New here, I’m an NT who is now certain my girlfriend is an Aspie

[Pinecones]

Okay, I want to ad:
EVEN IF- even if she has AS or is on the spectrum, that DOES NOT excuse abusive behavior. Diagnosis, in my opinion, are explanations that help give insight and lead to growth, NOT excuses for toxic behavior.

 

[Diane]

I’m so confused but in love. I’m not sure what to do. Walking away is the right thing to do. I know it in my heart. But I need the courage.

Those few sentences alone say you might need to start thinking about *you*.

If you don't make a move you may find yourself further and further into it and more and more miserable.

Whether you're correct about her having AS or not may not be what's important right now, not so much as recognizing what's happening to you, and stepping away from it.

Just my 2 cents but as soon as I read that you know it's right but you need the courage, even in the face of the abuse you're suffering, to me that's kind of a sign in itself that it's time to take care of you...

I do have to chime in with others here and say it sure sounds like something other AS, or at least not AS alone.

I recently divorced my narcissistic husband after 25 years of marriage. I'm on the spectrum myself. What you described is my ex, not me. He's so narcissistic, and so convincing, that he convinced a therapist, in one sit-down, that I'm the narcissist.

Never mind that none of my own counselors over 30 years ever saw me as narcissistic. Lots and lots of other things but never narcissistic.

Please take care of yourself. Something taught in the "different-abilities" world is that you can't help others until you've made sure first that you're taken care of.

Pretty much any and all caretakers (moms/dads/family/friends/etc.) will tell you they're all aware of that hard lesson (about needing to take care of yourself first), and also that many of us still have *not* learned that lesson, we go and go until we drop. Don't let that happen to you.

And maybe think about a counselor for yourself depending on how you're feeling. Just in case this relationship has done some damage that could become permanent.

Time to care for you.

 

[ilovetochat87]

