macmurph25
New Member
Hi.
I've been wondering for years if I'm somewhere on the Autism spectrum. I have always exhibited many of the traits commonly associated Asperger's, but because I didn't fit all of them, or at least what I understood them to be, I assumed that must not be what was going on with me. Still, it always sounded very familiar.
I've always perceived myself as someone who was going to be liked by people who really knew him, but perceived to be an asshole by others. For a time, I was ok with that, but it started to impact my relationships at work. Not in an overt way, but it was noticeable, so I decided to make a change. I picked out the people who were best at the social interactions I struggled with, watched what they did, copied them, and analyzed the results.
No, I always viewed myself as someone with a difficult personality, who was learning to grow as a person, and would continue to improve with age and experience. I'd figured out ways to be better at things I was bad at, and as a result, I saw professional and personal success. However, I still struggled with certain things. I had trouble communicating complex concepts about visual pattern recognition to my co-workers, and when they failed to see something that was obvious to me, I didn't always handle it well, no matter how well I prepared. If I reported to a supervisor who clearly wasn't as smart as me, I had difficulty respecting their decisions, or following instructions without push back.
Most of all, if I was wronged, I dwelled on it for weeks, if not months, and sometimes took actions that were ultimately deterrent to my goals.
While I've gotten better, and managed to forge relationships at work with people who take the good with the bad, I have always felt like I was going to screw up and over react to something. Because it's happened before.
I've excelled professionally in sales of all things. I went into it because I was told I liked to argue a lot, and found out that if I paid attention to how other people were successful and mimicked it, I too could follow their path. I've become quite good at it, and totally comfortable talking to a stranger about the line of business I'm in... compensation data software.
I've often described myself as a Vulcan, because I've built up a stoic wall to hold back intense emotions, that, when they come out, I have difficulty controlling. This causes me to cry in inappropriate situations, or lash out with an accurate, but disrespectful truth.
My daughter started exhibiting signs, and so I started doing more research. Wouldn't you know it, our understanding has changed over the last few years. Suddenly, I don't have to fit into a certain specific description to have my behavior explained. I'm reading all these stories from people who appear to have a window into my brain.
And so it begins.
My wife admits to me that she often tells me she understands things I'm talking about just to get me to stop talking. She admits that she's wondered for a long time. My mom says she's not surprised.
She tells me that while I frequently explain how I've made decisions, my brain functions unlike anyone she's ever been close to.
I suddenly view my life entirely differently. Now, those personal adjustments I've made are re-framed as coping mechanisms to deal with something I've never really been comfortable with. Not only did I use pattern recognition to do it, but I can describe in great detail the process I went through over a number of years.
When my wife sat me down and asked me not to snap at her in front of my parents because she'd interrupted me, and I had no idea what she was talking about... different movie playing in my head now.
That skill I learned where I figured out how to tell if someone is no longer interested in what you're talking about? Comes in handy at parties, but apparently most people don't have to have a specific process in place to make sure they don't miss that cue.
At this point, I don't know if what I have has a name, and I don't really care. I've known I was different, and now I have something to point towards to start getting real answers. I'm excited.
The internet is wonderful for giving opinions, but I want to speak to someone who can give me more definitive answers. I don't trust medical professionals in general, and my experience with therapists has not been positive. Largely because I can see where they are trying to drive a conversation and don't get much from their insights.
I don't know if I officially qualify as having Aspergers. I feel like I've finally been able to set foot on a staircase that I was afraid to climb. I never wanted sympathy or attention of any kind for something I wasn't sure applied to me. Now, I've realized that even if I'm not in a certain bucket, I can change my behavior with help, if I can find someone who really understands me. How do I make sure I get started on the right foot? What do I look for in a medical professional who can help give me some answers?
I've been wondering for years if I'm somewhere on the Autism spectrum. I have always exhibited many of the traits commonly associated Asperger's, but because I didn't fit all of them, or at least what I understood them to be, I assumed that must not be what was going on with me. Still, it always sounded very familiar.
I've always perceived myself as someone who was going to be liked by people who really knew him, but perceived to be an asshole by others. For a time, I was ok with that, but it started to impact my relationships at work. Not in an overt way, but it was noticeable, so I decided to make a change. I picked out the people who were best at the social interactions I struggled with, watched what they did, copied them, and analyzed the results.
No, I always viewed myself as someone with a difficult personality, who was learning to grow as a person, and would continue to improve with age and experience. I'd figured out ways to be better at things I was bad at, and as a result, I saw professional and personal success. However, I still struggled with certain things. I had trouble communicating complex concepts about visual pattern recognition to my co-workers, and when they failed to see something that was obvious to me, I didn't always handle it well, no matter how well I prepared. If I reported to a supervisor who clearly wasn't as smart as me, I had difficulty respecting their decisions, or following instructions without push back.
Most of all, if I was wronged, I dwelled on it for weeks, if not months, and sometimes took actions that were ultimately deterrent to my goals.
While I've gotten better, and managed to forge relationships at work with people who take the good with the bad, I have always felt like I was going to screw up and over react to something. Because it's happened before.
I've excelled professionally in sales of all things. I went into it because I was told I liked to argue a lot, and found out that if I paid attention to how other people were successful and mimicked it, I too could follow their path. I've become quite good at it, and totally comfortable talking to a stranger about the line of business I'm in... compensation data software.
I've often described myself as a Vulcan, because I've built up a stoic wall to hold back intense emotions, that, when they come out, I have difficulty controlling. This causes me to cry in inappropriate situations, or lash out with an accurate, but disrespectful truth.
My daughter started exhibiting signs, and so I started doing more research. Wouldn't you know it, our understanding has changed over the last few years. Suddenly, I don't have to fit into a certain specific description to have my behavior explained. I'm reading all these stories from people who appear to have a window into my brain.
And so it begins.
My wife admits to me that she often tells me she understands things I'm talking about just to get me to stop talking. She admits that she's wondered for a long time. My mom says she's not surprised.
She tells me that while I frequently explain how I've made decisions, my brain functions unlike anyone she's ever been close to.
I suddenly view my life entirely differently. Now, those personal adjustments I've made are re-framed as coping mechanisms to deal with something I've never really been comfortable with. Not only did I use pattern recognition to do it, but I can describe in great detail the process I went through over a number of years.
When my wife sat me down and asked me not to snap at her in front of my parents because she'd interrupted me, and I had no idea what she was talking about... different movie playing in my head now.
That skill I learned where I figured out how to tell if someone is no longer interested in what you're talking about? Comes in handy at parties, but apparently most people don't have to have a specific process in place to make sure they don't miss that cue.
At this point, I don't know if what I have has a name, and I don't really care. I've known I was different, and now I have something to point towards to start getting real answers. I'm excited.
The internet is wonderful for giving opinions, but I want to speak to someone who can give me more definitive answers. I don't trust medical professionals in general, and my experience with therapists has not been positive. Largely because I can see where they are trying to drive a conversation and don't get much from their insights.
I don't know if I officially qualify as having Aspergers. I feel like I've finally been able to set foot on a staircase that I was afraid to climb. I never wanted sympathy or attention of any kind for something I wasn't sure applied to me. Now, I've realized that even if I'm not in a certain bucket, I can change my behavior with help, if I can find someone who really understands me. How do I make sure I get started on the right foot? What do I look for in a medical professional who can help give me some answers?
