New to the forum but hopeful of the resource

[ChinaMom]

Hi everyone
I'm a super lucky mom of my 12yr old daughter who I adopted from China 10yrs ago. We have been through lots of ups and downs over the years, but overall more ups!!

I'm reaching out to see what else I can do for special daughter. She has been diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago and although it has provided me with some understanding of her ways, I always feel there is more I could be doing for her. She does not have meltdowns or outbursts. She literally has had two temper tantrums since I adopted her. Being abandoned as a toddler she had attachment disorder, too, which over the years has dissipated, but will always be a part of her.

My current struggle is that she lacks any "spark" to interact with peers or cousins/grandparents. The only time she gets emotional or shows brief connection is with me if we are away from others - she is like glue when I'm in my bedroom or bathroom, lol. I treasure this time and extend it just to keep the connection.

Anyway this is a long introduction I'm just opening up for any suggestions out there.
Thanks to you all

 

[tree]

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome! I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful and supportive interaction here. I myself do not have children, but there are many parents with children on the spectrum on this site.

 

[ChinaMom]

Hi there Bolletje - is that Dutch or Afrikaans?

 

[Warmheart]

A very warm welcome to you!

 

[Nitro]

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

There are many individuals with kids in this community.

Make yourself at home, search works really well, lots to read, initiate a thread and ask any question, please post your experiences in response to the questions of others - we all have experiences to offer.

 

[Squished Crab]

Welcome

 

[Ambi]

My current struggle is that she lacks any "spark" to interact with peers or cousins/grandparents. The only time she gets emotional or shows brief connection is with me if we are away from others - she is like glue when I'm in my bedroom or bathroom, lol. I treasure this time and extend it just to keep the connection.

Hello and welcome! Just so I understand properly - when you say this is your current struggle, do you mean that you struggle with accepting her lack of "spark", or that you are struggling to get her to develop that "spark"?

 

[ChinaMom]

I'm struggling with developing friendships or communication with anyone besides me. I LOVE that she has connected with me and I know how precious that is. I feel sad that she is growing up and missing out. I don't want to stand idle if there is something I can do to help her. I do know that she is very content and I don't want to make her uncomfortable and force her into a situation just putting it out there tithe forum for advice, thanks everyone!!

 

[Ambi]

I'm struggling with developing friendships or communication with anyone besides me. I LOVE that she has connected with me and I know how precious that is. I feel sad that she is growing up and missing out. I don't want to stand idle if there is something I can do to help her. I do know that she is very content and I don't want to make her uncomfortable and force her into a situation just putting it out there tithe forum for advice, thanks everyone!!

I don't know your child the way you do, but here's what I would say based on my very own childhood - and remembering oh, so well. How INCREDIBLE it would have been to have a mom who really enjoyed that bond with me and was fine and accepting of the fact that I didn't have the urge to bond with anyone else so well. My mom was always disturbed by me, always wanted me to run and play with other children - so I just had NO bond with anyone in childhood other than with God (the only one who would accept me as I was and not push me away towards others). Even if my mom wanted the best for me, it was a rejection of what I needed, it was in way pitting her needs for me over my own, and the breach of trust/rejection that created was quite profound and lasted throughout her own life, and now is continuing in my own.

Most folks here don't have a lot of friends - just 1-3, if any. And my 2 friends (other than my husband) are life long friends - and I don't even stay well connected with them. It's just a lot to manage relationships, and there's far less of an urge to reach out for that - one could be bliss at that age. As an Aspie, I think I was darn well equipped to gravitate towards what my true emotional needs were, when my parents ignored that or tried to push me in any direction due to their own discomforts, all they did was push all of that discomfort out of themselves and onto me as I struggled to cope/deal. I do think pushing and stretching is needed to help us learn to cope/understand with social and other aspects of life necessary to grow and live in this world, particularly as it pertains to independence - I did so, so, so wish my parents had helped me understand the social world. They just didn't understand what I didn't get - I probably needed to have things broken down to such a level that they couldn't fathom, and they just interpreted all of my issues as terrible personality and character traits. But right now, especially with an adopted child, I think you should accept this and let her be, let her be peaceful and happy in her bond with you. She is NOT MISSING OUT, as she doesn't want the things that you want socially. Unless she is showing signs that she does, in which case professional therapy could help her understand how to approach others socially and interact with them. But for me this was the key - all of the social bonds and interactions that my parents and others thought were positive, wonderful things, which I was "missing out on", were things that stressed me out and I never wanted anyway. Now, as an adult, with the ability to have my own life, it is such a great thing to have my own space that no one keeps trying to push me out of - I still love the solitary life and must retreat to it after work - it is so, so necessary for my mental and emotional health. So with all that you know and observe, I would suggest keeping in mind that what she needs of her mental and emotional health may be the complete opposite of what you think you would need or desire. If I've misunderstood anything, I think you should just keep elaborating on this thread (or make a separate one if you want).

