NT with aspie bf witth anger rants

[Misty Avich]

I have an uncle who could be on the spectrum (I'm not biologically related to him), but he could be ADHD, or both. He's in his 70s now but has always been the same. While he has a good heart, he can get nasty when frustrated and he hates being wrong too. He takes everything out on my aunt, sometimes makes her cry. He blames her for any minor mistakes he makes. He's an aggressive driver too and shouts and swears - oh and blames my aunt for everything the other cars do. When she defends herself he just cuts her off by yelling "sshh!!!! I need to concentrate!"
Very hard work.
Yet he genuinely worries about her and her family and does show love and security. But he just can't control his tempers. He's not violent but he's just very impulsive and can't take accountability for anything he does.

It's hard for both parties, which is why I'm not taking sides. It's upsetting for the person on the receiving end of it, but it's difficult for the autistic/ADHD person to just be normal. You said your partner forgets his last outburst. Do you think he's really forgotten, or might it be that he just wants to avoid taking responsibility for his actions? Or maybe it could be a form of guilt and doesn't want to talk about it.
He seems to be finding communicating these feelings quite difficult. I find communicating feelings easy, so if I yell out of frustration I always apologise to my partner afterwards when I've calmed down. But I very rarely yell at him, and all couples do yell at each other sometimes or occasionally.

 

[Rocco]

I am neutral and curious in the following statement… to those advocating a break up, how many of you have been in a long term relationship or marriage more than 8 years? It is easy to say “cut and run” or end things. It is not easy to work through relationship issues. Relationships are not easy and simple, they take a lot of work. I hope Kylie’s partner will hear her out and put in some real effort to improve the relationship. If he is unwilling to do the work, then looking at parting ways is reasonable.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am neutral and curious in the following statement… to those advocating a break up, how many of you have been in a long term relationship or marriage more than 8 years? It is easy to say “cut and run” or end things. It is not easy to work through relationship issues. Relationships are not easy and simple, they take a lot of work. I hope Kylie’s partner will hear her out and put in some real effort to improve the relationship. If he is unwilling to do the work, then looking at parting ways is reasonable.

Agree.

Relationships are about reciprocity. I "serve" you. You "serve" me. However, for this to work, there must be a balance. Every relationship goes through phases. We all change over time. Neither I, nor my wife, are the same people we married when we were 19 years old. Physical changes, mental health changes, hormonal changes, life stressors, on and on. A lot can happen over the many years. As a couple, we just have to have the ability to flex and change with our partners while still being committed to each other. You can absolutely dislike some of each others intermittent behaviors and still love each other deeply. When your partner is "going through some crisis" whatever that is, an effort should be made to identify the issue, address it, and have some supportive empathy. "Let's get through this."

Can there be "unforgivable" behavior? Absolutely. We can all make a long list. In which case, there are "deal breakers".

 

[Rodafina]

@Rocco

I think it's important for Kylie to assess what her boundaries are and what she is willing to tolerate. I think it would be helpful for her to focus on what she can do for herself. My perspective is that we cannot change one another and we are only in control of our own response to certain situations.

While I am not suggesting that Kylie should "cut and run," she may be in a position where she would benefit from having stronger boundaries and lower tolerance for anger that is directed at her. There are some significant concerns in what she has described. Namely, she described her partner's behavior as "aggressive," and "derogatory." She described her partner as angry and feels that he takes it out on her. She states that he became "furious" at being asked to not shout at her. These are possible signs that the relationship is at the least hostile and at worst, abusive. To me, it sounds like the OP is describing patterns of behavior, not singular instances.

Sometimes, people in such situations become acclimated to very harmful behavior and it can be helpful to them to hear that their boundaries, their safety, and their contentment matter and that they need to consider what they can do to maintain their own wellbeing instead of trying to change another person.

 

[kyliewyote]

Politics is the worst thing to argue over. Does he have a special interest in politics? Because sometimes autistic people can go off on a monologue about their special interests and don't want to be wrong about it. Sometimes it's best just to agree to disagree when it comes to politics because it can cause people to flare up in a rage if their viewpoint is silenced. I know that feeling. I have viewpoints that I share with practically everyone I know offline but a lot of people online have opposite viewpoints which has resulted in me unexpectedly being called names like "bigot" by angry people from the opposite side of the political spectrum, just for stating an opinion in a non-aggressive way.

