No Words

[twilightzone76]

Hello everyone - My partner and myself are dealing with a lot of craziness right now so I'm glad to have found this site as I'm hoping to gain some insight, even though we may not be able to stay together in the end.

We met online and talked for a few months before meeting. He was very sweet, kind, thoughtful, attentive and had no problem talking about anything and everything though he seemed more open in his thoughts through text. I never noticed anything different until after we first met. Something was different about him but I couldn't put my finger on it and honestly it pulled me in and intrigued me, not to mention he is extremely attractive. As time went on I started noticing some things such as him being over the top sweet and loving in text but didn't say these same things on the phone and definitely not in person. He told me he loved me for the first time through text which I thought was rather strange.

Months later I "confronted" him on why he says all this mushy stuff in text but doesn't in person, including saying I love you. He became a little defensive and basically just said he didn't know why. He did however say that he didn't understand why I needed to hear it when I should already know because he tells me in text. This was mind boggling to me.

Our relationship went on to have many ups and down over the next year with him taking me to expensive dinners, buying me jewelry, sending me flowers, going grocery shopping for me, taking me on vacations as well as a lot of other thoughtful things, however, I never felt "filled up" inside and there was just an emptiness or hollowness within him. As I looked into his behavior I sort of came to my own conclusion that he has Aspergers. I was upfront with him about what I thought and after us reading stuff together, he agreed. At the same time, I saw many Aspergers traits in myself so it was sort of an ah-ha moment, except that I am almost hyper able to express myself to someone I care about.

He really tried over the next year to express himself more and sometimes he could keep it up for a couple of days but he would resort back to who he really was without even noticing. We would go to very romantic restaurants where I would be dressed to the 9's and not once did he ever give me a compliment or make romantic conversation at the table. Honestly, this broke my heart. I just wanted to feel and hear how he felt for me because to me all the gifts and money spent did not necessarily mean he loved me and yes he told me in text and when we would get off the phone but I thought since he couldn't say it to my face, maybe he didn't really mean it. He once told me that he feels a really "weird" and "uncomfortable" feeling when he says the love word, even to his own mother. Another time when I was upset I put him on the spot and asked him to tell me exactly how he felt about me. He spit out a few sweet sentences and told me afterwards that he was literally shaking.

We had many heartfelt conversations and he would explain that he just "forgets" to say all that sweet stuff but that didn't mean his wasn't thinking it. I also found it disappointing that he was so over the top sweet in his texts for the first several months of our relationship and when I say over the top I mean he texted these long good morning texts everyday gushing his feelings for me, asking me throughout the day how I was doing, calling me as soon as I would get off work, texting me often asking what I was doing.....all of this was drastically reduced once he knew I had finally "fallen" for him.

Now he will often not text me at all and when I ask him what's going on he'll say something like he was just tired or he was busy running errands. I often feel ignored yet he still says he wants to be together. Why would he think a woman would want to be with a man that ignores her??

After many hours of discussing every aspect of our relationship, we have decided that maybe we are better off apart, or at least separated for now. Neither of us wants to but its tearing the both of us up inside.

What really was an eye opening moment for me was when I started asking him what love meant to him. I explained that what I know love to be is when you feel so deeply for someone that you feel it within your whole being and you are so close with that person that you almost feel as one. Like your hearts are intertwined and the bond and closeness you feel draws you into that person. When explaining this he had a look of confusion and said....uhhh no that's not how I feel it. He said he knows he loves me because he wants to help me out with things, wants me to be happy and wants to spend time with me. Well to me, you can feel that for a platonic friend.

I don't mean to be graphic, but I also asked if he felt a lot of feelings and/or love when we have sex and his answer....I'm mostly just thinking of making sure you're satisfied. I felt sort of numb after he told me his experience was so different than mine because this whole time I thought that regardless of him not being able to voice his feelings well, he still felt the deep feelings of love the way I did. So, now wondering if this is typical of men with Aspergers? Or does he just not love me?

I was in a 6 year relationship before him with a man that was very affectionate and in touch with his emotional side....told me he loved me several times a day, was always saying sweet things and was very attentive so maybe I'm just missing that??

I don't want him out of my life but I know I cant expect him to ever change even though he has said he wants to, he just doesn't know how.

 

[tw3]

I'm an Aspie and I've been married for 47 years. You sound a lot like my wife. When we met I really had no idea what love is. All I knew was I liked being with her. We broke up after a year or so because she wanted to get married but I was hesitant. She equated love with being married. After a few weeks I realized how miserable I was without her. I missed her being there. When she wrote to me on a business matter I thought she was giving me a second chance. So I called her and said, okay, we'll get married. There's a lot more to the story but I wanted you to know that it's possible that he loves in a way that works out practically rather than with words.
When my wife would confront me expecting some kind of affirming response I would not know what she wanted and sometimes I ran away and hid in another room hyperventilating the whole time.
Over time, I learned when and how to say the right things. I learned what they mean to the person hearing them.
My heart towards my wife is overwhelming today. If she wasn't as patient and caring with me as she has been, I know I'd be totally alone and probably long dead.
In the beginning there was no way I could express myself emotionally. Even today, I suppose I overdo literally interpreting everything and many times forgetting to say the sweet words she wants and needs to hear.
She liked me and decided that it was worth overlooking my "flaws."
For this, I am incredibly great full.
Maybe my experience will help you evaluate yours better. I hope so.
I am praying for you.

