not feeling human

[merithra]

does anyone sometimes feel not human sometimes?

I would like to give some backstory to what I am about to say and to clarify what I mean with my thread title,

during my life I was raised within an impoverished, racist, anti-lgbtq area which was full of crime - everyone had become so accustomed to that view of life they did not see the errors of their ways, they indoctrinated their children just like they were as children into becoming racist, anti-lgbtq etc. and hate criming anyone who is different to them, it is a sad thing but it became normal so nobody questioned it - that area isn't known to anyone outside of the county, it is small and doesn't have any ammenities which makes it a forgetful, uneventful place for the people outside of the county.

There are many things that contribute to the things that are wrong with the area, the gangs that consistently begin turf wars over drugs and grooming children into becoming a part of these gangs, some of these children as young as 12 years old. Everyone knows each other due to how small this place is, and the local gangs indoctrinate people all the time into selling drugs for them, even their own family members which from my observations the parents have not intervented with despite knowing full well about it.

Unfortunately, that has lead to personal family members of mine being either dead or in jail which will remain with me forever - the worst part, the parents in the area still do not care about the gangs grooming their family members into being their mules, I would not wish the grief of losing family members on anyone, I cannot possibly understand why anyone would allow for that to happen.

Anyway, for the most part people did not leave this town or show interest in leaving at any time, if you were born there you were 99% of the time going to die there, people did not leave, the education services, healthcare etc. is very poor, again there are few ammenities. During my life family tried to indoctrinate me into being like them, however, this never worked which for me felt like a big thing because I had never met anyone with different views in my area, the indoctrination didn't work, the mind control and the abuse never stopped until the day I left, but I was never swayed into giving into their ideaologies.

I was raised within the exact same circumstances as other people, yet I was different, it makes no logical sense to me. During my childhood I was able to perform mathematics to a College level, I was able to read hexadecimal and I had so many other things that made me completely different compared to anyone else, I feel this intimidated my family because they knew I wasn't dumb, so they decided to control me through the use of my autism - convincing me I wasn't able to be independent, that I should never leave the area, never question the decisions of my parents/family etc.

at the time of writing this I am able to spot the traits I picked up because of them, because of them i was too afraid to go to bed without permisison, I feared I would upset them if I left them so I stayed downstairs until they went to bed even if I was very tired, I never spoke until spoken to because I fear what kind of abuse/gaslighting I woud receive, I would never eat unless I was permitted to because I always shamed about my weight, I did not want to upset them or receive personal attacks so I never ate until they gave me permission to. My hair was always forcibly shaved because I wasn't allowed to grow long hair, I had to always look masculine, I had to wear certain clothes, certain shoes and have a shaved head, if I didn't have these I would have my things gotten rid of and my head shaved, if I didn't comply I would receive abuse.

Overtime, this became normal. I was fearful during every moment of the day and I became a very private person, a tactic they used was convincing me I was stupid, like I was beneath them - I had many home intrusions from them because they had to know what I was doing even though I hadn't been doing anything wrong, I would be playing videogames and they would show up unannounced to monitor me and what I am doing within my home when I actually got my own house. Another tactic is they controlled my weight, i was never allowed to be under a certain weight and if they felt I had lost too much weight they would force feed me to get me back up to that weight again.

I am not the only person this happens to in that area, but how was I different? this might sound like I am experiencing grandiose delusions, but I personally believe I was meant to be born elsewhere, but I was born there a complete mismatch if that makes sense. It does not make logical sense to me I was able to overcome everything where many people failed.

as I am writing this I have moved to a different country where I am studying a Bachelors degree in Computer Science, I am beginning my transition (I am trans), I currently work two jobs, one in an apartment complex and another job working with a University within the tech department. This may not seem like a big deal, but I feel like I have achieved so much, yet, I still don't know how I did that, I ask myself the following questions; why am I different? what made me different to everyone else there? why did the indoctrination not work?

