Long before I knew I was Aspie, I had heard that in any relationship there is one who typically does the giving in/going along. But after many years now I am not sure that is actually the best way or any guarrentee of success. I think in many cases all it does is form a dam of resentment that will give one day, and perhaps take the relationship with it.
NTs aren't attracted to Aspies for no reason. It is often because they are different. It may be the Aspie provides something in a relationship that the NT wants/needs but hasn't been able to find elsewhere. But in time all the other aspects of an autism affected personality come out, and those are different too and some will not be just what they always wanted. The Aspie goes thru the same sort of cycle. In the beginning its usually just about the couple but then they find out there is a whole set of NT expectations and needs unlike their own.
As Judge said theoretically both partners should try and give equally but that is not feasible in many cases. Everything can't be cut neatly down the middle. I find there are some places I can give a lot of ground, some a bit and some hardly any at all. It seems to be exactly the same with the NT.
This is where the work comes in, over time going over each thing, each sector piece by piece and coming up with a satisfactory and sustainable balance (equalness in met needs and desires) between you. Sometimes you might have to put up with an imbalance just to get past a hard spot, but long term its not good.
A partner may not always see it this way or see it at all. Then you must force them to see it. One way or another, probably best with tact and patience, they must come to understand and care enough to give.
I think in a romantic relationship people need to give equally, or really, each give more than 50% as well as be & show commitment, willingness & be the polar opposite of stubbornness. When one partner is always giving in or going along, or always gives more, there is bound to eventually be some resentment, bad feelings or disappointment. Also, no one wants to be end up feeling like their partner's parent. And no one wants to be left feeling unloved or unappreciated.
But that is NOT to say that each partner is always giving equally at every moment or in the same way, just that both partners need to FEEL good about the relationship in a 'net-net' way. If a partner truly feels loved, respected, appreciated, & treasured IMO they would not mind making a larger share of compromises to accommodate their loved one's 'issues', disabilities, illnesses, difficulties or whatever they might be. That is an example of two equally committed & loving partners where one NEEDS more than the other, but NOT that one loves more than the other.
IMO that is where one common problem seems to arise from many 'dating' NT/Aspie relationships. One person (usually the woman & usually an NT) is actually unhappy or just sad, dissatisfied or hurt over an intimate relationship with an Aspie male because although they seem extremely compatible & happy when together, the male is not showing the expected signs of interest (& thus also commitment) when they are not physically together. The question becomes 'is the way he's acting because of his Aspergers?' After all, obsessive interests, withdrawing for extended periods, lack of communication, etc.. can reportedly be Aspie traits. (Plus sometimes throw in that he's been hurt before so is now bitter.) The lovelorn female always wonders if it's really a great mutual love & he's just showing Aspie traits that he can't help, OR is she just 'loving too much" - i.e.; waiting around for a guy who just isn't THAT into her. She hates to give up on someone she loves & is crazy about, BUT .....
I find it interesting that in many cases the male is behaving much like either a commitment phobic or a narcissistic man. In one example here on AC, the guy even exhibited psychopath or sociopathic traits which must have co-existed with his ASD. In a few cases the relationship mirrors "a friends with benefits" arrangement.
To be honest, I see NO benefit to the woman in these relationships, & in my own opinion the young women who are attracted to (& hang around) in these unhappy situations have their own personal emotional issues - one specifically mentioned childhood trauma. In other words, an emotionally & mentally healthy & stable NT would NOT become attached to, or be interested in guys who acted or treated them this way. For whatever reason they are treating a woman who claims to love them & who is having sex with them poorly, carelessly & with disregard. Most (maybe all?) of the young women who have requested love advice on AC would receive a "dump him now" (& also focus on & heal yourself) admonition from me, but I try to stay quiet.
I do NOT think that is the same as having a true friend or bf/gf relationship with an Aspie who is committed & loves/cares for their friend or partner BUT has limitations as to what they can & cannot do, & requires some special accommodations.
Random example: if I had a friend who had no arms I would always carry everything for the two of us. I would not mind or believe that they were not doing their share etc.. But it would be nice for them to say once in awhile,'Hey, I really appreciate you always carrying everything, thank you'. Or if I started to get the
feeling (in my heart) that we did not mutually value each other, & I was just being used to carry their stuff around for them, hmmm ... I would dump them.
I do think an NT & Aspie could fall in love, & have a happy & satisfying relationship if they shared a
mutual love, respect & commitment. I think the bigger hindrance to a healthy, happy realtionship is not being ASD &/or NT, but the existence of co-morbid or co-existing psychiatric conditions. Fortunately some are more mild & also more treatable than others. I also personally think that either partner having a true personality disorder is a major hindrance. Otherwise, where there is love & intelligence, all things should be possible. (Cue the music ...
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