 

[WittyAspie]

One of the hardest things my wife has had to do in deciding to stay married to me is to have realistic expectations. Your partner will never be able to express love the way you desire him to, even though he likely loves you deeply. Your situation sounds very typical of women in relationships with Aspie men. Don't expect him to ever change; he can't. He can try to act differently, but he can't change the way his brain is wired. You will have to decide if you are willing to lower your expectations of what love feels like and accept a lack of fulfillment in some ways. I wish there was an easier answer. NT spouses bear a heavy burden and it is not a commitment to take lightly. My heart goes out to both of you as you struggle to find a way forward.

 

[Suzanne]

I am the apsie in my marriage and have learned a lot from my husband who is the nt and also gained a lot of insight on my own and just recently my husband said to me: I know you love me, in your own apsie way! Meaning that it doesn't go by "tradition" of what love is.

If I have to "communicate", I send him emails, because I can voice what is in my head through my finger tips or via texts.

We talk face to face and everything, but when it comes to emotional responses, I am just so hopeless that I end up going into a meltdown and when my husband has faced me ( a bit like you did with this guy and asked him pointed questions), my mind is blank; it is like I have no emotions; just that I have no idea how to express them and so, hello email or text.

My husband has said I am like a hot and cold tap! One minute I am ice cold and then next minute I am hot ( I mean affectionate, rather than sexual - well that too lol).

I fear meeting people in life who I have been communicating via text, because it is like I am two different people and that has caused surprised.

It is awfully dangerous to compare our emotions with another; at least how we LOVE another.

I would think the most important thing in a relationship is trust and honor and having a flipping good time together and having humor when things get bad.

On a side note and hope no offense is taken, but it would be really good if you could paragraph your sentences.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Please, please separate this into paragraphs, it can be very hard to read for some people. You'll get feedback from more people if you do that.

Anyway, it sounds to me that this is anxiety there on expressing his deepest emotions. He might be shying away from doing this because of the response he may well receive. This isn't to say he's expecting rejection but the expectation and handling the positive response may well be overwhelming for him. It can be emotionally painful for some people like touching an extremely over sensitive part of the body. If he's reacting negatively and defensively to you asking him about why he isn't affectionate face to face then anxiety could well be the reason to this behaviour.

Perhaps if you changed how you reacted to this sort of expression and reassured him that you wouldn't react too strongly he might well be able to ease himself into doing it. Just by reacting nonchalantly to this could be a way forward.

Remembering to say these things too face to face may able to hampered by lots of other thoughts and stimuli. An autistic brain is very often thinking a lot about different subjects and trying to deal with lots of things at a single time. That is why I think a lot of us struggle to fall and stay asleep. That is, if he's autistic.

 

[Caitie33]

Living with someone like that is hard, even if you are both not NT. My husband and I are both hard to live with and maybe it seems we should understand each other better and cut each other some slack but we are very hard on each other. For me it is uncomfortable to express affection but I still want to be able to and wish it came more naturally. I don't know about him, he won't talk to me about his feelings or trouble expressing them at all.

 

[twilightzone76]

Please, please separate this into paragraphs, it can be very hard to read for some people. You'll get feedback from more people if you do that.

Anyway, it sounds to me that this is anxiety there on expressing his deepest emotions. He might be shying away from doing this because of the response he may well receive. This isn't to say he's expecting rejection but the expectation and handling the positive response may well be overwhelming for him. It can be emotionally painful for some people like touching an extremely over sensitive part of the body. If he's reacting negatively and defensively to you asking him about why he isn't affectionate face to face then anxiety could well be the reason to this behaviour.

Perhaps if you changed how you reacted to this sort of expression and reassured him that you wouldn't react too strongly he might well be able to ease himself into doing it. Just by reacting nonchalantly to this could be a way forward.

Remembering to say these things too face to face may able to hampered by lots of other thoughts and stimuli. An autistic brain is very often thinking a lot about different subjects and trying to deal with lots of things at a single time. That is why I think a lot of us struggle to fall and stay asleep. That is, if he's autistic.

Thanks for the reminder to separate paragraphs Southern Discomfort, I was on my way out the door yesterday when I was typing and was so excited to have found this site, I just kept typing lol.

He definitely has some issues with anxiety (or possibly humiliation??). He confided in me that when he was in grade school he would refuse to read in front of the class and even as an adult he has gone to great lengths to avoid being put on the spot at work. I have asked him if he is afraid of rejection when it comes to showing his feelings and affection but he insists that he knows it would be well received by me.

