Not understanding social rank

[D'Andre]

The thought of social rank angers me as far as popularity and vain status. As for respecting leadership, I'm very agreeable. But everybody is equally valuable.

 

[Suzanne]

Which is why I am unable to work in such negative environments! I have tried and felt the sting and could not cope.

Unfortunately, we are all imperfect and this ranking happens inside of work and outside of work too.

 

[1ofakind]

I'm posting this as a reflection of the last several months where I was basically bullied out of a job by some high ranking social people at work.
I was the obvious target of some passive aggressive and also some blatant shows of disrespect, making my job and socializing/getting along with coworkers difficult.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea personally I'm sure, I'm socially awkward and have narrow interests, bad at small talk etc. But I'm kind, polite, helpful, intelligent and have good work productivity. I really was struggling with the "why" I became such a weighted target. I've struggled with it for months, and it took a lot out of my self confidence and self esteem.

I've been processing this a lot. What is it that classed me at the bottom of the social ranking system? What was so inherently wrong with me that I was treated in such ways as you might treat someone who is offensively obtuse, rude, lazy, etc? Being on the spectrum has certainly made being on the outside and not being able to connect with people/make friends the norm, but never in my life was I treated with such disdain and disrespect. It really messed with my head.

I think, it boils down to dishonesty. Just, the social system itself is set up to be dishonest. People say they value traits such as honesty, kindness, integrity, altruism, etc but it's really not true. Because when it comes to bullies, it's the more aggressive that move up the rank. And you only move up in rank by showing that you are okay with stepping on others. But these socially aggressive are the people who become popular, the ones that most seek out for friendship and binding and clique forming. Not those who possess the qualities in which we as a human race SAY that we value.

I realized, it's not that I'm a bad person, I'm not lazy or dishonest or rude, I didn't do anything to put myself in that situation except for refusing to be like them. I wouldn't partake when they were relentlessly chastising someone behind their back, or agree with their chosen ostrisization of others based on arbitrary social rules that don't make sense. And since I didn't want to throw the darts, I became the target. I've lived by the rule that humans value the things they say they value. Things I value in friendship/social situations as well. When I wound up so undeniably in the human refuse section of the social hierarchy, I couldn't help but feel like I'd failed at those valuable traits. Why else would they hate me so much?

For months I'd come home defeated that not only must I be this awful person, but also that my self awareness is so poor that I couldn't figure out what it was that made me so awful.

But it's not me. It's them. They lie about what they value. Being honest, loyal, hardworking, a good person does not mean that you will be socially accepted. And not being socially accepted does NOT make you a bad person.

I left that work situation and I'm finally able to look at it with some clarity. I made this account just to post this here to get others insights and to see if perhaps my conclusion might help someone else going through the same situation.

I'm so sorry you went through this at work! I also went through similar circumstances at work. I don't understand why many people are so inauthentic. Trying to understand, I started to learn about narcissistic abuse. It taught me about the "masks" toxic people wear and the games they play to get ahead (gaslighting, smear campaigns, etc.). These toxic people are often the ones who work their way to the top deceptively. Seems to me like the more authentic, unsuspecting, honest person on the spectrum is often an easy target. I wish that the workplace was more about quality work than these toxic social "games".

 

[AspieChris]

I have the target of bullies my whole life. Particularly at work because I am very productive and it makes lazy people afraid that my way of ripping through jobs at lightning speed with excellent quality will highlight how much they’re lying when they say that they’re working hard. I have a real problem with sitting and being unproductive, but only because the silence drives me insane and I absolutely hate talking to people. I don’t want anyone to hate me but I just can’t sit still instead of working. I do have a routine that has really worked though:

First, I try and find someone who has roughly the same job duties/responsibilities as I do. I’ll eventually ask them straight out “ Hey…. how many of these does everyone usually do in a day?” I might even tell them that I don’t want to be #1 and screw up the curve. After that, I consciously do exactly the amount that everyone else is doing. It usually leaves me with several hours with nothing to do…. and it totally sucks for me to be bored. So I go around and calmly ask the others (avoiding the particularly nastiest people) if they need any help. I’ll even complete an extra project and let someone else take all of the credit so that they can ‘relax’ and do nothing that day.

It takes time to build a rapport with the group. At least a few days to a month or two. Initially it seems like I’m going to Narc or take credit for helping them after my work is done, but I follow a strict code of never telling the boss. Once they understand that I wont snitch on they’re laziness, I become everyone’s best friend. I’m not the person they love to hate. I’m the guy who solves everyone’s problems who is also quirky.

I know it sucks that I have to be everyone’s problem solver and it totally wears me out sometimes when I forget where my boundaries need to be. But it really does stop me from being the dartboard until people can have a chance to see how valuable I really am.

 

[paloftoon]

People can sense when someone is socially weak and they tend to want to take advantage.

The best way to figure this out (besides learning the hard way with experiences ) is to think about beforehand what is okay with you in terms of personal boundaries. Should there be times where you find ways to say "no", or should you go to something you don't like to show support once in awhile? If you "put out" and they don't reciprocate enough, are you able to invite back or turn down a request you aren't interested in if they ask you something you don't like again (and it's not work related)?

When work is involved, balancing interpersonal relationship and/or keeping everything purely professional can be difficult. It varies from person to person and situational context as well can be complex.

Generally, rather than go hard core avoid pleasantries, maybe try to find a way to do this or invite someone to something that you plan on doing regardless of if that person accepts or not. If it's a place where there's other people they can mingle with, this could be helpful too. If you invited such and such a person and they accept via your invitation, if you plan to leave, you should let that person know before you leave.