My Aspie partner (Nadador, here on AC) travels heavily for work, often to places with no cell service or Internet. As we have become more established, he's actually shown a bit more concern about leaving me--but he gets so caught up in whatever he's doing in the moment that I doubt he'd stay in very close touch, even if he could, once his mind adjusts to where he's at. He can be completely distracted at home, too, forgetting to call as agreed when he's out, or not coming home when planned. I'm a bit insecure in relationships, so it has definitely been an adjustment. I've had to accept that it isn't at all personal, but that he just gets very focused on whatever he's doing. He needs me, but he doesn't really
need me, in the sense that many NT partners do, thinking about their lover all of the time when apart.
I consider this, though. When he
does need me, it's in a very special way that few NTs every get to experience. He needs my help to understand the world, even some of his
inner world, which gives us the chance to bond in a way that's quite uncommon.
Something else I've come to understand is that my beloved Aspie partner has his own sense of time. Whilst I may be thinking, "It's been hours/days since I've seen him," he is often thinking only of what he has going on, not how long it's taking, or how long it feels to
me. Knowing how time is a bit more fluid for him has helped me deal with what would otherwise be worrying absences. I often joke with him, that whilst he's one of the only people I know who still wears a wristwatch, he never uses the bloody thing!
From what Nadador has told me, his need to be alone is very much like my own needs as an NT introvert, to recharge and regroup from the strain of social activity. There are other elements to it, such as a need to escape over-stimulation from light, sound, and hectic action from daily life, and he needs time to do his stims and tics (he also has Tourette's) and just be all of himself. He's explained to me that as an Aspie he wears a mask, and plays a role, to fit in with the NTs all around him. It takes a lot of effort, and he says he needs to put all of that away for a while each day and just exhale. He also needs time to focus on his interests, without me in the next room, which puts pressure on him to cut things short to be with me. I've learned not to take that personally, and moreover, I've learned how
crucial it is for me to understand that just saying, "Okay Darling, I'll just be in the living room" isn't enough when he needs time to himself. I need to be
gone. Completely
out of his living space.
Nadador is actually a rare "extrovert Aspie", but that doesn't reduce his need for time alone. It's just built into the AS personality. Giving him space makes him a better partner when he's with me.
If you do talk to your partner about these matters, I would suggest you think ahead about your feelings, needs, and motivations. Dissect them, and be objective about them. Prepare to explain your position in very explicit terms--no subtleties or dancing around the issue. Anticipate even the most
basic questions (you may get them!), or even a defencive reaction. He could seem frustrated, even a bit angry, but a lot of it may be frustration/anger with himself, for not seeing or meeting your needs. He may also not be able to answer your own statements or questions very well in the moment, as he may need time to process what you're putting to him. Be patient, and prepared to have to finish the discussion at a later time. Also, I've learned that the very
worst time to raise an important personal matter with my Aspie mate is during an argument. That's when things tend to come out in many relationships, NT/NT or NT/AS, but it's an urge you must learn to control. Think of it this way: Are you able to learn anything when you're emotionally upset? Multiply that by ten for an Aspie. Remember, this is a man who needs time alone to stay in balance. He needs calm and time to digest new information, especially about his behaviour.
I hope this helps, and good luck with your conversation. I'm still very much in the learning process, myself, so it feels good to be able to share what I've found.