In the beginning he would not even touch me without me making the first move and when he would touch me back, it was almost like he was scared or apprehensive. He eased up a bit over time with that and even gave me frequent massages but there were still times when we could be sitting right next to each other, say watching a movie, and he would act like I wasn't even there. Then like a lightbulb turning on he would realize he should grab my hand or something and he would do it. It was like I could literally see the gears turning in his head. However, he would never greet me with a hug when I came home from work, never walked up behind me when I was cooking to hug me from behind or try to comfort me when he knew I was upset.

His body is sensitive to stimuli and pain and he is often saying ouch this and ouch that. He has frequent headaches and "forgets" to eat until he realizes he's about to pass out. I truly believe that the mind needs to "dump" these thoughts, feelings etc. and when they're not, it manifests itself in physical ailments.

Honestly I could have probably worked with that aspect because after all, I have no issues initiating affection, however, his inability to verbally express how he felt for me was destroying me inside. We spent unbelievable amounts of time trying to figure out together why he struggles with this and how to make it better. The only thing he could come up with was that feelings were not expressed by his father at all growing up, not even towards his mother. The consensus amongst the family now is that the father more than likely has AS as well.

I can clearly see the frustration he has with himself that he cannot do such seemly simple things when it comes expressing himself. At one point he even set a recurring alarm on his phone to prompt himself to do or say something sweet but I felt that was superficial and I wanted him to say things because he was thinking them not because an alarm went off.

His ex filed for divorce about 8 years ago after she had an affair in attempts to "get her emotional and physical needs met". I can tell he took the divorce very hard and even explained to me what the marriage was missing, yet he can't bring himself to give those things in our relationship either. To me, you learn from your mistakes in past relationships which in turn makes you a better partner going forward, but he doesn't seem to understand that notion.

Very true what you said about sleeping - he actually can fall asleep at the drop of a dime because he is so mentally tired at the end of the day, but he wakes up several times a night and it takes him a while to fall back to sleep. He also has a strange sensation sometimes where he'll wake up startled and feel as though something or someone is choking him. I'm not going to lie, that kind of freaked me out when he told me that and had me wondering if his issues are much deeper than I even know.

My posts are becoming way longer than I ever thought they would be - I really appreciate the discussion though as it's helping me work though a lot of the confusion and I hope I can somehow add some clarity for others as well.

 

[twilightzone76]

Living with someone like that is hard, even if you are both not NT. My husband and I are both hard to live with and maybe it seems we should understand each other better and cut each other some slack but we are very hard on each other. For me it is uncomfortable to express affection but I still want to be able to and wish it came more naturally. I don't know about him, he won't talk to me about his feelings or trouble expressing them at all.[/QUOTE

Same with me Caitie, I'm not always the easiest person either. I want what I feel I deserve and have a hard time letting it slide. On the other hand, I think everyone deserves to know how their partner feels about them or else what makes the relationship feel special? There's no better feeling to me than to have your bf or husband take your face in the palm of his hands and tell you how much you're loved and appreciated. Interactions with my bf had this feeling of trying to squeeze orange juice from an apple....talk about frustration. It just never felt fulfilling. Could you explain what you mean when you say expressing affection feels uncomfortable? Do you feel silly or?? My bf would get a really anxious and uncomfortable look on his face when I would tell him to say something sweet to me. I thought maybe the more he "practiced" doing it the easier it would get but it didn't seem to work out that way lol.

 

[twilightzone76]

I'm an Aspie and I've been married for 47 years. You sound a lot like my wife. When we met I really had no idea what love is. All I knew was I liked being with her. We broke up after a year or so because she wanted to get married but I was hesitant. She equated love with being married. After a few weeks I realized how miserable I was without her. I missed her being there. When she wrote to me on a business matter I thought she was giving me a second chance. So I called her and said, okay, we'll get married. There's a lot more to the story but I wanted you to know that it's possible that he loves in a way that works out practically rather than with words.
When my wife would confront me expecting some kind of affirming response I would not know what she wanted and sometimes I ran away and hid in another room hyperventilating the whole time.
Over time, I learned when and how to say the right things. I learned what they mean to the person hearing them.
My heart towards my wife is overwhelming today. If she wasn't as patient and caring with me as she has been, I know I'd be totally alone and probably long dead.
In the beginning there was no way I could express myself emotionally. Even today, I suppose I overdo literally interpreting everything and many times forgetting to say the sweet words she wants and needs to hear.
She liked me and decided that it was worth overlooking my "flaws."
For this, I am incredibly great full.
Maybe my experience will help you evaluate yours better. I hope so.
I am praying for you.

Thanks for sharing how things have gone with you and your wife, tw3 - that really helps me to think about it from another angle. And good for you for working at it over the years and learning what she needs from you.

I don't know if I should try to accept that he really does love me or just give up because I don't FEEL it.

He asked a close friend of his what loving his wife means to him and apparently it sounded similar to what I said it feels like to me. When I asked him if he still feels like he loves me after doing some reflecting on what we've talked about and what his friend said all he could say was, maybe I just don't know what real love is.