I've never been in political arguments offline though, so I'm not sure what advice I can give about that.

Politics seem to be his pressure cooker release, and the most prevalent rant. He's extremely partisan, and I try to see the pros and cons...but anything I say not in agreement with him, or if I try to provide other points or opinions, I'm aggressively shot down
I see political discussions like religious discussions......talk about it, bring up opinions, but do not make converting the other person the goal.
I've stated such to him, but certainly doesn't stick in his rants....
I try to avoid politics with him, but he inevitably goes there (and I'm not the only one, but take the brunt of it)

 

[kyliewyote]

Politics is the worst thing to argue over. Does he have a special interest in politics? Because sometimes autistic people can go off on a monologue about their special interests and don't want to be wrong about it. Sometimes it's best just to agree to disagree when it comes to politics because it can cause people to flare up in a rage if their viewpoint is silenced. I know that feeling. I have viewpoints that I share with practically everyone I know offline but a lot of people online have opposite viewpoints which has resulted in me unexpectedly being called names like "bigot" by angry people from the opposite side of the political spectrum, just for stating an opinion in a non-aggressive way.

I've never been in political arguments offline though, so I'm not sure what advice I can give about that.

Ps....sorry for your online experience, especially calling you a bigot. I understand the bluntness aspires can have, and that it can come across the wrong way.
That's an another issue not for this string that I deal with from him, but he just doesn't care what he says, different from you. You're the better way to be, in my opinion...

 

[Hypnalis]

She states that he became "furious" at being asked to not shout at her

Almost everyone who's "brain-locked" like that reacts badly to direct orders (and the threshold for interpreting a request to stop doing something as an order is very low).

The best options are de-escalation (not always successful OFC, but it's routinely used by professionals for a reason), and being somewhere else.

@kyliewyote

An (indirect) comment, in the form of an idea I use IRL these days:
These are difficult times for political discussions. When politics get highly polarized, and moderate positions are expunged from public discourse, looking for "middle ground" is an attack.

I don't see how this can be avoided at the moment.

 

[Rodafina]

Almost everyone who's "brain-locked" like that will react badly to direct orders.

The real options are de-escalation (not always successful OFC, but it's routinely used by professionals for a reason), and being somewhere else.

De-escalation should be used to lower the intensity of an interaction for long enough to be able to form a plan for that situation to not occur again. It cannot be a chronic tactic that allows habitually harmful behavior to continue.

 

[Hypnalis]

It cannot be a chronic tactic that allows habitually harmful behavior to continue.

These are distinct objectives.

It's pointless to try to achieve long-term changes in the middle of an "episode". The best result is that both sides cool down.

The longer-term issue requires a way to stop the discussions heating up. Reddit would recommend therapy (for both individuals and as a couple). (And some people on Reddit would recommend terminating the relationship, while others would suggest it's all OP's fault /lol).

I'm not a big fan of Reddit or of most kinds of therapy, but clearly whatever agreements and behavioral changes are achieved, they will be arranged during "quiet times".

 

[Rodafina]

It's pointless to try to achieve long-term changes in the middle of an "episode". The best result is that both sides cool down.

The longer-term issue requires a way to stop the discussions heating up.

I'm in total agreement with you on this.

 

[kyliewyote]

Consider whether it is being "a giver and patient" or being "a doormat."

And please understand I really don't mean any disrespect.

One can be a giver and be patient and still have self-respect. It's not easy to be both, but one can show tolerance while also having healthy boundaries. People make mistakes - they are humans. However - One time is a mistake; two times is a choice; and three times is a habit. Your time on this earth is short. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

Well-said....thank you.
This is pretty much the last try

Just remember that he is the one that will have to break the pattern of lashing out.

The pattern that you can break is tolerating/accepting behavior that is harmful to you.

Thank you....

