Not The Best With Responsibility/Future Abuser

[Juliettaa]

I...I'm not kind to my 9 year old niece. As I've possibly stated before. In fact, during a more recent fight between us, I up-and-tried to break her wrist. Several. Times. I failed, but that's not the point. And then I considered getting a knife. Sometimes, rather than attempts to physically abuse or even murder, I'll try to harm her emotionally. Making claims that the only reason my Mom lets her stay around here is pity. And that, due to her homelife, she's 'worthless.'

I'm horrified to read your posts Riley.

No one deserves to be abused EVER. And being on the receiving end of abuse does not give you licence to be abusive.

You need help. Fast.

I'm not a child centred person, but I never ever have thoughts about harming a child.

Your post is extremely disturbing and I'm shocked that no one in your family has noticed what you may be capable of.

I note you're in the US so I have no idea of the procedure for therapy etc, however in view of the evil thoughts that you harbour about your niece, you'd be better off moving out and ensuring that you do not come into contact with her ever again.

 

[Echo]

I'm assuming your niece is your mother's granddaughter. And you're only (by my standards) a few years older than she is and were, likely, formerly, the baby of the family. Is that correct?

Your mother is right. All we "people on the internet" can do is provide "armchair analysis," which can be helpful, or not. I agree with others here that getting counseling or therapy might help you, so when you go, here are a few things you may want to consider talking to them about. Or not. I can't know what your essential issues are from this thread, but I'm guesstimating based on some themes I'm hearing here.

Is it possible that you're jealous of your niece? And frustrated and scared (as most of us have been as we approach adulthood). Have you been feeling regressive and wanting more attention from your mother? The animals you say you treat badly, do you perceive that they receive better treatment than you do?

It sounds like you're caught up in a negative cycle, if so. Wanting love and acceptance, but settling for negative attention because it's possibly easier to get, and also conforms to your self-image.

I'll echo the sentiment that, if there was no hope for you, you wouldn't feel bad about what you've been doing. You don't sound like a sociopath, just a troubled teen, and it's possible that in a few years you'll look back on this period incredulously and not recognize yourself. It happens.

Just don't give up on yourself. Your mother may or may not be sensitive to your needs, but you will need to be sensitive to your own needs going forward through life anyway.

 

[the_tortoise]

Hopefully, get psychological help. I love my mother and try to listen to her, but I really need this. Which is why I wanna get back in contact with an old school counselor of mine. Yeah, sounds like a stupid plan.

It doesn't sound stupid to me -- it sounds like a good place to start. An old school counsellor, even if they can't counsel you directly anymore, should have a lot of information about where and how to find someone who can.

If the school counsellor doesn't work out for some reason (e.g. they don't work at your old school anymore) you might try calling a youth crisis line.

Boystown (not just for boys, for all children and youth....strange name) 24/7 crisis/counselling line 1-800-448-3000 (they also have text and chat -- see here: Get Help) They seem to be the most generic resource out there.

If you were a parent, or your parents were abusing you, you would fall under the mandate of the Child Help Line (.their website is not very informative in terms of what their hotline services cover, but here is a link anyways: Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline) because at 17, you are still legally a child. (Various social services and mental health services would consider you a child as well, although it varies from place to place and sometimes even when the age cutoff is 18 it is a judgement call based on where you're at developmentally as an individual and how close you are to your 18th birthday). You could try calling them anyways, since it may be that they do offer support to young people with the sort of struggles you're dealing with and just don't advertise it in a way that I can see. (EDIT: Actually, given that your brother was/is abusive to you and you have identified this as an issue that drives your behavior towards your niece, I think you probably do fall under their mandate.)

You don't sound like a sociopath, just a troubled teen, and it's possible that in a few years you'll look back on this period incredulously and not recognize yourself. It happens.

I agree with this completely. Well said, Echo.

 

[wight]

Yeah, sounds like a stupid plan.

It sounds like a reasonable plan.

what do you need to do to make it happen?

 

[Joel's Hear]

To me it sounds like you're the dupe of someone else in your family and they are the real ones with hatred to your niece. Whatever happens don't act upon your angry feelings; if you have to, use the traditional aspie "aloof above everything" attitude, and walk away! Remember that thoughts you have do not necessarily come from yourself. You only own them if you act on them.

 

[tducey]

I probably won't have kids at this point but my sister has 3 kids that I adore 110%. I wouldn't hurt them for love or money. Hope you get some help I say to the OP.

 

[Mary Anne]

I really do wanna get therapy. But not only will Mom note the downsides, she'll tell me not to take advice from internet people.

