Not sure if I can stay

[Kyou Nukui]

Hi I'm sorry I might not be here long. I already sent a request to delete this account. I regretted the username that I chose in a moment of pressure. I always have that problem. It's hard to think of anything on the spot like that and I always wish I had thought of something better. I just meant it to be a reference to the destructive effects of early mis-labelling as some kind of psycho/ demon child, and also the first time I saw so many traits that I can relate to in a fictional character.

But if I can stay I should be saying things about me. I don't know where to begin! So I said I was mis-labelled, and obviously this means that I was subject to a hell of lot of punishment and humiliation that was supposed to force me to act "normal" and conformist (but was never going to work!), and I was encouraged to think of myself as wrong and bad, and all the things that make me special and make me "me" were symptoms of the evil inside me. I remember being assured by my mother that I would spend my adult life in prison.
As it turned out she was convicted of fraud but I have only had a couple of cautions for smoking dope when I was a vulnerable looking kid and got picked up by predatory police.
((Does anyone else think the word police looks weird? Sorry, off topic.))

I wasn't able to talk to anyone about the feelings of alienation and the fears I had because of the fear of being thrown back into the role of the psycho who must be locked up. So it took until I was 31 and found some interesting things online that I started to think I might simply be a perfectly normal autistic person. I didn't have an address for a few more years though, so I only started to see a C.P.N. (psychiatric triage) when I was 33 and it took seven years to get them to give me an autism assessment.
I was not surprised to "pass" that assessment and get the diagnosis, as by that time I had done quite a bit of reading and I'm sure that my overly empathetic "sensitive" nature means I'm definitely, DEFINITELY no psycho!

I just worry that I have developed some psychosis as a secondary effect of the demonisation, rejection and social isolation.

Unfortunately after receiving the diagnosis and finally having confirmed the real reason for why I think and act different and people don't like me I was told there are no autism services from my local health board and goodbye.
Then a week later I got told I have melanoma and there is no support for this either, just the surgery. I am waiting for the next hospital appointment now, as I have to get my second melanoma on my face excised so that is kind of a stress. I have to get myself to the appointment and it makes me very anxious indeed. I have enough trouble just getting bathed in time to not upset the dermatologist.

I am alone all of the time and never have any personal conversations with anyone. I have no friends and no family (I have a few relatives who live quite a long way away from me) and no physical contact with others except for the fairly humiliating (nearly nude) medical examinations every few months. I don't use the phone, or (non-anonymous) forums/social media, and I don't drive. I don't go out unless I really have to but I don't know if there is anywhere fun to go alone anyway! I'm a shut-in weirdo with strange obsessions.
I feel that my whole life and my considerable potential has been wasted, and now it is quite possibly nearly over. -.-

Sorry that was a lot of depressing reading. The only happy things I can talk about are my unusual interests that are unlikely to be anything that anyone will relate to. >.>

 

[Suzanne]

No need to apologise at all!

I am currently going through tests to see if I have aspergers and suspect that they will say I do not, based on stereotyping!

I hate the: tell us about yourself and thinking up avator names and why I stick to my name and just abb lib with things about me.

I am 48 and do not have a licence and although I am married, my husband works and so, I am more alone than not and we are childless and my siblings live in the uk. I am in France.

I honestly thought that I would be laughed at, but my husband posed the question about autism to my psychiatrist and at first, he said that no, he feels sure it is ptsd, but I took courage in hand and said that in fact, I feel it is more and he just said: you tick all the boxes for aspergers? And with that, got on to a specialist and seeing her again this month.

I am told that they are not going to forget me, so I just hope that I am not being literal there.

You have come to the right place, so please give it a try.

 

[Autistamatic]

Welcome to a community that is willing to listen even if you think you are depressing. Many of us have been through countless traumas relating to our differences and there will be some who can relate to your health problem too.
In the first instance, whatever the situation with your local health service you may still be able to access support through the NAS. They have a heavy workload and a backlog so the sooner you contact them, the quicker you'll be able to access help. I've put a link to their page about services in Wales below.
Don't for one minute think you're alone - you're not while you're on this forum. We will listen and help wherever we can

Wales services - National Autistic Society

 

[Kyou Nukui]

Thank you Suzanne and Autistamatic for the lovely welcome. I think I might be able to live with the name even if it doesn't really suit me.

@Suzanne I think I can relate to the confusion of the symptoms of ptsd and autism as I am suspicious that I have been living with ptsd along with autism too. I hope to find out more about what can be attributed to the effects of which condition as by now they both just feel like part of the same, part of me. Idk if I'm reading too much into your reply as you don't specifically say that you think you may have both.

@Autistamatic thank you for the link. I have sent an email to the local NAS email address although I was very brief and vague because I have no idea what I am asking them for.. Idk what they do! :")

 

[Autistamatic]

- if you want to change your screen name I believe you still can before you've made ten posts.