I agree that does sound like Aspergers a.k.a AS but I think it's more on the lower side of Asperger's. More falling toward the autism side. It's very common to hav trouble with communicating as not knowing how and when you feel scared and you don't know how to explain that you're scared you shut down . Or you feel like something isn't fair sometimes you shut down. Sometimes we feel like other people have accomplishments that we can't get because we have something wrong with us and we question why God made us that way it's not fair it's not easy being us when everybody else around us doesn't have a problem and they get to go to college and they get to drive and they get to have kids when we arent smart enough to go to college because we didn't do so well in high school to begin with and because of that will never get the right kind of job or a good enough job and we question it's not fair that I have to have trouble with driving and I'm never get to do that and I'm limited to the things I can do in life when everybody else gets to just drive everywhere and have a life etc. etc. and we question and we wonder and we fret about the small things when instead we need to be grateful for what we have and not be jealous of the fact that the grass may be greener on the other side sometimes that's okay we have things we CAN do. We should be proud of that. I don't know if she is jealous of the fact that you've accomplished certain things and she knows there's something different with her and she's afraid to admit it and therefore she shuts down and doesn't except ur accomplishments because she's jealous that she can't do accomplishments that way or stuff like that I don't know. It's a possibility but at the same time it is said that people on the spectrum do not have the capability of knowing empathy or sympathy therefore when someone is sad we might just stare at them and wonder why are they sad when I go through that situation I'm not sad and we don't really get it or when a family member dies everybody in the room is bawling their eyes out and we just sit there not really processing that that's a sad thing or why it should be sad because again we are supposedly without empathy and therefore when somebody has a sad day we don't know what to do. I was 16 that we figured it out because at that point the disability was being a little bit more well-known whereas it wasn't before and that's the only reason that we started to pick up on it and got me diagnosed. the rest of my life I was very picked on and we didn't know why and my mom kept shifting me between schools and homeschooling to figure out what's the best option and I'm a huge advocate for people being picked on I know what it's like and I feel so bad for them it's not fair and I always want to help anybody that doesn't know how to handle the disability let me tell you what I've been through let me tell you how I've come to where I'm at hopefully that helps you and it makes me feel good to help others but that's not always the case I'm a rare case in that. Most of the time people on the spectrum have little to no empathy/sympathy because they can't they don't know. I had to learn different things and once I understood then I was like wow I knew that but I didn't know how to express that I didn't know how to show people that. wasn't a lack of empath by any means it was a lack of how do I show people how I feel without being so dramatic about it because when I get extra dramatic that's when people feel that I'm just an A-hole and I only care about myself and I have to show people I'm sad because my feelings are hurt I'm not being selfish and having a pity party I'm being an average human being an average Joe eco got their feelings hurt and I have the right to cry. It in no way means that I am only caring about my feelings. how do I show you that without you thinking that I'm being non-empathetic and only caring about myself? and I had to learn how to do that because I didn't know how to do that. and that's a very difficult thing fo your girlfriend to do and she may be on the lower side of the spectrum where she cannot do that and may not be able to do that even if showed. Sometimes they just can't they don't know how it's too hard and it takes too much time and they don't want to go through that trouble. it's not worth it because they don't think that it is they don't think that they're ever going to do anything different so why bother. Because they have vary low thoughts of themself . As a kid I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because I picked up on that real early I'm not like the other kids the other kids always stare at me and yell at me or hit me there's always something I must be different but then as I got older and older it occurred to me maybe I'm not the stupid one maybe I'm just fine and everybody else has a problem and from a kids perspective you can see how that makes sense but that doesn't make any sense. and I always just gave up trying in life because it wasn't easy and made-up imaginary people to talk to. not easy it's not fair and then when I got diagnosed I was told I can't and I won't be able to and I won't want to because life is gonna be hard for me and I'm socially behind for my age I gave up I was like well that's even worse . And so when everything seemed to be hard for me I used the excuse I can't because I have this . And I had to learn that I have feelings and it's okay to express them but does not mean that I'm not empathetic. I had to be happy for who I was and stop being upset about what Im lacking. I'm grateful for what I have. And I'm grateful for what I can do and I don't focus on the things I cannot do. But here's the thing I got diagnosed early enough in life that I had lots of time to think about these things. I had plenty of time in high school after being diagnosed to take classes during free period. Here's the deal thoughyour girlfriend is what 40? She hasn't had any of the experiences I've hadshe never went throughsomeone helping her showing her teaching hershe never learned she has a problem. I learned I have an issue and here's what you can do about itand I spent most of my life in that setting you have a problem do about itand your girlfriend did notthe way she was and she just thought that was normalbecause she didn't know that it wasn't.Andit's difficultfor people when they're older and set in their ways to hear that what they've been doing isn't normal. It can be very difficult for someone on the spectrum when they are older to except the way that they were living is not normal or is different than they've always thought and she may get offended. that's a very typical thing and you know what if you're gonna spend your whole life trying to make her happy and she doesn't want it she's gonna shut down and not try then you can no longer continue because it's pointless and going nowhere you might say I can't do this physically with you but I can help you from afar the best that I can but I can't be party to this because I love myself and I respect myself and I deserve better. and that may be what you have to do.

 

[Lady Lucifer]

Its possible thats she is an aspie. Its possible that she is a narcissit. Mabey even BPD. Or even antisocial personality disorder. But I can definitaly see a drinking problem. The only thing you can do is suggest counseling. I'm pretty sure most of us on this forums aren't doctors and the best way to evaluate her if she is willing and yo have a person who you can see.

Dating and Relationship Advice - $7,500.00
Long Distance Autism Diagnosis - $89,999.00

A happy relationship? Priceless. Mastercard

 

[NotYou]

As a female aspire I think her issues are less about being someone with ASD and more because she is an addict. Someone else said they just went through this with a NT person, roles reversed and I also just got out of a relationship like this. He was a meth addict/alcoholic/possible but undiagnosed sociopath/narcissist. Also I think aspies get a bad rap with "lack of empathy" I think, and I've heard it from other aspies over and over that we probably feel MORE empathy than others, and just dont know what to do with it. Or, more likely, it overwhelms us and appears as lack of empathy because our actions are from being overwhelmed.. it isn't that I don't care.

 

[gilstamp]

Hello!