Your mother is NOT helping the situation IF she is aware of your violent tendencies and allows you two to be together unsupervised. She can be lawfully charged, should you do something to harm your niece. I hope you can find a professional counselor, teacher, therapist or someone other then your mother to discuss your feelings and tendencies. Please do this before there are injurious (and potential legal) consequences and at your age, you can be tried in adult court and go to prison with a felony.

Also, should something happen, don’t be confident in using your aspie diagnosis to get you off from any responsibility. I work with people who suffer from childhood trauma and abuse. I also have worked with perpetrators of violence in the home, including the incarcerated. You are currently traumatizing your 9 year old niece permanently by your verbal and physical actions! The damage can be unseen but last her a lifetime. I cannot stress this enough! I imagine you have been mean and violent towards her for 9 years? This sort of behaviors never starts suddenly. Please get help immediately!

Please know also, that the abused can become abusers when they grow up. You were abused by your brother. Then You abuse your niece. Will she abuse when she gets older? Let’s break this ugly cycle now! Please do not abuse animals either!

 

[Riley]

Your mother is NOT helping the situation IF she is aware of your violent tendencies and allows you two to be together unsupervised. She can be lawfully charged, should you do something to harm your niece. I hope you can find a professional counselor, teacher, therapist or someone other then your mother to discuss your feelings and tendencies. Please do this before there are injurious (and potential legal) consequences and at your age, you can be tried in adult court and go to prison with a felony.

Also, should something happen, don’t be confident in using your aspie diagnosis to get you off from any responsibility. I work with people who suffer from childhood trauma and abuse. I also have worked with perpetrators of violence in the home, including the incarcerated. You are currently traumatizing your 9 year old niece permanently by your verbal and physical actions! The damage can be unseen but last her a lifetime. I cannot stress this enough! I imagine you have been mean and violent towards her for 9 years? This sort of behaviors never starts suddenly. Please get help immediately!

Please know also, that the abused can become abusers when they grow up. You were abused by your brother. Then You abuse your niece. Will she abuse when she gets older? Let’s break this ugly cycle now! Please do not abuse animals either!

Actually, Mom's safe in the knowledge that, most of the time, even with all of my big talk, I'd never actually try to hurt Presley. And when I do, I always back down at the last second. I'm also downright terrified of going to prison. Which is probably the reason I haven't made good on all my other murder threats.

I never really try to use my aspie diagnosis in my defense. I've come to the conclusion there's maybe other things up there with it, though.

Also, about the animal thing...I've had slip-ups around my aunt's dog.

 

[Tom]

You need to make some serious changes or will end up in Juvenile Detention or Jail. Don't take our advice, but do take a medical professionals. Its not hard. Probably all or most all of us have done it at one time or another. You take car issues to a mechanic, you take mental issues to a psych.

 

[Mary Anne]

Your mother is NOT helping the situation IF she is aware of your violent tendencies and allows you two to be together unsupervised. She can be lawfully charged, should you do something to harm your niece. You have not stated your age here, but I hope you can find a professional counselor, teacher, or someone other then your mother about your feelings and tendencies. please do this before there are injurious and legal consequences.

I get along with my 7 year old niece and 10 year old nephew just fine, and I actually want kids, I just think that at 5 days off 42, am I too old to Father kids now? And would any offspring of mine inherit my AS?

Actually, Mom's safe in the knowledge that, most of the time, even with all of my big talk, I'd never actually try to hurt Presley. And when I do, I always back down at the last second. I'm also downright terrified of going to prison. Which is probably the reason I haven't made good on all my other murder threats.

I never really try to use my aspie diagnosis in my defense. I've come to the conclusion there's maybe other things up there with it, though.

Also, about the animal thing...I've had slip-ups around my aunt's dog.

Although that defense still scares me ( thoughts ARE DIFFERENT then actions but sometimes there is crossover into action- you stated that you actually HAVE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY abused her, so back pedaling now in defense is a mute point! I think it’s awful your family has allowed this to go on for so long. One can be jailed in my state for abusing animals too...kicking or beating them. The thoughts you are having are NOT NORMAL to the intensity and physicality you describe. The “getting a knife” thoughts are extremely disturbing. No one, including yourself can possibly know if the next time you flip out won’t be the one where you will regret your actions forever.

Your niece and the dog should be removed from your home immediately. This is a abuse matter, and at seventeen, you WILL be tried as an adult in many states. Your mother also will face consequences. Most of all, you have already damaged a 9 year old...and that will never go away. You have ALREADY damaged her! What is next? Also, I wonder why any 17 year old would get into physical “fights” with children. You are (supposed to be) so much bigger, older, and mature. The adults in your household have created a hostile, non-healthy environment for ALL the children there. If I knew where you lived, I, as a counselor, would call child protective services on the entire household. Everyone seems to need counseling there.