I have an uncle who could be on the spectrum (I'm not biologically related to him), but he could be ADHD, or both. He's in his 70s now but has always been the same. While he has a good heart, he can get nasty when frustrated and he hates being wrong too. He takes everything out on my aunt, sometimes makes her cry. He blames her for any minor mistakes he makes. He's an aggressive driver too and shouts and swears - oh and blames my aunt for everything the other cars do. When she defends herself he just cuts her off by yelling "sshh!!!! I need to concentrate!"
Very hard work.
Yet he genuinely worries about her and her family and does show love and security. But he just can't control his tempers. He's not violent but he's just very impulsive and can't take accountability for anything he does.

It's hard for both parties, which is why I'm not taking sides. It's upsetting for the person on the receiving end of it, but it's difficult for the autistic/ADHD person to just be normal. You said your partner forgets his last outburst. Do you think he's really forgotten, or might it be that he just wants to avoid taking responsibility for his actions? Or maybe it could be a form of guilt and doesn't want to talk about it.
He seems to be finding communicating these feelings quite difficult. I find communicating feelings easy, so if I yell out of frustration I always apologise to my partner afterwards when I've calmed down. But I very rarely yell at him, and all couples do yell at each other sometimes or occasionally.

First of all, I am in no way looking for anyone to 'take sides'. Thank you for putting that in your response.
Lots(!) Of similarities in what you described....he hates to be wrong, doesn't like opinion different from his, lots of road rage, controlling (I hate to drive with him in the car), temper outbursts, etc
But also genuinely a good person, does truly care; very trustful on major life things (but not some minor things that come out of his mouth...I think part of 'social mask'). So, did he lie about not remembering the "ear to the f ** ing pillow? I think so... I maintain a high level of honesty, but he accuses me of lies here and there. When I talk fact, he refuses to listen.
We communicate well in general; but he doesn't do well with anything personal on his side (shut down or anger). And zero apologies...

 

[kyliewyote]

Thanks...I try to middle-ground, and even to just agree with him one time (and he got angry at that). When he gets loud, I just say "can you speak a little lower, but that's not working (across 3 times) and maybe it's become an additional trigger to him for more anger, so I'll change that

De-escalation should be used to lower the intensity of an interaction for long enough to be able to form a plan for that situation to not occur again. It cannot be a chronic tactic that allows habitually harmful behavior to continue.

 

[Masked Man]

But also genuinely a good person, does truly care...

With all due respect... what you've described does not sound like things that a "genuinely good person" would ever do to the person they supposedly love.

I prefer actions over words. I watch the things that people do. I don't pay a whole lot of attention to what they say.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I spent a lot of time in Alanon and one piece of advice they have which is quite worth while is that you can't have a constructive conversation with an alcoholic when he is or she is drunk.

I believe this is good advice for the situation you describe as well. You cannot reason with someone who is in an all out angry, out of control mode. The rational brain circuits are overridden by the strong anger/aggression.

Can you find a time when he is not angry to have a calm conversation about what is going on and what can be done to stop it? If so, great. Try that.

Me, personally, I would leave the presence of anyone treating me like that. I have no idea if that is a good action to take or not, but it would be important for me to remove myself from the source of the anger, agression, etc. I have gone, in various times over my life, to friend's house, to the library to a coffee shop and stayed away long enough for the other person to calm down. Obviously this has a time limit. But it does make it clear to the other person that you will not tolerate being treated that way.

If, in trying to remove yourself, he gets more aggressive or even violent, you knew you've got to get out fast. That would definitely be your cue to leave the relationship asap.

 

[kyliewyote]

I am neutral and curious in the following statement… to those advocating a break up, how many of you have been in a long term relationship or marriage more than 8 years? It is easy to say “cut and run” or end things. It is not easy to work through relationship issues. Relationships are not easy and simple, they take a lot of work. I hope Kylie’s partner will hear her out and put in some real effort to improve the relationship. If he is unwilling to do the work, then looking at parting ways is reasonable.

Agreed......each relationship is unique.
I'm just trying to figure what I can do for now.
There are path choices for future, but I'm working as best I can on present now

Agree.

Relationships are about reciprocity. I "serve" you. You "serve" me. However, for this to work, there must be a balance. Every relationship goes through phases. We all change over time. Neither I, nor my wife, are the same people we married when we were 19 years old. Physical changes, mental health changes, hormonal changes, life stressors, on and on. A lot can happen over the many years. As a couple, we just have to have the ability to flex and change with our partners while still being committed to each other. You can absolutely dislike some of each others intermittent behaviors and still love each other deeply. When your partner is "going through some crisis" whatever that is, an effort should be made to identify the issue, address it, and have some supportive empathy. "Let's get through this."