I’m new here. I’m seeking knowledge and feedback from others who know more about AS than I do. As briefly as I can, I’m a man who has been in a relationship with a woman for nearly 2.5 years now. Within the first month of knowing her I experienced my first “episode” from her. AS was not part of my vocabulary at that time and in fact, I’ve only come to realize she is likely an Aspie in her mid 40’s in the past two weeks.

The episodes were consistent from the start of our relationship. I had never experienced anything like these episodes that would steadily become more and more standard as time went on. I was shocked and taken aback by the cruelty and delivery of things she would say to me. But I stayed the course. I experienced her first multi-day shutdown before I knew her for two months. Anyway, I’m sure most of you have heard my story countless times. I’ve tried to self- diagnose her for a couple years now, bouncing in and out of notions such as possible ADHD, OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, etc.

The “break through” occurred a couple weeks ago when I decided to google “why does my girlfriend only have sex when she’s drunk”, and different variations of that such as “why does my girlfriend avoid morning sex or sober sex”.

Almost every search return contained the acronym ASD. So I started to delve deeper into that acronym and the world I live in started to come into true focus. It wasn’t until I wrote these words down to express how she made me feel, then subsequently used these words to search deeper into this ASD thing. Here is what I wrote down before I even understood what AS or ASD even is, just a couple weeks ago:

“How I feel

• I don’t feel any empathy from you toward me. You get defensive about many things I try to talk about or just say although I’m not trying to be bossy, a know it all, or demeaning
• I feel marginalized and invalidated by you. Examples of what I mean:

* You seem to deliberately despise the notion of my accomplishments

* You seem annoyed if I receive a compliment

* You hush me and/or speak down to me in front of others

* You never compliment me on anything

* You never recognize my service to our country

* But you recognize everyone else’s

* You get annoyed when I speak to you while the television is going

* You don’t think I’m important enough to notify me about your plans

* I usually find out at the last second

* I can honestly say you hurt my feelings in some way, everyday

* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

* You never appear to appreciate anything I do

* I could go on but this makes the point

• You show me no affection. None. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay

* I’ve stopped trying because I feel rejected, unattractive and it’s awkward now

* We have no sex life anymore. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay if you don’t

* In over 2 years we’ve maybe had sober sex a couple dozen times

* And now that you’ve stopped drinking, I worried how it would impact our sex life... That reckoning is now...

* I worry that after I help and participate through your recovery, someone else will get to enjoy the new, sober, renewed, and improved, *her name ommitted*, while I fade away

* You can’t tolerate me. You can’t control you’re disdain toward me. I can see you try sometimes but you fail when you try

* You don’t even know me inside

* You control 100% of our relationship

* We both want more space apart from each other. A slow death...

* I don’t feel like I can be myself because I’m afraid it’s the real me that makes me intolerable to you.

* I don’t get the feeling you’re thrilled to be in the world with me anymore


So what the f#*@ are we doing?”

Keep in mind, I wrote these words to her just a couple weeks ago, before I started to equate them with possible Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome. It’s noteworty that she got angry when I presented these words to her. She shutdown on me for 3 days. She’s in completely denial so I’m not sure if she’s undiagnosed which appears to be common in adult women with AS, or she’s not being honest with me.

I’ll stop here for the sake of brevity and leave this thread open for input and comment. But I’ll leave this last comment; I’m almost 100% certain she’s an Aspie now that I’ve had a couple weeks to research more and I’m almost ready to walk away from our relationship now. Especially if she’s remains closed to discussing the obvious Elephant in our Room...

I’m not sure what my goal is by being here. I’m just lonely and desperate I guess.

RGR, post: 534577, member: 20530:

This is more like borderline personality disorder which my psychologist recognised immediately when I described similar behaviour which to which I have been subjected. Assumptions such as you have come to give Aspergers a bad name when all we can be accused of is awkward social interaction because we cannot know the NT mind.

Your girlfriend will never be able to recognise her own behaviour, be prepared to admit to it or accept therapy for it. It often results from early bad experiences, similar to PTSD except with the opposite result, being ready to fight rather than retire when triggered by circumstances which remind the person of the traumatic events. It will be vital for her to have a close relationship, even though it involves appearing to reject the partner. To this extent, you could be sympathetic to some degree, but it is rarely worth the pain of extended relationship.