If your niece would break her arm, or show bruises, it’s the LAW for teachers, or any counselor to call it in anyways. The next knock at your door could be a lot of police cars and hand cuffs. If I sound harsh, it’s because my mother abused me as a child and I had to lie about it. I been there, and grew up vowing to help others. Please go get help, even if no one else in your family feels there’s any reason to go.

 

[Mary Anne]

You need to make some serious changes or will end up in Juvenile Detention or Jail. Don't take our advice, but do take a medical professionals. Its not hard. Probably all or most all of us have done it at one time or another. You take car issues to a mechanic, you take mental issues to a psych.

If Riley’s Autism is disabling enough, they could lock her up in an institution like a mental hospital-not jail. No one wants to go to either place but the institutions are still really bad, and lots a disturbing things go on, which remain hidden. At least in prisons, there have been changes and more rights given to inmates. I have worked within the justice system, and currently work with people who have spent years locked in those psyche wards. The stories are horrendous!

 

[Mary Anne]

Riley said, “ I'd never actually try to hurt Presley. And when I do, I always back down at the last second. I'm also downright terrified of going to prison. Which is probably the reason I haven't made good on all my other murder threats.”

This is the most compelling reason to actually SEEK family counseling! You already have “abused” your niece...emotionally-far beyond your knowledge! What happens to children exposed to mental or physical abuse is that they can grow up to be abusers themselves, or they grow up seeking out relationships in which they continue to be abused! Mental abuse is Deadly! Please don’t minimize mental abuse just because you stop yourself from physically violating your niece. Also, “accidental” physical abuse counts, and “accidental” murder is still homicide. You and your mother can still go to jail.

 

[Bella Pines]

@Riley - I'm going to be honest with you. I hate people, all people.

Which is why I go to the wooded area near where I live. Nobody goes there. And with good reason. There have been news stories about things that happen to women in those woods. There is no light, people sleep there. I've been warned off going there but still I go.

I was asked the other day "am I scared?". No, not at all. In fact it never even occurred to me to be scared for one simple reason. I have no empathy, I can think objectively and I will do what needs to be done without regret. In short, I'm probably the most dangerous thing in those woods.

But that doesn't make us monsters, far from it. Aspergers does grant this detachment. But everything we do, every single thing is a choice. My choice is to be kind, to help people. I make this choice every day because that is the world I want to live in and that is how I want people to treat me.

I'm really sorry that your brother abused you. I'm also sorry that your parental models are so negligent that they can't see the abuse that is happening right under their noses.

But abuse and scars are no excuse to cause another person harm.

You are not a monster, your home life and the abuse you have suffered has broken something in your brain. The thoughts you having and the way you treat your niece is not healthy and you are on track for juvenile detention, if you continue without help, this is inevitable.

So before that happens, please please read the above posts from @Mary Anne and think about what damage you have done. This isn't about you not having kids, or hating yourself, or trying "not to abuse someone". This is about a child who you have hurt. She is probably nasty and spiteful because that's what you have turned her into, just as your brother did to you.

So remember, you are not a monster, you are a victim. Don't do to others what was done to you. And please get professional help for the thoughts you are having.

 

[Riley]

@Riley - I'm going to be honest with you. I hate people, all people.

Which is why I go to the wooded area near where I live. Nobody goes there. And with good reason. There have been news stories about things that happen to women in those woods. There is no light, people sleep there. I've been warned off going there but still I go.

I was asked the other day "am I scared?". No, not at all. In fact it never even occurred to me to be scared for one simple reason. I have no empathy, I can think objectively and I will do what needs to be done without regret. In short, I'm probably the most dangerous thing in those woods.

But that doesn't make us monsters, far from it. Aspergers does grant this detachment. But everything we do, every single thing is a choice. My choice is to be kind, to help people. I make this choice every day because that is the world I want to live in and that is how I want people to treat me.

I'm really sorry that your brother abused you. I'm also sorry that your parental models are so negligent that they can't see the abuse that is happening right under their noses.

But abuse and scars are no excuse to cause another person harm.

You are not a monster, your home life and the abuse you have suffered has broken something in your brain. The thoughts you having and the way you treat your niece is not healthy and you are on track for juvenile detention, if you continue without help, this is inevitable.

So before that happens, please please read the above posts from @Mary Anne and think about what damage you have done. This isn't about you not having kids, or hating yourself, or trying "not to abuse someone". This is about a child who you have hurt. She is probably nasty and spiteful because that's what you have turned her into, just as your brother did to you.

So remember, you are not a monster, you are a victim. Don't do to others what was done to you. And please get professional help for the thoughts you are having.

I know. This thread was made when I was still feeling the fall-out guilt from what I did. And then I settled it, calmed down, and kinda made me think.