I feel there was so much against me, it was impossible for me to ever go on and do great things, during the last 12 months I have managed to escape the area I was in and begin a new life, I am still learning about the behaviours I exhibit due to the abuse, I have spotted several. but I still don't understand how I was different, it feels like I am an alien amongst society. I find it hard to adjust amongst everyone else, my brain operates in a different manner compared to my peers and I see things completely differently, I do feel like one amongst everyone else.

The questions still keep me up at night, what made me different? was it my autism? I don't know, there is no logical reasoning behind how this indoctrination didn't work, I cannot explain it. I feel like logically, I wasn't supposed to be like this, but I am.

my life is a lot better now, I am happy and I am doing what I love.

 

[Owliet]

does anyone sometimes feel not human sometimes?

I would like to give some backstory to what I am about to say and to clarify what I mean with my thread title,

during my life I was raised within an impoverished, racist, anti-lgbtq area which was full of crime - everyone had become so accustomed to that view of life they did not see the errors of their ways, they indoctrinated their children just like they were as children into becoming racist, anti-lgbtq etc. and hate criming anyone who is different to them, it is a sad thing but it became normal so nobody questioned it - that area isn't known to anyone outside of the county, it is small and doesn't have any ammenities which makes it a forgetful, uneventful place for the people outside of the county.

There are many things that contribute to the things that are wrong with the area, the gangs that consistently begin turf wars over drugs and grooming children into becoming a part of these gangs, some of these children as young as 12 years old. Everyone knows each other due to how small this place is, and the local gangs indoctrinate people all the time into selling drugs for them, even their own family members which from my observations the parents have not intervented with despite knowing full well about it.

Unfortunately, that has lead to personal family members of mine being either dead or in jail which will remain with me forever - the worst part, the parents in the area still do not care about the gangs grooming their family members into being their mules, I would not wish the grief of losing family members on anyone, I cannot possibly understand why anyone would allow for that to happen.

Anyway, for the most part people did not leave this town or show interest in leaving at any time, if you were born there you were 99% of the time going to die there, people did not leave, the education services, healthcare etc. is very poor, again there are few ammenities. During my life family tried to indoctrinate me into being like them, however, this never worked which for me felt like a big thing because I had never met anyone with different views in my area, the indoctrination didn't work, the mind control and the abuse never stopped until the day I left, but I was never swayed into giving into their ideaologies.

I was raised within the exact same circumstances as other people, yet I was different, it makes no logical sense to me. During my childhood I was able to perform mathematics to a College level, I was able to read hexadecimal and I had so many other things that made me completely different compared to anyone else, I feel this intimidated my family because they knew I wasn't dumb, so they decided to control me through the use of my autism - convincing me I wasn't able to be independent, that I should never leave the area, never question the decisions of my parents/family etc.

at the time of writing this I am able to spot the traits I picked up because of them, because of them i was too afraid to go to bed without permisison, I feared I would upset them if I left them so I stayed downstairs until they went to bed even if I was very tired, I never spoke until spoken to because I fear what kind of abuse/gaslighting I woud receive, I would never eat unless I was permitted to because I always shamed about my weight, I did not want to upset them or receive personal attacks so I never ate until they gave me permission to. My hair was always forcibly shaved because I wasn't allowed to grow long hair, I had to always look masculine, I had to wear certain clothes, certain shoes and have a shaved head, if I didn't have these I would have my things gotten rid of and my head shaved, if I didn't comply I would receive abuse.

Overtime, this became normal. I was fearful during every moment of the day and I became a very private person, a tactic they used was convincing me I was stupid, like I was beneath them - I had many home intrusions from them because they had to know what I was doing even though I hadn't been doing anything wrong, I would be playing videogames and they would show up unannounced to monitor me and what I am doing within my home when I actually got my own house. Another tactic is they controlled my weight, i was never allowed to be under a certain weight and if they felt I had lost too much weight they would force feed me to get me back up to that weight again.

I am not the only person this happens to in that area, but how was I different? this might sound like I am experiencing grandiose delusions, but I personally believe I was meant to be born elsewhere, but I was born there a complete mismatch if that makes sense. It does not make logical sense to me I was able to overcome everything where many people failed.

as I am writing this I have moved to a different country where I am studying a Bachelors degree in Computer Science, I am beginning my transition (I am trans), I currently work two jobs, one in an apartment complex and another job working with a University within the tech department. This may not seem like a big deal, but I feel like I have achieved so much, yet, I still don't know how I did that, I ask myself the following questions; why am I different? what made me different to everyone else there? why did the indoctrination not work?