You must choose and be prepared for a very aggressive response if you break it off as this will hurt her more than you can know.

 

[RGR]

Walking away is the right thing to do. I know it in my heart. But I need the courage.

How do you think she would react if you left? Happy, angry, apathy, etc? If happy, cool. It makes leaving easier. If angry, she can go punch a wall and criticize the wall after you left, instead of you. If apathy, well the relationship wasnt really a relationship at all, as one of two sides was never likely into it emotionally.

Without children involved, which I am assuming, it would seem leaving could perhaps be easier. She could live alone if able, or with her mom or dad or friend. In either case, do not feel guilt, as she would likely not if she left you, and as you tried very hard and were too patient if anything. So, the fact she showed regular hate and disinterest in you during the relationship should make things easier.[/QUOTE]
Yup, no children. As far as how she might react? It’s possible she could demonstrate all the responses you mentioned. Maybe add more such as remorse (briefly) or regret (briefly). It could all be park of her mask.

 

[RGR]

As a female aspire I think her issues are less about being someone with ASD and more because she is an addict. Someone else said they just went through this with a NT person, roles reversed and I also just got out of a relationship like this. He was a meth addict/alcoholic/possible but undiagnosed sociopath/narcissist. Also I think aspies get a bad rap with "lack of empathy" I think, and I've heard it from other aspies over and over that we probably feel MORE empathy than others, and just dont know what to do with it. Or, more likely, it overwhelms us and appears as lack of empathy because our actions are from being overwhelmed.. it isn't that I don't care.

Thanks for your input. It’s possible you’re correct.

Honestly, I think it soothes me to think I may have a diagnosis of some sort because it makes me feel like she has a clinical reason to be how she can be rather than just disdain toward me...

 

[RGR]

This sounds way more like abuse, control, and narcissism than AS signs. Most of what you described, short of sexuality obviously, describe my mother...

Maybe a good step here would be to evaluate her less, evaluate your relationship less (you'd done plenty of both), and instead evaluate your boundaries. So many of these signs and behaviors would violate my boundaries if I was in your shoes. Call em red flags, if you will. A partner should treat you with respect and love, not emotionally manipulate you. That's toxic. If it were me I'd be out in a hurry. Exercise some new healthy boundaries when you start dating again! Expect to be treated with the same respect and love that you treat your partner, or potential partner!

Just my $.02!

You may be on to something

 

[RGR]

RGR, post: 534577, member: 20530:

This is more like borderline personality disorder which my psychologist recognised immediately when I described similar behaviour which to which I have been subjected. Assumptions such as you have come to give Aspergers a bad name when all we can be accused of is awkward social interaction because we cannot know the NT mind.

Your girlfriend will never be able to recognise her own behaviour, be prepared to admit to it or accept therapy for it. It often results from early bad experiences, similar to PTSD except with the opposite result, being ready to fight rather than retire when triggered by circumstances which remind the person of the traumatic events. It will be vital for her to have a close relationship, even though it involves appearing to reject the partner. To this extent, you could be sympathetic to some degree, but it is rarely worth the pain of extended relationship.

You must choose and be prepared for a very aggressive response if you break it off as this will hurt her more than you can know.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I understand your last remark. I recall a comment she made when we first met 2.5 years ago. “I hope I don't mess this one up”. That comment gave me pause back then. I clearly remember this comment.

 

[RGR]

This sounds way more like abuse, control, and narcissism than AS signs. Most of what you described, short of sexuality obviously, describe my mother...

Maybe a good step here would be to evaluate her less, evaluate your relationship less (you'd done plenty of both), and instead evaluate your boundaries. So many of these signs and behaviors would violate my boundaries if I was in your shoes. Call em red flags, if you will. A partner should treat you with respect and love, not emotionally manipulate you. That's toxic. If it were me I'd be out in a hurry. Exercise some new healthy boundaries when you start dating again! Expect to be treated with the same respect and love that you treat your partner, or potential partner!