Does it feel strange for you to say words of endearment or do you also just not realize you should say these things?

Thanks again and bless your heart for praying for me, I really need it right now.

 

[twilightzone76]

One of the hardest things my wife has had to do in deciding to stay married to me is to have realistic expectations. Your partner will never be able to express love the way you desire him to, even though he likely loves you deeply. Your situation sounds very typical of women in relationships with Aspie men. Don't expect him to ever change; he can't. He can try to act differently, but he can't change the way his brain is wired. You will have to decide if you are willing to lower your expectations of what love feels like and accept a lack of fulfillment in some ways. I wish there was an easier answer. NT spouses bear a heavy burden and it is not a commitment to take lightly. My heart goes out to both of you as you struggle to find a way forward.

Thank you WittyAspie, those are all things I need to hear although it's a hard pill to swallow.

Like you say he could try to act differently but I wouldn't want anyone to act anything for me. I want someone to say those things because they cant help but to say them, you know? I think he was acting in the beginning because he really wanted to be with me and was so excited to be in a relationship after being single for a long time but as with any act, it's tiring and no one can hold that up for very long.

What I don't quite understand is if men with Aspergers don't know when they should say or do the things that mean so much to a woman then how do they know to do it in the beginning??

 

[Judge]

What I don't quite understand is if men with Aspergers don't know when they should say or do the things that mean so much to a woman then how do they know to do it in the beginning??

In my own case, I'm acutely aware of most of my communication shortcomings. However in real-time, even with comprehensive self-awareness there's no guarantee I can be in sufficient control to avoid them and say and mean the "right things".

The simple truth for many of us is that these sort of things just happen. And that our ability to control and/or improve upon them can be a very inconsistent process. As if there's a "disconnect" I cannot always account for.

And yes, not saying the magic words has cost me plenty in relationships with NT women.

But this is the human brain we're talking about. While people may want and expect consistent and positive behavior, it may not always be possible. In reach from one moment, to another moment when it simply isn't there....for whatever reason.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I'm going to assume he is autistic now and if he went to a doctor he would get a diagnosis somewhere on the autism spectrum. But I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

In the beginning he would not even touch me without me making the first move and when he would touch me back, it was almost like he was scared or apprehensive.

His body is sensitive to stimuli

However, he would never greet me with a hug when I came home from work, never walked up behind me when I was cooking to hug me from behind or try to comfort me when he knew I was upset.

That to me sounds like he's hypersensitive to tactile stimuli. This is not a reflection of his psychology or his dedication to the relationship. It might well be that contact like this is physically very uncomfortable even painful to him.

and "forgets" to eat until he realizes he's about to pass out.

There are actually a lot more senses in the body that we're taught in school. Depending who you ask there's as many as about 25 different senses. Once of these senses is that of hunger. I have troubles with this one too. Too often I don't get told by my body that I'm hungry until I'm borderline ready to throw up because of it, it is not a nice feeling to have. It also doesn't help if you're too engrossed in a certain task. If he's good at time management then he could set himself a regular time to eat or an alarm telling him to have a meal to get around this problem.

he is often saying ouch this and ouch that. He has frequent headaches

This could be a hypersensitivity to nociception, our ability to feel pain.

In the beginning he would not even touch me without me making the first move and when he would touch me back

Then like a lightbulb turning on he would realize he should grab my hand or something and he would do it. It was like I could literally see the gears turning in his head.

his inability to verbally express how he felt

I can clearly see the frustration he has with himself that he cannot do such seemly simple things when it comes expressing himself.

can tell he took the divorce very hard and even explained to me what the marriage was missing, yet he can't bring himself to give those things in our relationship either. To me, you learn from your mistakes in past relationships which in turn makes you a better partner going forward, but he doesn't seem to understand that notion.

What you do need to realise is that autism is a disability, like being deaf, like being paralysed from the waist down. These are things where we have limitations. These aren't psychological impairments and we can't be "fixed". If you want to be in a relationship with this man you are going to have to come to terms with that there are some things he just won't be able to do as well as other men. Some of these things can be learnt over time but you have to bear in mind that there can be a big learning curve to some of these things and it also takes an incredible amount of energy on our part to remember to apply these things to every day life, constantly. This can be exhausting and some of us have to end relationships because it puts way too much stress on us. If you love him and want to be in a relationship with this man you have to be fair to him. Again, assuming he is autistic, this isn't like trying to change behaviours with a "normal" partner. There is going to have to be reasonable acceptance as well as encouragement on your part.

He definitely has some issues with anxiety

Anxiety is something that can be helped to over come, but it requires a lot of work on his part. It's about exposure to these things but you cannot force someone into these things, that can be very distressing to them. You've got give friendly encouragement to let them do it on their own.

 

[Full Steam]

I'm self diagnosed aspie, and I've had three major relationships, two failed ones, and my marriage which has lasted 16 years and we have three kids.

