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NT new mom w/ ASD new dad, Help!

petrichor

petrichor

New Member
Hi everyone. I'm a young NT married to a wonderful ASD husband. I'm a new mom of a 2 month old son and need help. Motherhood is amazing but my marriage is struggling and I want to understand my ASD husband more and really want to help him in any way I can. I've been married almost 3 years and met my husband 4 years ago. I didn't know he was a high functioning ASD till he told me, but now that I'm married to him and have a son with him, more is showing that doesn't make sense to me.

My wonderful husband is detailed focused and is an amazing piano player. He has a strict routine that he wont flex or deviate from or gets agitated and stressed if he is rushed. He has to clean and complete tasks to his level of perfection or is unsettled till he can finish. There are more things, but those are some of the main things. My husband has difficulty with life changes and flexibility overall, so I knew having a baby would be a challenge. I know having a baby is stressful with even NT marriages, but some things I wonder are "normal" or resulting from his differently wired brain.

When our son cries my husband can't stand it especially when our son gets loud, so I understand it can be sensory overload so I got ear muffs for him. He says it helps, but now anytime our son makes any grunting, squeak sounds I can see my husband tense up and fear that our son will fuss or cry. This fear of his is so bad that he doesn't want to interact with our son anymore and can't see that this tough newborn stage is temporary. My husband seems to be having a really hard time being empathetic towards our son and has more often said phrases like, "I don't want to deal with this right now" with 'this' referring to our son in a disassociative way. He reacts impulsively on his emotions, especially frustration, anger and helplessness, and doesn't listen when I try to offer help or explain the things I am reading as our sons needs and why. I'm worried that my husband will disassociate further from our son and be an absent father or become an angry father that can't be calm when our son is fussy, upset or acting out.

I know my husband wants to be a dad and involved but is so overwhelmed right now that I have no idea how to help him. I love my husband, quirks, mental differences and all. Any insights, opinions, suggestions or questions are welcome!
 
Many fathers get more involved with kids as they age and learn to talk. Both NT and Autistic.

Its important and very kind of you that you do understand your husband, and you are making a big efford. But your priority may be the baby and yourself, since you are alone at this stage you may consider your wellbeing the top priority right now.

If your husband cant help, make him clear that he must not become a problem. Set your boundaries clear.

I am a father myself and the two first years of the birth of my daughter I aged 10. It was difficult for me. My wife told me easy to do tasks, like cleaning, shopping, and the like. That helped me a lot.

Best of luck.
 
welcome to af.png
 
Sounds very tough. I am not a parent, but I understand and believe that all new parents have to make huge sacrifices and release all expectations that life will simply carry-on as it always did. A child is here now, and so all old routines and habits must be reassessed. Your husband is 50% of the parental structure here, and over time it will be important that you and your child do not feel rejected and neglected by him. Perhaps he needs support, perhaps he needs understanding, but just like any new parent, he will have to face his new reality.

Your husband certainly deserves understanding, compassion, and empathy here. Even reading about your child crying makes me start to tense up and feel stressed. That sound is visceral torture to me. Nevertheless, you deserve understanding and compassion right now as well. Although autism may make some of the challenges of fatherhood exponentially harder for him, it cannot be an excuse for him to simply peace out on this stage of your child’s life.
 
I'm an autistic dad and my wife is NT. The crying was very intense. My biggest place of being cringey with fear was in the vehicle because it was an enclosed space where sound was amplified. I too used over the head noise cancelling headphones, but they're a bit much for inside. High fidelity earplugs work better.

I don't know if this was due to my autism, but it was also very hard for me to relate to our newborns or toddlers. Honestly I didn't feel like a dad until recently and that's like fifteen YEARS later. However, I took the role of being a parent very seriously because I commit to my wife and I being a team. I am very committed to putting in equal effort along with her. I changed countless diapers, fed them, read many stories, bedtime tuck-ins, etc. But my wife was better with the puke. I can't handle that.

I could relate to them much better when they were older. When they were very young I took their behavior as purposeful defiance aimed at me to "flex their muscles" or leverage their position, etc. I can see now that that kind of thinking was completely wrong. A baby does what a baby does because a baby IS a baby. They don't have the capability in any way of doing things to purposely cause agitation, etc.

I hope things get better for you both. You already seem aware of a very important thing to remember with very little children: Their phases seem like they'll last forever. They won't. Like you're saying...it will get better.
 
I was distressed to learn that my son could not stand to be around his newborn. AFAIK, he is not autistic, just unable to deal with fatherhood. My son left his wife and newborn son in Sweden and returned to the US.

I discussed this with a very wise elder who told me that it was okay for fathers to not be involved when the child is an infant. I found this reassuring.

With time he became interested and involved. That was 13 years ago. As far as I can tell everyone is doing well.

So, I would not panic worrying that your husband must participate in child rearing this early in the game. Tell him it is okay and let their relationship develop over time.
 
Have you tried soothing music? Like a nice nature ambient song. Baby cries are hard to handle. Believe me when I say hypersensitivity around them is pure hell. Like a chorus of flash bang grenades echoing inside your head. Putting pressure on your ear drums and brain.
I got used to it over time. “Had a little brother and aunt who had a child.” But, it is an intense and unnerving experience.
 
I think it's a good idea to work around people's strengths and weaknesses. But I also think a key element in marriage is both sharing the load fairly. And I like making deals and dividing responsibilities, not only so both contribute but also giving each an area to be successful in and gain confidence.

