Not Good Enough

[HorrendousHexapod]

I don't know if anything I ever do is good enough.

I feel like I've fallen behind in so many aspects of my life and I don't know how to move forward. I just graduated University at the end of last year, I've been searching for a job for a while and have had no luck. Everyone I've sent out to has either ignored me or said I didn't get the job. I've been tidying up my resume so I can stand out, added some hands on experiences I did in Uni that I thought would stand out which are relevant to the fields I want to break into, only for me to find out that the ATS system employers use to identify resumes doesn't register any of them, and demands that I use quantifiable experience instead. Aside from those things I did in uni, the only jobs I've had before then have been for an archive room in a school, working in a museum wet store, and working as a groundskeeper, I have no idea how I'm supposed to quantify any of that. I feel like everyone else around me in my age group has everything figured out, and I'm still stumbling around with no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I keep trying to find jobs, rarely ever actually finding anything that doesn't already require years of experiences, but I struggle to even do that because of this overwhelming fear I have that it'll be too much for me. I struggle a lot with procrastinating too, sometimes whenever I have to do something I get distracted by something else and lose focus, sometimes for hours on end, but I'm not sure its just that anymore. I can't even find the energy to do the things I love anymore, and whenever I do, I feel like I just end up half asking them without trying to. I'm just really scared of messing up. Whenever I do I always worry that people will hate me for it or think I'm annoying, and even when something happens that isn't my fault, I always feel scared anticipating people's anger or sadness.

I try to go to others for help with my problems, but sometimes it feels as though I'm being talked down to whenever somebody turns my problem into a lecture about how I'm doing something wrong, and other times it feels like people will just take my problems from me and turn them into their own. I don't know if I'm misreading this, and I know that they have good intentions, but sometimes it feels like people are just babying me instead of actually helping me. Like, I'll tell my parents that I'm looking for a job, and they'll look up jobs for me on my behalf or draft cover letters for me even when I never even ask them. It just feels so draining when people don't let me do things at my own pace.

Politics have also become a major downside of my life as well. there's just so much wrong with the world that it's overwhelming, until recently I used to go for weeks where I would worry about something politics related for at least an hour a day. I can't even push the thoughts out of my mind like most people, they linger and fester around until I eventually get too tired of arguing the same talking points over and over again. I struggle to form opinions about some things because I always just assume that I'm wrong, or ill informed, or stupid. This fear made me force myself to look up things like conspiracy theories, young earth creationism, pseudoscience, bigoted political forums and so on, forcing myself to be open minded. Every time I felt like I had addressed something, it was always followed by this undercurrent that I was actually wrong, and that I wasn't looking deeply enough into whatever these people were saying, and whenever I so much as wanted a break id always guilt myself into going back. Do I not want to engage in politics because I don't want to damage my worldview? Or is it because I don't want to go down another rabbit hole which consumes everything in my life?

That's not even the worst of it. for the last ten years I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts, about hating people, wanting terrible things to happen to them, wanting the world or the universe to end, all things that I don't mean or want to happen but keep trying to combat because I'm worried that if I don't I'll eventually mean it, or even more implausibly, that somehow they'll manifest into the real world in some way. sometimes I can't even hear the name of a person or animal or look at their photos without wishing terrible things. I know deep down that these thoughts aren't genuine and that nothing will happen, but it's been going on for so long that I don't know how to stop.

I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to tell someone, but part of me is scared of doing so. It's also happening at the worst possible time. My grandmother died last year, my grandfather's currently in and out of hospital, stressing the hell out of my dad, my mums also pretty busy too, and I'd feel guilty if I got them to spend any more money on me than they already do. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just ambling through life without knowing what I'm doing, with dreams I feel like I'm never gonna be able to follow through on.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome to the forum! I’m glad you are here.

Feeling not good enough is something I struggle with all the time.

When I finished school, I could not find a job in my field. I applied to all kinds of positions and would get rejected. Eventually I found work. It is discouraging when you don’t get recognized for the degree you earned and the experience you have. I have learned this is situational, meaning it has more to do with the economy and trends in hiring than it does with my intrinsic value. That’s true for you too.

I hear you have a lot that is going “wrong” in your life. I just came out of one of those periods. You can make it too.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but an effective way to get out of all the bad stuff is to help someone else.

 

[FayetheAspie]

The later part of your post reminds me of descriptions of Harm OCD. The following link describes the disorder and mentions treatment options. I am including it so you can see if this sounds like what you are experiencing and can seek help if you need too (not necessarily through that particular organization, but just so you better know what to discuss with a practitioner of your choice).

Overcoming Harm OCD: Symptoms & Treatment | The Gateway Institute.

 

[Kayla55]

I didn't want to accept my one son wasn't going to finish school due to ADHD, but through friends I've accepted it and must find alternative vocational training. Point my friend made was so many people with higher learning who couldn't secure employment, and ended up with casual work.
Perhaps other types of work can be used whilst continue seeking that career move, think of jobs at least provide feedback on resume'
My other son wifh ASD has grades but after school he may have to work and apply student loan, which works for us as he gains experience Nd can decide which subjects to persue.

 

[Xinyta]

I don't know if anything I ever do is good enough.

This is a drive killer thought process, right here.

You ARE good enough. You ARE worthy.

