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Nobody ever wants to listen!

Spidercat

Spidercat

Active Member
I have many interests and obsessions that change from time to time, although my enthusiasm and dedication stay the same. Because I get so excited and intense when I'm talking about them, people either call me weird or most of all, say I'm boring because I talk about the same things over and over again. I honestly can't help it and I don't recognize when people don't want to listen to me, so I just continue with what I'm saying unless someone tells me to shut up. Does anybody else ever get called boring? It's the one thing I really hate being labelled as.
 
I'm in the same boat and my dad had shown his annoyance with me when I come to his room and started talking about whatever had caught my interests when he's in the middle of working on something or is in the middle of a train of thought :/
 
GoofKing said:
I'm in the same boat and my dad had shown his annoyance with me when I come to his room and started talking about whatever had caught my interests when he's in the middle of working on something or is in the middle of a train of thought :/
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I have a tendency to do that all the time with both my parents and they also like to show their annoyance towards me. It annoys me more though. Dx
 
I do the same thing.

It most likely a Theory of Mind problem that we have.

I got this from "The compete guide to Asperger's syndrome by Tony Attwood"

The psychological term Theory of Mind (ToM) means the ability to recognize and
understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make
sense of their behaviour and predict what they are going to do next.
 
I wonder about this...I am not sociable enough to chat someone up about my interests to the point when they get bored or rude or whatever. What I wonder, sometimes, is if those same people expect others to listen to them? Do they expect you to listen while they ramble on about something you do not give a crap about? Sometimes, people have an inflated sense of how interesting they truly are & it distorts their ability to be engaged listeners when someone else is talking. Those types typically get all huffy when they think someone is not listening to them with rapt fascination. I would bet that these same people are not just doing this to hapless Aspies, but that they do it to many people: they may have inflated egos, poor listening skills or both.
 
Soup said:
I wonder about this...I am not sociable enough to chat someone up about my interests to the point when they get bored or rude or whatever. What I wonder, sometimes, is if those same people expect others to listen to them? Do they expect you to listen while they ramble on about something you do not give a crap about? Sometimes, people have an inflated sense of how interesting they truly are & it distorts their ability to be engaged listeners when someone else is talking. Those types typically get all huffy when they think someone is not listening to them with rapt fascination. I would bet that these same people are not just doing this to hapless Aspies, but that they do it to many people: they may have inflated egos, poor listening skills or both.
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That would make a lot of sense and I think you're right. I find it very hard to listen to somebody talk about something I have no interest in and I try to avoid it as much as I can. I don't have poor listening skills; I am just so uninterested in what some people are saying. Luckily, nobody really strikes up conversation with me and when they do, they never ramble on like me. Are you the same?
 
Similar indeed. But, as a small, conventionally cute woman, people often seem to feel compelled to come over & talk to me in order to help me get our of my (non-existent) shyness & to coax me out of my shell (it isn't a shell: just how I am!). One of my strategies is to keep moving. If I get dragged to some social event, NOT remaining planted in the same area for too long makes it harder for someone to spot me minding my freakin' business & come over to chat.
 
I remember when girls in school used to try and get me to talk to them :/ I suspected it was my light blue eyes with a bit of white mixed in them because people are always telling me how pretty my eyes are ...
 
Soup said:
Similar indeed. But, as a small, conventionally cute woman, people often seem to feel compelled to come over & talk to me in order to help me get our of my (non-existent) shyness & to coax me out of my shell (it isn't a shell: just how I am!). One of my strategies is to keep moving. If I get dragged to some social event, NOT remaining planted in the same area for too long makes it harder for someone to spot me minding my freakin' business & come over to chat.
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I get that all the time and it's frustrating as heck. That's a good idea, moving about. That'd be something I'd like to try but whenever I am in those situations, I tend to freeze or if I'm moving around amongst people, start having a panic attack. Any suggestions on how I can keep moving without stressing myself out?
 
GoofKing said:
I remember when girls in school used to try and get me to talk to them :/ I suspected it was my light blue eyes with a bit of white mixed in them because people are always telling me how pretty my eyes are ...
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I take it you didn't enjoy that?
 
i think that is a big one of my soicial coping mechenisms/adaptations. Its kind of sad, but I just except the fact that most people only want to hear about themselves. People are super egocentric. It sounds pessemistic, but its very true.

We are all guilty of being innerwardly focused.

I try, TRY and make myself listen more than I talk, even if i dont really care what the other person is saying.
 
GallacticGorilla said:
i think that is a big one of my soicial coping mechenisms/adaptations. Its kind of sad, but I just except the fact that most people only want to hear about themselves. People are super egocentric. It sounds pessemistic, but its very true.

We are all guilty of being innerwardly focused.

I try, TRY and make myself listen more than I talk, even if i dont really care what the other person is saying.
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Do you succeed at listening? I think I could improve my listening skills, although I don't particularly want to.
 
