NT with aspie bf witth anger rants

[WhitewaterWoman]

Thanks...will work towards that.
It's just generally an angry (long) monolog on a topic, then me trying to de-escalate, and that being fuel in the fire.
I need to find the magic pill for the middle...

No, you can't de-escalate him.

I've seen de-escalation done successfully only one time is 20+ years of working with people with developmental disabilities including autism. The person who was able to de-escalate the spiraling out of control aspie was a highly skilled autism behavior technician.

 

[Rodafina]

It's just generally an angry (long) monolog on a topic, then me trying to de-escalate, and that being fuel in the fire.
I need to find the magic pill for the middle...

Just to be clear, I do not think it is your job to de-escalate conversations with your partner on a regular basis. De-escalation is to be used in a crisis as a way to get everyone to either physical or emotional safety so that they can address the problem in a different, calmer time like others have mentioned.

If you are constantly de-escalating in your relationship, this is a serious problem in my opinion.

 

[Hypnalis]

Just re-read this.....im already doing Irish stand down, but will highlight more in my brain

I'm wondering if you're both doing it, though I can't be sure based only on what you've written here.

That's what the "political polarization" post was about.


A way to think about it:
Horseshoe theory - Wikipedia

Extend that to the center position being treated by both sides as though it didn't exist, so any centerist position gets mentally transposed up into the appropriate "standard" L or R by their respective "other side".

In such a case, two common approaches that are normally considered moderate are negatively received by everyone else, who apply the "For us or against us" principle, so the arguments seem completely unacceptable and/or dishonest:

1. Trying to find the accurate parts of both sides' public positions and set up a potential compromise.
2. "Split the difference" / "meet in the middle" (this differs from (1), but in a way that's probably not relevant to this thread).

Other methods are available of course, but when the mainstream positions are highly polarized, it's quite a bit harder for a genuine moderate who's just a bit into the "other side" to have a discussion with someone on the side of the horseshoe (i.e. "normal" L" or "normal" R).
And very difficult to have one with the "far" prefix (often even with their own side - "for us or against us" leads reliably towards a purity spiral).


BTW: de-escalation is routinely used to good effect by police in many countries.
That doesn't mean that it will work for you, nor that you should use it continually instead of addressing the root cause(s) of your issue(s).

But it's always a better starting point than direct confrontation in any single "verbal-only" exchange.

 

[kyliewyote]

No, you can't de-escalate him.

I've seen de-escalation done successfully only one time is 20+ years of working with people with developmental disabilities including autism. The person who was able to de-escalate the spiraling out of control aspie was a highly skilled autism behavior technician.

Acknowledged....so what do I do in the middle of one of them? (And please also take into account that I have also responded to some of his statements/questions). In the recent one on Ukraine, said I'm "drinking the kool-aid and don't know fact". I responded with a couple facts, and he then tumbled into repetition of what he'd already said, but with more vigor.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I also just agreed with him, and that made him angry too...

Just to be clear, I do not think it is your job to de-escalate conversations with your partner on a regular basis. De-escalation is to be used in a crisis as a way to get everyone to either physical or emotional safety so that they can address the problem in a different, calmer time like others have mentioned.

If you are constantly de-escalating in your relationship, this is a serious problem in my opinion.

Thank you.
First, there is no danger.
But a great night of cooking together, good meal, enjoyment, then random bomb....
I guess I can stop asking for quieter discussion (which sets him off), but silence and/or agreement also doesn't work, and from last night, opinions other than his also ignites.
Underlying issue is his stress in other parts of life, which I can offer support and understanding, but I can't fix

 

[kyliewyote]

Just remember that he is the one that will have to break the pattern of lashing out.

The pattern that you can break is tolerating/accepting behavior that is harmful to you.

Thank you.....but hard to just sit idle.
Trying to find the best way to communicate to him for awareness....

 

[Stuttermabolur]

As others have mentioned, his anger outbursts are his responsibility, while you are dealing with the consequences.

You cannot make him de-escalate if he doesn't want to.

You cannot find a middle ground if he is stuck at the extreme.

You cannot solve a problem that he ultimately doesn't want solved, or doesn't care enough to solve himself (as he is the one causing it).

I understand very well that you want to solve this peacefully. As you yourself said, you want to find the magic pill. The problem is in the name. It's a magic pill, so it doesn't exist. The only person who can solve this and make this easier for you is your husband. He bears sole responsibility. Empathize with him if you want, but don't make it cloud your judgment. I won't tell you what to do about your relationship as that's up to you, but I think the shadow of your previous, more abusive relationship might be shaping your response more than you would care to admit. The best you can do is protect yourself.

If you explain how he makes you feel, and he doesn't listen/won't change, that doesn't mean you have to find an even more compelling argument, it means that he either isn't interested or capable of changing, neither of which is good for you.

Some of your reasoning reminds me of my mother who has been in an abusive relationship (and several other bad ones). She is incapable of not empathizing with men who have a tough time, even if they themselves are the cause, and even if they treat her badly. Please don't make your own needs subservient of those of your husband, think about what you want from a life partner rather than comparing him only to your more abusive ex, and never forget that it is impossible to change another person's mind. Ultimately, they are the only ones with that power.

 

[saturnv]

What are you getting out of engaging him at all when he is yelling at you? I think if this happened to me I would approach him when he is calm and tell him that you will not endure or participate in this any more.

When he yells at you, do not respond at all and leave the room if necessary. He must be getting something out of this, and if you withdraw your participation, maybe he will stop.

This approach will require consistency and may not pay off immediately. In fact, the behavior may temporarily get worse (extinction burst). Over time, the unwanted behavior can be trained away by withdrawing the reinforcement.

 

[Hypnalis]

I'm still not convinced the underlying cause of this is one-sided.

Look at it this way (just a scenario - don't shoot the messenger, address the content)
Perhaps:
1. The content and intensity are due to this being a topic that we should be counting as an ASD "Special Interest"
2. The monolog affect is a natural result of (1)
3. The loudness is a result of a common ASD characteristic (

If that's the case, many of the posts here are assigning blame to one of our own, for acting in ways that are consistent with some well-known (by us at least) differences between ND-normal and NT-normal behavior.

It makes sense that OP comes to us looking for insight and advice into ND-normal behavior. We don't have any easy fixes, but if it's primarily an ND idiosyncrasy, we might be able to help both of them.

But what happens if we "diagnose" what's happening in NT terms? I won't speculate on the possible outcomes, but they will not be the ideal "reasonable balance of the interests of both parties".

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Hi all...I'm revisiting this site for hopefully some advice.
I'm NT in a 10-yr relation. There have been ups and downs, but I'm patient.
In the past couple of years, he has had some frustrating situations (work, etc). This, I feel, has rolled onto me as "the dog to kick".
Things are generally good until he goes into aggressive loud rants about politics or other (not starting with our personal goings on).
He becomes very loud, he monologues, and becomes very angry if I don't agree with his viewpoint.
One night we were in bed talking, and he went into one, 6 inches from my ear for 20 minutes. I finally asked him to lower his volume since I was right there, and he told me to "put my ear in the pillow." I let it go, but 3 days later, I brought it up, and he said he had no memory of it.
Last night on the couch, another loud rant, and he was angry I had a different opinion and was very loud and derogatory. I asked him to please not be so loud, and he became furious and left.
I understand he is stressed, but he gets angry at me when I ask him to discuss topics vs loudly ramrod them down my throat. Then gets extremely angry when I ask him to tone things down
Any insight for what to do when he enters this 'altered' state?

i assume your BF was the one who asked you out and courted you