NPD /ASD what's the relationship?

[Judge]

Anyone visiting this forum can see that we have genuine feelings just like Neurotypicals do. Except perhaps that in some instances we manifest them differently.

But we still have them...something I suppose that it often lost in anyone analyzing us at face value alone.

 

[rachelsp]

Hello all,

I've learned that people with asperger's are often misdiagnosed with personality disorder.
I know that this is because their behaviors and traits are oftentimes similar to each other.

My questions : do they show show similar behaviors in romantic relationships as well?

Many of the psychopathy(or NPD) survivor communities say that people with personality disorders show a certain relationship pattern which goes idealize-devalue-discard.

Do people with asperger's show a certain relationship pattern like NPDs?

 

[Chance]

Hello all,

I've learned that people with asperger's are often misdiagnosed with personality disorder.
I know that this is because their behaviors and traits are oftentimes similar to each other.

My questions : do they show show similar behaviors in romantic relationships as well?

Many of the psychopathy(or NPD) survivor communities say that people with personality disorders show a certain relationship pattern which goes idealize-devalue-discard.

Do people with asperger's show a certain relationship pattern like NPDs?

Looking back n my life "relationships" are pretty problematic... I simply see, feel, sense, everything differently so I don't perceive affection as others do... If someone is a really touchy feely person, and demands to touch me and be too close to me... It basically freaks me out. If they demand admiration from me, it freaks me out. If they say they need to be treated in a special manner, or deserve some level of special treatment... I simply don't often know how to do that without "manufacturing" some level of fakeness in how we correspond with each other.

Overtime I have found it is safer for me to simply avoid close personal relations. Its often too complicated and I usually am made to be the inferior fool. I need time to think. I need people to give me my personal space. I can often find the right emotions IF I am given the time to make things equal what I truly feel... BUT IF I dont feel how I am expected to feel... then I am seen as a cold hearted jerk, when that was the very last thing I was trying to be.

So my future has no more want for most any level of "relationship" UNLESS by some miracle someone might allow me to be my true self and not expect me to change to fit their needs.

I do not expect others to change. I just wish they would be honest and upfront in the beginning on what they expect from me.

I may fall asleep in a conversation... It doesn't mean you bore me. It means I was tired, overwhelmed, had too much input for the day, did too much that I didn't or don't usually do. My brain will literally shut me down, even if my body is screaming to carry on... I can override this to some extent, but it has a cost and mental exhaustion is a high price to pay over and over.

I may not say anything (when people apparently are expecting a response)... I later notice a distancing, or an agitation and I go off in my head and relive (retrace) what took place... Meanwhile they are still moving forward and maybe in a not so nice manner... So this snowball effect starts happening where I cant keep up with all the screwups I am committing (not on purpose)... It gets complicated really fast... Now throw in any romantic gestures in this mix and I can get very uncomfortable really fast. Its not that I'm not capable. It simply that my perceptions of everything is so different that I start struggling when I should be having the time of my life...

So many people see people like me as duds or useless. They are in such a rush that they cant see while they are already to third base... I'm still standing at bat, now with 2 fouls and hoping for a bundt. I have been in situations where I was "expected" to do what the other person wanted... Once that is made clear and if my perceptions cant make any logic of it... then yes I'm done and I'm the jerk who cant read these signals that 99% of the world find easy to figure out... Or do they? It seems like no one gets a gold metal in the relationship olympics... No one I know of anyway. : )

I may drift off in my head while we are talking which may have been triggered by something you said. I may get stuck on that while you have already moved two subjects from it. This makes me come off as WEIRD... Yet I may have been so involved in something you said and you will never even know that...

Relationships are so tiring for me... I would just rather eat a lawnmower blade, or drink gasoline I think...

 

[Bolletje]

When I meet new people I get along with I’m usually super excited about it for a while and think everything about this new person is awesome (my boyfriend likes to joke about my platonic crushes). After a while I start to notice the other person’s flaws and realize they are people too. This is at the same point where the novelty wears off and the frequency of contact decreases. At this point it either turns into a deeper friendship, or it peters out because it turns out we don’t have that much in common once the newness is out of the way. This goes for friendships and flings alike.

I don’t devalue or discard people though. The only reason I’d cut people out of my life is if they hurt me or repeatedly make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I can’t have people in my life who don’t respect my boundaries.

 

[Tom]

I have no idea if there is a a pattern to Autistic relationships. Being a mental condition I would guess that problems are common. As far as "idealize-devalue-discard" goes, I would venture to say that is common and occurs accross all types of people including NTs. A crappy side of human nature.

 

[mw2530]

Men with ASD probably idealize women if they have not dating very much. Many men with ASD like myself have had very few actual conversations with women around our age much less dated very much. And I'm 30 years old lol. That leaves us to mentally construct and idea of the women species in our head and what they may generally act like or what they think about. We desire women so our imagination paints a picture of someone who is perfect and there are no problems. So when we actually talk to a woman or get in a relationship we are inexperienced and probably in over our heads. The woman probably does not understand this at first and expects more from their aspie boyfriend. Boyfriend tolerates for a while but gets increasingly frustrated and irritated when they can't seem to please there NT girlfriend, and eventually is exhausted and realizes the relationship is not working. That's a quick life cycle of many of our relationships. At least from what I've read from other threads on here. Not from personal experience lol.