I feel there was so much against me, it was impossible for me to ever go on and do great things, during the last 12 months I have managed to escape the area I was in and begin a new life, I am still learning about the behaviours I exhibit due to the abuse, I have spotted several. but I still don't understand how I was different, it feels like I am an alien amongst society. I find it hard to adjust amongst everyone else, my brain operates in a different manner compared to my peers and I see things completely differently, I do feel like one amongst everyone else.

The questions still keep me up at night, what made me different? was it my autism? I don't know, there is no logical reasoning behind how this indoctrination didn't work, I cannot explain it. I feel like logically, I wasn't supposed to be like this, but I am.

my life is a lot better now, I am happy and I am doing what I love.

I think feeling like you are an alien in society is also an aspect of being ASD. I grew up in nice neighborhoods, I mean Switzerland is pretty safe in general and most of my life has been in the countryside or semi-urban areas, so I have never experienced the high crime areas like A big city would. However, even here the attitude of (mostly older people) anti LGBTQ, racism, misogynistic attitudes have impacted me growing up. I am not Heterosexual. My mom is heavily homophobic (i have a complex relationship with my mom, so I don’t want to go into too much here), so growing up was really confusing for me, and I tried so hard to be “normal” that I pushed myself to have some form of a sexual interaction with a guy and that was destroying. But her rants, and the hatred here is also painful. My mom is also racist, and so are a lot of people around where I live and I am so very glad I am not. I am not sure how I managed to not become one, but even that is soul destroying to deal with of saying how wrong someone is for this amount of hatred. Growing up, being ASD is one of things that you realized that there are some good things about it because you are different. You do think and see differently and you have your quirks (is that the right word?) and traits that make up you — even if you’ve had to learn them through some form of trauma. This is something that you’ve chosen to respond to, and that’s important. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I have never felt like I ever have. People still perplex Me, but even if I have some differences about things, I know that it is also because of my ASD that has Partly helped to shape me.

Glad that you are doing much better.=)

 

[Misery]

why am I different? what made me different to everyone else there? why did the indoctrination not work?

So, this is just a personal theory of mine, others may disagree with this, but when it comes to this sort of thing, the "these ideas didnt work on me" concept, my theory is this: being on the spectrum is, well... like being wired differently, is how I always hear it. The way I think about it though is that it's more like the difference between a Windows PC and a Mac. They're both computers, they can both do a lot of the same things, but internally they're wildly different. They'll go about things differently and what works well for one may not work well for the other.

And that may be why something like indoctrination didnt work. It's something I've noticed in myself too... I never had anyone try to force me to think a certain way, but something I realized is that there are other ways in which someone will try to control you. Ads are the biggest example of this. Ads and all things related to them. Companies trying to get you to buy or use their whatever. And all this stuff just bounces right off of me, always has. I can watch family members... including those who should know better (my father & stepmother, who work in a business adjacent to advertising)... fall for all sorts of corporate trickery, but... it doesnt work on me. Never has. Which is darned useful, it means I only end up buying things that turn out to ACTUALLY be useful and worth the money. Particularly useful as a gamer, makes it real darned easy to avoid certain predatory ideas in that hobby.

And WHY cant that stuff work on me? Back to the computer analogy, the way I see it is that it's like trying to run Windows software on a Mac without anything facilitating it. It just isnt going to do anything at all. There's incompatibility at a fundamental level. Things like ads, or political campaigns, or a million other things are essentially "formatted" to work on the masses... as many people as possible all at once. Generally, meant for neurotypical minds. Companies pour BILLIONS into researching ways to do this and manipulate people, and it's very focused on that. So, when it hits someone on the spectrum, it has a pretty high chance of simply not being able to do anything, because it's a program smacking into the wrong OS.

