New to the forum but hopeful of the resource

[Streetwise]

Ok so this may sound really silly but is one of the reasons that Aspies don't enjoy social interaction because it makes them anxious? If so how is this different from social anxiety? Again pretty please excuse my ignorance but I'd rather ask a dumb question and become enlightened than just stay dumb lol!! Thanks again sooooo much!!

No and yes for me it's the fact that I can't understand how to socialise that's what makes me anxious and why do I annoy people I also think it seems to be a part of autism that we have social anxiety disorder I don't think it's a distinct disorder I think it's just part of autism

 

[ChinaMom]

Rats I hit send too soon, lol.
As I was saying......to see things unfold over the years. When she came home with me adopted from China as a toddler she was just a wee thing. A year later I realized something was just not right and she was diagnosed with attachment disorder- basically she had no idea that I was her mom- I know it sounds crazy but she had only had female care givers after being abandoned in a market so in her brain I was one of them - no concept of the true meaning of mom!!! Yikes cried for 3 days over that.....but then big girl panties on and took 3 months off work and basically taught her what "mom" was and that I was different and would never leave. I had a terrific counselor who specializes in attachment disorder and did everything for Kayla from feeding her, bathing her, wiping her butt, dressing her etc (even though she could do these things) and repeated the phrase will I was doing them "I'm doing this because I'm your forever mommy and this it what mommies do, I'm never leaving you"......I chuckle now cause I used to say it in my sleep too. But wow did it work!!! Within 2 weeks I saw my daughter emerging it was beautiful. So fast forward 10 yrs and we are at a new crossing and as I learn so I can give more. Back then I had to take all control from her to teach and show her what a mother was and that they are the person who will take care of you. In her brain at the time she was in orphanage mode - survival of the fittest and no one to care. So here we are opposite - giving as much info and prep as possible- I love it. Just amazes me how life brought her and I together and how blessed I am to have her - teaching me to push limits and be the best I can be. She's a treasure for sure. Thanks again!!

 

[Streetwise]

Rats I hit send too soon, lol.
As I was saying......to see things unfold over the years. When she came home with me adopted from China as a toddler she was just a wee thing. A year later I realized something was just not right and she was diagnosed with attachment disorder- basically she had no idea that I was her mom- I know it sounds crazy but she had only had female care givers after being abandoned in a market so in her brain I was one of them - no concept of the true meaning of mom!!! Yikes cried for 3 days over that.....but then big girl panties on and took 3 months off work and basically taught her what "mom" was and that I was different and would never leave. I had a terrific counselor who specializes in attachment disorder and did everything for Kayla from feeding her, bathing her, wiping her butt, dressing her etc (even though she could do these things) and repeated the phrase will I was doing them "I'm doing this because I'm your forever mommy and this it what mommies do, I'm never leaving you"......I chuckle now cause I used to say it in my sleep too. But wow did it work!!! Within 2 weeks I saw my daughter emerging it was beautiful. So fast forward 10 yrs and we are at a new crossing and as I learn so I can give more. Back then I had to take all control from her to teach and show her what a mother was and that they are the person who will take care of you. In her brain at the time she was in orphanage mode - survival of the fittest and no one to care. So here we are opposite - giving as much info and prep as possible- I love it. Just amazes me how life brought her and I together and how blessed I am to have her - teaching me to push limits and be the best I can be. She's a treasure for sure. Thanks again!!

Sadly my relationship with my mother wasn't as simple as what she had just divorced my father so she was very depressed and now I know I'm autistic I picked up on the fact that she couldn't cope so I did the thing that therapistS say children commonly do and separated my intellect from my emotions ,so I am still a child of 18 months in my emotions but a woman of 47 years in my intellect, so I rapidly grew in my mind from a child of 18 months to an adult in a matter of seconds after 45 years I live in a world of confusion and fear

 

[ChinaMom]

Hi Streetwise - kids are amazing how they survive which is what you had to do as a baby. My heart goes out to you because you are incredibly brave to face it all. I too divorced my husband- well he left- a year after adopting my daughter so basically been a single mom. It's tough for sure but then I looked at my daughter and realized if she could survive it all I could do it walking on my head. Well that was my "fake it till you make it" mantra. I was extremely fortunate to make it through. I just wanted to say I appreciate you and think you're amazing however crappy or confused and fearful you feel now.

