NT and Aspie Communication

[Grumpy Cat]

Since the main difference between NT's and Aspies is in how they communicate, what do you (an Aspie) think an NT could do for you to make communication in an NT/Aspie friendship/relationship easier?

 

[Judge]

Good question. The first thing that comes into mind are the married couples where the NT helps the Aspie as a "wingman"- particularly in social situations like parties or groups of people. They have words or gestures to warn us if we're straying in some way we don't adequately understand or could be socially helpless. Kind of like having your own personal, but passive "interpreter".

This sort of reminds me of my attorney who would sit close enough to me to tap me leg if I was going down the wrong line of answering questions in a deposition.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Good question. The first thing that comes into mind are the married couples where the NT helps the Aspie as a "wingman"- particularly in social situations like parties or groups of people. They have words or gestures to warn us if we're straying in some way we don't adequately understand or could be socially helpless. Kind of like having your own personal, but passive "interpreter".

This sort of reminds me of my attorney who would sit close enough to me to tap me leg if I was going down the wrong line of answering questions in a deposition.

One problem that might come up with an NT helping their Aspie in that way is the NT may feel like they fall into a roll of "parenting". It might feel to both parties like a scolding of sorts. Maybe it would depend on what cues are given. Of course, discussing with each other what was said or done wrong should take place in a private place so no one gets embarrassed.

My question is that I've read some Aspies are told something was said or done incorrectly, but they keep repeating the same action over and over again. Do Aspies remember things they've said incorrectly or do they just forget about what they said or did incorrectly after the moment is gone?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Wow, that's descriptive of me!!! Your question is a good one. I sat here a minute contemplating and I think I might have an answer, at least from my point of view. I could be wrong, which is to say I'll give you the same answer over a few times.

Seriously, I suspect that the reason I keep repeating the same mistake is because my brain doesn't register [whatever] as being wrong, so therefore I keep repeating the mistake not grasping it's wrong. At some point my brain realizes the folly and chooses a different course of action. I'm open to discussion on my theory since I'm sure someone has a better idea than me.

This is so interesting! For me to really know how to do something I have to do it at least three times on my own with my hands (visually seeing how something is done doesn't work for me). Is that what it's like? Is the third time a charm?

 

[Christy]

This is so interesting! For me to really know how to do something I have to do it at least three times on my own with my hands (visually seeing how something is done doesn't work for me). Is that what it's like? Is the third time a charm?

When you're taught to eat with a knife and fork, it is difficult at first but after a while it becomes second nature and you just do it automatically without thinking about it. But with knowing what not to say or do, to me it never "feels" right. It remains a rule that must always be remembered and applied. That is difficult and tiring. It would be like being told to talk without using the word "and". You would eventually figure out how to do it, but it would probably always remain difficult.

 

[Christy]

Since the main difference between NT's and Aspies is in how they communicate, what do you (an Aspie) think an NT could do for you to make communication in an NT/Aspie friendship/relationship easier?

Give me time and your attention so that we can talk, really talk. Don't assume based on my opening sentences you understand what I'm saying or the perspective I'm approaching it on. Ask questions, repeat back to me in your own words what you think I'm saying, and give me the opportunity to clarify and correct. I will also do the same for you.

 

[zurb]

Give me time and your attention so that we can talk, really talk. Don't assume based on my opening sentences you understand what I'm saying or the perspective I'm approaching it on. Ask questions, repeat back to me in your own words what you think I'm saying, and give me the opportunity to clarify and correct. I will also do the same for you.

The wife of a colleague said my colleague had 'the gift of discernment. He doesn't need to listen because he knows what people are going to say.'

I wanted to whack her. There's a huge difference between discernment and assumption. Truly listening is so important both for NTs and aspies!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

When you're taught to eat with a knife and fork, it is difficult at first but after a while it becomes second nature and you just do it automatically without thinking about it. But with knowing what not to say or do, to me it never "feels" right. It remains a rule that must always be remembered and applied. That is difficult and tiring. It would be like being told to talk without using the word "and". You would eventually figure out how to do it, but it would probably always remain difficult.

