NT possibly dating man with AS? Help appreciated!

[Keigan]

I did the research and wow.
I know that I am a very emotional person with strong emotional needs. I crave connection and intimacy, it's very important to me. I'm just confused I guess. He had mentioned to me before that he has a hard time connecting with people but says he thinks we have connected. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this and everything I am reading is giving me the basics. May I ask...do you feel connected to people and if so what is it like? Also have you ever been in love?

Good questions.

Connection for me is a decision to give and to serve, to be available, to place the other individual as a priority for my time and my thoughts. Those are actions, they do not start from a warm fuzzy feeling they start from a decision on how I focus my time and energy.

As I accept more regarding my Aspie and Alexi traits, I am finding that more of an emotional connection is showing up.

In general I speak with “I think the Apple looks red” not “I feel the warmth within the color of the apple”. So in general, love is a series of actions not a warm fuzy feeling.

My actions demonstrate love and other things, though after sex i’m Ready to jump up and grab a shower and a cheeseburger not feel like relaxing and cuddling - I would demonstrate those actions because I know it would bring a smile to my partner, but I won’t ever reciprocate that warm glow and comfort that my “empathic” partner feels.

Mine is pervasive, based upon my DNA - i’m Wired this way As is 10+% of the general population.

Others might be state or environmental, caused by trauma that could possibly reversed through therapy.

The real question is your needs as an empathic, can you live with this? Can you live a fulfilling life without that emotional reciprocation? Because for myself, my wiring will never change.

 

[Keigan]

I know that I am emotional also, though rarely do I have the ability to recognize emotions in myself or others beyond the basics of:
- moments of happiness
- moments of sadness
- moments of frustration
- tremendous indifference unless I have focused my mind towards actions

 

[Judge]

Wow. I suddenly find myself wondering what it really is "to be connected" to another person. That attraction itself is a very different thing from being truly connected to someone.

I'm honestly not sure. But then maybe I'm not alone in this, either.

 

[Keigan]

This is my best experience which provides me hope:

Best friend - definition

 

[Keigan]

What I am finding is an emotional connection that has developed over time, that time has witnessed the reciprocation of actions across the relationship - to the point that we both value the relationship and each other.

I absolutely look forward to the next interaction in the relationship, and even as we encounter speed bumps along the way I can feel that connection. The relationship is very important all involved, from there I continue to find more and more value.

So “love” is a definition being defined and brought to life through many things like actions, consistency, growth, embarrassment, mis-communications, distractions, patience - all of different levels at different times and in different moments. Which is far different from the storybook fantasies.....

 

[Keigan]

As I accept more regarding my Aspie and Alexi traits, I am finding that more of an emotional connection is showing up.

I’m self diagnosed about nine months ago. I lived with a straight forward quest regarding the question “why don’t I fit in”. Now I know, it is the way I am wired - with that understanding and acceptance all kinds of new things are appearing in front of me because now there is room/space/acceptance for them to show up.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Good questions.

Connection for me is a decision to give and to serve, to be available, to place the other individual as a priority for my time and my thoughts. Those are actions, they do not start from a warm fuzzy feeling they start from a decision on how I focus my time and energy.

As I accept more regarding my Aspie and Alexi traits, I am finding that more of an emotional connection is showing up.

In general I speak with “I think the Apple looks red” not “I feel the warmth within the color of the apple”. So in general, love is a series of actions not a warm fuzy feeling.

My actions demonstrate love and other things, though after sex i’m Ready to jump up and grab a shower and a cheeseburger not feel like relaxing and cuddling - I would demonstrate those actions because I know it would bring a smile to my partner, but I won’t ever reciprocate that warm glow and comfort that my “empathic” partner feels.

Mine is pervasive, based upon my DNA - i’m Wired this way As is 10+% of the general population.

Others might be state or environmental, caused by trauma that could possibly reversed through therapy.

The real question is your needs as an empathic, can you live with this? Can you live a fulfilling life without that emotional reciprocation? Because for myself, my wiring will never change.

You explained this so well! It struck me as I was reading it because it made me think of something the guy in dating said to me during the most recent conflict. Part of his response to me questioning if he had time to date me was him being very matter of fact 'I make time to see you cause A. I like to and B. Because I know it's important to you' this was odd to me because there was no emotion behind it and I kept thinking he spends time with me because he knows he should. I mean clearly a part of him wants to but I feel a lot of it is because he wants to appease me. I feel like how you explained it makes sense to me now. I always wondered if his physical affection toward me was a choice rather then because he 'feels' it. He has told me has had to learn how to relate to people over the years.
He is a thinker and I am a feeler. And I know he is not going to change and I'm not trying to change him. I was trying to understand him. Can I live with this? If I'm being honest with myself probably not. But I'm struggling to let this go. He called me last night and I was so happy he did but got off the phone feeling off. There again was no emotion, it was all factual and a run down of his weekend. He didn't even mention the conflict we recently had. He must like me or why would he call and spend almost an hour on the phone with me. And btw he rarely calls ever, this was the 2nd time we spoke on the phone in 2 months. A part of me knows I should walk away and the other part truly enjoys his company.
Again thank you for all of your input. It's fascinating to me to see how the brain can be wired so differently. I also found it interesting that you mentioned that your emotions are starting to show up more now that you are aware of the diagnosis.