Just my $.02!

Well said and appreciated!

 

[RGR]

Okay, I want to ad:
EVEN IF- even if she has AS or is on the spectrum, that DOES NOT excuse abusive behavior. Diagnosis, in my opinion, are explanations that help give insight and lead to growth, NOT excuses for toxic behavior.

Thank you!

 

[RGR]

Those few sentences alone say you might need to start thinking about *you*.

If you don't make a move you may find yourself further and further into it and more and more miserable.

Whether you're correct about her having AS or not may not be what's important right now, not so much as recognizing what's happening to you, and stepping away from it.

Just my 2 cents but as soon as I read that you know it's right but you need the courage, even in the face of the abuse you're suffering, to me that's kind of a sign in itself that it's time to take care of you...

I do have to chime in with others here and say it sure sounds like something other AS, or at least not AS alone.

I recently divorced my narcissistic husband after 25 years of marriage. I'm on the spectrum myself. What you described is my ex, not me. He's so narcissistic, and so convincing, that he convinced a therapist, in one sit-down, that I'm the narcissist.

Never mind that none of my own counselors over 30 years ever saw me as narcissistic. Lots and lots of other things but never narcissistic.

Please take care of yourself. Something taught in the "different-abilities" world is that you can't help others until you've made sure first that you're taken care of.

Pretty much any and all caretakers (moms/dads/family/friends/etc.) will tell you they're all aware of that hard lesson (about needing to take care of yourself first), and also that many of us still have *not* learned that lesson, we go and go until we drop. Don't let that happen to you.

And maybe think about a counselor for yourself depending on how you're feeling. Just in case this relationship has done some damage that could become permanent.

Time to care for you.

I think you’re right

 

[RGR]