The first two failed, and I can see elements in what you are talking about in them, annd I think the biggest differences between my wife and the failed relationships are:

The failures did not just look for compliments and romance, they depended on them for their self esteem. That's a serious error whether you date an Aspie or NT male, as you are building your self esteem on very shaky ground indeed. Self esteem needs to be controlled by you, not by someone elses compliments.

My wife is a very mentally and spiritually strong woman (not religious, or actually spiritual, justt very centred). She doesn't need my words to build her up.

We have a completely open and friendltt relationship (open as without walls, not that we would date other people). That took some deliberate building from both of us and took a good year to make work. Now she is my best friend, and we confide in each other totally. I don't even filter my words anymore, I talk straight from my self.

The failures were very self obsessed, and cared what other people thought, said and did far too much. That meant that the odd Aspie fau par (sp) often seemed to hurt them.

I guess the bottom line is; if you are self reliant, and strong in mind you'll probably do fine. If you are not, then I would make yourelf so, as it will do you all the good in the world, and will work great in any relationship.

Also, one of our kids is very likely Aspie, and is extremely loving and is always telling us how much she loves us. She's also extremely intelligent. Without an Aspie mate you'd struggle to have a gifted child I suspect

Good luck in what ever you choose to do.

(just FYI, if you break your writing up with regular white spaces (like mine) people will read it better. I work in marketing and people don't read internet text that is in big blocks. It works on paper, but not on a screen - I'm not sure why. I'm just telling you because you have interesting things to say, and people should read what you write.)

 

[twilightzone76]

I'm self diagnosed aspie, and I've had three major relationships, two failed ones, and my marriage which has lasted 16 years and we have three kids.

The first two failed, and I can see elements in what you are talking about in them, annd I think the biggest differences between my wife and the failed relationships are:

The failures did not just look for compliments and romance, they depended on them for their self esteem. That's a serious error whether you date an Aspie or NT male, as you are building your self esteem on very shaky ground indeed. Self esteem needs to be controlled by you, not by someone elses compliments.

My wife is a very mentally and spiritually strong woman (not religious, or actually spiritual, justt very centred). She doesn't need my words to build her up.

We have a completely open and friendltt relationship (open as without walls, not that we would date other people). That took some deliberate building from both of us and took a good year to make work. Now she is my best friend, and we confide in each other totally. I don't even filter my words anymore, I talk straight from my self.

The failures were very self obsessed, and cared what other people thought, said and did far too much. That meant that the odd Aspie fau par (sp) often seemed to hurt them.

I guess the bottom line is; if you are self reliant, and strong in mind you'll probably do fine. If you are not, then I would make yourelf so, as it will do you all the good in the world, and will work great in any relationship.

Also, one of our kids is very likely Aspie, and is extremely loving and is always telling us how much she loves us. She's also extremely intelligent. Without an Aspie mate you'd struggle to have a gifted child I suspect

Good luck in what ever you choose to do.

(just FYI, if you break your writing up with regular white spaces (like mine) people will read it better. I work in marketing and people don't read internet text that is in big blocks. It works on paper, but not on a screen - I'm not sure why. I'm just telling you because you have interesting things to say, and people should read what you write.)

I have always been a very confident and independent woman, however, I disagree that a woman is insecure if she wants to be reminded of how her parnter feels for her. Compliments are one thing, but he couldn't express love in words or any other sentiment for that matter.

At first I considered that maybe I was expecting too much given that my ex was almost too forthcoming with his feelings and very affectionate and attentive. However, when I asked several friends, relatives and coworkers if this was a normal part of their relationships/marriages they said absolutely. Not only that, my bf asked several people he knew and they also seconded my thoughts on the importance of expressing your feelings to your partner. He expected all of his people to agree with him and was shocked when they didn't because in his words, "he had no idea". I had a hard time believing that since he was well aware that his ex-wife had divorced him because those things were lacking.

It all comes down to what works for each individual - it sounds like your wife doesn't find value in the expression of emotions and feelings. Maybe that is what she has always been used to?

I know for myself, my father was affectionate, spoke openly of his feelings and frequently praised and said kind words to encourage me as child and young woman. The ground work for expectations and standards begins at a young age and once that seed is planted, its hard to accept otherwise.

I'm a very strong woman - that is something he did tell me (in text, of course) that attracted him to me. At the same time I'm sensitive and feminine and being able to talk as freely about our feelings for each other as we would about what we're having for dinner brings a healthy balance, in my eyes.

Its definitely not all about me. I enjoy telling my man how attracted I am to him, how I appreciate him in my life, how he makes feel like the happiest woman in the world, how I cant wait to see him when I get home....all things I will never hear out of his mouth, and why I have chosen to move on.