Christy, you have a good way of explaining things that make it easy for me to understand.
If its like what Sportster said - that it's hard to retain something that someone tells you was said or done wrong, wouldn't it be best not to correct an Aspie in the first place and just accept them for what they do or say? Or do they prefer to be told if they said or did something wrong? (I guess telling them would help if they had said something that hurt ones feelings.)

 

[Christy]

Christy, you have a good way of explaining things that make it easy for me to understand.
If its like what Sportster said - that it's hard to retain something that someone tells you was said or done wrong, wouldn't it be best not to correct an Aspie in the first place and just accept them for what they do or say? Or do they prefer to be told if they said or did something wrong? (I guess telling them would help if they had said something that hurt ones feelings.)

Thank you, I try ; )

You pose a question which is entirely dependant on the situation. If an NT doesn't understand what it means to be an aspie, then the NT will likely correct the aspie because they're "being rude" (or withdraw because the aspie is rude). But if the NT knows the aspie and can see past the rudeness to the real intent behind the words or act, then what does it matter to correct them other than to save them from embarrassing themselves when with other people?

From my perspective, I would like to know how to act in a situation before I am put in it. That is my ultimate preference. That way I can conform without offending anybody. When around people that accept me for who I am, I could then drop my guard because I know the rules are relaxed.

As for hurting ones feelings, please tell me if I do because it's probably a misunderstanding.

 

[zurb]

Or do they prefer to be told if they said or did something wrong? (I guess telling them would help if they had said something that hurt ones feelings.)

Define 'wrong'. By what standard is it 'wrong'. I think this will very much depend on the situation, but most of what aspies do is not intrinsically 'wrong'. They just don't match NT expectations (which are culturally defined). Different isn't wrong. Maybe by 'wrong', you really mean 'culturally inappropriate'?

One of the things I like about living abroad is that I am accepted for who I am. They expect me to be different.

 

[KassieMac]

My question is that I've read some Aspies are told something was said or done incorrectly, but they keep repeating the same action over and over again. Do Aspies remember things they've said incorrectly or do they just forget about what they said or did incorrectly after the moment is gone?

In my view it's become impossible to keep track of the countless nonsensical rules that so often contradict each other. I have an excellent memory, but I just can't keep track of it all … and when I try I always end up applying the wrong rule or standing there looking like an idiot while I try to remember the right one. As a memory aid I've often asked people for the reasoning behind the rules … because I can figure out what's right far faster than my mind can sort through all the memorized rules … but no one can explain them to me. I remember my mother correcting me because I stir the pot in the wrong direction (I don't see what difference it makes) & that I iron at the wrong end of the ironing board (she can't explain, and my way still makes more sense to me).

Which makes me wonder, is that why NTs can't remember things that seem to naturally stick with me (like word-for-word conversations or spoken agreements) because their memory is used up memorizing the 'right' way to do everything? Personally I'd rather have a sharp memory for things I find relevant, and when other situations arise I observe them and use common sense. In my view it's more practical & efficient, but NTs often see it as 'wrong'.

 

[Judge]

My question is that I've read some Aspies are told something was said or done incorrectly, but they keep repeating the same action over and over again. Do Aspies remember things they've said incorrectly or do they just forget about what they said or did incorrectly after the moment is gone?

"Occam's Razor" comes to mind. That the simplest explanation is most often the most plausible one.

There are some traits and behaviors we can correct or improve upon. However there are also some that we cannot. And while an NT may want desperately to know why this is so, the reality may quite often be that there is no answer. Only that it may be neurological and involuntary. Which in case an NT has to accept it every bit as much as we have to. This is where understanding and tolerance go a long way for both NT and Aspie.

It's a struggle in some cases when it comes to consciously trying to undo one's own behaviors. Believe me...

 

[zurb]

Which makes me wonder, is that why NTs can't remember things that seem to naturally stick with me (like word-for-word conversations or spoken agreements) because their memory is used up memorizing the 'right' way to do everything? Personally I'd rather have a sharp memory for things I find relevant, and when other situations arise I observe them and use common sense. In my view it's more practical & efficient, but NTs often see it as 'wrong'.