I agree that does sound like Aspergers a.k.a AS but I think it's more on the lower side of Asperger's. More falling toward the autism side. It's very common to hav trouble with communicating as not knowing how and when you feel scared and you don't know how to explain that you're scared you shut down . Or you feel like something isn't fair sometimes you shut down. Sometimes we feel like other people have accomplishments that we can't get because we have something wrong with us and we question why God made us that way it's not fair it's not easy being us when everybody else around us doesn't have a problem and they get to go to college and they get to drive and they get to have kids when we arent smart enough to go to college because we didn't do so well in high school to begin with and because of that will never get the right kind of job or a good enough job and we question it's not fair that I have to have trouble with driving and I'm never get to do that and I'm limited to the things I can do in life when everybody else gets to just drive everywhere and have a life etc. etc. and we question and we wonder and we fret about the small things when instead we need to be grateful for what we have and not be jealous of the fact that the grass may be greener on the other side sometimes that's okay we have things we CAN do. We should be proud of that. I don't know if she is jealous of the fact that you've accomplished certain things and she knows there's something different with her and she's afraid to admit it and therefore she shuts down and doesn't except ur accomplishments because she's jealous that she can't do accomplishments that way or stuff like that I don't know. It's a possibility but at the same time it is said that people on the spectrum do not have the capability of knowing empathy or sympathy therefore when someone is sad we might just stare at them and wonder why are they sad when I go through that situation I'm not sad and we don't really get it or when a family member dies everybody in the room is bawling their eyes out and we just sit there not really processing that that's a sad thing or why it should be sad because again we are supposedly without empathy and therefore when somebody has a sad day we don't know what to do. I was 16 that we figured it out because at that point the disability was being a little bit more well-known whereas it wasn't before and that's the only reason that we started to pick up on it and got me diagnosed. the rest of my life I was very picked on and we didn't know why and my mom kept shifting me between schools and homeschooling to figure out what's the best option and I'm a huge advocate for people being picked on I know what it's like and I feel so bad for them it's not fair and I always want to help anybody that doesn't know how to handle the disability let me tell you what I've been through let me tell you how I've come to where I'm at hopefully that helps you and it makes me feel good to help others but that's not always the case I'm a rare case in that. Most of the time people on the spectrum have little to no empathy/sympathy because they can't they don't know. I had to learn different things and once I understood then I was like wow I knew that but I didn't know how to express that I didn't know how to show people that. wasn't a lack of empath by any means it was a lack of how do I show people how I feel without being so dramatic about it because when I get extra dramatic that's when people feel that I'm just an A-hole and I only care about myself and I have to show people I'm sad because my feelings are hurt I'm not being selfish and having a pity party I'm being an average human being an average Joe eco got their feelings hurt and I have the right to cry. It in no way means that I am only caring about my feelings. how do I show you that without you thinking that I'm being non-empathetic and only caring about myself? and I had to learn how to do that because I didn't know how to do that. and that's a very difficult thing fo your girlfriend to do and she may be on the lower side of the spectrum where she cannot do that and may not be able to do that even if showed. Sometimes they just can't they don't know how it's too hard and it takes too much time and they don't want to go through that trouble. it's not worth it because they don't think that it is they don't think that they're ever going to do anything different so why bother. Because they have vary low thoughts of themself . As a kid I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because I picked up on that real early I'm not like the other kids the other kids always stare at me and yell at me or hit me there's always something I must be different but then as I got older and older it occurred to me maybe I'm not the stupid one maybe I'm just fine and everybody else has a problem and from a kids perspective you can see how that makes sense but that doesn't make any sense. and I always just gave up trying in life because it wasn't easy and made-up imaginary people to talk to. not easy it's not fair and then when I got diagnosed I was told I can't and I won't be able to and I won't want to because life is gonna be hard for me and I'm socially behind for my age I gave up I was like well that's even worse . And so when everything seemed to be hard for me I used the excuse I can't because I have this . And I had to learn that I have feelings and it's okay to express them but does not mean that I'm not empathetic. I had to be happy for who I was and stop being upset about what Im lacking. I'm grateful for what I have. And I'm grateful for what I can do and I don't focus on the things I cannot do. But here's the thing I got diagnosed early enough in life that I had lots of time to think about these things. I had plenty of time in high school after being diagnosed to take classes during free period. Here's the deal thoughyour girlfriend is what 40? She hasn't had any of the experiences I've hadshe never went throughsomeone helping her showing her teaching hershe never learned she has a problem. I learned I have an issue and here's what you can do about itand I spent most of my life in that setting you have a problem do about itand your girlfriend did notthe way she was and she just thought that was normalbecause she didn't know that it wasn't.Andit's difficultfor people when they're older and set in their ways to hear that what they've been doing isn't normal. It can be very difficult for someone on the spectrum when they are older to except the way that they were living is not normal or is different than they've always thought and she may get offended. that's a very typical thing and you know what if you're gonna spend your whole life trying to make her happy and she doesn't want it she's gonna shut down and not try then you can no longer continue because it's pointless and going nowhere you might say I can't do this physically with you but I can help you from afar the best that I can but I can't be party to this because I love myself and I respect myself and I deserve better. and that may be what you have to do.

Excellent info and I appreciate user the detail. Lots to absorb!

 

[BraidedPony]

Whatever her diagnosis, she won’t change. That is hard to accept, but if she has no insight then she has no foundation for change and growth.
You, on the other hand, are a thoughtful person with good comminication skills. I would hate to see you stuck with someone that will never appreciate you when you could find a loving partner to spend your mature years with.

 

[RGR]

Whatever her diagnosis, she won’t change. That is hard to accept, but if she has no insight then she has no foundation for change and growth.
You, on the other hand, are a thoughtful person with good comminication skills. I would hate to see you stuck with someone that will never appreciate you when you could find a loving partner to spend your mature years with.

Simple but to the point. Thank you!

 

[tducey]

Doesn't sound good at all. I'd suggest to her to make some changes but if they don't work I'd break it off with her.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hello!

I’m new here. I’m seeking knowledge and feedback from others who know more about AS than I do. As briefly as I can, I’m a man who has been in a relationship with a woman for nearly 2.5 years now. Within the first month of knowing her I experienced my first “episode” from her. AS was not part of my vocabulary at that time and in fact, I’ve only come to realize she is likely an Aspie in her mid 40’s in the past two weeks.

