for who she is right now. If you feel you can't continue this relationship, then don't. It's not fair to you or her to remain in a relationship where you both are clearly unhappy and don't understand each other.

 

[Judge]

Relationships are like investments. If they aren't paying off, sometimes pondering why isn't so critical as how much you might be losing while attempting to salvage things.

Whatever her issues really may actually be, it doesn't sound like you are prepared to accept them.

- "Sell".

 

[RGR]

Thank you for the input and advice. I appreciate it.

It’s funny (meaning interesting) to reminisce about the early days of our relationship and taking inventory with what I know now, of all the signs I’ve seen along the way.

Our sex life was frequent and “effective” efore she stopped drinking a couple months ago after a bout with acute pancreatitis. By effective I mean we had sex enough for me but it was never intimate. It was just her, drunk, not making eye contact for more than a second, no kissing because she never liked kissing from day one. Because the large majority of our sex was while she was drunk, she would never have an orgasm because the alcohol impeded that. Orgasms only happened for her during those rare sober sex episodes. I knew what to do to get her there and she could get there as long as she wasn’t inebriated. And inebriated is a true description of her condition when she was drinking.

Without knowing anything about AS yet when she was in the hospital with the pancreatitis, I had already worried what her being sober would do to our sex life. She has done remarkably well with her sobriety but my fears about the impact of sobriety on our sex life have come true

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hello!

I’m new here. I’m seeking knowledge and feedback from others who know more about AS than I do. As briefly as I can, I’m a man who has been in a relationship with a woman for nearly 2.5 years now. Within the first month of knowing her I experienced my first “episode” from her. AS was not part of my vocabulary at that time and in fact, I’ve only come to realize she is likely an Aspie in her mid 40’s in the past two weeks.

The episodes were consistent from the start of our relationship. I had never experienced anything like these episodes that would steadily become more and more standard as time went on. I was shocked and taken aback by the cruelty and delivery of things she would say to me. But I stayed the course. I experienced her first multi-day shutdown before I knew her for two months. Anyway, I’m sure most of you have heard my story countless times. I’ve tried to self- diagnose her for a couple years now, bouncing in and out of notions such as possible ADHD, OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, etc.

The “break through” occurred a couple weeks ago when I decided to google “why does my girlfriend only have sex when she’s drunk”, and different variations of that such as “why does my girlfriend avoid morning sex or sober sex”.

Almost every search return contained the acronym ASD. So I started to delve deeper into that acronym and the world I live in started to come into true focus. It wasn’t until I wrote these words down to express how she made me feel, then subsequently used these words to search deeper into this ASD thing. Here is what I wrote down before I even understood what AS or ASD even is, just a couple weeks ago:

“How I feel

• I don’t feel any empathy from you toward me. You get defensive about many things I try to talk about or just say although I’m not trying to be bossy, a know it all, or demeaning
• I feel marginalized and invalidated by you. Examples of what I mean:

* You seem to deliberately despise the notion of my accomplishments

* You seem annoyed if I receive a compliment

* You hush me and/or speak down to me in front of others

* You never compliment me on anything

* You never recognize my service to our country

* But you recognize everyone else’s

* You get annoyed when I speak to you while the television is going

* You don’t think I’m important enough to notify me about your plans

* I usually find out at the last second

* I can honestly say you hurt my feelings in some way, everyday

* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

* You never appear to appreciate anything I do

* I could go on but this makes the point

• You show me no affection. None. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay

* I’ve stopped trying because I feel rejected, unattractive and it’s awkward now

* We have no sex life anymore. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay if you don’t

* In over 2 years we’ve maybe had sober sex a couple dozen times

* And now that you’ve stopped drinking, I worried how it would impact our sex life... That reckoning is now...

* I worry that after I help and participate through your recovery, someone else will get to enjoy the new, sober, renewed, and improved, *her name ommitted*, while I fade away

* You can’t tolerate me. You can’t control you’re disdain toward me. I can see you try sometimes but you fail when you try

* You don’t even know me inside

* You control 100% of our relationship

* We both want more space apart from each other. A slow death...

* I don’t feel like I can be myself because I’m afraid it’s the real me that makes me intolerable to you.

* I don’t get the feeling you’re thrilled to be in the world with me anymore


So what the f#*@ are we doing?”

Keep in mind, I wrote these words to her just a couple weeks ago, before I started to equate them with possible Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome. It’s noteworty that she got angry when I presented these words to her. She shutdown on me for 3 days. She’s in completely denial so I’m not sure if she’s undiagnosed which appears to be common in adult women with AS, or she’s not being honest with me.

