No faith in mankind, no faith in myself.

[Metalhead]

I have entered a state of existential nihilism. I feel tempted to dive headfirst into a pool of short-term hedonism at the expense of shortening my lifespan significantly. I feel like quitting the job and becoming a 24/7 video gamer, since the job is bringing me no satisfaction whatsoever and I have not been happy with it for years. And now the commute to and from my job takes literally twice as long due to recent public transportation cuts. It feels like I am commuting about as long as I am actually working my PT job.

I feel like swimming in booze, video games, marijuana, one night stands, cutting all ties with the family and the job, becoming a worthless leech on society instead because it feels like what I am doing is futile anyway.

I still am sober currently and this is where my brain is leading me. Leading me to want to take the route of a slow-motion suicide.

Maybe all I need is to find a job with less of a commute where I actually am satisfied with the work I pull off? Maybe I need to see my doctor again? Maybe I need to avoid going out in public carrying more cash than what I absolutely need to at any given time, as I know where the best local bars are and I know where the best weed dispensaries are as well? Maybe I need to cut back on my screen time, as my brain feels frazzled and my job is nothing BUT screen time and making cold calls?

I hate my life currently, I know that much, and the recent cuts in public transit only made me hate it a lot more.

 

[Metalhead]

I know clinical depression is not an excuse for bad behavior. I need to think of other ways out of this.

 

[Misery]

I know clinical depression is not an excuse for bad behavior. I need to think of other ways out of this.

I doubt it's just clinical depression though.

People often hear the word "addiction" and associate it with drugs, but it 100% applies to alcohol too, which you stopped... and when you stop a substance you're addicted to, well... THAT happens. It's one of the things that makes it so hard for people to stop such a thing when they have it going.

Just something to think about, maybe.

 

[Thinx]

Cutting all ties with the family stood out as a promising idea in that sea of nihilism.

Your job doesn't sound great, for sure. What else might you prefer and be able to find? You sound too bright for your job, though sometimes it can be good to have a job that's not too stretching. This one sounds a bit tedious tho. Does it pay well?

 

[Aspychata]

You are tipping the scale to go back to the other, yet you got to root of a big shot glass of unhappiness- your commute and job. This would make most people unhappy. You reasoned a lot more instead of jumping into LESS better choices. Now, the next step is trying to make something happen, maybe putting effort towards a different job or move closer?

Can you commit to trying to find a job today and some more effort in one more day? Good luck. I am not working because of raising gas prices and l am burnt out on co-workers.

 

[Metalhead]

I think I will commit to finding a job with less of a commute. The two hour commute both ways is too much.

I also will commit to attending some AA meetings in the near future. Not drinking is making me feel more miserable than usual.

 

[Callistemon]

Hello. I'm new here and just wanted to send some good vibes in your direction with your situation.

That commute sounds like a killer and a job you can't love would get anyone down. Those are big and if you can change that to something you can like and feel like it's meaningful, that would make things much better.

Also - do you get much chance to immerse in nature where you live or is that a big commute too? Whether or not people are already nature buffs, I heard that studies showed significant improvements in outlook and health when people started going to natural settings for leisure or even citizen science even just once a week.

Because of your screen name I have to ask if you ever heard of Apocalyptica? String players and metal heads who did an amazing cover of One. Always cheers me to listen to it, or better to watch a live performance clip on YT.

 

[Metalhead]

Not a lot of nature near where public transportation goes here. I have heard of Apocalyptica and I love them.

But frankly nothing is bringing me pleasure today. Perhaps I should sleep off the cravings for alcohol.

 

[Metalhead]

Do you have a dog? If not, lots of dogs need a home and a little support and they sometimes save lives. A dog helped me a lot when things were bad, she took me out for walks and she was a ray of sunshine in a gray and awful world.

I do not have a dog. How can I take care of a dog when I am not doing a good job taking care of myself?