 

[tw3]

Some additional thoughts based on being an old Aspie man:
Almost all men tend to be linear thinkers. Once something is established in their minds there's no reason to keep establishing it over and over. Some Aspie men are like that perhaps to an extreme.
Once the relationship is established some of us will consider it done, final, no going back. Everyone really knows and it doesn't need to be started over. Everyone should be secure in the relationship even if there are no words spoken. The performance of each person testifies to the validity and strength of commitment.
If the NT wants to hear verbal affirmation of the commitment over and above the performance, the Aspie possibly doesn't know why?
Why, because it's established. It doesn't need restating. We always come home to each other. We do our best to meet each other's needs. We like each other and enjoy each other's company., etc.. The emotions can come and go, high and low, but our love commitment continues because we meant it in the beginning and there is no plan "B."
The male Aspie who wants you to be happy hears your discontent with his lack of verbal affirmation may we'll agree with your desire to break up because you convinced him it's best for you. He is confused because he does not understand your need. He accepts what you tell him, maybe even without argument, because you are so sincere and obviously hurt.


These are just some of my thoughts for your consideration. There's no prescription intended.
It's late for me now. I will try to finish this later.

 

[twilightzone76]

Some additional thoughts based on being an old Aspie man:
Almost all men tend to be linear thinkers. Once something is established in their minds there's no reason to keep establishing it over and over. Some Aspie men are like that perhaps to an extreme.
Once the relationship is established some of us will consider it done, final, no going back. Everyone really knows and it doesn't need to be started over. Everyone should be secure in the relationship even if there are no words spoken. The performance of each person testifies to the validity and strength of commitment.
If the NT wants to hear verbal affirmation of the commitment over and above the performance, the Aspie possibly doesn't know why?
Why, because it's established. It doesn't need restating. We always come home to each other. We do our best to meet each other's needs. We like each other and enjoy each other's company., etc.. The emotions can come and go, high and low, but our love commitment continues because we meant it in the beginning and there is no plan "B."
The male Aspie who wants you to be happy hears your discontent with his lack of verbal affirmation may we'll agree with your desire to break up because you convinced him it's best for you. He is confused because he does not understand your need. He accepts what you tell him, maybe even without argument, because you are so sincere and obviously hurt.


These are just some of my thoughts for your consideration. There's no prescription intended.
It's late for me now. I will try to finish this later.

I'm not sure if you have children, but if so my question would be - do you tell your child(ren) you love them over and over? Do you give them positive reinforcement when they do something good? Do you tell them regularly how much they mean to you?

As humans, we need this. It has been studied for hundreds of years. Its been shown time and time again that people that are deprived of this and especially children, who grow up without that emotional bond/support tend to develop significant mental health issues.

So, are you supposed to hear these things as a child from people who love you but not when you're an adult??

Maybe a lot of Aspies don't hear these things growing up? I know my ex-bf never heard this from his father and feelings were not to be discussed. Needless to say, this didn't do him any favors.

 

[On the Inside]

Hello everyone - My partner and myself are dealing with a lot of craziness right now so I'm glad to have found this site as I'm hoping to gain some insight, even though we may not be able to stay together in the end.

We met online and talked for a few months before meeting. He was very sweet, kind, thoughtful, attentive and had no problem talking about anything and everything though he seemed more open in his thoughts through text. I never noticed anything different until after we first met. Something was different about him but I couldn't put my finger on it and honestly it pulled me in and intrigued me, not to mention he is extremely attractive. As time went on I started noticing some things such as him being over the top sweet and loving in text but didn't say these same things on the phone and definitely not in person. He told me he loved me for the first time through text which I thought was rather strange.

Months later I "confronted" him on why he says all this mushy stuff in text but doesn't in person, including saying I love you. He became a little defensive and basically just said he didn't know why. He did however say that he didn't understand why I needed to hear it when I should already know because he tells me in text. This was mind boggling to me.

Our relationship went on to have many ups and down over the next year with him taking me to expensive dinners, buying me jewelry, sending me flowers, going grocery shopping for me, taking me on vacations as well as a lot of other thoughtful things, however, I never felt "filled up" inside and there was just an emptiness or hollowness within him. As I looked into his behavior I sort of came to my own conclusion that he has Aspergers. I was upfront with him about what I thought and after us reading stuff together, he agreed. At the same time, I saw many Aspergers traits in myself so it was sort of an ah-ha moment, except that I am almost hyper able to express myself to someone I care about.

He really tried over the next year to express himself more and sometimes he could keep it up for a couple of days but he would resort back to who he really was without even noticing. We would go to very romantic restaurants where I would be dressed to the 9's and not once did he ever give me a compliment or make romantic conversation at the table. Honestly, this broke my heart. I just wanted to feel and hear how he felt for me because to me all the gifts and money spent did not necessarily mean he loved me and yes he told me in text and when we would get off the phone but I thought since he couldn't say it to my face, maybe he didn't really mean it. He once told me that he feels a really "weird" and "uncomfortable" feeling when he says the love word, even to his own mother. Another time when I was upset I put him on the spot and asked him to tell me exactly how he felt about me. He spit out a few sweet sentences and told me afterwards that he was literally shaking.

