HorrendousHexapod
Member
I don't know if anything I ever do is good enough.
I feel like I've fallen behind in so many aspects of my life and I don't know how to move forward. I just graduated University at the end of last year, I've been searching for a job for a while and have had no luck. Everyone I've sent out to has either ignored me or said I didn't get the job. I've been tidying up my resume so I can stand out, added some hands on experiences I did in Uni that I thought would stand out which are relevant to the fields I want to break into, only for me to find out that the ATS system employers use to identify resumes doesn't register any of them, and demands that I use quantifiable experience instead. Aside from those things I did in uni, the only jobs I've had before then have been for an archive room in a school, working in a museum wet store, and working as a groundskeeper, I have no idea how I'm supposed to quantify any of that. I feel like everyone else around me in my age group has everything figured out, and I'm still stumbling around with no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do.
I keep trying to find jobs, rarely ever actually finding anything that doesn't already require years of experiences, but I struggle to even do that because of this overwhelming fear I have that it'll be too much for me. I struggle a lot with procrastinating too, sometimes whenever I have to do something I get distracted by something else and lose focus, sometimes for hours on end, but I'm not sure its just that anymore. I can't even find the energy to do the things I love anymore, and whenever I do, I feel like I just end up half asking them without trying to. I'm just really scared of messing up. Whenever I do I always worry that people will hate me for it or think I'm annoying, and even when something happens that isn't my fault, I always feel scared anticipating people's anger or sadness.
I try to go to others for help with my problems, but sometimes it feels as though I'm being talked down to whenever somebody turns my problem into a lecture about how I'm doing something wrong, and other times it feels like people will just take my problems from me and turn them into their own. I don't know if I'm misreading this, and I know that they have good intentions, but sometimes it feels like people are just babying me instead of actually helping me. Like, I'll tell my parents that I'm looking for a job, and they'll look up jobs for me on my behalf or draft cover letters for me even when I never even ask them. It just feels so draining when people don't let me do things at my own pace.
Politics have also become a major downside of my life as well. there's just so much wrong with the world that it's overwhelming, until recently I used to go for weeks where I would worry about something politics related for at least an hour a day. I can't even push the thoughts out of my mind like most people, they linger and fester around until I eventually get too tired of arguing the same talking points over and over again. I struggle to form opinions about some things because I always just assume that I'm wrong, or ill informed, or stupid. This fear made me force myself to look up things like conspiracy theories, young earth creationism, pseudoscience, bigoted political forums and so on, forcing myself to be open minded. Every time I felt like I had addressed something, it was always followed by this undercurrent that I was actually wrong, and that I wasn't looking deeply enough into whatever these people were saying, and whenever I so much as wanted a break id always guilt myself into going back. Do I not want to engage in politics because I don't want to damage my worldview? Or is it because I don't want to go down another rabbit hole which consumes everything in my life?
That's not even the worst of it. for the last ten years I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts, about hating people, wanting terrible things to happen to them, wanting the world or the universe to end, all things that I don't mean or want to happen but keep trying to combat because I'm worried that if I don't I'll eventually mean it, or even more implausibly, that somehow they'll manifest into the real world in some way. sometimes I can't even hear the name of a person or animal or look at their photos without wishing terrible things. I know deep down that these thoughts aren't genuine and that nothing will happen, but it's been going on for so long that I don't know how to stop.
I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to tell someone, but part of me is scared of doing so. It's also happening at the worst possible time. My grandmother died last year, my grandfather's currently in and out of hospital, stressing the hell out of my dad, my mums also pretty busy too, and I'd feel guilty if I got them to spend any more money on me than they already do. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just ambling through life without knowing what I'm doing, with dreams I feel like I'm never gonna be able to follow through on.
I feel like I've fallen behind in so many aspects of my life and I don't know how to move forward. I just graduated University at the end of last year, I've been searching for a job for a while and have had no luck. Everyone I've sent out to has either ignored me or said I didn't get the job. I've been tidying up my resume so I can stand out, added some hands on experiences I did in Uni that I thought would stand out which are relevant to the fields I want to break into, only for me to find out that the ATS system employers use to identify resumes doesn't register any of them, and demands that I use quantifiable experience instead. Aside from those things I did in uni, the only jobs I've had before then have been for an archive room in a school, working in a museum wet store, and working as a groundskeeper, I have no idea how I'm supposed to quantify any of that. I feel like everyone else around me in my age group has everything figured out, and I'm still stumbling around with no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do.
I keep trying to find jobs, rarely ever actually finding anything that doesn't already require years of experiences, but I struggle to even do that because of this overwhelming fear I have that it'll be too much for me. I struggle a lot with procrastinating too, sometimes whenever I have to do something I get distracted by something else and lose focus, sometimes for hours on end, but I'm not sure its just that anymore. I can't even find the energy to do the things I love anymore, and whenever I do, I feel like I just end up half asking them without trying to. I'm just really scared of messing up. Whenever I do I always worry that people will hate me for it or think I'm annoying, and even when something happens that isn't my fault, I always feel scared anticipating people's anger or sadness.
I try to go to others for help with my problems, but sometimes it feels as though I'm being talked down to whenever somebody turns my problem into a lecture about how I'm doing something wrong, and other times it feels like people will just take my problems from me and turn them into their own. I don't know if I'm misreading this, and I know that they have good intentions, but sometimes it feels like people are just babying me instead of actually helping me. Like, I'll tell my parents that I'm looking for a job, and they'll look up jobs for me on my behalf or draft cover letters for me even when I never even ask them. It just feels so draining when people don't let me do things at my own pace.
Politics have also become a major downside of my life as well. there's just so much wrong with the world that it's overwhelming, until recently I used to go for weeks where I would worry about something politics related for at least an hour a day. I can't even push the thoughts out of my mind like most people, they linger and fester around until I eventually get too tired of arguing the same talking points over and over again. I struggle to form opinions about some things because I always just assume that I'm wrong, or ill informed, or stupid. This fear made me force myself to look up things like conspiracy theories, young earth creationism, pseudoscience, bigoted political forums and so on, forcing myself to be open minded. Every time I felt like I had addressed something, it was always followed by this undercurrent that I was actually wrong, and that I wasn't looking deeply enough into whatever these people were saying, and whenever I so much as wanted a break id always guilt myself into going back. Do I not want to engage in politics because I don't want to damage my worldview? Or is it because I don't want to go down another rabbit hole which consumes everything in my life?
That's not even the worst of it. for the last ten years I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts, about hating people, wanting terrible things to happen to them, wanting the world or the universe to end, all things that I don't mean or want to happen but keep trying to combat because I'm worried that if I don't I'll eventually mean it, or even more implausibly, that somehow they'll manifest into the real world in some way. sometimes I can't even hear the name of a person or animal or look at their photos without wishing terrible things. I know deep down that these thoughts aren't genuine and that nothing will happen, but it's been going on for so long that I don't know how to stop.
I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to tell someone, but part of me is scared of doing so. It's also happening at the worst possible time. My grandmother died last year, my grandfather's currently in and out of hospital, stressing the hell out of my dad, my mums also pretty busy too, and I'd feel guilty if I got them to spend any more money on me than they already do. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just ambling through life without knowing what I'm doing, with dreams I feel like I'm never gonna be able to follow through on.
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