From the forum rules:

2. Username changes will only be allowed in the following cases: You have less than 10 posts or you are a V.I.P. member.

If you want to do it, I'm not sure how - whether you can do it from within your profile or whether you have to contact admin.

@tree @Nitro - since you both appear to be online at this moment can either of you confirm how he can change his screen name please?

 

[Nitro]

I can change if he requests it.

 

[Autistamatic]

Thanks @Nitro

 

[Kyou Nukui]

- if you want to change your screen name I believe you still can before you've made ten posts.

From the forum rules:


If you want to do it, I'm not sure how - whether you can do it from within your profile or whether you have to contact admin.

@tree @Nitro - since you both appear to be online at this moment can either of you confirm how he can change his screen name please?

I can change if he requests it.

Thank you I will send another message to the "contact us" and ask for a name change instead of the deletion that I requested earlier this morning. I have to think of a name now. Sorry to be a pain but I really regretted the spur of the moment decision and don't want to be so much associated with one particular fictional character, or at least one that is so well known and stuff.

 

[Nitro]

No, don't send the request there, simply answer the PM I sent you.

 

[Nitro]

The Contact Us function only directs the conversation to the parent company that owns this forum and won't likely be answered.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

The Contact Us function only directs the conversation to the parent company that owns this forum and won't likely be answered.

Oops. I hope they don't delete me! I replied to your pm. Thank you and sorry for the trouble. >_<

 

[Nitro]

Oops. I hope they don't delete me! I replied to your pm. Thank you and sorry for the trouble. >_<

They won't deleted you, I handle the day to day admin chores here.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

Yay thanks for the name change! I'm Kyou Nukui now. Another absolutely spur of the moment decision and not a great choice but I hadn't actually thought of anything else yet.
Now I am another fictional character which is terribly lame but at least I know that most people have no idea who Kyou Nukui is (He's a nice guy, trust me lol.)
I want to dig a hole and bury myself for making a fuss.

 

[Autistamatic]

Kyou Nukui is an anime character no doubt
There's quite a few people who like their anime on here too. You'll fit right in

 

[Suzanne]

Idk if I'm reading too much into your reply as you don't specifically say that you think you may have both.

I do have ptsd from how I was treated when I went to the police about childhood sexual abuse and what happened after that ie reporting. However, it has reduced considerably due to connecting with a couple of siblings and being able to offload without reproach and have been able to discuss without anger or tears.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

Kyou Nukui is an anime character no doubt
There's quite a few people who like their anime on here too. You'll fit right in

Yeah he's the only male one I know lol.
I was looking around me and "vacuum cleaner" or "hot water bottle" would be ridiculous so I just grasped the nearest little known name and that'll do. :")
Uplifting, musical, funny anime is one of my interests that makes me forget (helps me avoid) my troubles.
I also like painting and drawing, sewing and gardening, and building unique bicycles that I never ride.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

I do have ptsd from how I was treated when I went to the police about childhood sexual abuse and what happened after that ie reporting. However, it has reduced considerably due to connecting with a couple of siblings and being able to offload without reproach and have been able to discuss without anger or tears.

I am glad to hear that it has reduced. I know there is little worse than feeling alone with trauma.

 

[Pats]

Hi Kyou Nukui and welcome to here. Is that your dog in the picture?
I think it's funny but I also panic and feel rushed to come up with a name or password. And you should see me trying to get through a kiosk machine. lol It's so much pressure. We have a McDonalds here that started using the kiosk and their system is so messed up. You can only order at the kiosk machine (they can't take your order at the counter), then it's hard to know which button to press to pay and due to the pressure I always hit the wrong one I guess and have to go to the counter to pay. I told them I was going to start going through the drive thru to order then bring it inside to eat.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi I'm sorry I might not be here long. I already sent a request to delete this account. I regretted the username that I chose in a moment of pressure. I always have that problem. It's hard to think of anything on the spot like that and I always wish I had thought of something better. I just meant it to be a reference to the destructive effects of early mis-labelling as some kind of psycho/ demon child, and also the first time I saw so many traits that I can relate to in a fictional character.

But if I can stay I should be saying things about me. I don't know where to begin! So I said I was mis-labelled, and obviously this means that I was subject to a hell of lot of punishment and humiliation that was supposed to force me to act "normal" and conformist (but was never going to work!), and I was encouraged to think of myself as wrong and bad, and all the things that make me special and make me "me" were symptoms of the evil inside me. I remember being assured by my mother that I would spend my adult life in prison.
As it turned out she was convicted of fraud but I have only had a couple of cautions for smoking dope when I was a vulnerable looking kid and got picked up by predatory police.
((Does anyone else think the word police looks weird? Sorry, off topic.))