My home life is FAR from horrible. I'm sorry. My mom feeds me and buys me stuff when she can. My aunt constantly spoils me. My sisters love me. Even my brother has done great things for me. I know you're trying to help me. And I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. But I love my family. And hate, even fear people calling them abusive.

 

[Bella Pines]

That's really good to hear. Another special skill we have is thinking things through, sometimes even overthinking. So the fact that you notice what you do is a good start. And I'm also really glad that you do have some support in your life.

Do mix this in with the experience that you will find here. There are a lot of social workers and aspies that have made it through dark times and have children of our own. It's always worth reading their experiences or take on a situation.

A lot of us even have violent thoughts and imagine shooting everyone in the office on a regular basis. But we don't toy with this side, or experiment, not even in small ways. Not on animals or humans. It's the side of me that I channel into making it through the day, it's the side of me that gives me strength and helps me write. But any dark thoughts are firmly under control.

Changing how we behave is not always easy and if our brains have been mentally damaged (by friends or family or just circumstance), then re-programming them takes time and commitment. You have still hurt this girl and you need to talk through your actions and the thoughts that you have with a counselor. Then as above, either stay away from the girl or if that is impossible, think about the example you want to set her and tune out the annoying parts until you can repair the damage you have done and I sincerely hope, stay out of jail and channel your passion into something wonderful.

 

[Riley]

That's really good to hear. Another special skill we have is thinking things through, sometimes even overthinking. So the fact that you notice what you do is a good start. And I'm also really glad that you do have some support in your life.

Do mix this in with the experience that you will find here. There are a lot of social workers and aspies that have made it through dark times and have children of our own. It's always worth reading their experiences or take on a situation.

A lot of us even have violent thoughts and imagine shooting everyone in the office on a regular basis. But we don't toy with this side, or experiment, not even in small ways. Not on animals or humans. It's the side of me that I channel into making it through the day, it's the side of me that gives me strength and helps me write. But any dark thoughts are firmly under control.

Changing how we behave is not always easy and if our brains have been mentally damaged (by friends or family or just circumstance), then re-programming them takes time and commitment. You have still hurt this girl and you need to talk through your actions and the thoughts that you have with a counselor. Then as above, either stay away from the girl or if that is impossible, think about the example you want to set her and tune out the annoying parts until you can repair the damage you have done and I sincerely hope, stay out of jail and channel your passion into something wonderful.

Thank you, Bella. And thank all of you, honestly.

Also, while me and the girl's mother aren't exactly the best role models, she's still got her grandmother/my mother.

 

[Bella Pines]

xxx

 

[Judge]

You're attempting to "work the problem", Riley.

Perhaps that's most important thing to consider "in the big picture".

 

[Mary Anne]

@Riley - I'm going to be honest with you. I hate people, all people.

Which is why I go to the wooded area near where I live. Nobody goes there. And with good reason. There have been news stories about things that happen to women in those woods. There is no light, people sleep there. I've been warned off going there but still I go.

I was asked the other day "am I scared?". No, not at all. In fact it never even occurred to me to be scared for one simple reason. I have no empathy, I can think objectively and I will do what needs to be done without regret. In short, I'm probably the most dangerous thing in those woods.

But that doesn't make us monsters, far from it. Aspergers does grant this detachment. But everything we do, every single thing is a choice. My choice is to be kind, to help people. I make this choice every day because that is the world I want to live in and that is how I want people to treat me.

I'm really sorry that your brother abused you. I'm also sorry that your parental models are so negligent that they can't see the abuse that is happening right under their noses.

But abuse and scars are no excuse to cause another person harm.

You are not a monster, your home life and the abuse you have suffered has broken something in your brain. The thoughts you having and the way you treat your niece is not healthy and you are on track for juvenile detention, if you continue without help, this is inevitable.

So before that happens, please please read the above posts from @Mary Anne and think about what damage you have done. This isn't about you not having kids, or hating yourself, or trying "not to abuse someone". This is about a child who you have hurt. She is probably nasty and spiteful because that's what you have turned her into, just as your brother did to you.

So remember, you are not a monster, you are a victim. Don't do to others what was done to you. And please get professional help for the thoughts you are having.

Powerfully said, Bella Pines. Every word.
I too love the woods and being away from all people. I fully connect with what you said. Be safe.

 

[the_tortoise]

My home life is FAR from horrible. I'm sorry. My mom feeds me and buys me stuff when she can. My aunt constantly spoils me. My sisters love me. Even my brother has done great things for me. I know you're trying to help me. And I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. But I love my family. And hate, even fear people calling them abusive.

I'm very glad if your family does not cross the line into being abusive towards you.

Something to think about, though, is that a person can spoil you, take care of you, do great things for you, and love you, and also abuse you -- people can be supporting you and abusing you simultaneously; These things are rarely black and white.