We had many heartfelt conversations and he would explain that he just "forgets" to say all that sweet stuff but that didn't mean his wasn't thinking it. I also found it disappointing that he was so over the top sweet in his texts for the first several months of our relationship and when I say over the top I mean he texted these long good morning texts everyday gushing his feelings for me, asking me throughout the day how I was doing, calling me as soon as I would get off work, texting me often asking what I was doing.....all of this was drastically reduced once he knew I had finally "fallen" for him.

Now he will often not text me at all and when I ask him what's going on he'll say something like he was just tired or he was busy running errands. I often feel ignored yet he still says he wants to be together. Why would he think a woman would want to be with a man that ignores her??

After many hours of discussing every aspect of our relationship, we have decided that maybe we are better off apart, or at least separated for now. Neither of us wants to but its tearing the both of us up inside.

What really was an eye opening moment for me was when I started asking him what love meant to him. I explained that what I know love to be is when you feel so deeply for someone that you feel it within your whole being and you are so close with that person that you almost feel as one. Like your hearts are intertwined and the bond and closeness you feel draws you into that person. When explaining this he had a look of confusion and said....uhhh no that's not how I feel it. He said he knows he loves me because he wants to help me out with things, wants me to be happy and wants to spend time with me. Well to me, you can feel that for a platonic friend.

I don't mean to be graphic, but I also asked if he felt a lot of feelings and/or love when we have sex and his answer....I'm mostly just thinking of making sure you're satisfied. I felt sort of numb after he told me his experience was so different than mine because this whole time I thought that regardless of him not being able to voice his feelings well, he still felt the deep feelings of love the way I did. So, now wondering if this is typical of men with Aspergers? Or does he just not love me?

I was in a 6 year relationship before him with a man that was very affectionate and in touch with his emotional side....told me he loved me several times a day, was always saying sweet things and was very attentive so maybe I'm just missing that??

I don't want him out of my life but I know I cant expect him to ever change even though he has said he wants to, he just doesn't know how.

This sounds very much like my current relationship, which has gone on far longer than yours.

I too started out expressing my feelings ( not to her satisfaction, but I did) I also gave her what I considered thoughtful gifts and did things for her, which I feel express my feelings.

After a while, she told me that she didn't want any more of the little gifts, she only wanted things that she wanted/needed, and that it showed that I didn't really know her or listened to her because theses were objects that he didn't ask for or want.

She said this in a very sensitive way, but I was still devastated and it was one of the ways in which my trust in her eroded. I have all but given up on expressing myself through giving and doing special things, and that is my main way of showing my feelings

There is a book called the 5 love languages, which my therapist encouraged me to read. Deals with this sort of things.

I'very also tried over and over to express my feelings in other ways, but like your ex, I'm able to for a week or two, then cannot sustain.

One comment: nearly everyone has some "aspie traits", and it is helpful that you can recognize them and emphasize, but the key is that to the Aspie, these traits are debilitating in one or more ways and are usually not compensated very well by other traits. The therapist who informally diagnosed me always tried to normalize my issues by saying everyone feels that way sometimes, and then give an example of how he feels or behaves that way from time to time.

What he was ignoring was that I feel/behave that way all the time and it causes me a lot of problems.

 

[twilightzone76]

This sounds very much like my current relationship, which has gone on far longer than yours.

I too started out expressing my feelings ( not to her satisfaction, but I did) I also gave her what I considered thoughtful gifts and did things for her, which I feel express my feelings.

After a while, she told me that she didn't want any more of the little gifts, she only wanted things that she wanted/needed, and that it showed that I didn't really know her or listened to her because theses were objects that he didn't ask for or want.

She said this in a very sensitive way, but I was still devastated and it was one of the ways in which my trust in her eroded. I have all but given up on expressing myself through giving and doing special things, and that is my main way of showing my feelings

There is a book called the 5 love languages, which my therapist encouraged me to read. Deals with this sort of things.

I'very also tried over and over to express my feelings in other ways, but like your ex, I'm able to for a week or two, then cannot sustain.

One comment: nearly everyone has some "aspie traits", and it is helpful that you can recognize them and emphasize, but the key is that to the Aspie, these traits are debilitating in one or more ways and are usually not compensated very well by other traits. The therapist who informally diagnosed me always tried to normalize my issues by saying everyone feels that way sometimes, and then give an example of how he feels or behaves that way from time to time.

What he was ignoring was that I feel/behave that way all the time and it causes me a lot of problems.

I can tell you that I'm very sure she appreciated and enjoyed getting gifts from you but wanted to see your "alternative" way of showing her love without the gifts. We as women have been taught that if we equate material things with love that we're gold diggers so its hard to feel comfortable with that sometimes.

It's a funny thing though because while I was yearning for the emotions and feelings in my relationship, most of my girlfriends have that but are yearning for thoughtful gifts, flowers etc. We always want what we don't have, don't we?

I told my ex that he didn't need to buy me material things to show his love too (but said I would still appreciate getting gifts). I'm not sure how he took it being that IS the way he he was showing his feelings. I asked him how would he show me his love if he was dead broke? He didn't have an answer.