I wasn't able to talk to anyone about the feelings of alienation and the fears I had because of the fear of being thrown back into the role of the psycho who must be locked up. So it took until I was 31 and found some interesting things online that I started to think I might simply be a perfectly normal autistic person. I didn't have an address for a few more years though, so I only started to see a C.P.N. (psychiatric triage) when I was 33 and it took seven years to get them to give me an autism assessment.
I was not surprised to "pass" that assessment and get the diagnosis, as by that time I had done quite a bit of reading and I'm sure that my overly empathetic "sensitive" nature means I'm definitely, DEFINITELY no psycho!

I just worry that I have developed some psychosis as a secondary effect of the demonisation, rejection and social isolation.

Unfortunately after receiving the diagnosis and finally having confirmed the real reason for why I think and act different and people don't like me I was told there are no autism services from my local health board and goodbye.
Then a week later I got told I have melanoma and there is no support for this either, just the surgery. I am waiting for the next hospital appointment now, as I have to get my second melanoma on my face excised so that is kind of a stress. I have to get myself to the appointment and it makes me very anxious indeed. I have enough trouble just getting bathed in time to not upset the dermatologist.

I am alone all of the time and never have any personal conversations with anyone. I have no friends and no family (I have a few relatives who live quite a long way away from me) and no physical contact with others except for the fairly humiliating (nearly nude) medical examinations every few months. I don't use the phone, or (non-anonymous) forums/social media, and I don't drive. I don't go out unless I really have to but I don't know if there is anywhere fun to go alone anyway! I'm a shut-in weirdo with strange obsessions.
I feel that my whole life and my considerable potential has been wasted, and now it is quite possibly nearly over. -.-

Sorry that was a lot of depressing reading. The only happy things I can talk about are my unusual interests that are unlikely to be anything that anyone will relate to. >.>

have you tried Macmillan Cancer care ?they may have a hotline ?for you could talk to them about the melanoma , sorry can't remember phone numbers anymore .

 

[Sherlock77]

Hi I'm sorry I might not be here long. I already sent a request to delete this account. I regretted the username that I chose in a moment of pressure. I always have that problem. It's hard to think of anything on the spot like that and I always wish I had thought of something better. I just meant it to be a reference to the destructive effects of early mis-labelling as some kind of psycho/ demon child, and also the first time I saw so many traits that I can relate to in a fictional character.

But if I can stay I should be saying things about me. I don't know where to begin! So I said I was mis-labelled, and obviously this means that I was subject to a hell of lot of punishment and humiliation that was supposed to force me to act "normal" and conformist (but was never going to work!), and I was encouraged to think of myself as wrong and bad, and all the things that make me special and make me "me" were symptoms of the evil inside me. I remember being assured by my mother that I would spend my adult life in prison.
As it turned out she was convicted of fraud but I have only had a couple of cautions for smoking dope when I was a vulnerable looking kid and got picked up by predatory police.
((Does anyone else think the word police looks weird? Sorry, off topic.))

I wasn't able to talk to anyone about the feelings of alienation and the fears I had because of the fear of being thrown back into the role of the psycho who must be locked up. So it took until I was 31 and found some interesting things online that I started to think I might simply be a perfectly normal autistic person. I didn't have an address for a few more years though, so I only started to see a C.P.N. (psychiatric triage) when I was 33 and it took seven years to get them to give me an autism assessment.
I was not surprised to "pass" that assessment and get the diagnosis, as by that time I had done quite a bit of reading and I'm sure that my overly empathetic "sensitive" nature means I'm definitely, DEFINITELY no psycho!

I just worry that I have developed some psychosis as a secondary effect of the demonisation, rejection and social isolation.

Unfortunately after receiving the diagnosis and finally having confirmed the real reason for why I think and act different and people don't like me I was told there are no autism services from my local health board and goodbye.
Then a week later I got told I have melanoma and there is no support for this either, just the surgery. I am waiting for the next hospital appointment now, as I have to get my second melanoma on my face excised so that is kind of a stress. I have to get myself to the appointment and it makes me very anxious indeed. I have enough trouble just getting bathed in time to not upset the dermatologist.

I am alone all of the time and never have any personal conversations with anyone. I have no friends and no family (I have a few relatives who live quite a long way away from me) and no physical contact with others except for the fairly humiliating (nearly nude) medical examinations every few months. I don't use the phone, or (non-anonymous) forums/social media, and I don't drive. I don't go out unless I really have to but I don't know if there is anywhere fun to go alone anyway! I'm a shut-in weirdo with strange obsessions.
I feel that my whole life and my considerable potential has been wasted, and now it is quite possibly nearly over. -.-

Sorry that was a lot of depressing reading. The only happy things I can talk about are my unusual interests that are unlikely to be anything that anyone will relate to. >.>

I can only imagine how you feel, I have never been even close to that situation... But rather than just bottling it up it's good to reach out, this forum is better then any social media... Please stick around, there is so much help on here for you...