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Nothing and more nothing

righan said:
Unrequited love is a difficult thing. I was in love with someone when I was 19 that couldn't love me back ... I don't think she knew how to love anyone. It took me a few years before I could let it go. Even dating other people didn't make it go away. Then one day ... it stopped. I don't know why. I was never able to be her friend. It was always too painful.

I have managed to become 'just friends' with other people I've dated, but it took a while first. Some of them I've never been able to be just friends with. A lot of what made me comfortable with them is me growing and changing and becoming a person who would no longer have interest in them anyway.

I also felt for a long time I was unlovable ... and then when I was in my early 20s ... I read a book about a man in his 40s who had thought he was undeserving and unlovable ... but over the course of the book he found love ... true love ... when I got to that point in the book something in me broke ... a dam of emotion ... and I cried for hours. However, when it was over I was different. It had changed something in me. I don't know why that is.

A few weeks later, an X looked me up ... someone who had broken my heart in highschool ... we started dating and eventually got married. We've been together for almost 20 years. One part was that we had to be the right people for each other ... but that wasn't enough. The other part was we had to be ready to love and be loved before it could work between us.

I don't know what your future is. I don't know if this guy is right for you or not. I do know you can't force yourself to get over him and you can't force him to be the person you want. You just have to ride it out and let yourself get where your going to get.

Remember, though, that the one constant is change. You are changing and nothing stops that. How you feel right now is just right now. Eventually it will be different. Its like a long journey ... no matter how much the journey sucks, the only way to get to your destination is to keep moving forward ... but as you keep moving forward, eventually you'll get to where you want to go.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I know things will change. I can't wait for this point in my life to be over and for me to be through it and into a different place.

Normally I would move towns. I used to love doing that. Just head for a new place and start again every few years. It was an adventure.

But I'm a grown up now who owns a house and I quite like this town and the friends I've made here. I have good neighbours too.

This bloke is the only bad thing really.
 
I was looking back through some old messages. I feel really stupid. There was nothing there. I only wanted there to be something.

It's so sad and pathetic. The only man to ask me out whom I actually liked... didn't really have any feelings for me. I thought I had finally met someone who liked me too... and it was empty... It was nothing. I've only ever had 2 other guys ask me out, but I wasn't interested. I thought things had finally changed.

I'm finding this really difficult to deal with. I'm really stressed. Having some mint tea and watching a movie in my pyjamas to try and chill out. I feel stupid.

I don't remember any of the good times anymore. I can see now that he didn't really care about me. Especially now my other male friend has a girlfriend he is head-over-heels for. That's a something. Can see what love is in that. I've only ever had nothings. Even the thing I had that appeared to be a something, was a nothing.
 
Really what I want us to be ok on my own living a healthy life before I try and get into a relationship again.

I don't want to be one of these people who pins all their ideas of happiness in some magical unknown love who maybe won't even turn up. I need to be happy within myself.

It's difficult to rebuild your self esteem after years of rejection. It feels like there is something obviously wrong with me and I can't see it, yet all my friends say that's not true, I'm not lacking.

My sister saw someone last month who we have known since we were teenagers and they were amazed that I was still single and that no one had snapped me up.

There's this weird disconnect between how single men see me and how everyone else on the planet sees me.

I need to focus on what they majority think about me and not these guys.

It's difficult. The last one was the first one I really liked who asked me out. Even someone who sees something in me ultimately didn't want me, so how in the world am I meant to find anyone?

Not looking for advice on how to date. I just want to know how you find contentment and happiness on your own.
 
You sound a bit like a close friend of mine. She was alone or in bad relationships for a long time.. Struggled to find someone for a long time.
She handled it by just doing things for herself. She took up volleyball, and played competitively. She had a dog. She went travelling. She engaged in entrepreneurial activities. She filled her life with things she was interested in doing. These things gave her happiness and contentment. And since then, she's also found someone that she seems to be good with. But she still does not depend on him for her happiness. She already has that on her own.
 
Feel like I need a bit of a moan again.

I'm annoyed with myself for feeling sad today. I've lost a friend through losing a romantic relationship. I can't be friends, it doesn't work.

I don't know why I still feel sad. I was dumped, but I'm the one who said no to a friendship. I drew a boundary line to protect myself. I made a decision to move on, but I still feel sad when I know our mutual friends are all together and I've said no because I know he's going to be there.

I have other friends. I spent some time with them today. We talked and laughed and it felt good. I'm not lonely, but I still feel sad and I don't want to. I'd love it if I could just be able to say, "I'm ok with this. It doesn't hurt anymore" and actually be ok. Stupid emotions.

Why am I not okay?
 
If a blue mood persists longer than 2 weeks, it is called "clinical depression" and is worth a visit to a mental health provider.

On a more experiential level ... the best way to get over a loss is to fill your awareness with something that can act as a substitute. A distraction.

Eventually, even though you don't want to be friends with this person any more, you may feel strong enough that when mutual friends are together, you can participate and tolerate that person's presence. You shouldn't lose your friend circles just because of a falling out with one of them.
 
I've been to the Dr and I'm taking antidepressants.

I don't need to go to the things he goes to. I still have a social life. I still spend time with those friends.
 
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