That's my analogy for how I see it, anyway, just my own personal thoughts on the matter. Could be wrong, but... yeah that's just my theory. Obviously in your situation there's no big corporation behind what was happening, but... even things such as basic indoctrination into whatever function in this way. Designed to drill into your mind and reprogram... but it's hard to do that on an incompatible OS.

Does that make sense? Or am I just making this more confusing?

as I am writing this I have moved to a different country where I am studying a Bachelors degree in Computer Science, I am beginning my transition (I am trans)

I just wanted to say, I think it's great you're starting on your transition.

Trans here too (MtF), it's a pretty recent realization and I only just about a month ago came out on the forum here (havent come out to family yet). So I know what it's like and how tough it can be. Very tough indeed, for so many.

But you toughed it out and got far enough to transition... definitely something to be proud of. Well done.

Also I wanted to say that if you ever feel the need to discuss anything related to that topic, this forum is a safe place for it. I'm pointing this out as I know for topics like this it can be hard to know where is safe and where is not, but... yeah, I can vouch for this being a safe place for it. Everyone here is wonderful.

 

[Owliet]

Trans here too (MtF), it's a pretty recent realization and I only just about a month ago came out on the forum here (havent come out to family yet). So I know what it's like and how tough it can be. Very tough indeed, for so many.

I wish you all the best with your transition to Misery.=) I don’t know what your family are like but I hope that you can find the right time to come out to them without any negatives coming forth. I came out as a lesbian to my sibling at 18 and a year later to my dad, I have never come out to my mom, and I find it very difficult and upsetting when she goes on her anti-gay rants. So, I also hope that you and @merithra have other forms of support too.=)

 

[merithra]

So, this is just a personal theory of mine, others may disagree with this, but when it comes to this sort of thing, the "these ideas didnt work on me" concept, my theory is this: being on the spectrum is, well... like being wired differently, is how I always hear it. The way I think about it though is that it's more like the difference between a Windows PC and a Mac. They're both computers, they can both do a lot of the same things, but internally they're wildly different. They'll go about things differently and what works well for one may not work well for the other.

And that may be why something like indoctrination didnt work. It's something I've noticed in myself too... I never had anyone try to force me to think a certain way, but something I realized is that there are other ways in which someone will try to control you. Ads are the biggest example of this. Ads and all things related to them. Companies trying to get you to buy or use their whatever. And all this stuff just bounces right off of me, always has. I can watch family members... including those who should know better (my father & stepmother, who work in a business adjacent to advertising)... fall for all sorts of corporate trickery, but... it doesnt work on me. Never has. Which is darned useful, it means I only end up buying things that turn out to ACTUALLY be useful and worth the money. Particularly useful as a gamer, makes it real darned easy to avoid certain predatory ideas in that hobby.

And WHY cant that stuff work on me? Back to the computer analogy, the way I see it is that it's like trying to run Windows software on a Mac without anything facilitating it. It just isnt going to do anything at all. There's incompatibility at a fundamental level. Things like ads, or political campaigns, or a million other things are essentially "formatted" to work on the masses... as many people as possible all at once. Generally, meant for neurotypical minds. Companies pour BILLIONS into researching ways to do this and manipulate people, and it's very focused on that. So, when it hits someone on the spectrum, it has a pretty high chance of simply not being able to do anything, because it's a program smacking into the wrong OS.

That's my analogy for how I see it, anyway, just my own personal thoughts on the matter. Could be wrong, but... yeah that's just my theory. Obviously in your situation there's no big corporation behind what was happening, but... even things such as basic indoctrination into whatever function in this way. Designed to drill into your mind and reprogram... but it's hard to do that on an incompatible OS.

Does that make sense? Or am I just making this more confusing?




I just wanted to say, I think it's great you're starting on your transition.

Trans here too (MtF), it's a pretty recent realization and I only just about a month ago came out on the forum here (havent come out to family yet). So I know what it's like and how tough it can be. Very tough indeed, for so many.

But you toughed it out and got far enough to transition... definitely something to be proud of. Well done.