I’ll stop here for the sake of brevity and leave this thread open for input and comment. But I’ll leave this last comment; I’m almost 100% certain she’s an Aspie now that I’ve had a couple weeks to research more and I’m almost ready to walk away from our relationship now. Especially if she’s remains closed to discussing the obvious Elephant in our Room...

I’m not sure what my goal is by being here. I’m just lonely and desperate I guess.

Hello RGR. Welcome to this forum. I am sorry you have been treated this way. I personally would get out of that toxic relationship as she has far too many issues, and you seem to be getting nothing much out of it. She seems ungrateful, disrespectful, does not care, and even if she did care, it does no good if you cannot see it.

It does look like whatever condition she has, she appears to be controlling, abusive, manipulative, self-centered and selfish, and either consciously or subconsciously trying to annoy you, with her words, actions or inactions. From what you said, she is showing more signs and symptoms of like passive aggressive personality, and not necessarily ASD.

Regardless what condition(s) she has, it it really worth all your efforts and sacrifices to be with someone like that? There are lots of women who would daily treat you as an equal partner deserving of love and respect. Being with someone means nothing if they have little to offer, and if your identity, self esteem, and sanity is being lost from that other.

 

[RGR]

ASD/AS seems to be a likely reality the more I contemplate and research. She’s rife with sensory sensitivity. She smells anything and everything. She can’t handle certain sounds. Almost like Misophonia. Chewing and talking sends her into a rage, etc.

She strongly exhibits obsessive interests and routines. She cruel in her bluntness and criticism.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s time to move on. She doesn’t think anything is wrong on her end. Just mine...

 

[MrSpock]

If you're lonely you're in good company here.

Asperger's presents differently in each individual, also differently in males and females. I am male, but have seem many posts from females on here, and it seems to me that most of what you write has little if anything to do with being an aspie. I would expect that many aspies who read your post would consider it rather hostile. There is plenty of misleading information out there regarding aspies, much of it written by hostile neurotypicals (NTs, people not on the autistic spectrum) with axes to grind or who benefit directly or indirectly by making others in their lives look worse. You could easily find many people willing to associate all kinds of negative traits with their exes, and if they have a widely misunderstood condition it follows that many would associate those negative traits with that condition by themselves and might be so very easily led down that path by another with an agenda.

The following from your list might fairly describe me:
* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

This doesn't seem to be universal, but does seem to apply to aspies more so than to the general population.

I, and a great many of us, have issues when it comes to communicating with NTs regarding emotional and social things. I am in a sense blind, I lack some of the hard-wiring that is normal. I don't pick up on the emotional state of others reliably, nor do I interpret hints reliably among other things. This is a two-way street, others cannot interpret my emotional state reliably (although some believe that they can, and perhaps their ability to do so part of the time contributes to this illusion) and they may falsely believe that I have understood hints that I have not understood. If I believe that a person is hinting in a conversation and I care enough to attempt interpretation I may tentatively assume a hint where there is none. I can attempt to recreate what I cannot see, but I will still be blind. If you're not so very literal and straightforward with me USING WORDS, not words plus body language plus facial expression which requires integration and interpretation, then I cannot know where I stand. I will not accuse you of intentional deception (I'm 50 and know better by now) but the effect on our relationship will be the same - I cannot rely on what you say, and you may as well be lying.

A great number of the items on your list could conceivably be the result of poor communication, and I cannot assess blame there. I might note that it would take effort on both your parts, and that you will likely have started by assuming that you have common frames of reference where none exist, you must both be willing to build them together.

Almost all of the rest of the items could be put down to damage caused by a lack of communication. But then she may just be an a**hole, with or without autism.

* I worry that after I help and participate through your recovery, someone else will get to enjoy the new, sober, renewed, and improved, *her name ommitted*, while I fade away...

* You don’t even know me inside

I, an aspie, have just gone through this with an NT woman, roles reversed. So your position is not necessarily so much to do with aspieness as it is to do with being a guy who really liked a woman who needed help, and you gave her that. I found it exhausting and stressful, but I have also learned a lot from it, one of those things being that I have Asperger's!

If your situation was really as you have presented it you might take solace in the idea that you're capable of loving someone properly even when they can't reciprocate, and that you're therefore capable of forming a good, true and lasting relationship with the right person when she does show up. It might seem easier now than it would have otherwise, you ought to appreciate it that much more. Good luck to you.

