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New here - insights welcome

Streetwise said:
it's the panic in your questions ,I find it distressing ,I try to shut down if something is distressing .
for me my life is based around being happy or hyperventilating because something distressed me ,like a child at the age when it is an infant but close to being a toddler.
emotions are mind numbingly shattering , just occurred to me autism reminds me of Multiple Sclerosis because the Myelin sheath has been destroyed the persons muscles are extremely sensitive .
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hmm ... I just learned a new perspective Streetwise. Thank you. I wonder, and perhaps you could comment ... how would you prefer to hear of someone's distress when you are in a relationship? I have seen this "shattering" type of thing up close ... when I have shared details concerning something sad that has caused me grief. I hear you say you feel the two ends of the spectrum ... happiness or real distress. Can you help me understand the impact of dealing with difficult information for you in a relationship? Is there a way to impart information that keeps your stress levels lower and also allows the sharing of emotional information?
 
Very interesting and helpful LucyPurrs
Why to repeat that someone loved you if he didn' change...my AS man told me hundreds of times that he loves me...we were saying thus to each other all the time. He didn't mind...it was just part of our conversation...some people would say this is too much but that is how it was with us.

Once we were walking down the market looking at vintage things he loves and I tried scarf. He took the scarf of me, kiss my forehead and said loud so other people could hear: " You don' need scarf. I will be your scarf and keep you warm all the time." It melted my heart. Woman who was manding the stall said to me: " Awww, you are so lucky. I wish I have a man like you. You are very lucky woman. " and I said "I know I am".
 
PATILYN said:
hmm ... I just learned a new perspective Streetwise. Thank you. I wonder, and perhaps you could comment ... how would you prefer to hear of someone's distress when you are in a relationship? I have seen this "shattering" type of thing up close ... when I have shared details concerning something sad that has caused me grief. I hear you say you feel the two ends of the spectrum ... happiness or real distress. Can you help me understand the impact of dealing with difficult information for you in a relationship? Is there a way to impart information that keeps your stress levels lower and also allows the sharing of emotional information?
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it's like everything I don't like spontaneity if it hurts,The thing is you are not autistic !unless he said he's not going to go he will go .
I don't have the emotional maturity to advise someone on how not to be distressed as I said I'm like a child emotionally so what I want is people to just be calm all the time .The problem is what he experienced I haven't experienced so how he copes with distress Will be slightly different from me.
I try to be caring if someone is distressed but I just don't know how to show it emotionally ,I try to mimic it but it feels distressing.
but that's me ,someone else who is autistic may not have suffered what I have suffered ,they may have had a very nurturing childhood where they were taught how to socialise .
 
Mary 1 said:
Thank you Streetwise, appreciated.
So would you take out question completely and I just tell him that I LOVE HIM TRULY? Maybe that would be better approach? What do you think? I would like to let him know that I love him truly despite several days of no communication. He might think I am over and done with him and don't want him any longer.
Any other comments will be greatly welcomed.
Thank you
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what I want is a guarantee, certainty something will definitely happen, nothing distressing will happen! because a lot of neuro typicals and some very few autistic people are verbally abusive! I avoid socialising !which means I don't really leave the house !so I don't have experience of socialising apart from being distressed by it .
 
Streetwise said:
what I want is a guarantee, certainty something will definitely happen, nothing distressing will happen! because a lot of neuro typicals and some very few autistic people are verbally abusive! I avoid socialising !which means I don't really leave the house !so I don't have experience of socialising apart from being distressed by it .
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I am so sorry Streetwise you found socialiing distressing. It must be hard for you not going out. I hope you find piece and tranquillty wherever you are...
 
PATILYN said:
Mary, I agree with Fridgemagnetman .... you really don't need any more clarification. He has told you what he feels for you. You have no reason to believe he has changed his mind. It is perhaps a bit too much to use the word "still" in any emails to him. He has a cold and his is trying to feel better. It has been a big help to me to accept that wanting reassurances of the status of the relationship is harmful to you both, in the end. It is a complicated road you have in front of you. Acceptance of the impact of AS on your relationship is key. Right now, it is early in the day for you both so it is on you to decide what you can manage.

As for declaring your love and your continued interest, I might add that some AS men, are full of words of love and affection quickly ... some never say them. I believe in saying what is in my own heart for no other purpose than it feels right. But I have also learned to accept that there may not be any words coming back. So go forward in this understanding.

Of course you are going to the fair. I don't see why he would not be going with you. Believe him that you are going. He has said so.

If you are authentic and loving and true to your own heart, then he will either join you or he will not. You will be able to tell more as time goes by. A month or two is a very short time to grow love and trust.

Go slowly on this ... and be good to yourself.
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Hi PatiLyn

I just wanted to clarify about the Fair. He was planning to go to fair and he invited me to come with him. It was not me initiating this. So, I just wanted to ask him if he is still willing to take me to the fair with him. The Fair is annual vintage event where he goes every year. He said he will drive me there and I will travel to his town as it is near him.
I still hope he would like to take me to the Fair with him.
 
Welcome. I can say that I too am notoriously bad at keeping in contact, not because I don't think of people, its because there's always a billion things going on in my head at once. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in my thoughts trying to just keep afloat. Maybe things are similar with him.

Another thing is that kissing disturbs me, I don't like the sounds of it in particular. Nor do I like tongues. Other forms of touching are OK for me though.

Hope this helps, and welcome to AC!
 
Thank you Major Tom for your reply and also for welcoming me to AC. I do feel welcomed here, which is lovely.

I understand all you have said. My AS man is extremely organised and he would never miss to reply to my email. He always would reply. However, on this occasion he didn't. He is going through his crisis and he told me under speech marks that it is "the worst cold in years". I understood that he actually meant "the worst meltdown in years" ( although he has a real cold too). Last time we spoke on a phone (a week ago) he didn't have energy to talk, it was me who kept conversation going, he was just nodding and would say just occasionally something. I called him last Friday (a week ago) last time and he didn't answer. He would never do that to me unless he is really bad and so I decided not to call him but to send emails, which he prefers. He did respond to my emails until 28 February and then he stopped. This is very unusual for him. It must be something then really serious that he did not reply. It looks like his meltdown is taking its tall. I am quet and letting him to come around in his own time. I don't want to disturb him and I decided to send him an email next week. I would love to call him but will not do that because it will be easier for me to digest my words in email and also it would be easier for him too...to read it in his own time and hopefully try to me.
Major Tom, do you have some advice for me how to handle my email and what I should write to him? I want simply to tell him that I love him and ask him of he is better and if he would take me to the Fair. I don't want to go into great details but to keep it lighthearted and open for him to reply, as PatiLynn suggested.
What do you think?
Thank you for your support.
 
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