Also I wanted to say that if you ever feel the need to discuss anything related to that topic, this forum is a safe place for it. I'm pointing this out as I know for topics like this it can be hard to know where is safe and where is not, but... yeah, I can vouch for this being a safe place for it. Everyone here is wonderful.

thank you for your words, I like your analogy about Windows and MacOS. Honestly, you're correct. It never felt like it worked, so then the mind control and the abuse came. I do feel like they were intimidated by the fact I was different because they knew it wasn't going to work, it wouldn't be easy to mould me into their property. I appreciate your reassuring words about the forum being a safe space, I have used places like Discord but family tracked me down on it and I couldn't use it anymore, thank you. It is nice to see other trans people on here.

 

[merithra]

I think feeling like you are an alien in society is also an aspect of being ASD. I grew up in nice neighborhoods, I mean Switzerland is pretty safe in general and most of my life has been in the countryside or semi-urban areas, so I have never experienced the high crime areas like A big city would. However, even here the attitude of (mostly older people) anti LGBTQ, racism, misogynistic attitudes have impacted me growing up. I am not Heterosexual. My mom is heavily homophobic (i have a complex relationship with my mom, so I don’t want to go into too much here), so growing up was really confusing for me, and I tried so hard to be “normal” that I pushed myself to have some form of a sexual interaction with a guy and that was destroying. But her rants, and the hatred here is also painful. My mom is also racist, and so are a lot of people around where I live and I am so very glad I am not. I am not sure how I managed to not become one, but even that is soul destroying to deal with of saying how wrong someone is for this amount of hatred. Growing up, being ASD is one of things that you realized that there are some good things about it because you are different. You do think and see differently and you have your quirks (is that the right word?) and traits that make up you — even if you’ve had to learn them through some form of trauma. This is something that you’ve chosen to respond to, and that’s important. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I have never felt like I ever have. People still perplex Me, but even if I have some differences about things, I know that it is also because of my ASD that has Partly helped to shape me.

Glad that you are doing much better.=)

I completely understand, it is nice to be different, because what if I wasn't? the indoctrination would have worked and I wouldn't be posting on this forum right now, I would be locked in the house with no access to a forum like this, it is great to be different in the ways that separate me from them. I hope things improve within your situation also thanks for the words

 

[Owliet]

I completely understand, it is nice to be different, because what if I wasn't? the indoctrination would have worked and I wouldn't be posting on this forum right now, I would be locked in the house with no access to a forum like this, it is great to be different in the ways that separate me from them. I hope things improve within your situation also thanks for the words

Yes, exactly. I mean, obviously there are some people with ASD who are also racist, homophobic, misogynistic etc but i think it is how we have chosen to react to these situations that have spared us from falling down that loop. Or we are just totally awesome anyway.

For study, I once had to read some books on psychology about nature vs nurture and whilst I do think that we are influenced by our family, We are also influenced by other areas around us more than just our area. =)

 

[merithra]

Yes, exactly. I mean, obviously there are some people with ASD who are also racist, homophobic, misogynistic etc but i think it is how we have chosen to react to these situations that have spared us from falling down that loop. Or we are just totally awesome anyway.

For study, I once had to read some books on psychology about nature vs nurture and whilst I do think that we are influenced by our family, We are also influenced by other areas around us more than just our area. =)

of course, thank you for your words.
I do think that outside influences such as internet access or any sort of media will help too, having safe spaces to go to when I was under control helped

 

[Misery]

I have used places like Discord

Oh geez, I can only imagine what that might have been like.

Discord aint exactly the most positive place in an overall sense. Been there, felt like I needed 5 showers afterwards.

I completely understand, it is nice to be different, because what if I wasn't? the indoctrination would have worked and I wouldn't be posting on this forum right now

Yeah, I've had this thought.

Every now and then I have the dark idea of "why couldnt I have just been normal?", but shortly after I will then think about how "normal" people often tend to act, and.... *shudder*

Yeah, glad to be different.

I wish you all the best with your transition to Misery.=) I don’t know what your family are like but I hope that you can find the right time to come out to them without any negatives coming forth.