I feel like I've fallen behind in so many aspects of my life and I don't know how to move forward. I just graduated University at the end of last year, I've been searching for a job for a while and have had no luck. Everyone I've sent out to has either ignored me or said I didn't get the job. I've been tidying up my resume so I can stand out, added some hands on experiences I did in Uni that I thought would stand out which are relevant to the fields I want to break into, only for me to find out that the ATS system employers use to identify resumes doesn't register any of them, and demands that I use quantifiable experience instead. Aside from those things I did in uni, the only jobs I've had before then have been for an archive room in a school, working in a museum wet store, and working as a groundskeeper, I have no idea how I'm supposed to quantify any of that. I feel like everyone else around me in my age group has everything figured out, and I'm still stumbling around with no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I keep trying to find jobs, rarely ever actually finding anything that doesn't already require years of experiences, but I struggle to even do that because of this overwhelming fear I have that it'll be too much for me.

Job finding is a case of trial and error. Alot of it is due to humanbeings. Mostly the requirements of employers. You are not a failure for meeting the standards.

But I'd not reccomend aiming high. Try applying for jobs that require little, to no, previous experience. Then work up to what you want.

I struggle a lot with procrastinating too, sometimes whenever I have to do something I get distracted by something else and lose focus, sometimes for hours on end, but I'm not sure its just that anymore. I can't even find the energy to do the things I love anymore, and whenever I do, I feel like I just end up half asking them without trying to. I'm just really scared of messing up. Whenever I do I always worry that people will hate me for it or think I'm annoying, and even when something happens that isn't my fault, I always feel scared anticipating people's anger or sadness.

I try to go to others for help with my problems, but sometimes it feels as though I'm being talked down to whenever somebody turns my problem into a lecture about how I'm doing something wrong, and other times it feels like people will just take my problems from me and turn them into their own. I don't know if I'm misreading this, and I know that they have good intentions, but sometimes it feels like people are just babying me instead of actually helping me. Like, I'll tell my parents that I'm looking for a job, and they'll look up jobs for me on my behalf or draft cover letters for me even when I never even ask them. It just feels so draining when people don't let me do things at my own pace.

That's not even the worst of it. for the last ten years I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts, about hating people, wanting terrible things to happen to them, wanting the world or the universe to end, all things that I don't mean or want to happen but keep trying to combat because I'm worried that if I don't I'll eventually mean it, or even more implausibly, that somehow they'll manifest into the real world in some way. sometimes I can't even hear the name of a person or animal or look at their photos without wishing terrible things. I know deep down that these thoughts aren't genuine and that nothing will happen, but it's been going on for so long that I don't know how to stop.

Oh boy. Do I feel this.

I've always had issues with that. Not being sure how people will respond. Not sure if my work will matter. Distracting myself with fun things or trying to play videogames whenever I could. I've always wanted to tune out the world around me.

I've thought plenty about harm being done to people. Whether I did anything or not, in my daydreams. Wanting people to get ran over, fall to thier deaths, slip and crack thier head open, get stabbed by me or some stranger, etc.

I've lived my life in this misery. In this hoped that either I fade, or everyone else does.

But these thoughts are only destructive to the self. It is hard to shake when you've done it a long time. I've been trying to and it's hell. But it's apart of trying to better myself.

Politics have also become a major downside of my life as well. there's just so much wrong with the world that it's overwhelming, until recently I used to go for weeks where I would worry about something politics related for at least an hour a day. I can't even push the thoughts out of my mind like most people, they linger and fester around until I eventually get too tired of arguing the same talking points over and over again. I struggle to form opinions about some things because I always just assume that I'm wrong, or ill informed, or stupid. This fear made me force myself to look up things like conspiracy theories, young earth creationism, pseudoscience, bigoted political forums and so on, forcing myself to be open minded. Every time I felt like I had addressed something, it was always followed by this undercurrent that I was actually wrong, and that I wasn't looking deeply enough into whatever these people were saying, and whenever I so much as wanted a break id always guilt myself into going back. Do I not want to engage in politics because I don't want to damage my worldview? Or is it because I don't want to go down another rabbit hole which consumes everything in my life?

Truthfully. Politics is a poisoned waterhole. Even the most respectable discussion, turns into a flame war eventually. I'd personally suggest avoiding those kinda things outright. More for your mental health, than anything.

I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to tell someone, but part of me is scared of doing so. It's also happening at the worst possible time. My grandmother died last year, my grandfather's currently in and out of hospital, stressing the hell out of my dad, my mums also pretty busy too, and I'd feel guilty if I got them to spend any more money on me than they already do. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just ambling through life without knowing what I'm doing, with dreams I feel like I'm never gonna be able to follow through on.

You really don't have too much longer. Your mind will eventually start affecting your body. Then you'll be truly in a bad situation.

Granted. I am at more risk of that, since I spent dang near 30 years of my life in it. But you are on your way towards it.

It's easier said than done. But disengage yourself from stressors and allow conversations with people to flow. Even if it is uncomfortable. Because you only are harming yourself by keeping yourself down.

I know. Negative experiences and all... but past experiences do not define you, if YOU don't let them.

Try, try again. It's unfortunately the only way you can change this.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I took the first crappy job I could lab tech on coil coating, real low wage, all my classmates got position two to three times the renumeration it got I read a book in the lab about industrial colour control, found out from a supervisor
thar a course was available on paint. so signed up for this course used this as stepping stone to next position, lab tech at appliance manufacturing plant. when plant closed after a couple of strikes one which lasted 6 months I was on bargaining committee, found position via fellow night school student as lab partner who had opening at her employer who had retired, Do not sit around ringing hands, position yourself for success.

 

[Shevek]

Many very talented people seldom or never are satisfied with their work. I used to put a lot of effort into presentations, and if they failed, I'd start fresh with another one. What I should have done was to treat each presentation as a key, and just try it in several different locks before changing anything. Mostly, I made my own work, dealing directly with customers.