 

[owlet]

It's difficult to say without insight into how you approach her. You may think you're coming across a particular way, but you may not be (she may see you as demanding attention or respect, based on the list you wrote). Like I said, it's difficult without that information.

Personally, I think the list was a bad idea. If someone had an issue with me, but only fully communicated it through a long list of everything I was doing wrong, I'd be hurt and not really want to be around them much, seeing as they basically said it was all my fault. I understand why you did it, but in future it would be better to bring things up as they happen and to let go the small things (like about you serving your country).

You also now have some understanding of the condition and it's up to you whether you feel able to make compromises in certain areas to support her. You can try to have calm discussions about how she could phrase things in a way that wouldn't hurt you and about her doing things that make you feel bad. But maybe a general discussion would help you both, as she may not intend to hurt you at all (and after the list, she may feel hurt you would think she's trying to hurt you). I'm bringing up a hypothetical for her side, because I have no idea, based on what you've said. Regardless, clear communication is probably the biggest part of any relationship.

 

[Bolletje]

Regardless of whether she is on the spectrum or not, she sounds narcissistic and your relationship sounds toxic and (borderline) abusive. I wouldn’t be so quick to label her behavior as being caused by autism. I see a lot of red flags that don’t necessarily come with the spectrum. Plenty of people on the spectrum are capable of being loving and supportive in a relationship, of having a fulfilling sex life while sober, of being an equal partner in every way.
I’d take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. What would you say to a friend if he told you his girlfriend treated him like this?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

ASD/AS seems to be a likely reality the more I contemplate and research. She’s rife with sensory sensitivity. She smells anything and everything. She can’t handle certain sounds. Almost like Misophonia. Chewing and talking sends her into a rage, etc.

She strongly exhibits obsessive interests and routines. She cruel in her bluntness and criticism.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s time to move on. She doesn’t think anything is wrong on her end. Just mine...

Yes, I think I would not put up with cruelty regardless of her reason or condition. Your original post did not mention those sensory issues or obsessions, so now that you did mention such, I see better your position of your belief of a certain condition. Again, I think that may not be too relevant though. It may explain things, but it will not solve things. It seems like a one sided relationship, and one where it is certainly does not seem a fit because of that negativity, apathy and lack of care and flexibility shown from the other.

 

[RGR]

It's difficult to say without insight into how you approach her. You may think you're coming across a particular way, but you may not be (she may see you as demanding attention or respect, based on the list you wrote). Like I said, it's difficult without that information.

Personally, I think the list was a bad idea. If someone had an issue with me, but only fully communicated it through a long list of everything I was doing wrong, I'd be hurt and not really want to be around them much, seeing as they basically said it was all my fault. I understand why you did it, but in future it would be better to bring things up as they happen and to let go the small things (like about you serving your country).

You also now have some understanding of the condition and it's up to you whether you feel able to make compromises in certain areas to support her. You can try to have calm discussions about how she could phrase things in a way that wouldn't hurt you and about her doing things that make you feel bad. But maybe a general discussion would help you both, as she may not intend to hurt you at all (and after the list, she may feel hurt you would think she's trying to hurt you). I'm bringing up a hypothetical for her side, because I have no idea, based on what you've said. Regardless, clear communication is probably the biggest part of any relationship.

This is all fair. I’m here, in this place, because the state of our relationship is coming to a head with me so I try to stay grounded with the possibility that I need to stay calm rather than upset.

I’m so confused but in love. I’m not sure what to do. Walking away is the right thing to do. I know it in my heart. But I need the courage.

 

[RGR]

If you're lonely you're in good company here.

Asperger's presents differently in each individual, also differently in males and females. I am male, but have seem many posts from females on here, and it seems to me that most of what you write has little if anything to do with being an aspie. I would expect that many aspies who read your post would consider it rather hostile. There is plenty of misleading information out there regarding aspies, much of it written by hostile neurotypicals (NTs, people not on the autistic spectrum) with axes to grind or who benefit directly or indirectly by making others in their lives look worse. You could easily find many people willing to associate all kinds of negative traits with their exes, and if they have a widely misunderstood condition it follows that many would associate those negative traits with that condition by themselves and might be so very easily led down that path by another with an agenda.

The following from your list might fairly describe me:
* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

This doesn't seem to be universal, but does seem to apply to aspies more so than to the general population.