Can there be "unforgivable" behavior? Absolutely. We can all make a long list. In which case, there are "deal breakers".

Agreed....trying to work through right now.....

 

[kyliewyote]

@Rocco

I think it's important for Kylie to assess what her boundaries are and what she is willing to tolerate. I think it would be helpful for her to focus on what she can do for herself. My perspective is that we cannot change one another and we are only in control of our own response to certain situations.

While I am not suggesting that Kylie should "cut and run," she may be in a position where she would benefit from having stronger boundaries and lower tolerance for anger that is directed at her. There are some significant concerns in what she has described. Namely, she described her partner's behavior as "aggressive," and "derogatory." She described her partner as angry and feels that he takes it out on her. She states that he became "furious" at being asked to not shout at her. These are possible signs that the relationship is at the least hostile and at worst, abusive. To me, it sounds like the OP is describing patterns of behavior, not singular instances.

Sometimes, people in such situations become acclimated to very harmful behavior and it can be helpful to them to hear that their boundaries, their safety, and their contentment matter and that they need to consider what they can do to maintain their own wellbeing instead of trying to change another person.

Things are good until there is an outburst, which has been the last year or so with some of his life frustrations, and yes, those times are hostile. Just trying to figure how to break the pattern of anger rant --> me trying to dispell/quieten --> worse direct anger/blame on me. It's like a fire starts, you try to calmly put it out, and it explodes.
I certainly have a past history of the same with my abusive and narcissistic ex-husband, and yes, there are similarities here, but I'm trying to figure out how to address them more effectively, because in general I'm in a better relationship now. (And keeping all of the inputs for "stop self sacrifice " in mind

 

[kyliewyote]

With all due respect... what you've described does not sound like things that a "genuinely good person" would ever do to the person they supposedly love.

I prefer actions over words. I watch the things that people do. I don't pay a whole lot of attention to what they say.

Got it....conundrum is most of his actions are good. But small bursts can override those...

 

[kyliewyote]

I spent a lot of time in Alanon and one piece of advice they have which is quite worth while is that you can't have a constructive conversation with an alcoholic when he is or she is drunk.

I believe this is good advice for the situation you describe as well. You cannot reason with someone who is in an all out angry, out of control mode. The rational brain circuits are overridden by the strong anger/aggression.

Can you find a time when he is not angry to have a calm conversation about what is going on and what can be done to stop it? If so, great. Try that.

Me, personally, I would leave the presence of anyone treating me like that. I have no idea if that is a good action to take or not, but it would be important for me to remove myself from the source of the anger, agression, etc. I have gone, in various times over my life, to friend's house, to the library to a coffee shop and stayed away long enough for the other person to calm down. Obviously this has a time limit. But it does make it clear to the other person that you will not tolerate being treated that way.

If, in trying to remove yourself, he gets more aggressive or even violent, you knew you've got to get out fast. That would definitely be your cue to leave the relationship asap.

Agreed on a quiet time conversation. And time apart is not negative in this case.

 

[kyliewyote]

I'm in total agreement with you on this.

Thanks...will work towards that.
It's just generally an angry (long) monolog on a topic, then me trying to de-escalate, and that being fuel in the fire.
I need to find the magic pill for the middle...

 

[kyliewyote]

Almost everyone who's "brain-locked" like that reacts badly to direct orders (and the threshold for interpreting a request to stop doing something as an order is very low).

The best options are de-escalation (not always successful OFC, but it's routinely used by professionals for a reason), and being somewhere else.

@kyliewyote

An (indirect) comment, in the form of an idea I use IRL these days:
These are difficult times for political discussions. When politics get highly polarized, and moderate positions are expunged from public discourse, looking for "middle ground" is an attack.

I don't see how this can be avoided at the moment.

US politics is going through a delayed, highly visible, and provisional correction, and (naturally) the delay makes it an over-correction. So it's "Irish Stand-down" rather than a negotiation, and this will remain true for a good while (certainly all of 2025, but possibly much longer).

Just re-read this.....im already doing Irish stand down, but will highlight more in my brain