NT new mom w/ ASD new dad, Help!

[petrichor]

@petrichor

You have several difficult problems to address, and this is literally the worst possible time in your relationship to address most of them.

Which isn't the kind of start to a post that encourages people to read on, but I'm starting this way because it's the nature of difficult "people problems" that they don't have easy solutions, nor can anything about them be concisely described.

The top of the hierarchy of issues is usual for a first child: you're not ideally prepared for the massive life and relationship changes that the stork brought along with the newborn baby.

Right now it's all too much too quickly, and you don't have a lot of spare energy. You need to prioritize, you'll need to let some issues go, and you'll need some changes from your husband.

I'll start with the easiest one (perhaps the only easy one): parental bonding is hard-wired. So forget it for now. And I do mean forget - you need to save mental energy, so keeping an active "trivia list" is a bad idea.

Something I have to say, because it matters in multiple relevant contexts: just in case you're a believer in the "one exception disproves the rule" fallacy, you need to suspend that for absolutely everything in your personal life for the next three years or so (not joking about the time).
Above all, new mothers need to be realistic and practical.

So: it's true some parents don't bond. They, "M or F", are "broken" humans.
Luckily, thanks to significant evolutionary pressures, it's very rare. Forget the possibility.

On point: it takes time. "Nobody" likes small babies. Mothers are wired to care for them anyway.
Babies are wired to do their part (like "tuning" their cry so their mother "has to" respond).
Men work a little differently, but they definitely bond. Aspies are a little different again, but the same applies. Male Aspies love their kids. But - the father's bonding process is a bit different to the mother's, and the timing is not magically synchronized.

So your action for now is simple. Wait.
Pay no attention whatsoever to this (e.g. don't try to monitor you husband).
Check again at six months.


Normally, next I'd go through your list and add some (a) Aspie-centric items and (b) some "new Mom" items, but then my post would be very long, and I have no idea if anyone would read it /lol.

I'll add to it if I know you're interested.
BTW I always ignore the standard "Please go on". That's actually a reliable indication the reader isn't engaged.

Yes, I am interested in reading what you have to say no matter how long it is. I'm a SAHM and really do read all the replies here, and appreciate all input.

 

[Magna]

You are a new Mom so maybe your folk didn't teach you that a baby should rarely cry, feed baby before he cries, if he's niggly check what he/she needs.
Crying baby drives most men nuts, let alone an asd man.

It's not that simple. Babies can go through phases of crying for a lot of different reasons. "Cholic" (a nebulous, "we're not entirely sure what baby is crying about" diagnosis) is a problem that can affect babies and which causes them to go on crying/screaming jags for 15-30 mins at a time. Our first born had it and it was extremely harsh to deal with. Also, babies can be upset when they're nervous system is still working itself out and can cause involuntary muscle spasms and they can't fully control their own movements yet. Point being, a baby can have all its needs met and still cry for a reason/reasons completely unknown to others.

 

[Magna]

I'm not sure whats out there support group wise like that, but will definitely look. I haven't thought to look for support groups.

AANE.ORG is a great autism organization in the U.S. and they have online zoom groups for autistic people. The zoom group costs are based on a person's ability to pay. If a person can't financially swing the zoom groups, they're free to join. I would strongly encourage your husband to sign up for zoom group sessions. It's not therapy, they're support groups for and with other autistic people. They also have a facilitator/moderator from AANE for each zoom group to lead and direct the groups.

AANE.ORG

 

[Slightly]

I'm an aspie, my wife is NT, and our daughter is aspie. I'm not very sensitive to sound and our daughter didn't cry much, so I don't have any insights there, but I can speak a bit to the situation.

First though, I think there might be a misunderstanding that will make you feel a bit better. When your hubby says "I don't want to deal with this right now" the "this" almost certainly means the situation (like the three-alarm chili-cup diaper your two-year-old is swimming in), not the baby. I wouldn't read disassociation from the baby into that.

It sounds like your hubby has a hard time with change and will need a while to sort it out. He will need to find new routines and ways of handling new situations.

Don't know if any of it will be useful, or will apply to you, but here are a few things I wish somebody had told us about marriage and parenting, in no particular order...

- Tuck the wipes into the dirty diaper, fold the sides and back tabs over the mess and then ROLL the diaper into a tight ball. Stretch the front tabs around it and then velcro it tightly. It won't smell, won't be gross to carry, and won't stink in the trashcan.

- Don't bother with any of those special smellproof diaper bins - they all suck. Just roll it tightly and your normal trash won't smell.

- Some babies love cold milk.

- You don't need to boil everything. Just wash it normally. Don't you have enough to do already?

- Binkies! BINKIES!

- Parent intentionally, not necessarily how your parents did it. The last 20 years or so have seen huge advancements in the science, and our understanding of, parenting. We know better now, so we can do better. Consider reading a recent, scientifically-aware, parenting book or two. Any of these are great... The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel. Connection Parenting by Pam Leo, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Laura Markham (who also has a great website at ahaparenting.com), No-Drama Discipline by Dan Seigel (again).

- Take a breath. It's not an emergency.

- Be you. Parent you. No matter how many people are watching. No matter how much you may writhe in the real or imagined judgement of others. Your family, teachers, strangers, the other playground parents... ignore them all and just be you, now, with your child.

- It is impossible to spoil a baby with too much love, affection, or availability. A baby should never be left to cry.

- The universe wants you and your husband to have misunderstandings. Reality will almost literally re-jigger itself, sliding around in the background in order to create misunderstandings between the two of you. Don't let it. Both of you listen actively, be honest, verify meaning and intent, don't hide your hurt, don't play games. Most of all, don't assign meaning or read between the lines (either of you). Get good at having uncomfortable conversations. Carrying hurt for years and then discovering (or not discovering) that it was over a misunderstanding, really sucks.

- You two are a team. You have a common goal. Lean on each other, not away from each other.