I, and a great many of us, have issues when it comes to communicating with NTs regarding emotional and social things. I am in a sense blind, I lack some of the hard-wiring that is normal. I don't pick up on the emotional state of others reliably, nor do I interpret hints reliably among other things. This is a two-way street, others cannot interpret my emotional state reliably (although some believe that they can, and perhaps their ability to do so part of the time contributes to this illusion) and they may falsely believe that I have understood hints that I have not understood. If I believe that a person is hinting in a conversation and I care enough to attempt interpretation I may tentatively assume a hint where there is none. I can attempt to recreate what I cannot see, but I will still be blind. If you're not so very literal and straightforward with me USING WORDS, not words plus body language plus facial expression which requires integration and interpretation, then I cannot know where I stand. I will not accuse you of intentional deception (I'm 50 and know better by now) but the effect on our relationship will be the same - I cannot rely on what you say, and you may as well be lying.

A great number of the items on your list could conceivably be the result of poor communication, and I cannot assess blame there. I might note that it would take effort on both your parts, and that you will likely have started by assuming that you have common frames of reference where none exist, you must both be willing to build them together.

Almost all of the rest of the items could be put down to damage caused by a lack of communication. But then she may just be an a**hole, with or without autism.




I, an aspie, have just gone through this with an NT woman, roles reversed. So your position is not necessarily so much to do with aspieness as it is to do with being a guy who really liked a woman who needed help, and you gave her that. I found it exhausting and stressful, but I have also learned a lot from it, one of those things being that I have Asperger's!

If your situation was really as you have presented it you might take solace in the idea that you're capable of loving someone properly even when they can't reciprocate, and that you're therefore capable of forming a good, true and lasting relationship with the right person when she does show up. It might seem easier now than it would have otherwise, you ought to appreciate it that much more. Good luck to you.

This is all fair and valid...

 

[Tom]

Dating and Relationship Advice - $7,500.00
Long Distance Autism Diagnosis - $89,999.00

 

[RGR]

Regardless of whether she is on the spectrum or not, she sounds narcissistic and your relationship sounds toxic and (borderline) abusive. I wouldn’t be so quick to label her behavior as being caused by autism. I see a lot of red flags that don’t necessarily come with the spectrum. Plenty of people on the spectrum are capable of being loving and supportive in a relationship, of having a fulfilling sex life while sober, of being an equal partner in every way.
I’d take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. What would you say to a friend if he told you his girlfriend treated him like this?

Thank you for your input

 

[RGR]

Dating and Relationship Advice - $7,500.00
Long Distance Autism Diagnosis - $89,999.00

Haha!

 

[RGR]

She sounds narcissistic.
Controlling, lack of empathy, self-involved,
devalues others.....


https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism

That was interesting reading

 

[owlet]

This is all fair. I’m here, in this place, because the state of our relationship is coming to a head with me so I try to stay grounded with the possibility that I need to stay calm rather than upset.

I’m so confused but in love. I’m not sure what to do. Walking away is the right thing to do. I know it in my heart. But I need the courage.

That's fair. If you feel the need to walk away, then I think doing it as soon as possible would be a good idea. There's no sense in drawing things out unless you're wanting to work out a way to improve the relationship (in which case my advice would be clear communication).

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Walking away is the right thing to do. I know it in my heart. But I need the courage.[/QUOTE]

How do you think she would react if you left? Happy, angry, apathy, etc? If happy, cool. It makes leaving easier. If angry, she can go punch a wall and criticize the wall after you left, instead of you. If apathy, well the relationship wasnt really a relationship at all, as one of two sides was never likely into it emotionally.

Without children involved, which I am assuming, it would seem leaving could perhaps be easier. She could live alone if able, or with her mom or dad or friend. In either case, do not feel guilt, as she would likely not if she left you, and as you tried very hard and were too patient if anything. So, the fact she showed regular hate and disinterest in you during the relationship should make things easier.

 

[Pinecones]

This sounds way more like abuse, control, and narcissism than AS signs. Most of what you described, short of sexuality obviously, describe my mother...

Maybe a good step here would be to evaluate her less, evaluate your relationship less (you'd done plenty of both), and instead evaluate your boundaries. So many of these signs and behaviors would violate my boundaries if I was in your shoes. Call em red flags, if you will. A partner should treat you with respect and love, not emotionally manipulate you. That's toxic. If it were me I'd be out in a hurry. Exercise some new healthy boundaries when you start dating again! Expect to be treated with the same respect and love that you treat your partner, or potential partner!

Just my $.02!