One obvious division would be you have everything that comes out the front side and he the backside. ;)
 
Accommodate him wherever it is reasonable (like the headphones) but,
  1. newborns are disruptive (your husband will have to develop a new "normal" that factors in baby).
  2. Does your husband have an autism-competent therapist who can help him to transition there?
 
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Welcome. Are there any support groups that either or both of you may be able to attend, whether locally or virtually, for new parents and/or couples where one or both are on the spectrum? It may be a good way to connect with others and share thoughts and ideas.
 
You are a new Mom so maybe your folk didn't teach you that a baby should rarely cry, feed baby before he cries, if he's niggly check what he/she needs.
Crying baby drives most men nuts, let alone an asd man.
 
Kayla55 said:
Crying baby drives most men nuts, let alone an asd man.
Click to expand...
After we made sure that baby was
  1. safe,
  2. unhurt and
  3. had his/her needs all met,
we had no qualms about letting them cry themselves to sleep behind a closed door. (Headphones would have been an improvement.)
 
Kerry had a colic baby, she spend hours trying to get baby to sleep....one day she wanted to kill him (she didn't of course) but it affecting her work in mornings as single Mom. Shame
Yip, some of us realise we hardly had anything to complain about until you have sick child.
 
Our oldest was colicky. We did whatever was needed, but did not freak out about crying when there was no need attached to it.
 
@petrichor

You have several difficult problems to address, and this is literally the worst possible time in your relationship to address most of them.

Which isn't the kind of start to a post that encourages people to read on, but I'm starting this way because it's the nature of difficult "people problems" that they don't have easy solutions, nor can anything about them be concisely described.

The top of the hierarchy of issues is usual for a first child: you're not ideally prepared for the massive life and relationship changes that the stork brought along with the newborn baby.

Right now it's all too much too quickly, and you don't have a lot of spare energy. You need to prioritize, you'll need to let some issues go, and you'll need some changes from your husband.

I'll start with the easiest one (perhaps the only easy one): parental bonding is hard-wired. So forget it for now. And I do mean forget - you need to save mental energy, so keeping an active "trivia list" is a bad idea.

Something I have to say, because it matters in multiple relevant contexts: just in case you're a believer in the "one exception disproves the rule" fallacy, you need to suspend that for absolutely everything in your personal life for the next three years or so (not joking about the time).
Above all, new mothers need to be realistic and practical.

So: it's true some parents don't bond. They, "M or F", are "broken" humans.
Luckily, thanks to significant evolutionary pressures, it's very rare. Forget the possibility.

On point: it takes time. "Nobody" likes small babies. Mothers are wired to care for them anyway.
Babies are wired to do their part (like "tuning" their cry so their mother "has to" respond).
Men work a little differently, but they definitely bond. Aspies are a little different again, but the same applies. Male Aspies love their kids. But - the father's bonding process is a bit different to the mother's, and the timing is not magically synchronized.

So your action for now is simple. Wait.
Pay no attention whatsoever to this (e.g. don't try to monitor you husband).
Check again at six months.


Normally, next I'd go through your list and add some (a) Aspie-centric items and (b) some "new Mom" items, but then my post would be very long, and I have no idea if anyone would read it /lol.

I'll add to it if I know you're interested.
BTW I always ignore the standard "Please go on". That's actually a reliable indication the reader isn't engaged.
 
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Rodafina said:
Sounds very tough. I am not a parent, but I understand and believe that all new parents have to make huge sacrifices and release all expectations that life will simply carry-on as it always did. A child is here now, and so all old routines and habits must be reassessed. Your husband is 50% of the parental structure here, and over time it will be important that you and your child do not feel rejected and neglected by him. Perhaps he needs support, perhaps he needs understanding, but just like any new parent, he will have to face his new reality.

Your husband certainly deserves understanding, compassion, and empathy here. Even reading about your child crying makes me start to tense up and feel stressed. That sound is visceral torture to me. Nevertheless, you deserve understanding and compassion right now as well. Although autism may make some of the challenges of fatherhood exponentially harder for him, it cannot be an excuse for him to simply peace out on this stage of your child’s life.
Click to expand...
The second part of your response is pretty much word for word what my wife and I talked about when I told her about this post. His autism makes this new 'job' probably harder than it would be for a neurotypical dad. But it is still his new job and responsibility. He should not be given a guilt free pass for acting like a dad.
 
Crossbreed said:
Accommodate him wherever it is reasonable (like the headphones) but,
  1. newborns are disruptive (your husband will have to develop a new "normal" that factors in baby).
  2. Does your husband have an autism-competent therapist who can help him to transition there?
Click to expand...
My husband does not have an autism competent therapist to help transition in this stage of life. We don't have the funds to pay for therapy.
 
petrichor said:
My husband does not have an autism competent therapist to help transition in this stage of life. We don't have the funds to pay for therapy.
Click to expand...
Maybe he would be interested in joining us here, and speaking to other fathers on the spectrum.
 
VictorR said:
Welcome. Are there any support groups that either or both of you may be able to attend, whether locally or virtually, for new parents and/or couples where one or both are on the spectrum? It may be a good way to connect with others and share thoughts and ideas.
Click to expand...
I'm not sure whats out there support group wise like that, but will definitely look. I haven't thought to look for support groups.
 
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