 

[OkRad]

There are many for whom sobriety is not the panacea promised. A lot of people are not sober precisely because they have some kind of faulty chemistry. There is no way to know until you become sober and if it suck royally, meds might be seriously needed for a long, long time. For some people, sober life just sucks.

 

[Thinx]

When I used to drink more alcohol than was good for me, I was aware that it filled a gap or was a way of coping, and I knew what gap it was too, my social deficits. I wasn't massively overdoing it, I reasoned, so I was just a person that had alcohol for a friend as a substitute due to having difficulties socialising. Yes it made good sense... short term. But it wasn't short term, because my social difficulties weren't short term. I had to be my own friend, I suppose, and cut it out.

Which is what you are doing as I see it. I think you are more socially able than I am, your issues have been your past traumas, but with covid and with your move to the new place, what's different seems to be you've got isolated? Which is another, new-to-you reason for finding a friendly drink?

The two ideas of re engaging with support to stay sober and doing something more to alter your isolation make sense. Is there a strong reason for staying in the area with poor transport? Might you get a car?

 

[Fino]

How desperate must a man be before he pursues God? Perhaps if you were a drunk on the street you'd finally seek Truth.

 

[Thinx]

How desperate must a man be before he pursues God? Perhaps if you were a drunk on the street you'd finally seek Truth.

Sounds to me that the OP is seeking truth, in the form of useful strategies to resolve the problems that make avoiding alcohol difficult.

 

[Bolletje]

The cravings can be brutal. My partner is an alcoholic and I've seen his struggle and hear him describe how empty and pointless his life feels when he's abstinent for a while.

 

[Callistemon]

I do not have a dog. How can I take care of a dog when I am not doing a good job taking care of myself?

I don't want to talk you into a dog, and I think it's admirable and loving that you're thinking of the animal's wellbeing. I did want to offer another perspective though.

If you actually like dogs, and think you could benefit, and have the time, and all that's holding you back is concern over whether or not you'd give it what it needs - there's some dogs that are going to be put down if they don't find a home, and there is nothing to lose if they give it a shot with you and it doesn't work out. Their end will be the same. On the other hand, often once you have a dog - if you're a dog-person - or a cat, if that's better a better fit for a person's lifestyle and personality - you actually grow into being what it needs you to be. That's also far easier to do with a dog (or cat) than a human being - the relationship isn't nearly as complicated, and emotional baggage doesn't scream nearly as loudly with those! It's just shelter, good food, regular walks, team games, ball throwing, back scratches and cuddles, essentially. And it does the human a world of good, if they love animals - the companionship of a social animal and friend, having an exercise buddy, having to show up for someone you love and who loves you.

Another idea would be to help out a dog owner in your neighbourhood, or a local dog pound, by being a dog walking volunteer. Then you could do that part-time and dip your toes in the water of potentially getting your own later on.

 

[Callistemon]

...just in PS, last year I saw a really lovely movie about a man who was adopted by a cat. And then I found out it was based on an actual true story! Here's a clip about that:

 

[Storm Hess]

I have to set goals for myself and do the best that I can to obtain them. That focus switches from the negative to the positive. I'll write a song, create another t-shirt design, work on my son's card game project to help him. Adjust your focus. Why make yourself a statistic?

 

[Suzette]

@Callistemon, there is a whole movie about that. "A street cat named Bob". Pretty good too!

@Metalhead, you do realize that 2 hour long commutes (each way!) is completely rediculous don't you? I am going to channel my inner Dr. Bones "Good God man!"

It is no wonder you are depressed. Can you move closer to your job or job closer to your home?

You remind me of a great, stubborn, mountain that only knows it's self to be eternal and dosen't realize how the weather is wearing him down until the mountain starts cracking.

After you get this job vs housing thing worked out then it will be time to get a dog. And you really are a dog man even if you don't know it yet!

 

[Metalhead]

Actually, I am a lot more of a cat man than I am a dog man, but that's another issue altogether.

 

[watersprite]

Hi @Metalhead

You’re not alone in that it’s been a rough time for you, others, me as well.

Sending a friendly word.