 

[Keigan]

You explained this so well! It struck me as I was reading it because it made me think of something the guy in dating said to me during the most recent conflict. Part of his response to me questioning if he had time to date me was him being very matter of fact 'I make time to see you cause A. I like to and B. Because I know it's important to you' this was odd to me because there was no emotion behind it and I kept thinking he spends time with me because he knows he should. I mean clearly a part of him wants to but I feel a lot of it is because he wants to appease me. I feel like how you explained it makes sense to me now. I always wondered if his physical affection toward me was a choice rather then because he 'feels' it. He has told me has had to learn how to relate to people over the years.
He is a thinker and I am a feeler. And I know he is not going to change and I'm not trying to change him. I was trying to understand him. Can I live with this? If I'm being honest with myself probably not. But I'm struggling to let this go. He called me last night and I was so happy he did but got off the phone feeling off. There again was no emotion, it was all factual and a run down of his weekend. He didn't even mention the conflict we recently had. He must like me or why would he call and spend almost an hour on the phone with me. And btw he rarely calls ever, this was the 2nd time we spoke on the phone in 2 months. A part of me knows I should walk away and the other part truly enjoys his company.
Again thank you for all of your input. It's fascinating to me to see how the brain can be wired so differently. I also found it interesting that you mentioned that your emotions are starting to show up more now that you are aware of the diagnosis.

Yes he likes you, otherwise he would not communicate with you through any form.

His actions might be to appease you or not, that is something you would have to discuss with him.

Yes, very matter of fact of status and events, past events are over so there is no need to carry them forward especially ones where there has been a mistake made - learn from the mistake and move on.

Be honest with yourself, with your heart and his - he may seem like he is without emotions though one thing that is so important is our connections and friends and partners when we have them - for finding them and keeping them is monumental.

Those are the reason that I asked you to do the research and discover your true emotional needs, this is a decision towards action that only you can make - and it is a matter of hearts, your and his.

Now you understand more and you’ll also feel more.

Best of luck.

K

 

[Fitzo]

I have unfortunately had much more experience than I would like with cluster B personality disorders and know that often they are very manipulative and can be pathological liars. They can also be very unpredictable and act spontaneously with no forethought but will later act like it never happened! If you even suspect he might fit this criteria I would read up on these which do include sociopaths. If you think he might be one of these be grateful you got off lightly. Ending relationships suddenly without explanation is very typical behaviour.

 

[Bella Pines]

do you feel connected to people and if so what is it like? Also have you ever been in love?

Nope. I'm not that familiar with Alexithymia or ptsd or other categories but can speak on HFA, AS or aspergers and answer questions.

I don't so much feel as think. I look at it as very very tightly controlled emotions. Occasionally I go through a loop of intense emotion and shutdown, but not often. I take in a lot of information and need quiet time to process it. I haven't been "in love" in the flowers, tears and song sense of the word. I have grown to love people over time. Like if a new puppy comes into your life, it starts interesting and cute and then it grows on, you to the point where you feel a desire to protect it.

I do think that a lot of emotion can be attributed to chemistry, I had "emotions" when I had post natal depression. This passed after 6 months and I went back to not really feeling much. But I prefer it that way. The 6 months of emotion was exhausting, life makes more sense now.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Yes he likes you, otherwise he would not communicate with you through any form.

His actions might be to appease you or not, that is something you would have to discuss with him.

Yes, very matter of fact of status and events, past events are over so there is no need to carry them forward especially ones where there has been a mistake made - learn from the mistake and move on.

Be honest with yourself, with your heart and his - he may seem like he is without emotions though one thing that is so important is our connections and friends and partners when we have them - for finding them and keeping them is monumental.

Those are the reason that I asked you to do the research and discover your true emotional needs, this is a decision towards action that only you can make - and it is a matter of hearts, your and his.

Now you understand more and you’ll also feel more.

Best of luck.

K

Thank you for all of your insight and suggestions. Things were going well, so I thought, texting normally, normal phone convos. And then boom one night he called and ended it. Said he wasn't interested in dating anymore and that his heart was not in it. I was shocked and hurt. But nothing I can do, he lost interest so we said goodbye. This is very hurtful for me but I really did take into account everything you told me. Maybe this was for the best and my needs wouldn't have gotten met after all.