 

[Keigan]

My current struggle is that she lacks any "spark" to interact with peers or cousins/grandparents. The only time she gets emotional or shows brief connection is with me if we are away from others - she is like glue when I'm in my bedroom or bathroom, lol. I treasure this time and extend it just to keep the connection.

I’m a man, no kids. I also wrestle with my own self-diagnosis of Aspergers, and with Alexithimia.

Alexi impacts 10% of the population, you might want to research the definition as a lack of “spark” to interact is a trait. Though more importantly are the causes which could be DNA or trauma, as well as a lack of attachment to a parent that is potentially recognized as trauma due to neglect.

(respectfully)
If I can ask, how old was your daughter when you adopted her? What was her life like before she was adopted?

 

[Keigan]

I’m a man, no kids. I also wrestle with my own self-diagnosis of Aspergers, and with Alexithimia.

Alexi impacts 10% of the population, you might want to research the definition as a lack of “spark” to interact is a trait. Though more importantly are the causes which could be DNA or trauma, as well as a lack of attachment to a parent that is potentially recognized as trauma due to neglect.

(respectfully)
If I can ask, how old was your daughter when you adopted her? What was her life like before she was adopted?

Even though I find markers in my DNA for both Autism and Alexi, they are not the strongest markers. Trauma or neglect is a real possibility for my Alexi. So my questioning has more to do with my own research than anything else.

 

[ChinaMom]

Hi Keegan thanks for responding. I will look into that. I know for sure my daughter was traumatized and had attachment disorder. She was abandoned at age 1 1/2-2 1/2. She went through 3 orphanages and open heart surgery by herself in China. They told me she was 2 1/2 when I adopted her but more likely 3 1/2- 4 1/2 according to dentists on US side. She was tiny due to her heart condition and had no information left with her when she was found by police in China so they just guessed an age. That's worked out perfect as she would be totally lost with 14yr olds today so being "12" is perfect. I don't know if you saw my earlier post on this thread about the attachment disorder.

 

[Keigan]

@ChinaMom

As she matures, you’ll probably need to teach her to explore her own feelings, as well as express them. If there is one thing we do well, we hide behind masks for acceptance.

What you are doing is “reparenting” which is fantastic.

 

[Sabrina]

Rats I hit send too soon, lol.
As I was saying......to see things unfold over the years. When she came home with me adopted from China as a toddler she was just a wee thing. A year later I realized something was just not right and she was diagnosed with attachment disorder- basically she had no idea that I was her mom- I know it sounds crazy but she had only had female care givers after being abandoned in a market so in her brain I was one of them - no concept of the true meaning of mom!!! Yikes cried for 3 days over that.....but then big girl panties on and took 3 months off work and basically taught her what "mom" was and that I was different and would never leave. I had a terrific counselor who specializes in attachment disorder and did everything for Kayla from feeding her, bathing her, wiping her butt, dressing her etc (even though she could do these things) and repeated the phrase will I was doing them "I'm doing this because I'm your forever mommy and this it what mommies do, I'm never leaving you"......I chuckle now cause I used to say it in my sleep too. But wow did it work!!! Within 2 weeks I saw my daughter emerging it was beautiful. So fast forward 10 yrs and we are at a new crossing and as I learn so I can give more. Back then I had to take all control from her to teach and show her what a mother was and that they are the person who will take care of you. In her brain at the time she was in orphanage mode - survival of the fittest and no one to care. So here we are opposite - giving as much info and prep as possible- I love it. Just amazes me how life brought her and I together and how blessed I am to have her - teaching me to push limits and be the best I can be. She's a treasure for sure. Thanks again!!

What a moving story, my eyes are filled with tears.

I read this book on resilience a while ago, it’s fantastic. It shows why there are kids that get over trauma, while others don’t.

The author says that there’s two main causes for resilience in kids: 1- A healthy family bubble (which you are providing) and
2- Letting the kid use their imagination and creativity. Give her ways to express herself artistically, in whatever area she is inclined.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the social aspects, as long as she has a good relationship with you (or someone else). We are all different, and some people take more time to find other people that they like and trust. It’s like that with grown ups, and also with kids and teens.