Fortunately no reason to worry in my case. Family is always super accepting about basically everything. The only complaint I'm expecting is that my father is likely to be a bit offended that I didnt tell him earlier than now. Though I've reason to believe he suspects the whole thing anyway but hasnt brought it up as he worries about making me uncomfortable.

What I'm fighting isnt any of them, but really just my own dark aspects that are still partly in control. So many years of not just masking, but also trying to convince myself that this wasnt true (that traditional "resistance against change and new realizations" that goes along with autism sometimes), and... yeah. It's hard to break away from habits so entrenched as that, and get past my own overblown sense of pointless worry and embarrassment. But I'll bloody well do it anyway.

 

[Rodafina]

my life is a lot better now, I am happy and I am doing what I love.

I honor the complexity of your full story and long journey, and I think it’s amazing for you to end a post in this way. To have hope and optimism is such a powerful thing, and it shows, based on your story, incredible resilience.

I think this is the key, resilience. Being able to not only makes sense of horrible things, but to muster the bravery, the strength, and the resources to move forward from them in the direction that you want to.

Thank you for sharing your story here. The funny thing is, although my experience on this earth has been entirely different, I can still relate to much of what you said. I’ll focus on the subject of the post, which is the questioning of our humanity.

I think you may be able to see the description under my name I wrote “hopefully human.” Sometimes that’s a bit of a lie, because I think I prefer the idea of not being human, and I refer to myself as a robot or an alien on a regular basis. But, that seems to be such a commonality among us who have experienced life with autism.

But, this feeling of being alien, or different, or somehow confused by how humans can go through life having experiences that we just don’t have, sounds like it also saved you from a hateful and bigoted world. Maybe saved you is not the right words, but it helped you escape. By going through that world that you grew up in as somewhat of an alien, you were able to maintain your own identity and become your true self going forward.

I wonder if when we ask ourselves “are we even human?” It is just the loneliness and solitude of a life feeling different and misunderstood coming through. Indeed, we are wholly human, just a different type. The world has forgotten the wide array of humans out there. But at the same time, I completely understand desperately wanting a home world. A place where you are like the others and when people say I understand, you know they mean it.

 

[merithra]

Oh geez, I can only imagine what that might have been like.

Discord aint exactly the most positive place in an overall sense. Been there, felt like I needed 5 showers afterwards.



Yeah, I've had this thought.

Every now and then I have the dark idea of "why couldnt I have just been normal?", but shortly after I will then think about how "normal" people often tend to act, and.... *shudder*

Yeah, glad to be different.



Fortunately no reason to worry in my case. Family is always super accepting about basically everything. The only complaint I'm expecting is that my father is likely to be a bit offended that I didnt tell him earlier than now. Though I've reason to believe he suspects the whole thing anyway but hasnt brought it up as he worries about making me uncomfortable.

What I'm fighting isnt any of them, but really just my own dark aspects that are still partly in control. So many years of not just masking, but also trying to convince myself that this wasnt true (that traditional "resistance against change and new realizations" that goes along with autism sometimes), and... yeah. It's hard to break away from habits so entrenched as that, and get past my own overblown sense of pointless worry and embarrassment. But I'll bloody well do it anyway.

I hope that things go well for you, I wish you the best of luck within your transition. You are brave and I can assure you that it is really nice to finally get to be who you are and be accepted

 

[Owliet]

Every now and then I have the dark idea of "why couldnt I have just been normal?", but shortly after I will then think about how "normal" people often tend to act, and.... *shudder*

Yes, realizing that is a bit of relief.=)

Fortunately no reason to worry in my case. Family is always super accepting about basically everything. The only complaint I'm expecting is that my father is likely to be a bit offended that I didnt tell him earlier than now. Though I've reason to believe he suspects the whole thing anyway but hasnt brought it up as he worries about making me uncomfortable.

Oh, that’s great! Hopefully you’ll be able to talk about it when you are ready.=)

So many years of not just masking, but also trying to convince myself that this wasnt true (that traditional "resistance against change and new realizations" that goes along with autism sometimes), and... yeah. It's hard to break away from habits so entrenched as that, and get past my own overblown sense of pointless worry and embarrassment. But I'll bloody well do it anyway.