I also want to explain - many here with ASD relate to the idea that we are emotionally far younger than our chronological age - so please keep that in mind with your daughter and what her emotional/social needs may truly be for her age also.

 

[Starfire]

Hi ChinaMom, welcome to the forum. I understand what you are saying, I have a diagnosed daughter who also avoids or actively refuses to engage with cousins, extended family, clubs, groups, or anything that involves face to face. It's such a shame as her younger NT sister is involved in lots such as girl guides and various clubs and sports, but my eldest will not engage. We used to be very tight too as we are very similar (I'm Aspie too) and loved spending time together which I cherished, but once she started puberty that changed too sadly. But that's just how it is. She is happy with being on the edge of the family, and left to her interests, while supervised from a distance of course!

I understand what you say about being sad because she is growing up and missing out. However, has she expressed sadness or said she is lonely or missing out, or is that your perspective on the situation? Could it be that it's difficult for you to understand that she doesn't feel the need to be in clubs, groups or be around other people in general, family included? That is a very common trait for many Aspies. She may be very happy to just be with you and have her special interests. She may never have a "spark" to enjoy other people but that is not a fault in your parenting skill, that is how her brain is wired. Things might change as she gets older and boys come into the picture, but it might not.

You also mentioned attachment disorder and abandonment issues. It maybe possible that somewhere in the back of her mind there could be an irrational fear that if she ventured out into the world of girls clubs/activities, or made friends, or became attached to other people, that one day she might go home, and find you gone, so she's taking the safe option of not letting you out of her sight.

You mentioned in your last post that she is very content, and I believe that from what you have said. You are doing a good thing reaching out to others like your daughter to find out how it is from the 'other side'.
All you can do while she develops is love and support her and help her find her own way in the world, even if it's a different way to what you imagine, and you are already doing that.

 

[ChinaMom]

Oh guys I can't tell you how much your responses have meant to me. Reading them over and over just bring tears of joy to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! It's like a confirmation of what my gut was telling me and hearing from you has put my "mommy" worries at ease. Truly this forum is a blessing for us all. I can go into this next week a little wiser and much more at peace. You guys rock!!

 

[Ambi]

Oh guys I can't tell you how much your responses have meant to me. Reading them over and over just bring tears of joy to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! It's like a confirmation of what my gut was telling me and hearing from you has put my "mommy" worries at ease. Truly this forum is a blessing for us all. I can go into this next week a little wiser and much more at peace. You guys rock!!

Hooray!

There was just one more thing that could be helpful, if you weren't already aware of it. It's not uncommon for people with ASD to also have anxiety and/or depression. If it seems to you that part of the social issues your daughter has are ever due to or worsened by anxiety, professional help or even medicine (if necessary) could be beneficial. My social anxiety was crippling - until I learned to deal with that, solitary or not, it was just far more difficult to exist in this world. I am so glad I no longer have social anxiety issues - I can interact with people fine when I need to.

Best of luck

 

[ChinaMom]

Ok so this may sound really silly but is one of the reasons that Aspies don't enjoy social interaction because it makes them anxious? If so how is this different from social anxiety? Again pretty please excuse my ignorance but I'd rather ask a dumb question and become enlightened than just stay dumb lol!! Thanks again sooooo much!!

 

[Ambi]

Ok so this may sound really silly but is one of the reasons that Aspies don't enjoy social interaction because it makes them anxious? If so how is this different from social anxiety? Again pretty please excuse my ignorance but I'd rather ask a dumb question and become enlightened than just stay dumb lol!! Thanks again sooooo much!!

Speaking for myself, I am still figuring all of that out as well - I think it's sometimes hard to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg - though I'm coming to find that in many cases, it's just a two way street, or a positive feedback loop. For me, it's almost like I'm socially blind. So decades of trial and error and studying have made it easier for me to learn some basic social skills despite not being able to see it/get it intuitively as others might. So the combination of social blindness, the seeming unpredictability of how people might react to me, as well as all of the negative interactions I had with people, resulted in massive social anxiety.

However, Aspie brains are also wired differently - so that what others might think of as comforting social contact would instead just be over stimulatory, for example, and result in anxiety for those reasons. Then, there is research that shows structural differences that might either cause or reflect a higher anxiety state (having ASD in a non-ASD world itself can just result in a lot of stress, anxiety, and trauma - so I'm not sure if we're born with it or if it develops). For me, being around people, especially trying to navigate socially blindly, is exhausting - and the people themselves are just over stimulatory, so no matter how much I may like the people, I burn out and need to be alone - for a long, long time. Also, due to the social blindness, I need to be alone to try to process everything that happened. Furthermore.....I often DO want to "bond" with people - but I don't really know what that means, so maybe it's something else? What it is that I want is not really what the others want. And I am not good at forming bonds as they want, nor as I would want. I can have positive interactions, yet never form that bond. I used to feel like a total loser for this - and very lonely. I did suffer a lot feeling like a reject....but at the same time, if I had felt it was the norm for me to just interact, then be alone, and not form lasting bonds - if that had been "normal", then I think I could have accepted it better. I do accept it better now, I know this is part of ASD. I am very lucky to have an understanding and supportive husband - just having him, having an accepting supportive person, even if our feelings for each other may fundamentally differ in certain ways just due to how we are wired differently, has done a lot in alleviating loneliness and the stress of being alone. I know that sounds contradictory - I need to be alone, people make me anxious, yet I also want to feel connected and not alone....