One of the reasons they may see it is as wrong is because they expect an immediate conditioned response. If there is a delay because we want to consider it, they see it as calculated and not genuine. Only an instant emotional response counts for some reason. Oh so often caught out with this!

 

[KassieMac]

One of the reasons they may see it is as wrong is because they expect an immediate conditioned response. If there is a delay because we want to consider it, they see it as calculated and not genuine. Only an instant emotional response counts for some reason. Oh so often caught out with this!

But they are always offended by my instant emotional reactions -- what they really want is an instant pre-programmed reaction that complies with a never-documented constantly-changing set of nonsensical 'rules' (as far as I can tell). Even if someone would be so kind as to keep us informed, my brain just can't keep up with it all. It's much easier & more natural to stick with logic, reason, and things that follow a defined pattern & make sense. No wonder I find computers much easier to deal with than people.

 

[zurb]

I find a lot of things NTs talk about just aren't that interesting and/or I have no relevant experience to share (This doesn't seem to stop an NT). If I do get involved, I find NTs never really listen, and randomly jump from topic to topic. By the time I have listened and prepared a response the conversation has somehow got onto some totally unrelated topic and my comment is now pointless. On the rare occasions that someone actually stops and asks my opinion I'm usually too shocked to reply.

 

[zurb]

I remember my mother correcting me because I stir the pot in the wrong direction (I don't see what difference it makes)

Maybe because one of your ancestors was randomly stirring the pot one day. Your ancestor's parent, wanting something consistent and systematic, got frustrated and said to stir it 'like this'. 'Like this' became a law passed from generation to generation, but the reason was lost. Saw a story like this once about preparing roast beef.

I used to get reprimanded for not stirring in a proper figure of eight. But I thought a pure figure of eight misses a lot of the bottom. Even now, I have to cover the whole pot bottom, even if I do a basic figure of eight.

 

[Judge]

Hmmm. I always heard stirring the pot in the "right" direction is relative to which hemisphere you exist in. North or south.

Just kidding. I suppose we all have our own personal methodologies on so many things. Which direction do I stir the pot? Never thought about it. Likely both in the same time frame.

LOL...I'd think stirring vigorously for a specified time is probably all that counts with most cooking instructions.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I find a lot of things NTs talk about just aren't that interesting and/or I have no relevant experience to share (This doesn't seem to stop an NT). If I do get involved, I find NTs never really listen, and randomly jump from topic to topic. By the time I have listened and prepared a response the conversation has somehow got onto some totally unrelated topic and my comment is now pointless. On the rare occasions that someone actually stops and asks my opinion I'm usually too shocked to reply.

I'm laughing at the jumping topics because my Ma will do that sometimes and I'll say "What are you talking about? I'm still back on this topic!" I'll even ask her how did she get from what we were talking about to the new topic, Sometimes NT's can't even keep up with other NT's.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I remember my mother correcting me because I stir the pot in the wrong direction (I don't see what difference it makes) & that I iron at the wrong end of the ironing board (she can't explain, and my way still makes more sense to me).

I can see why you're confused because it looks like your Ma had her own way of doing things that she was used to and she was trying to get you to do those things the exact same way. It's kinda like with me and my friend Mary. She was taught how to knit in a weird way and she had a problem doing the purl stitch because of it. Rather than me trying to figure out how to do the purl stitch in the weird was she was taught and teach her that way, I just wanted her to "unlearn" how she was taught and learn it the "right way". Of course that never happened. She finally was able to figure it out her way.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

One of the reasons they may see it is as wrong is because they expect an immediate conditioned response. If there is a delay because we want to consider it, they see it as calculated and not genuine. Only an instant emotional response counts for some reason.

If someone hem haws around with a response, it usually means they can't make up their mind and are "wishy washy" or they are trying to come up with a lie of some kind and are really bad at lying. An instant emotional response means it is a "truthful" response and came off the top of the persons head so it must be actually how that person feels about that topic. It's kinda like when an Aspie tells you something off the top of their head - even though it blunt, it's exactly how they think of that topic.