Yes my octo-legged feline friend. This works extremely well actually. Im not good at small talk, so when i am forced to make it, i can just deflect the conversation to talk about them . It works like a charm , But you cant be disingenuous about it. you need to actually care a tiny bit about what they are saying or it seems plastic/fake.

My motivation is probably not to get to know them, so much as Im probably more motivated by the desire to avoid socially awkward moments .

How do you socially blend in with NTs?
 
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GallacticGorilla said:
Yes my octo-legged feline friend. This works extremely well actually. Im not good at small talk, so when i am forced to make it, i can just deflect the conversation to talk about them . It works like a charm , But you cant be disingenuous about it. you need to actually care a tiny bit about what they are saying or it seems plastic/fake.

How do you socially blend in with NTs?
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I don't think I've ever been called something so interesting. Flipping it around on them...I like it! I've never considered doing that; certainly something I would like to try. Thanks. :)

How do I? I try to stay away from people in general, but when I am with them I just keep quiet or try to look like I'm busy i.e., I'll get a comic out and bury my head in it (not literally!), or put my headphones in and listen to some heavy/loud music. If I am "forced" to interact with others without distractions, I smile a lot. A ridiculous amount. I just don't want anyone asking me if I'm okay or, like Soup said, try to "coax me out of my shell". Not talking is the only way I blend in, because when I talk I either come across as rude, annoying or...neeuhghh...boring.
 
Well, I am assuming you are some combination of a cat and a spider. and LIke a an "Aracno-kitty" .I can picture you playing with a ball of yarn that you spun yourself, with all 8 of your weird furry cute legs?
 
GallacticGorilla said:
Well, I am assuming you are some combination of a cat and a spider. and LIke a an "Aracno-kitty" .I can picture you playing with a ball of yarn that you spun yourself, with all 8 of your weird furry cute legs?
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Aracno-Kitty, marvellous. Oh, yes. That's me. Spinning balls of yarn and crawling around with my many hairy legs.
 
I always found it interesting that people could ask you why you don't ever talk, but don't want to hear about what you want to talk about. I would be asked in high school all of the time "how come you're so quiet" or a variation of that question and I would always respond "I don't have anything to say" because I didn't(to most people). A lot of people ask that question, but a lot of people don't want to hear about how you did some random thing by yourself on the weekend or after school. I personally see myself as someone who responds to things better than starting things if that makes sense. If I attempt to start a conversation, it may be something that's hard to actually respond to with something other than yes or no, but if someone says something to me and I know what they are talking about, then I can listen and respond to them.
 
Spidercat said:
I get that all the time and it's frustrating as heck. That's a good idea, moving about. That'd be something I'd like to try but whenever I am in those situations, I tend to freeze or if I'm moving around amongst people, start having a panic attack. Any suggestions on how I can keep moving without stressing myself out?
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One of the very best social situation moving about strategies is to help out. If you are a guy, strangely, that may be even more appreciated by the hosts since it is usually the guys who go off & enjoy the event & a woman friend who helps out. There are always things to help with. Empty chip bowl? Walk right across the room to get it & bring it into the kitchen; then, take your time filling it up & ringing it back. By then, there will always be things to clear up, refill & replace. This way, you can keep moving without looking like a Roomba vacuum robot. If you drive, you can volunteer to run to the store for anything the party has run out of or the hosts forgot. If you can hack it, be that sober guy who drives drunken uncles home.
 
Soup said:
One of the very best social situation moving about strategies is to help out. If you are a guy, strangely, that may be even more appreciated by the hosts since it is usually the guys who go off & enjoy the event & a woman friend who helps out. There are always things to help with. Empty chip bowl? Walk right across the room to get it & bring it into the kitchen; then, take your time filling it up & ringing it back. By then, there will always be things to clear up, refill & replace. This way, you can keep moving without looking like a Roomba vacuum robot. If you drive, you can volunteer to run to the store for anything the party has run out of or the hosts forgot. If you can hack it, be that sober guy who drives drunken uncles home.
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Another clever idea. Thanks Soup. I like soup!
 
Soup said:
One of the very best social situation moving about strategies is to help out. If you are a guy, strangely, that may be even more appreciated by the hosts since it is usually the guys who go off & enjoy the event & a woman friend who helps out. There are always things to help with. Empty chip bowl? Walk right across the room to get it & bring it into the kitchen; then, take your time filling it up & ringing it back. By then, there will always be things to clear up, refill & replace. This way, you can keep moving without looking like a Roomba vacuum robot. If you drive, you can volunteer to run to the store for anything the party has run out of or the hosts forgot. If you can hack it, be that sober guy who drives drunken uncles home.
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Quite clever indeed. Yes, that is definitely something to try. Thanks a lot.
 
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