Maybe someone else can explain that better than me. I see it as part of my cross. But in a nutshell, I do think many Aspies experience serious psychological social anxiety - but also are just neurologically overstimulated by social interactions, which would be something different, imho.

 

[Starfire]

Ok so this may sound really silly but is one of the reasons that Aspies don't enjoy social interaction because it makes them anxious? If so how is this different from social anxiety? Again pretty please excuse my ignorance but I'd rather ask a dumb question and become enlightened than just stay dumb lol!! Thanks again sooooo much!!

It's a good question, not a dumb one!
Anxiety is certainly one reason some Aspies don't enjoy social interaction. However, that anxiety can be minimised. Have you tried not springing surprise visits on your daughter but for example, saying in two weeks we will be visiting aunt. Then the week before reminding her that you will both be visiting, give her time to get used to the idea. Tell her who is likely to be there, how long you plan on staying roughly, what the purpose of the visit is, make as much as you can predictable for her. If she has a favorite food ask aunt to get some or bring it with you. My wife realised she could turn things round by saying to my daughter, we are going to aunts, my daughter would say I'm not going. My wife might say, well aunt is making pizza and ice cream, so my daughter would say, well ok I'll go for a while!

Try to associate visits with treats instead of forced social interaction, and have a prearranged signal she can give you when she's had enough so you can begin to make excuses and leave. If she takes a toy, phone, book etc let her be with it. She may appear totally absorbed with her 'prop' but she will be well aware of what's going on around her.

Perhaps try to think of it this way; Remember what it feels like when you hold a u-shaped magnet in each hand? As you slowly move them together you start to gently feel them pull towards each other until they snap together! That is an NT interaction. If you reverse one magnet, as you move them together they push apart and can't or don't want to connect. You can force them together but they are not right, it doesn't work, but if you open the gap again they can face each other, provided there is a small distance, and you accept they will not snap together. That is how it feels for me, and possibly your daughter. In a group of people that can snap together, break apart then snap together with someone else, we are the magnets that are turned the other way, we don't connect like the others, we need some space, we get tired quickly and our energy drains in these situations. It's wonderful you have a strong connection with your daughter, but with other people she may feel like, the reversed magnet!
Does this make sense?

 

[ChinaMom]

That's a fantastic way of explaining and better still it will help me explain it like that to family. Wahoo!!

 

[Bolletje]

Hi there Bolletje - is that Dutch or Afrikaans?

Dutch

And I realized I do have something to add to your questions about anxiety about social interaction. I would second the suggestion about not springing surprise visits on your daughter, and would like to add a suggestion for when you're entertaining house guests, based on my own experiences:

If you are planning to have multiple people over at your house, especially if your daughter is not too familiar with them, it might be a good idea to have a talk with your daughter beforehand about what your plans are and what you expect of her.
Dinner parties at my parents' house used to frequent, and sadly quite stressful for me because there was so much going on. My parents circumvented some of this by appointing me as their little "butler" and gave me a list of tasks and guidelines ( answer doorbell, take people's coats, make sure everyone has a drink). This was a great solution for me, as I knew what was expected of me, and I had an excuse to not be in the middle of all social interaction at all times. If things got a little too loud for me, I could hang out in the hallway with my cat, with the excuse of watching the door for new arrivals.

As I got older I got more involved in the preparations and took over more and more of the cooking and catering, thus giving me an excuse to opt out of much of the socializing, while still being an integral part of the dinner parties. Because I like people, and I like dinner parties. It's just that the interaction is draining, but I don't notice how much it's wearing me out until I'm completely exhausted.

Which brings me to the last part about having guests around the house: it might be a wise idea to have a conversation with her about what she does when she gets overwhelmed. Having people in the house when you're headed for a meltdown feels incredibly threatening (for me, at least), so it's important to negotiate a safe space beforehand. Somewhere off-limits for the party guests, where she's allowed to regain her composure in solitude. I guess the same applies when visiting other people: make sure you both know what to do in case of overstimulation.

My parents didn't know I had ASD (I was diagnosed aged 29), so I was just an enigma that went from happy to inconsolable in a room full of friends. You have the relative luxury of knowing about your daughter's special features and I applaud you for trying to find out all about it. I think preparing is key, you seem to be doing a great job at that. I think your kid is lucky with such a dedicated mother.

 

[ChinaMom]

Thanks so much!! It's been an incredible journey with my daughter and it's so interesting and informative to hear from you. You know looking back at things it's just incredible to see thing