Yes, it is the same for me. So many years of fighting it, and thinking that if I just did what my mom wanted me to be like, since I am Not really what she wants anyway because of my AS….and then having to hide what and who i am. My teenage years were a complete mess, it was no wonder that I had so many ups and downs with my mental health.


If anyone can do it, you totally can.=)

 

[merithra]

I honor the complexity of your full story and long journey, and I think it’s amazing for you to end a post in this way. To have hope and optimism is such a powerful thing, and it shows, based on your story, incredible resilience.

I think this is the key, resilience. Being able to not only makes sense of horrible things, but to muster the bravery, the strength, and the resources to move forward from them in the direction that you want to.

Thank you for sharing your story here. The funny thing is, although my experience on this earth has been entirely different, I can still relate to much of what you said. I’ll focus on the subject of the post, which is the questioning of our humanity.

I think you may be able to see the description under my name I wrote “hopefully human.” Sometimes that’s a bit of a lie, because I think I prefer the idea of not being human, and I refer to myself as a robot or an alien on a regular basis. But, that seems to be such a commonality among us who have experienced life with autism.

But, this feeling of being alien, or different, or somehow confused by how humans can go through life having experiences that we just don’t have, sounds like it also saved you from a hateful and bigoted world. Maybe saved you is not the right words, but it helped you escape. By going through that world that you grew up in as somewhat of an alien, you were able to maintain your own identity and become your true self going forward.

I wonder if when we ask ourselves “are we even human?” It is just the loneliness and solitude of a life feeling different and misunderstood coming through. Indeed, we are wholly human, just a different type. The world has forgotten the wide array of humans out there. But at the same time, I completely understand desperately wanting a home world. A place where you are like the others and when people say I understand, you know they mean it.

Thank you for the kind words, they mean a lot to me.
for some reason there is a comforting feeling in preferring to not be human, I am glad I am not the only one who notices that, I absolutely agree with your statement about asking ourselves if we are human, I believe it comes from being misunderstood and not being able to align oneself to what everyone else is accustomed to.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

That sounds absolutely terrible! I'm really glad that you are doing better now and escaped from that toxic and horrible place. I'm not surprised to hear you have complex feelings about yourself after surviving an abusive childhood. I also want to congratulate you on still keeping your sense of self and transitioning despite growing up in an anti LGBTQIA+ household. It's very common for people to keep their true self hidden or be too ashamed to even think about their gender and sexual identity with a family like that.

Now, why did you escape while others did not? This is a very good question, and an understandable one considering the circumstances. One thing I have noticed is that autists tend to be way more stubborn than most people. If something fundamentally doesn't make sense to you at one point, no amount of indoctrination will get it to make more sense than it did. As racists, bigots and others tend to hold very irrational beliefs, it can feel almost impossible to square those views with our own internal conviction, while other people can be more flexible and easier to "break". It doesn't make them weaker or somehow less worthy, they are just different and tend not to have the same tenacity. Masking, anxiety and conflict avoidance is also very common with people on the spectrum, and while it is damaging to our psyche over a prolonged period, it is also a valid defensive mechanism in a society where non-conformity will get others to grind you down, harass you or worse over your differences. Masking allows you to preserve and protect your core values and thoughts while keeping them hidden from people, and gets people (like your family) to underestimate you as they see you as a simple minded weakling when you are anything but.

Escaping from your situation is a very difficult task; Otherwise most people still wouldn't be stuck there. You can be proud of yourself for not letting your family break you and managing to start building your own life for your own purposes. I am sure you will face many more difficulties in your life, some stemming from your time growing up and family, while some will be entirely new, but please don't shortchange yourself and your achievements. You have claimed your own life from being under the influence of people who wanted to control and shape you which is remarkable. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing what you know is best for you.

 

[merithra]

That sounds absolutely terrible! I'm really glad that you are doing better now and escaped from that toxic and horrible place. I'm not surprised to hear you have complex feelings about yourself after surviving an abusive childhood. I also want to congratulate you on still keeping your sense of self and transitioning despite growing up in an anti LGBTQIA+ household. It's very common for people to keep their true self hidden or be too ashamed to even think about their gender and sexual identity with a family like that.