The episodes were consistent from the start of our relationship. I had never experienced anything like these episodes that would steadily become more and more standard as time went on. I was shocked and taken aback by the cruelty and delivery of things she would say to me. But I stayed the course. I experienced her first multi-day shutdown before I knew her for two months. Anyway, I’m sure most of you have heard my story countless times. I’ve tried to self- diagnose her for a couple years now, bouncing in and out of notions such as possible ADHD, OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, etc.

The “break through” occurred a couple weeks ago when I decided to google “why does my girlfriend only have sex when she’s drunk”, and different variations of that such as “why does my girlfriend avoid morning sex or sober sex”.

Almost every search return contained the acronym ASD. So I started to delve deeper into that acronym and the world I live in started to come into true focus. It wasn’t until I wrote these words down to express how she made me feel, then subsequently used these words to search deeper into this ASD thing. Here is what I wrote down before I even understood what AS or ASD even is, just a couple weeks ago:

“How I feel

• I don’t feel any empathy from you toward me. You get defensive about many things I try to talk about or just say although I’m not trying to be bossy, a know it all, or demeaning
• I feel marginalized and invalidated by you. Examples of what I mean:

* You seem to deliberately despise the notion of my accomplishments

* You seem annoyed if I receive a compliment

* You hush me and/or speak down to me in front of others

* You never compliment me on anything

* You never recognize my service to our country

* But you recognize everyone else’s

* You get annoyed when I speak to you while the television is going

* You don’t think I’m important enough to notify me about your plans

* I usually find out at the last second

* I can honestly say you hurt my feelings in some way, everyday

* I have a different set of rules than all other humans in your life

* You never appear to appreciate anything I do

* I could go on but this makes the point

• You show me no affection. None. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay

* I’ve stopped trying because I feel rejected, unattractive and it’s awkward now

* We have no sex life anymore. It’s ok not to feel it but it’s not ok to stay if you don’t

* In over 2 years we’ve maybe had sober sex a couple dozen times

* And now that you’ve stopped drinking, I worried how it would impact our sex life... That reckoning is now...

* I worry that after I help and participate through your recovery, someone else will get to enjoy the new, sober, renewed, and improved, *her name ommitted*, while I fade away

* You can’t tolerate me. You can’t control you’re disdain toward me. I can see you try sometimes but you fail when you try

* You don’t even know me inside

* You control 100% of our relationship

* We both want more space apart from each other. A slow death...

* I don’t feel like I can be myself because I’m afraid it’s the real me that makes me intolerable to you.

* I don’t get the feeling you’re thrilled to be in the world with me anymore


So what the f#*@ are we doing?”

Keep in mind, I wrote these words to her just a couple weeks ago, before I started to equate them with possible Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome. It’s noteworty that she got angry when I presented these words to her. She shutdown on me for 3 days. She’s in completely denial so I’m not sure if she’s undiagnosed which appears to be common in adult women with AS, or she’s not being honest with me.

I’ll stop here for the sake of brevity and leave this thread open for input and comment. But I’ll leave this last comment; I’m almost 100% certain she’s an Aspie now that I’ve had a couple weeks to research more and I’m almost ready to walk away from our relationship now. Especially if she’s remains closed to discussing the obvious Elephant in our Room...

I’m not sure what my goal is by being here. I’m just lonely and desperate I guess.

Hi there.

I came on this forum for support around my relationship with my bf whom we suspect is on the spectrum. I also work in mental health. I can relate to the extensive research you've done because I found myself in the same situation, where I finally came to the conclusion he must have ASD. I have experienced some of the things you wrote, but I think if she is on the spectrum, there are many more issues that are unrelated to ASD.

You used the word "cruel". I understand being on the receiving end of feeling put down or having something stated bluntly that hurts my feelings, but I've never seen my bf have a cruel intention. Anyway, you mention the pancreatitis which sounds like she's been dealing with alcoholism. There's so much more going on than just ASD.

I'm sorry you're in such a painful relationship. It sounds like it's causing you a lot of heartache and pain. It's so hard to let go of a relationship where you've put in so much time and effort.