He actually started backing off on all the gifts but then at Christmas when we were on the brink of breaking up, he goes and buys me $2k diamond earrings. That really confused me. Why would he do that when we both agreed that we should probably split soon? When we finally ended things a couple of weeks later, I said that maybe he should take them back, but he just avoided the subject.

Does your idea of love also follow his in that it's not really a tender feeling inside of you? You just know that you do because you want to do things for her? Or how does love FEEL or not feel to you?

I have to admit that after he said that along with the not feeling something deep when we're intimate made me completely close off to him, to the point that if we were to ever get back together I don't know if I could be intimate with him. Then later that night (the last time we talked) I asked him if he still feels like he loves me given all that we discussed over the days prior and he says...."I still have love for you but like I said I probably have no clue what being in love is or feels like in the normal way."

I don't even know what to make of this? I have love for you?? Sounds like something you would say to a friend!

 

[Full Steam]

This sounds very much like my current relationship, which has gone on far longer than yours.

I too started out expressing my feelings ( not to her satisfaction, but I did) I also gave her what I considered thoughtful gifts and did things for her, which I feel express my feelings.

After a while, she told me that she didn't want any more of the little gifts, she only wanted things that she wanted/needed, and that it showed that I didn't really know her or listened to her because theses were objects that he didn't ask for or want.

She said this in a very sensitive way, but I was still devastated and it was one of the ways in which my trust in her eroded. I have all but given up on expressing myself through giving and doing special things, and that is my main way of showing my feelings

There is a book called the 5 love languages, which my therapist encouraged me to read. Deals with this sort of things.

I'very also tried over and over to express my feelings in other ways, but like your ex, I'm able to for a week or two, then cannot sustain.

One comment: nearly everyone has some "aspie traits", and it is helpful that you can recognize them and emphasize, but the key is that to the Aspie, these traits are debilitating in one or more ways and are usually not compensated very well by other traits. The therapist who informally diagnosed me always tried to normalize my issues by saying everyone feels that way sometimes, and then give an example of how he feels or behaves that way from time to time.

What he was ignoring was that I feel/behave that way all the time and it causes me a lot of problems.

I can very much related to all that.

The normalising thing bugs me, as I know it's not "normal" and I don't want to be normal anyway.

 

[On the Inside]

I can tell you that I'm very sure she appreciated and enjoyed getting gifts from you but wanted to see your "alternative" way of showing her love without the gifts. We as women have been taught that if we equate material things with love that we're gold diggers so its hard to feel comfortable with that sometimes.

It's a funny thing though because while I was yearning for the emotions and feelings in my relationship, most of my girlfriends have that but are yearning for thoughtful gifts, flowers etc. We always want what we don't have, don't we?

I told my ex that he didn't need to buy me material things to show his love too (but said I would still appreciate getting gifts). I'm not sure how he took it being that IS the way he he was showing his feelings. I asked him how would he show me his love if he was dead broke? He didn't have an answer.

He actually started backing off on all the gifts but then at Christmas when we were on the brink of breaking up, he goes and buys me $2k diamond earrings. That really confused me. Why would he do that when we both agreed that we should probably split soon? When we finally ended things a couple of weeks later, I said that maybe he should take them back, but he just avoided the subject.

Does your idea of love also follow his in that it's not really a tender feeling inside of you? You just know that you do because you want to do things for her? Or how does love FEEL or not feel to you?

I have to admit that after he said that along with the not feeling something deep when we're intimate made me completely close off to him, to the point that if we were to ever get back together I don't know if I could be intimate with him. Then later that night (the last time we talked) I asked him if he still feels like he loves me given all that we discussed over the days prior and he says...."I still have love for you but like I said I probably have no clue what being in love is or feels like in the normal way."

I don't even know what to make of this? I have love for you?? Sounds like something you would say to a friend!

Well, let's get one thing straight, nobody would be foolish enough to gold dig around me, and my partner had a situation like that long ago, and hated it.

What I am talking about are some simple things like an inexpensive pair of ,silver earings. I find them very attractive and liked to give them as gifts. No strings attached, not meant to blow her away by showing her how much I love her because would you look at that pricetag.

I viewed them as an expression of my feelings, and also an expression of my aesthetic sense, what I think looks good on her. ( she actually doesn't have much fashion sense, but it is a bit of a special interest to me). So for her to tell me to stop, made me feel like she was rejecting an important part of my e.xpression, and actually resulted in a net reduction of my attraction to her, as well as a way that I could help her be more attractive ( I don't mean to sound like I want her to look a certsin way or else, it's just that I felt a part of her attraction) In my previous marriage, I felt that attraction right up to the end, and a bit beyond, and was able to express it better than I can with my current mate. But that's a whole different thing, and has to do with deep compatibility and chemistry, which I really don't understand and truthfully am terrified by.

The feeling of love is definitely a tender feeling inside, but it is hard to express, and it has been often misplaced over the years, so I tend to keep it on a short leash. Once it hits the reality of a relationship, and the complexities of two lives coming together, I just don't see clearly.