 

[AO1501]

I'd agree with Tom, that I would doubt there's a pattern to autistic relationships, because every person is different, thus the relationships are too.

I think it is a significant mistake however to conflate Asperger's Syndrome and personality disorder in any way however, and doing so simply makes it much harder to understand either. That they are sometimes confused for each other is nothing but evidence of how hard it is to properly and effectively diagnose mental health problems, and that any of those who work in the firld are less than entirely competent, but the fact is that Asperger's Syndrome and Personality Disorder are separate things because they are two very different things.

What you are trying to do here is apply your value on your failed relationship to your ex, who doesn't think or understand the world (and your relationship) the way you do.

What I would suggest is that instead of researching what people like you think of a disorder which is nothing to do with Asperger's Syndrome, you instead research what Asperger's Syndrome is and how it impacts those on the spectrum who have it. Understanding your ex instead of trying to label him might be more help than you seem to imagine.

 

[Mattymatt]

Hello all,

I've learned that people with asperger's are often misdiagnosed with personality disorder.
I know that this is because their behaviors and traits are oftentimes similar to each other.

My questions : do they show show similar behaviors in romantic relationships as well?

Many of the psychopathy(or NPD) survivor communities say that people with personality disorders show a certain relationship pattern which goes idealize-devalue-discard.

Do people with asperger's show a certain relationship pattern like NPDs?

If my understanding is correct, Autism is a neurological/developmental condition whereas psychopathy and personality disorders are psychological in nature. I am sure it is possible for an Autistic person to also suffer from psychopathy, schizophrenia, or anti-social personality disorder but I couldn't begin to speculate as to the numbers. I think that the symptoms between NPD and ASD are pretty distinct and a competent psychiatrist or psychologist could spot the difference. My understanding of NPD is also that it is usually a cold and calculating individual.

 

[asperagus]

I've been looking into this and while they say a narcissist (NPD narcissist personality disorder) is to be avoided as much as possible, I suspect Aspies (or anyone on the Autism spectrum) would be more vulnerable to NPD's. Narcissists are truly wolves in sheep clothing, and Aspies get caught in their manipulative tricks longest.

My understanding is this...

• NPD's prey on vulnerability
• Aspies can be blissfully trusting of others, especially if those people give the impression that they want to help
• Aspies struggle more with interpersonal conflict/drama/etc. than NT's, making them less likely to walk away from NPD's
• There's a clear difference between Aspies and NPD's...Aspies may show a lack of sensitivity but NPD's show insensitivity...among many other differences

I think it's hardest when there are NPD's in the family. I suspect many Aspies have NPD's in the family, since some Aspies marry NPD's (parasitic relationship). Definitely something to watch out for.

 

[Adora]

Interesting topic,I do believe the possibility of those on the spectrum being vulnerable to those with NPD,I have a trusting nature and see the good in people but unfortunately it had led me to be taken advantage of and be called naive and even dumb.

I think those on the spectrum may even attract emotional vampires and get taken advantage of easily,I have been manipulated by a lot of people in my life including family members and while none of them have been diagnosed with NPD there are some with definite traits and I think my late dad had some traits though he never was diagnosed.

 

[asperagus]

Interesting topic,I do believe the possibility of those on the spectrum being vulnerable to those with NPD,I have a trusting nature and see the good in people but unfortunately it had led me to be taken advantage of and be called naive and even dumb.

I think those on the spectrum may even attract emotional vampires and get taking advantage of easily,I have been manipulated by a lot of people in my life including family members and while none of them have been diagnosed with NPD there are some with definite traits and I think my late dad had some traits though he never was diagnosed.

@Adora I am sorry to hear about your late father. In my case, my mother and one of my sisters are definitely NPD. While not officially diagnosed, I sadly cannot be around them.

 

[asperagus]

I see my thread was merged into a much, much older thread. That's fine, keeping things on topic. Though I do believe my initial post (now in this thread) covered the topic from a fairly different vantage point and provided objective thoughts, rather than this thread's somewhat of a fuzzy start. No idea whether this thread's OP is still an active member on the forums and whether they got their questions fully answered either here or elsewhere, but I'd still like to answer the questions in OP to the best of my ability.

1. I'd say the bully is clearly an NPD trait. If the AS wants to impose their desires above the lack of approval of others, I suspect the AS will do it in a sneaky way, rather than resort to aggressive behaviour. I'd say AS are usually on the receiving end of bullying.
2. AS would only be obsessed with their appearance if it's either a personal interest (the desire to look a certain way), or whether there'd be certain appearances that really bother them (or if they're somehow bothered by not appearing a certain way). More of a case by case, but not something more common among AS than NT's
3. I have only seen NPD's threaten others with a knife or any weapon in movies. Our most obvious example of AS today on the screen is Sheldon Cooper from BBT, who's definitely non-violent. Any violent AS would be a result of their environment, same likelihood as an NT
4. AS might be obsessed with status and/or power within the scope of their personal interests. Aside that I'd say no.