Now, why did you escape while others did not? This is a very good question, and an understandable one considering the circumstances. One thing I have noticed is that autists tend to be way more stubborn than most people. If something fundamentally doesn't make sense to you at one point, no amount of indoctrination will get it to make more sense than it did. As racists, bigots and others tend to hold very irrational beliefs, it can feel almost impossible to square those views with our own internal conviction, while other people can be more flexible and easier to "break". It doesn't make them weaker or somehow less worthy, they are just different and tend not to have the same tenacity. Masking, anxiety and conflict avoidance is also very common with people on the spectrum, and while it is damaging to our psyche over a prolonged period, it is also a valid defensive mechanism in a society where non-conformity will get others to grind you down, harass you or worse over your differences. Masking allows you to preserve and protect your core values and thoughts while keeping them hidden from people, and gets people (like your family) to underestimate you as they see you as a simple minded weakling when you are anything but.

Escaping from your situation is a very difficult task; Otherwise most people still wouldn't be stuck there. You can be proud of yourself for not letting your family break you and managing to start building your own life for your own purposes. I am sure you will face many more difficulties in your life, some stemming from your time growing up and family, while some will be entirely new, but please don't shortchange yourself and your achievements. You have claimed your own life from being under the influence of people who wanted to control and shape you which is remarkable. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing what you know is best for you.

Thank you for your kind words, it was a difficult time.
it is scary to think that many people are like myself in how they were raised and still live there, feeding into hate, will never have the desire to leave etc. but I am thankful I escaped

I broke many times across that period, I had planned my escape for five years and I was finally able to execute the plan.

 

[Rodafina]

@merithra,
Misery already knows I like looking to rainbows for hope, so, I will share this lovely hopeful rainbow that was cast on my wall yesterday by a crystal hanging in the window.

It’s good that you found us and people to talk to here who can appreciate your strength, your identity, and your personality just as you are.

 

[merithra]

@merithra,
Misery already knows I like looking to rainbows for hope, so, I will share this lovely hopeful rainbow that was cast on my wall yesterday by a crystal hanging in the window.

View attachment 89729

It’s good that you found us and people to talk to here who can appreciate your strength, your identity, and your personality just as you are.

thank you, this means a lot to me <3
That is a pretty rainbow

 

[Aspychata]

thank you, this means a lot to me <3
That is a pretty rainbow

This post was quite engaging to read. It seems that some of us are breaking chains and coming out as we truly want to be seen. In the end, you chose freedom over being a tool for drug people to force you into a type of slavery. And taking away all your rights is the way this mentality controls the lab rats. They punish and abuse you no matter what you do, installing fear, and obedience and constant chaos, which is the most severe forms of gaslighting.

One thing you will notice about yourself is a heightened sensitivity to people in general, trying to manipulating you or those around you.

I came thru severe gaslighting myself, and l have a razor sharp awareness of people using these tactics on me. I still have to snap out of learned helplessness occasionally however, it's become way better.

Perhaps you can donate time to nonprofit organizations that are trying to help young adults trying to breakout of this type of slavery when you get to that point in your life.

Congratulations. We all here have much to learn from you and your strength and perseverance.

 

[Outdated]

I also grew up in an area not too different to what Merithra describes, although not as severe.

As a child my fondest daydream was that one day a man from the government would come and get me and give me back to my real family.

No attempts at making me think like everyone else ever worked, many people, including a few girlfriends, tried to train me like a puppy. I found their attempts to be amateurish even though a lot of them thought they were being subtle. Sometimes I'd even play along with it a little bit just for the fun of throwing it back in their faces a few days later.

I always just had to be me.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

does anyone sometimes feel not human sometimes?

Sometimes, but only if people are actively making me feel that way. Some people have a very limited view of what human is, because they need to feel nothing's wrong with them. I try to remember that most people don't seem to like themselves. I'm glad you're doing better, but can understand why the question may nag you at times. You are human!