NT husband here looking for some clarification

[Gracey]

@Gracey
Maybe your guess is spot on. I guess my question about that is: how do you deal with a relationship where the other person finds themselves and the entire relationship warps because they aren't who you originally married?

Thank you for your honest post
She has always been the same person.
(Diagnosed or undiagnosed)

People are always changing. Are you the same person you were on your wedding day?
(Pre-children and financial responsibility)

You call it a “warp” I’d call it a blip. A bit of uneven ground to cover.

I’m intrigued you think this man; who is supposedly being deployed soon, is full of crap and there are holes in his story.

Would you protect your wife ?(being taken in by this man) or do you let her make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons?
If you can present a watertight case to your wife disproving his claims...and I’m going to guess your wife prefers honesty? Maybe she’ll start to see him in a different light?

(Your case will have to be watertight, it’s going up against a romantic fantasy.
Solid, indisputable black and white, cold,hard facts to get her feet back on the ground)

(I’m also going to guess she’ll hit the roof because of your snooping but you did it to protect her?)
Not ‘bursting her bubble’ out of spite but because you suspected he was taking advantage of her gullibility.


To get her to open up emotionally may take patience, time and some space.

If you find a way to bring this about sooner, not including truth serums an torture, then my own husband would like your advice please

Wanting to keep your family together is wonderful.
The girl is crazy if she doesn’t see you as a ‘keeper’
Good luck

 

[Bella Pines]

I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

Wow, well firstly you are not crazy, you are awesome, she is so lucky to have you.

I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."

Well I'm the aspie wife, 40s, 2 children and my husband is NT and has spent decades trying to understand me.

To try to explain from her point of view, aspies are indeed highly logical. It's true that happiness is indeed the responsibility of the individual. No one can "make" someone happy, they simply choose to be happy or not. I mean there are cultures where multiple spouses are normal, it's really just the opinion of society that dictates what is right or wrong and that is all an illusion. I do understand her partially in that I too have become fascinated by some men. They interest me for a time but it always passes. Some are real, some are imaginary. It's just what we do.

She is better than me in the respect that she is honest about it. I've never shared my obsessions with my husband because he would either laugh (due to my falling 'in love, aspie love' with a fictional character from a tv series) or be hurt (when the character is real and in our lives). So good for her for being honest.

However. That's where it ends. Her "I have Asperger's and I can't help it" is utter shite. There is no truth to that and it's an excuse that gives us all a bad name. We are logical, we do have obsessions, but there is nothing in our neurological make up force us to become selfish cows. If she has children then she needs to grow up, stop being so inconsiderate and control herself.

So coming from another female, mother, wife and aspie:

• I have Asperger's and I can't help it. FALSE
• I'm not going to change. TRUE
• I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out. TRUE
• She would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. FALSE, this is her being spoiled
• That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. FALSE, this is her being a cow
• I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them. TRUE, it's not about that, it's more like a hobby or a special interest. In fact I feel a bit sorry for the other guy.
  
• She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. Mostly true, some of my human obsessions have been no more than lab rats to conveniently pass the time. He may well be the victim in all of this!

Either way, good for you for trying, ultimately the kids are the priority. As a mother, I realized long ago that my personal dramas are trivial compared to my kids mental well being. So either get her to therapy or find your own replacement who can better mother your children.

 

[S-Head]

Wow, thank you guys for your responses. I'm really grateful that you all took the time to respond to my plea for help.

@AO1501

Its not that I find her behaviour acceptable, but that I have presented it to her, and she doesn’t care.


@Suzanne

This isn’t the first time that it has happened, but it is the first time that things went as far as they have. Previous time she didn’t develop feelings for the other person.



@Lia

She is not polyamorous...at least not practicing...She mentions occasionally that she wishes she could have a girlfriend. I don't know how serious she is about that though.


@Catana
We have had many upfront conversations about it. But she doesn’t think that my feelings should have to factor into her decision making. I have suggested marital counseling, but she refuses.


@Gracey
My wife’s friend is not an aspie. They’ve talked about it.


In a sense it is partly my insecurity, as I am worried that she will replace me. And its not so much that I want to control my wife, but that I feel like the degree of friendship that she has with him is past what I deem appropriate. What bothers me isn't that talking to him makes her happy, but that its the only thing that makes her happy. She is pushing me further away, and starting to exclude me from parts of her life...currently I only know what she does when I am around. She doesn’t like to talk about everything else. If I ask about it them I’m being nosy.


@Mia
Her friendship with this guy does fulfill something, but its not something that is missing from our marriage, or something that I am failing to do. She has told me explicitly that she doesn’t want me to fulfill this role, and that she wont let me.


@Bolletje
I do consider it an emotional affair, and I have told her that explicitly. She says that she doesn’t consider it one.

Thanks for the sympathy.

@Hoova
I consider the other guy a “willing victim”. The other guy is a handful of years older than my wife.


It is very clear that he wants the attention. He has told her that he loves her, and that she is amazing, and wonderful. He knows that she is married, ive met him a few times.


He is supposedly going to be deployed in october. I think he is full of crap...there are so many holes in his stories I wont even get into them. Lets just say that either he isn’t in the millitary or its not as strict as I’ve been told.


I don’t know that he understands all of those things, but he does understand some of them

@AO1501
I feel like this is kind of similar to your situation. I don't feel like she will take it as far as to disappear for days. But the overall attitude seems very similar.

@Gracey
Maybe your guess is spot on. I guess my question about that is: how do you deal with a relationship where the other person finds themselves and the entire relationship warps because they aren't who you originally married?






I don't want to get a divorce. I want my kids to have both parents in the same home. I just don't know where I can justifiably expect change on her part. Are there things about this situation that wont change, and cant change because she's an aspie? I can deal with things that I can know, and understand.

Any ideas on how I could get her to open up emotionally. Or get her to consider compromises?

I dunno. It needs to be something big, to get her to realize.

Maybe send her off for 3 months to live by herself (aka a "Trial Separation") and she can't see the kids unless she arranges with you beforehand. Give it some thought, don't jump into that one...

 

[WeirdoGuy]

I don't want to get a divorce. I want my kids to have both parents in the same home. I just don't know where I can justifiably expect change on her part. Are there things about this situation that wont change, and cant change because she's an aspie? I can deal with things that I can know, and understand.

Any ideas on how I could get her to open up emotionally. Or get her to consider compromises?

While change may be harder for us, it is not impossible. You may need to express to her how serious this is. You need to sit her down and ask her to really think about how she would feel if you had the same relationship with another woman that she has. You need to really spell it out though. Go through all of the situations, the phone conversations, saying that it is the only thing that makes you happy, etc. Lay out the entire thing with roles reversed. It is hard for us to not be egocentric and only see things from our perspective. We need this push and need it laid out from the other person's perspective. This role reversal explanation is something that has been used on me several times.

After you describe the whole situation, with you and a woman having that relationship, ask her how she would feel? My guess is she would not feel very good about it. Then you need to tell her how much it is affecting you. Let her know that even though you do not want a divorce, you are not sure how long you could live like this. She needs to take this situation seriously.

If she doesn't understand at that point or doesn't seem to care, you may have to end your marriage. I know you said you don't want that, and you have kids. But if she isn't willing to at least try to change some things for you, this is going to end eventually. Being on the spectrum has its challenges, but it should never be an excuse to do whatever you want.